Planning a Wedding When Your Parents are Divorced

If your parents are divorced, you're bound to run into some tricky situations while planning your wedding. Who sits where during the ceremony and reception? Who pays for what? How do stepparents fit into the picture? 

Photo courtesy of Lionsgate

Here, get answers to your biggest questions:

"My parents have been divorced for over 20 years, and although both have remarried, they haven’t seen or spoken to each other in all that time. I’m worried about how they might behave toward one another at my wedding. What can I do?"

If your parents haven’t spoken in all these years, we can certainly understand why you’re a bit nervous. If you have a good relationship with your mom and dad, let them know how you’re feeling. It will help a great deal if they realize that you’re anxious about any animosity that may still linger between them. "Tell them that you want them to enjoy themselves at your wedding and ask them not to let any anger or ill will rule their emotions," says Bridal Guide's editor-in-chief, Diane Forden. "I promise, they won’t want to upset you and will no doubt make every effort to be on their best behavior." And try not to dwell on your parents’ situation. When your wedding day arrives, celebrate with your friends and family and focus on the fact that you’re marrying the greatest guy in the world.

“I don’t know who should walk me down the aisle — my father or my stepfather?”

If you're lucky enough to have two men you call "Dad," it can be nearly impossibly to choose who walks you down the aisle. Does the biological father get the honor by default, or does the stepfather who raised you deserve it more? One solution: Have both fathers walk you down the aisle, like one real bride did: “First, I took my father aside and told him, ‘You may not like it, but I want you and Ken [her stepfather] to split the walk,’” says Gina Yager, who tied the knot in 2001. “‘I’d like you to start it and Ken to give me away. Ken loves me, he’s given me so much, and I want to reciprocate.’ Next, I told my stepdad, ‘I want to give you both this opportunity since you both are a part of my life. I’m his biological daughter, and you developed me into who I am today.’ I also asked him to answer the officiant’s question, ‘Who gives you away?’ with ‘Her mother, father and I do,’ not just ‘Her mother and I do.’”

Despite some initial resistance — the two fathers quibbled over exactly how many steps each would take — Gina’s wedding day went off without a hitch. “Both of my dads came around, realizing it was my day and that this is what I wanted,” says the bride. “Everyone was so happy at the wedding, especially when I did two father-daughter dances. It was a truly spectacular day.”

"I can’t stand my stepmother. Am I obligated to have her in my wedding photos?"

You don’t have to round up everyone for that “one big, happy family” shot, but you do need to include your stepmother in your wedding photos. Leaving her out is bound to hurt her feelings — and your dad’s — and affect your relationship with them, advises Forden. Meet with your photographer ahead of time to discuss the types of photos you want and which members of your family should be included. An experienced photographer is sure to have dealt with divorced-family situations and can offer some expert advice on how to handle potential problems. For instance, plan to have photos taken of you and your fiancé with your parents and then have additional shots taken of the two of you with your father and stepmother. Your dad will have a keepsake, and both of them will appreciate your generosity.

"My parents are divorced and fight often. I don’t know how to make them behave on the big day. How do we handle the seating arrangements?" 

Hopefully, yours are the kind of parents who will put your needs ahead of theirs — at least for your wedding day. Even so, it may be worth reminding them that they have a responsibility to “be civil and gracious toward each other for the few hours of your ceremony and reception,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California.

At the ceremony, seat the parent you lived with and primarily raised you (plus his or her new spouse, if applicable) in the first row and the other parent in the third row. Grandparents and siblings occupy the second row. At the reception, put each at tables with their own relatives, equidistant from the head table. And be sure to acknowledge them both in any toasts you give at the reception, so they never think one is getting preference over the other, says Tessina.

"My parents are amicably divorced. Should they sit together? And are they expected to dance together after the father/daughter and mother/son dances?"

If they still have a good relationship, both may sit in the first row at the ceremony, along with their new spouses or significant others, if applicable, says Forden. For the reception, allow them to make the call on the seating, recommends Allison Moir-Smith, founder of Emotionally Engaged. “Ask each of your parents, ‘How can we make you most comfortable at the reception? Do you want to be across the room from each other or do you think you would be okay at the same table?’” It makes sense to raise this issue well before the big day so your parents have plenty of time to adjust to the plan and to voice any objections before it’s too late.

As far as having your parents dance together, it is not expected. When the parents are called to the dance floor, your parents can dance with their new spouses or dates, says Forden.

"My fiancé’s parents have been divorced for many years, and neither has remarried. Whom should we expect to host the rehearsal dinner — his mother or his father?"

The best scenario would involve his parents hosting it together and splitting the expenses, if their relationship is amicable. After all, they will most likely be sharing in the wedding festivities, and neither should have to accept a diminished role. The two of them can certainly be host and hostess without having to spend every minute at each other’s side, says Forden.

If this situation isn’t practical, perhaps your fiancé should speak to the parent who has the better financial situation about picking up the tab, and let the other parent know he or she will be an honored guest at the party. In fact, no one need know who’s footing the bill anyway. The two of you could even throw your own rehearsal dinner, or pay for the party and allow his parents to ’’host’’ if that’s the way you feel most comfortable.