Many brides have their entire wedding mapped out from the time they’re little girls, including me. The best part about planning a traditional Bengali (short for Bangladeshi) wedding is that there are between three and four events to plan. With each event, I get to wear a beautiful outfit or dress, different jewelry, and decorate each new venue as I like! It’s the ideal situation for any wedding-obsessed gal like myself!
Here’s how a traditional Bengali Muslim wedding goes down:
The Gayer Holud
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This day kicks off a four-day wedding extravaganza and it’s my favorite event! It’s a day solely dedicated to the bride and the groom doesn’t attend this event; only his family and friends do. It’s pretty informal, which makes it really fun—almost like a rehearsal dinner. It usually takes place a day or two before the wedding at the bride’s parents’ house—but my hundred plus relatives and friends will definitely not fit into my parent’s duplex! So, we’ll be renting a venue.
A Gayer Holud serves two purposes: It’s the day the bride gets all her goodies—her wedding trousseau which includes her bridal dress (sari), jewelry, shoes as well as other gifts such as makeup, perfume, dresses, basically anything a girl could possibly need—now you see why it’s my favorite? The groom’s family and friends officially hand-deliver the bride’s wedding trousseau as well as presents for the bride’s family. Traditionally, a Bengali bride’s wedding sari and jewelry are chosen by her mother-in-law, but I’m very lucky that Dulal’s family is open minded enough to let me pick my own wedding outfit!
The other important ritual performed on this day happens when the guests bless the bride by applying yellow paste called ‘holud,’ made of turmeric powder and milk, on her face, arms and basically any other body parts that are exposed. ‘Gayer Holud’ literally means ‘body dye’ which explains the name of this event. Bengalis believe that turmeric helps to lighten and refine the skin, giving the bride a wonderful glow on her wedding day. This is also the day mehndi or henna (a brownish-red dye made from henna leaves) is applied to the bride’s hands and feet in pretty designs.
Groom’s Gayer Holud
A Bengali groom also gets his moment to shine with his very own ‘Gayer Holud,’ which mirrors his bride’s. Holud is also applied to the groom’s body in the form of a blessing and he also receives gifts from the bride’s family. Gayer Holuds typically last long into the night with lots of celebration and dancing and turmeric throwing! A holud fight is inevitable so if you’re going to a gayer holud, be prepared to get some turmeric paste in your hair!
Biye or Nikaah
This is the wedding day, which is called ‘biye’ in Bengali and ‘Nikaah’ in Arabic and where it all happens. Traditionally, the bride and groom are seated in different areas and they take their wedding vows separately in front of an Iman (Muslim priest) and sign a marriage document. An Islamic marriage certificate documents the ‘Mahr’ amount, which is a gift in the form of cash, property or jewelry that the groom gives the bride at the time of the marriage. This was a tradition established early on during the formation of Islamic culture to protect women when most wives were supported financially by their husbands. The Mahr was created so that a woman can attain financial independence in case she is widowed or divorced.
After the bride and groom are officially married, the newlyweds are seated together for the first time as man and wife, and take part in a bunch of old-time traditions, including drinking from the same glass in order to “increase their love for one another,” an exchange of garlands made out of flowers to bring them closer to each other, and my personal favorite, when the groom’s shoes are stolen! It’s up to the bride’s siblings, cousins and friends to get together to steal the groom’s shoes while he is sitting down and in return for his shoes, the groom has to pay. Another favorite tradition is the customary “paying at the gate.” In this case, the groom and his wedding party are called the ‘baraath’ and they get to the wedding venue after the bride’s wedding party has already entered. All the young people from the bride’s side hold the ‘gate’ and refuse to let the baraath in until they pay whatever the bride’s wedding party demands.
Boubhath or Walima
The wedding is typically hosted by the bride’s family and the reception or ‘boubhath’ is thrown by the groom’s family a few days or weeks after the wedding, to welcome the new bride into the family. The boubhath is basically a relaxed version of the wedding day where the bride and groom can mingle with their guests, dance and have fun. The wedding day is typically more rigid as the newlyweds have many customs to follow, so the guests usually end up having more fun than the couple!
Dulal and I both have very large families who are intent on carrying out each and every tradition by the book. However, given our current economic conditions, and in the interest of respecting everyone’s time, we are going to add a modern element to our traditional wedding by combining our Gayer Holuds. Our wedding will take place in New York (where I’m from) and the reception (boubhath) in Atlanta between three and four weeks later.
One thing’s for sure—we’re going to need a lot of sleep after all these celebrations. But my sleepless nights might be starting a lot sooner than I had anticipated.
Stay tuned to find out what the hardest part about my entire wedding process has been and how I got through it.