To help you do this, we've found 25 easy ways to improve communication and intimacy, spice things up in the bedroom and, overall, make you feel blissful about your union. Each one takes five minutes or less, so what are you waiting for?
1. Create a shared vision. Pick an uplifting word or phrase that summarizes the essential nature of your relationship, like "soul mates" or "perfect partners." That description, once it's "in the air," will affect your thoughts and feelings about your relationship, and will create a self-fulfilling prophecy of a more positive union, says William Ickes, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Arlington.
2. Flatter each other shamelessly. "Regularly give your partner different kinds of compliments," suggests Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love (Peters Publishing). Get physical ("Your arms are looking buff!"), express appreciation ("Thanks for bringing home that pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food") or be emotional ("When I'm with you, I feel safe"). "Your connection will be stronger if you show you don't take your partner for granted," says Cadell.
3. Take a quiz. A romance, sex or relationship test from a book or a magazine—even an outrageous or silly one—will get the two of you talking. "It's easy to feel shy about certain subjects," says Schwartz, "and quizzes are good icebreakers."
4. Say "hello" and "good-bye"—and mean it. When you're in the middle of something—say, paying bills, sending e-mails or cooking dinner—and your partner comes home, it's easy to say a rote "hi, honey" without looking up from what you're doing. "Instead, give each other a hug or kiss, even if it's quick," suggests Judith Ann Graham, a wedding planner and the author of My Bride Guide (Barricade Books). "It takes all of 15 seconds, but it makes the other person feel like a priority in your life."
|
Keep the Wedding Bells Ringing! Here’s how three married couples stay connected in simple ways. “If my husband has to work late on the computer at home, he’ll tuck me into bed and tell me jokes. It’s a tiny bit of time together, but it shows me that he loves me.” “First thing Monday morning, we e-mail each other from work to say “thank you” for all the nice things we did over the weekend, like how he washed my car or how I rubbed his back while we watched a movie. It’s nice being reminded of how much you are appreciated.” “Doing mundane, day-to-day stuff together, like grocery shopping, keeps us connected. We have different lives at work, but when the work day ends, our life begins.” |
5. Create rituals. Eat breakfast together every morning, walk the dog side-by-side, or even shower à deux before work—whatever you decide, just do it regularly. "Having a routine that you call your own is not only comforting, it makes your relationship feel special and unique," says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., author of Don't Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want By Betting on Yourself (Golden Books).
6. Close the bathroom door "It's great to be comfortable enough to do anything in front of your spouse, but that doesn't mean you should," says Carle. Making some private moments too public can send a message that says, "I don't need to impress you anymore now that we're married."
7. Do spontaneous favors for each other. Bake his favorite cookies, draw her a peppermint-scented bubble bath or rent the flick you saw on your first date. "Doing small, unexpected things for each other shows that you care enough to make your mate's life a little easier," says Graham.
8. Draw "body maps." Let's face it: Talking about what turns you on, even to your fiancé or spouse, can be difficult. Eliminate the stress of it by making an outline of your body—front and back—that resembles a gingerbread cookie (don't worry, no one expects it to look like a da Vinci), suggests Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., coauthor of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On (New Harbinger Publications). Use green, yellow and red markers to designate how much you like to be touched in each area. Trade maps, then hit the "road."
9. Do "The Swirl." Trace langorous, soft circles and S-shaped waves along your mate's neck, arms and palms. "This electrifies the nerves under the skin much more than just running one's fingers up and down in a straight line," says Lou Paget, author of 365 Days of Sensational Sex (Gotham Books). "An irregular swirling pattern surprises your nerves, creating a heightened sensation."
10. Relive your dating days. "Research has shown that having couples re-create experiences they shared when they first fell in love can actually help the relationship as much as certain types of marital therapy will," says Ickes. Write down five things you each loved doing when you began dating—dining by candlelight, browsing bookstores, working out together—and start incorporating them into your life again.
11. Smooch for 12 seconds, twice a day. "Passionate kissing will keep the juices flowing forever," says Cadell. "Kissing is so intimate because you're face to face and looking into each other's eyes." It also stokes your romantic fires because it's reminiscent of the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't stop locking lips.
12. Think about sex—and only sex. "If you're worried about your mile-long to-do list or what your mother said on the phone today while you're getting intimate, your sex life may suffer," says Zoldbrod. So, before things heat up, take a few minutes to jot down all of your thoughts and concerns from the day. "This releases what's stressing you out and allows you to consciously give yourself permission to focus on more pleasurable activities," she says.
13. Reminisce. Spend a few minutes looking at old photos or reading cards and notes you wrote each other when you first started dating. Sure, it's a little sappy, but it will show you how far you've come and bring back the giddy vibes from those butterflies-in-the-stomach days.
14. Stock up on Post-its. These sticky pads are lifesavers at the office, but they can also keep things humming along at home. Leave each other little notes on the bathroom mirror, in his or her wallet or on the dashboard of the car. You'll smile—and feel a special little thrill—when you find them.
15. Take a whiff. "Scents stimulate the limbic system, the part of the brain that affects your mood," explains Alan Hirsch, M.D., neurologic director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, in Chicago, Illinois. One of the foundation's recent studies found that the most powerful odor for male sexual arousal is a combination of pumpkin pie and lavender. Husbands should stock up on licorice and cucumber, since women respond best to these scents, according to the study.
16. Get cutesy. Having pet names for each other can create feelings of closeness. There's nothing wrong with "sweet pea," "stud muffin" or "brown eyes," but you should choose monikers that have special meanings to the two of you. "Nicknames are very private and intimate because no one else addresses either one of you that way," explains Carle.
17. Buff up, ladies. "For women, toning the muscles of the pelvic floor increases circulation to that area, enhancing sexual pleasure," says Clifford L. Penner, Ph.D., a sex therapist and coauthor of Restoring the Pleasure: Complete Step-by-Step Programs to Help Couples Overcome the Most Common Sexual Barriers (Word Publishing). So, practice Kegel exercises: Simply contract the muscles of the pelvic floor, as if you're trying hard not to urinate, hold for a few seconds, then release and repeat. Do 5 to 10 reps per day, eventually working up to 15 to 20 reps. You can do them anywhere—no one will know you're toning up on the ATM line. And we won't tell.
18. Guys, get sweaty. Believe it or not, a study in the journal Biology of Reproduction found that the scent of male underarm perspiration can lift a woman's moods, reduce her tension and make her feel more relaxed. So, hit the track and watch her spirits soar.
19. Banish the TV from your bedroom. "Watching television in bed robs you of a lot of good hours spent focusing on each other," warns Schwartz. "If it's not there you'll be more likely to talk, cuddle and make love."
20. Read to each other instead of watching TV. Pick up the newspaper, a book of poems or a collection of jokes and take turns reading them aloud. "It's a fun activity that can be intimate and romantic," says Schwartz.
21. Touch base. No matter how swamped you are during the day, squeeze in a just-saying-hi call or e-mail. "Work can be stressful and crazy," says Carle, "and this makes you each other's anchor and bright spot during those times."
22. Share a soak. Doesn't a hot bath feel amazing after a hectic day? It will feel even better when you do it together. Take turns washing each other's hair and loofah-ing each other's backs. "This will make you feel loved and tended to," says Schwartz.
23. Count your blessings. During dinner or before you hit the hay, acknowledge at least one thing that the other person did for you that day that makes you feel grateful. This can be anything from "you did the dishes tonight" to "you helped me solve that sticky work problem." A study at the University of Miami found that when students regularly took stock of the good things around them their level of satisfaction with their lives increased.
24. Coordinate your calendars. Yes, it's crazy that you sometimes have to pencil in time with the person you love and live with, but if you have a busy life (and who doesn't?), you run the risk of hardly ever seeing each other. Stay connected by scheduling a standing date night, a mid-week lunch or even just an hour here and there to run errands together.
25. Be silent sometimes. It's wonderful when you are so comfortable with each other that you don't need distractions, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., a couple's therapist and author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple (New Harbinger Publications). Relish this—it's a sign of true closeness.