Photo Credit: A Perfect Impression
Saying "No" to Plus Ones
Allowing guests to bring a plus one will drastically increase your head count, as well adding a pretty penny to the cost of reception food and alcohol. This is where your invitation verbiage comes into play. “To avoid the conflict of an uninvited plus one, address both the outer and inner envelopes of the invitation with only the name of the individual invited,” says Matthew David Hopkins, Event Designer and Owner of Matthew David Celebrations in New York City. “If a guest is confused by this and asks the bride to include their date on the invite, kindly decline by saying, Wwe would love for all of our guests and their plus ones to celebrate with us, but unfortunately, that would put us at capacity at our venue in which we have set our hearts on.’”
“If it’s a single person who won't know anyone reassure them that you have sat them with the best of the best and you already intend to introduce them to someone at the wedding,” notes Roey Mizrahi, owner of Roey Mizrahi Events in New York City.
Saying "No" to Kids
A kid-free wedding policy can be tricky. For starters, it’s hard to convey the message via invite. “You'd think parents would want the night off, but such is not the case all the time,” says Mizrahi. “The subtle way to announce you are not inviting children is unfortunately typically ineffective. Place it on your wedding website and on the Invite or RSVP card or dedicate another card to that information.”
What about that cute niece and nephew of yours in the bridal party? “Just because you might allow [them] to be involved in the ceremony and present for part of the reception in no way means it’s a free for all,” she relays. “Whether your wording is blunt and concise or elaborate and delicate it should get the point across.”
If guests still don’t get it, politely bring up your venue and voice that it isn’t suited for kids. “We recommend saying that is not a kid-friendly venue or the timing of your evening is late so kids would not be comfortable with it being past bedtime, loud music, and there is not much to keep them occupied and entertained,” notes Susan Norcross, Wedding Director of Styled Bride in Philadelphia. If you’re adamant about the adults attending, give them information for babysitting at one of your suggested hotels or in the local area.
Saying "No" to House Guests
While out-of-town guests should know better, don’t be surprised when some may ask to crash at your house while wedding festivities are taking place. But no matter how gracious you are, having friends and family staying with you has the potential for disaster (and extra added stress). “You can always blame it on the lack of room,” says Norcross. “With wedding gifts, your dress, things for the wedding taking up [your] entire spare bedroom, there is just no comfortable places for your guests to stay.”
“If it helps soften the blow, you can offer some suggestions,” relays Mizrahi. “Tell them you found the greatest house on Airbnb or that there’s a great hotel they should consider. Remind them how comfortable they’ll be in their own space!”
Saying "No" to Unsolicited Wedding Advice
With wedding planning comes many different ideas and thoughts — including those from your nearest and dearest, which may not be in sync with your personal style and aesthetic. But how to shoot down your mother-in-law’s persistence on an idea you despise? “Remember, you are not bound to their input,” says Hopkins. “It is your special day, and while they may cause tensions to run high, their intentions are pure.” Nicely thank them for their input and let them know that you’ll take their ideas into consideration.
“If someone is persistent and insistent on their idea being executed, perhaps because they are fronting money toward the affair and the polite agreeable brush-off approach wasn’t effective, a talk is necessary,” says Mizrahi.
And better yet, let a professional handle it so you can remain neutral in the situation. “This is where a planner can help, as they can sometimes be a great buffer when you need to explain why something may not be the best idea,” relays Norcross.
Saying "No" to the Dress You Don't Want
Finding the perfect dress is a big ordeal to begin with. While having support while dress shopping is key, sometimes, too many cooks in the kitchen (like your entire bridal party) can be overwhelming. This includes the oversharing of opinions and preconceived notions of what they think looks good on you.
“You’re not the only one who has envisioned this day,” says Mizrahi. “It’s possible your family and friends have a different vision for what they think you should look like on your wedding day. Be sure to only invite the people whose opinions truly matter to you. You also have to be comfortable making a choice people won’t agree with. In the end, they only want the best for you and you have to be confident enough to tell them what that is.”
If you feel too opinions pouring in, “remind them that the reason you selected them to participate in such a momentous occasion is because they are the most important people in your life and that you hoped they would support and celebrate you during this exciting time, not tear you down,” says Hopkins. This will nicely suggest that you care about them, but reiterate that it’s also your big day.
Next: Saying "No" to Pushy Vendors, Unintended Guests, Social Media Coverage, and More ►
Saying "No" to Wedding Vendors
Sometimes, wedding vendors can be a bit aggressive when it comes to signing contracts and pursuing you to go with their venue or service. “Remember it is not personal, it’s business, and as a wedding professional, we know this is part of being one — you are not always the right fit for everyone,” says Norcross. “If you feel bullied or pressured at any point, walk away and move on. You should never feel unconformable with your vendors. They are there to be your team for the day and should make you feel like you can talk to them at any time openly.”
You should also speak up if you aren’t interested in working with a specific vendor. “While persistence might be unwelcome by you, it definitely takes time and effort out of a vendors day, so if you’re uninterested in working with them, say so,” notes Mizrahi. Otherwise, they may continue reaching out and following up. “It’s saving them time from continuing to be in contact with you,” she says, so it’s best to “give an explanation, not an excuse.”
Saying "No" to Your Wedding Planner
Not seeing eye to eye with your wedding planner? Don’t sweat it. But don’t let it linger either, as it will just cause stress and tension between the two of you. “Odds are if you feel you’re being misheard or misrepresented, your planner also feels the lack of connection and clarity,” says Mizrahi. “Honesty is the best policy with this situation. Whether you had false expectations or your planner is not honoring the agreement you made, there must be a conversation to discuss whether the relationship can be adjusted to benefit you both or should be terminated for the best interest of both.”
And remember, it’s all part of the package. “For us it is business and we are there to best serve you, so letting us know if we are not the same page is usually an easier fix if you are upfront about your needs, wants, and expectations from us,” says Norcross.
Saying "No" to Social Media
Social media has taken weddings by storm. However, there are brides who still choose to keep things private. While there’s no way to completely keep guests from taking photos during the event’s duration, there are a few things you can do to relay to guests that you’d prefer to post the first images on social media. But do so prior to your big day, otherwise, guests might not get the hint.
“Include wording on your wedding website, on the save the date, invitation, welcome bag itinerary and on signage at the wedding itself,” says Mizrahi. “Call it unplugged, off the grid, unpublicized, intimate, or personal. Remind your guests that your wedding is an important experience you want to share directly with your closest and dearest family and friends and not the rest of the world.” Nicely encourage them to document, but to also keep it to themselves until you’ve shared with your extended family first.
Saying "No" to Friends/Family Who Didn't Make the Cut
Your colleagues are stoked about your big day. What to do if you aren’t planning on inviting them but they insist on throwing you a work shower and the whole nine yards? “If you are unable to invite your coworkers to your wedding, do not send them an invitation,” says Hopkins “If they mention the wedding, kindly let them know that you truly wish you could invite them, but that you are holding a small intimate wedding with a few of your closest friends and family.”
You can also ease the awkwardness by saying that your parents are forking over the dough for your big day. “Feel free to blame your parents for commandeering your entire guest list, but only if you know they won’t be able to verify that excuse,” says Mizrahi. “Buy cake or donuts for the office when you’re breaking the news to them. Nothing is as bad when you have a face full of cake!”
Saying "No" to Religious Conflicts
Your parents want a traditional Catholic ceremony, but you and your fiancé want to enlist your best friend to ordain. What next? Mizrahi recommends starting this conversation early on in the game. “It will likely be a conversation that will require time for both parties to be heard, understood, and accept the others wishes and feelings,” she says. “There can’t be a unified script for this because all families are different. The ideal end result isn’t necessarily to agree, it’s to acknowledge and respect your perspective and ultimately support your wishes. Times have changed; weddings don’t resemble what they once did, but if you’re the first or only offspring to wed, then this is a concept your family hasn’t ever experienced before.”
Make sure to voice that you want your wedding to 100% be about you and your fiancé, but you still want them to feel like part of your big day. “Sit your family down for an open and honest discussion on your beliefs, how you intend to incorporate them into your wedding, and what it means to you and your fiancé,” notes Hopkins. “If they are insistent upon their religious traditions, kindly remind them that you respect their beliefs and wish them to respect yours.”