Photo Credit: Sweet Little Photographs
The Basics
Traditional engagement etiquette recommends that the bride’s parents be the first to be informed of their daughter’s engagement. Tell them in person, if possible—after all, they’re going to want to hug you and make a fuss! If they live too far away, a phone call is the next-best option. Are your parents divorced? You can talk to Mom and Dad separately, but do try to tell the second parent soon after the first, to avoid hurt feelings.
Once you’ve talked to both sets of parents, they should plan on meeting each other in person, if they haven’t already. Traditionally, the mother of the groom invites the bride’s parents over for dinner or drinks. (If the bride’s parents are divorced, the groom’s mother should meet them separately, first visiting the parent with whom the bride lived or to whom she is closest. If the groom’s parents are divorced, each one should try to meet the bride’s parents separately.) If your families live several states apart, though, a congratulatory note or phone call is perfectly fine. And if your parents don’t hear from your fiancé’s family within a few weeks, they can initiate a meeting or phone call, or simply send a note.
If you have children from a previous marriage, you should break the engagement news to them even before you tell your parents. Do it without your fiancé present, so they can feel free to react honestly. Know that they will need time to get used to the idea that their family situationis going to change. Also, it’s important to tell your (or your groom’s) ex-spouse of your upcoming nuptials, if only so he (or she) can help the kids through the transition.
Next: Announcing Your Engagement ►
Announcing Your Engagement
Most couples call each other's parents "Mr." and "Mrs." or use their first names. But after the engagement, some parents ask their new daughter- or son-in-law-to-be to refer to them as "Mom" and "Dad." If you're still calling your spouse's parents "Mr." and "Mrs." after the wedding and they haven't said anything about it, it's okay to ask them what monikers they'd like you to use.
After informing your nearest and dearest, and your extended families and friends, you might want to run an announcement of your engagement in your local newspaper. Papers typically publish these two to three months before the wedding, but an announcement can run up to a year in advance of the big day. Each paper has its own policy and requirements, so call yours and ask these questions:
- Is there a standard form to fill out or must I write my own announcement?
- Does the paper publish photos?
- If so, what photo format (digital, print, and so on) and style (black-and-white or color) are preferred?
- Will my photo be returned to me?
- Is there a charge for running the announcement?
Usually, it's the bride's parents who issue an engagement announcement. Here are some examples of proper wording:
- The Traditional Way
"Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Hall of Alpharetta, , announce the engagement of their daughter, Alexis Jane Hall, to Bradley William Smythe, son of Mr. and Mrs. Zachary Smythe of Rye, New York . A June wedding has been planned." - If the Bride's Parents Are Divorced and Both Are Announcing
"Mrs. Amy Hall of Alpharetta, , and Mr. Matthew Hall of Athens, , announce the engagement of their daughter, Alexis Jane Hall, to Bradley William Smythe, son of Mr. and Mrs. Zachary Smythe of Rye, New York . A June wedding has been planned." - If the Bride's Parents Are Divorced and One of Them Is Announcing
"Mrs. Amy Hall of Alpharetta, , announces the engagement of her daughter, Alexis Jane Hall, to Bradley William Smythe, son of Mr. and Mrs. Zachary Smythe of Rye, New York . Miss Hall is also the daughter of Mr. Matthew Hall of Athens, ..." (Note: The parent who raised you should be the one to issue the announcement.) - If the Groom's Parents Are Divorced
"Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Hall of Alpharetta, Georgia, announce the engagement of their daughter, Alexis Jane Hall, to Bradley William Smythe, son of Mrs. Elizabeth Smythe [or Mrs. Elizabeth Rogers, if remarried] of Greenwich, Connecticut, and Mr. Zachary Smythe of Rye, New York..."
Next: Engagement Celebration ►
Engagement Celebration
In days past, engagement parties were formal to-dos with as many guests as the wedding itself. Today, they're optional, and may include just the immediate family, the bridal party and close friends. An engagement fete can take any form: a classic buffet dinner, a swanky cocktail party or a laid-back outdoor barbecue. If an engagement soirée is on your must-do list, here's some handy planning advice:
- Who hosts? Anyone can throw an engagement celebration—family members, friends, even you and your fiancé. It's also fine for each set of parents to fete you with separate engagement get-togethers if they live far apart and plan to invite different people to their shindigs.
- Who's invited? Generally, the guest list is limited to family members, the bridal party and close friends. Just remember: Everyone who is invited to the engagement party should also be invited to the wedding.
- What about gifts? Guests may bring engagement presents, but these aren't required. If you do receive some, wait until after the party to open them. That way, you won't make those who didn't bring a gift feel uncomfortable.
- Should we register? Proper etiquette is to prepare your wedding registry before the engagement party. Be sure it includes smaller-ticket items, like picture frames, toasting glasses and candlesticks, since engagement gifts tend to be more modest than shower and wedding presents.
Monetary Issues
Will your families be dividing the bills? Figuring out who pays for what—and asking how much they'll give—can be tricky, but a healthy dose of respect and a spirit of cooperation can go a long way in smoothing out the process. When it's time to talk money with your families, keep these tips in mind:
- Approach each family separately. That way, you're not putting either group on the spot in front of the other.
- Talk specifics. Come to the table with an estimate of how much you think the wedding will cost. Ask how much people feel comfortable giving and discuss whether there are any particular costs—like the band or rehearsal dinner—they would like to cover.
- Be discreet. The two of you should keep the details of who is contributing what to yourselves. This will discourage competitive feelings and keep those who aren't contributing as much from feeling bad.