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When Robyn got engaged, her spirits were soaring. But then the 28-year-old store manager in Chicago remembered her parents' antics at her older brother's wedding, and her heart sank. At that ceremony, Robyn's mother refused at the last minute to escort her son down the aisle along with her ex-husband. "In frustration, my father grabbed his second wife from a pew and marched down with her," recalls Robyn. "The ceremony was delayed while my brother tried to get our mother, not to mention his bride, to stop crying."
Determined to keep her parents from ruining another wedding, Robyn and her husband eloped. Their ceremony was short and peaceful. "But," she admits, "I feel like I missed out on something really special."
It doesn't seem fair that the children of divorce often have two options—elope, or face an ugly situation, a dilemma that's increasingly common. "A lot of the young couples getting married today were born during the peak divorce period of the late '60s and early '70s, so there's a good chance that one or both sets of parents involved in many weddings are no longer together," explains Margorie Engel, author of Weddings: A Family Affair (Wilshire Publications, 1998).
While wedding experts say that getting to the altar can take a small miracle even when families are intact, they agree that having divorced parents tips the scales, especially since conventional wedding rules fail to offer applicable how-to solutions. "The emotional fallout of divorce has been well documented over the years," says Engel, "but the practical implications for family rituals has not."
Here Comes the Bride
Perhaps the most heart-wrenching decision a bride with divorced parents must make, according to Engel, is who will escort her down the aisle. When Laura, 30, an events coordinator in Newport Beach, California, was married two years ago, she found herself questioning her biological father's role at the wedding. "I kept thinking, He abandoned me and never kept in touch. Why should he get the honor of giving me away?"
Unfortunately, there's no easy answer. If you consider aisle-escorting an honor, says Engel, then you should bestow it on the person who has earned it. Ultimately, however, this decision is up to you—choose whoever makes you feel the most comfortable, be it two "fathers", your mother, the groom, or no one. The same spirit should apply to the traditional father-daughter first dance. Go with who seems most appropriate or simply skip this part—there are no "wedding police" lurking in the bushes.
Keep in mind, however, that "this is not the time to ‘get back' at a parent," warns Engel. "The purpose of a wedding is to create a new family, not destroy an old one." Engel suggests meeting privately with dad—and anyone else immediately involved—before you announce any decisions. "Open communication, right up front, is key," says Engel. "It will only make matters worse for you if family members have false expectations about your ceremony."
Laura eventually decided to ask both her biological father and mother to walk her down the aisle because she sensed that excluding her father wouldn't merely hurt his feelings, it would also cast a cloud on her special day—and hinder their chances of establishing a stronger relationship down the line.
"The decisions you make regarding your wedding set the tone for relationships afterward," explains Engel. "Consider your choices and motives carefully. You may still be hurt by your parents' divorce or furious at their actions, but if you can summon forgiveness, your wedding can be part of the family healing process."
Step-Parent Puzzle
Most post-divorce, single-parent households are temporary: According to the 1990 government census, 75% of divorced singles remarry, approximately half of them within three years. And more "parents" mean more potential problems. "Children of divorce may blame stepparents for the dissolution of mom and dad's marriage," explains New York City psychotherapist Rita Bigel-Casher, Ph.D., author of Bride's Guide to Emotional Survival (Prima Publishing, 1996). So may abandoned spouses.
For Cassie, 30, an advertising account executive in New York City who was married four years ago, getting permission to invite her father's wife was the thorniest part of the planning process. This was the woman Cassie's dad left her mom to marry. Cassie wanted to include her for her dad's sake, but not if it would make the event traumatic for her mother. "Mom believes this woman ruined her life," says Cassie. "She kept saying, ‘How can you do this to me?' I understood why she was upset and I felt like I was being so mean, but my feeling was, ‘How can you do this to me? It's my wedding!'"
In situations like this—when highly charged emotions are causing serious conflict—your best bet is to reach out to your parents in an understanding and reassuring way. Ask for their help in making things better. Cassie may not have said exactly the right words, but they worked: After several talks, her mom finally agreed that Wife #2 could come as long as she kept her distance.
The pain is intensified when one parent is remarried and the other still single. Often the single parent feels like a failure, and doesn't want to face his or her successor or ex. Their self-confidence tested, they may feel lonely at the wedding, which is why Engel encourages single parents to invite a guest: "Both parents should have emotional support at the wedding," she says.
Money Changes Everything
If it's not screaming parents, it could be dueling checkbooks. "Many weddings become an arena for some kind of power game," says Engel. But with divorced parents, the game tends to get uglier than usual. Ex-spouses may use money—or their refusal to cooperate—to exercise control over their ex or to win their child's affection.
When there's a disparity in income levels, the power game is played differently. Allison's wedding experience is a perfect—and painful—illustration. Now a full-time mom in Richmond, Virginia, 32-year-old Allison says that her mother refused to help plan her wedding in Houston five years ago. "Since my father was paying for everything, she said she didn't want to spend his money," explains Allison. Even if it meant leaving her daughter to do everything herself, from long-distance. "She was trying to get back at my father, or make some sort of statement," says Allison. "But all she ended up doing was making my life more difficult when I needed her most."
Happily Ever After
Of course, there do exist divorced couples who give their soon-to-be-married children nothing to worry about—happily sharing wedding joys and expenses. But, sadly, such couples are as common as a friendly divorce. That's why today's brides and grooms must create new wedding customs and compromises that work for them. "If following tradition is going to make you a nervous wreck," says Bigel-Casher, "you owe it to yourself, your fiancé, and your future together to find an alternative." Especially when doing so can mean saving a $30,000 day from divorce-related disaster!
Most importantly, adds Engel, "Don't let your parents' divorce overshadow your wedding. This special event can lose its celebratory spirit if you focus on the limitations. Instead, focus on the possibilities—and enjoy a dignified and beautiful wedding."
Most importantly, brief all your wedding professionals—planner, photographer, band leader or emcee—on who not to force together for a photograph or embarrass with a "special" dance. In fact, during the interviewing process, make sure your candidates have experience with this sort of situation, for smooth sailing on your special day.
Buy the Book: Order Weddings: A Family Affairby Margorie Engel (Wilshire Publications, 1998) from Amazon.com.