The Inside Scoop on Pre-Cana

If you're anything like me, this might sound familiar: You were raised Catholic, you don’t go to church regularly now as an adult, but you've always envisioned getting married in the church and feel it’s an important family tradition. However, you’ve heard that in order to do this, you have to attend the mysterious “Pre-Cana” classes. You may be wondering, what exactly is Pre-Cana? Don’t worry, it’s not like CCD all over again, and you won't be hearing lectures about going to church every week and going to confession. It’s more like pre-marital counseling, to help prepare you for marriage. 

Your Options: Private Classes or Weekend Retreat?

There are a few different options for Pre-Cana courses, depending on your diocese. Ours (the Diocese of Metuchen in New Jersey) offered two: Meet with our priests six times before the wedding, or attend a weekend retreat called “Engaged Encounter Weekend” with several other couples. Since my fiancé and I currently live 200 miles away from the church where we'll marry, it made more sense for us to do the weekend retreat rather than having to make six separate trips back to the Garden State.

Our priest actually recommended the Engaged Encounter Weekend, saying he's heard that couples get more out of the experience. Keep in mind, though, that there is a fairly hefty fee for attending this retreat — about $350 per couple when we attended, and the price goes up each year. The six Pre-Cana classes also cost money, but they are not quite as pricey as the weekend. Your priest will give you all the information when you first meet with him.

When to Attend

At my church, there was no set time frame for when to schedule Pre-Cana — just some time before the wedding! We did ours about a year in advance (but we had already been engaged for almost a year at that point). The Engaged Encounter weekends are held on just a few dates throughout the year, so you are a bit limited. There were couples at our retreat who were also doing it about a year in advance, while others were getting married just two or three months later. Choose what works best for you.

What to Expect

Be prepared for dorm-style living for the weekend. At our retreat house, there were hall bathrooms (but a sink and mirror in each room), and all rooms were singles — yes, you will be sleeping separately from your fiancé. But, on the bright side, I didn't have to share with a random roommate.

For me, the worst part of the weekend was the lack of sleep. They kept us up “working” until 11:00 that first Friday night — and after a day at work followed by a grueling five-hour drive to New Jersey, that made for a long and exhausting day. And if you're thinking you'll get to sleep in the following morning, you're going to be disappointed; there was a “wake-up call” (a knock on the door) at 6:45 a.m. on both Saturday and Sunday. 

What to pack: Clothing is casual and comfortable. I packed a nicer outfit for mass on Sunday, but people also came in jeans. Because it's dorm-style, you may want to bring shower shoes, a bathrobe, towel, and a shower caddy. They will provide clean sheets for your bed, but on the last day, you will be responsible for stripping the bed and putting new clean sheets on it — no maid service! We also were asked to bring either a snack or water/soda for a group "snack table" donation.

What not to pack: Don't bring drugs or alcohol. Cigarette smoking was permitted outdoors only. Your diocese should send you an email about two weeks before the retreat with instructions for what to pack and what not to bring.

House rules: Aside from not sleeping together and no alcohol/drugs, the only other real "rule" was that you are not allowed to leave the premises during the weekend. Don't worry, you're not kept indoors all weekend with cabin fever — many of the activities and writings throughout the weekend will get you outside (weather permitting). You just can't leave the property. On Saturday night, we finished around 9:00 p.m., and my fiancé wanted to walk down the street to a bar and watch a game, but that was not permitted. Instead, a bunch of us gathered in the one room that had a TV and watched. I heard that a few guys actually did sneak out later, but I wouldn't risk it — you don't want to get kicked out and have to repeat the whole thing!

One other interesting procedure was that at every meal, someone had to volunteer to say "Grace." As a reward, the volunteer's table was the first to go up and get food from the buffet.

How it Works

The major difference between the Engaged Encounter Weekend and Pre-Cana classes is that at EEW, there isn’t a priest present (aside from conducting a mass on both Saturday and Sunday, which you must attend). Instead, other Catholic married couples talk to you about their marital experiences. Some may be older, and some may have only been married for a year or two.

So what actually happens during the Engaged Encounter Weekend? It starts at about 8 p.m. on Friday evening and lasts until about 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. When everyone arrives at the retreat house on Friday, you do a little "meet & greet" with the other couples. Aside from that, the only other time you really talk to the other couples is during meals. The weekend is all about you and your fiancé communicating with each other. 

Upon arrival on Friday evening, each person is given a spiral notebook. You will do a lot of writing in this notebook. The way it works all weekend is that one of the married couples will give a “talk” about something in their lives that relates to the topic being discussed, and they will pose several questions to you. When it's time to write your answers, you and your fiancé will be separated so that you each compose your own responses. After 10-15 minutes, you and your fiancé swap notebooks to read what the other wrote.

Then, you'll talk about your responses and see where you agree or disagree. I found this method to be really helpful because I’m more of an introverted person; I can express myself better in writing, so I felt that I was able to tell my fiancé some thoughts that I hadn’t shared with him before. I did hear some feedback from other couples, though, who really did not like the writing and felt it was tedious and unnecessary. Some said they doodled for 15 minutes, and then just talked to their fiancés when they met up. Depending on your personality, do what works best for you. They aren’t collecting and grading your notebooks on Sunday!

Next: What we discussed (and learned!) and what's on the final test ►

What We Discussed — and Learned

There are many different subjects covered throughout the weekend, including (but not limited to) finances, having children, arguing, communication, sacrificing (or “life giving”), and, yes, sexual intimacy. I was pleasantly surprised that they were very open and accepting of the fact that many of us probably were living together and/or already “intimate” with each other. They didn’t make us feel that “Catholic guilt” for not following the church’s beliefs. Rather, they gave us the opportunity to discuss some issues related to living together.

With the various topics, they did tie in God and “church stuff” every now and then, but it was mainly focused on real life as a married couple. It really did help to get us thinking and talking to each other about some things we hadn’t discussed yet, like when we want to start having children, as well as some personal thoughts and feelings about ourselves that we hadn’t shared. It also helped to hear some of the experiences of the married couples. 

One particularly helpful activity we did was on Saturday night, towards the end of the retreat. They had all of us couples sit in a big circle, and we had the chance to bring up some topics or questions that hadn’t been discussed during the other talks, and we could answer each other. This was one of the few times we conversed with the other couples. The most helpful topics that came up: What to do about joining bank accounts, and whether or not to have a full mass for the ceremony. It was nice to hear what other engaged couples were planning to do.

The weekend ended with a final mass on Sunday. After the mass was over, they did provide the option of going to confession, but it wasn't required. In fact, I think only four people did it (and there were about 22 couples at our retreat). A Deacon — who, coincidently, is from my church — was among the married couples who spoke to us all weekend, and he offered to personally bless each bride-to-be's engagement ring on the way out. That was a nice touch — and also a welcome distraction from going to confession!

The Final Test

You may have heard about the FOCCUS test. This is completely separate from the Engaged Encounter Weekend or Pre-Cana. We had to schedule this with our priest and go to the church to take it. You'll sit separately from your fiancé and answer a bunch of statements with  “Agree,” “Disagree,” or “Uncertain.”

We found that many of the statements were things we had already discussed at our Engaged Encounter Weekend. There were about 150 statements, but it only took about 45 minutes or so to complete. You can view some sample questions here.

About a month after taking the test, your scores are delivered to your priest. The priest will then contact you to schedule another meeting to come in and discuss the results. Don't worry — I've been told that you can't "fail" the test! 

When we met with the priest to go over our FOCCUS results, he had a print-out with scores on how we performed in various categories. The scores were based partly on whether we answered similarly (i.e. both marked "agree"), and partly on what the preferred answer would be (i.e. answering "disagree" to the question asking would you 'keep the peace' at any cost). I'm happy to report that we did very well on the test. I think the Engaged Encounter Weekend definitely helped prepare us; and it doesn't hurt that we've been together for almost four years and have already discussed many of the situations that were on the test. At the meeting, our priest simply discussed the few areas where we scored a bit lower and gave us some suggestions. He did not make us discuss anything right then and there with him, though, which was a pleasant surprise — he just recommended that we discuss it together on our own. 

The Last Steps

After we went over the FOCCUS, we completed some additional wedding paperwork. Part of it required my fiancé and me to individually answer some questions with the priest, so while I answered, my fiancé had to leave the room, and then we switched. The priest asked "yes" and "no" questions regarding your intent to marry and whether you understand what you're getting yourself into. Then, we discussed the actual ceremony a bit more, including what we needed to select for the mass (i.e. readings, prayer of the faithful, etc.)

Lastly, you'll each need to present two witnesses who can testify and sign a document stating that you have never previously been married. Apparently, this is a new policy in the Catholic church. Your witnesses need to be people who have known you for a long time (parents are your best bet). You do not need to be present for this, and your witnesses can pop by the church at any time before the wedding. It'll only take them about five minutes. You also need to request an updated baptismal certificate with notations from the church you were baptized in, and this needs to be done within six months of the wedding.

Overall, I felt that the Pre-Cana experience has been helpful, and my fiancé and I have truly gotten something out of it. After the weekend, I actualy felt closer to him and more prepared to marry him. I do, however, think that parts of it have been a bit redundant, and that the whole thing could be condensed and shortened. My advice is to choose what works best for you and your fiancé. Remember, you have options. Good luck, and happy wedding planning!