Like I said, it’s a fantasy. But I’m still pretty fortunate: In my real-life marriage, there’s no animosity; everyone’s polite and friendly. Then again, there are no in-law bridge parties either. I’ve had to change my expectations for the relationship between my parents and my in-laws but, to be honest, the reality works just fine.
"I think that all of us have that myth," says Leslie Parrott, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist who, with her husband Les Parrott, runs the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. "We believe that because our respective parents love us and want the best for us, that a relationship between them will naturally form." When it doesn’t, it can be quite a shock. "Letting go of that myth can be tough." My husband and I come from the same area—we’re both New Yorkers—and share the same religious background. Neither of our sets of parents is divorced. In these days of people marrying across regional, religious, racial and economic lines, not to mention juggling families filled with multiple step-parents, that should have made things a lot easier. But with in-law relationships, "easy" is a relative term.
"On the cycle of all the important events in the life of a family, a marriage is, in some ways, considered a crisis because it changes so many things that the family has to adjust to," says. Barbara Zax, Ph.D., co-author of Mending the Broken Bough (Berkley, 1998), a book about mother-daughter relationships. "With two families coming together, you’ve got two families dealing with a crisis."
Next: What to know before they meet >>
Photo Credit: Troels Graugaard/iStockphoto
The Big Meeting
Many brides and grooms assume that this crisis will come to a head the first time their parents meet. You worry, "Will they like each other? Will they even get along?" But the fact is their relationship with each other began well before this moment. Every time you've told your mother something about his family—where they live, what they do for a living, what a family celebration is like, how they disagree with one another—and every time he tells his parents about yours, you've been introducing them. With each anecdote you share, every small detail you relate, you are creating a mental image of your in-laws for your parents. "The bride and groom paint a picture of what these families are like long before they ever meet," says Dr. Zax. "So you have to get over the fact that these two families are looking at each other and thinking ‘They are not like us.'"
Take heart! You can actually smooth the way before your two sets of parents meet by making sure the picture you paint is a good one. Bone up on the facts about your in-laws. Did either of them go to the same college as your mom or dad? Is someone a real art lover, a Star Wars fan, a phenomenal cook? "Anything you can do to prep your parents will help," says Dr. Les Parrott. "It's important for the bride or groom to show respect for the in-laws so that their own parents see it as well."
Naturally, that job is harder if, for whatever reason, you don't have much respect or even liking for your future in-laws. And if they or your own parents are divorced and/or remarried, the puzzle gets tougher to complete. Still, the same basic rules apply: You still should try to offer the best possible scenario of your in-laws so that their eventual meeting isn't a disaster. Does your fiancé's mom drive you nuts? Vent to a girlfriend or a therapist—not your mom. "What you don't show or tell your parents about your future in-laws is just as important," points out Dr. Zax. "I've seen lots of harm done in the name of honesty."
If you've already told your mom that his mother always criticizes your clothes or your cooking, or if you've already confided to your parents that his stepfather is hopeless with money, you may have to do some backpedaling and start pointing out some positive stuff. Above all, remember that getting married is one of those times when maturity is the word of the day. When you think your parents aren't going to like your in-laws, or vice versa, keep two points in mind: These are the people who raised the person you love, and they are going to be the grandparents of children you may someday have.
Next: How to handle if your parents have nothing in common >>
Your Parents are From Mars…
Your fiancé is, in many ways, a preview of coming attractions. Dr. Zax tells the story of one woman—let's call her Linda—who brought her fiancé, Ted, home into the warm, extroverted, boisterous arms of her family. Overwhelmed by their customary familial camaraderie, Ted backed off, and began shunning family events. His family is formal; the home he grew up in maintained clear separations between parents and children. Thoughtful communication saved the day. Linda gently explained to Ted that her parents weren't trying to take over their lives, only to enjoy their company. And she spoke to her parents to let them know that Ted needed time to adjust to their enthusiasm and not to give up on him.
The meeting of the couple's parents could have been deathly. Yet, when it came time for everyone to get together, Linda forewarned her parents, asking them to tone down their usual exuberance so as not to overwhelm Ted's conservative folks.
In what can be a highly charged emotional situation, it's important for a couple to establish realistic expectations. "You want to create that relationship but not force it," says Dr. Les Parrott. "Remember that these are relationships that your parents wouldn't have chosen if you weren't getting married. But now they have this thing in common, their kids are getting married." If your parents can develop a friendship—even a superficial one—it'll be beneficial to everybody.
Part of setting realistic expectations is not underestimating your own parents in the equation. "My parents are fun and easy to get along with," says Suzanne, who's been married for several years. "But Michael's parents… I suppose they're well-meaning but they can be both dull and didactic. Conversations aren't give-and-take—they're more like lectures or monologues." Thinking she was helping, Suzanne took it upon herself to "save" her parents from her fiancé's, breaking into conversations when they seemed to drag on too long, and always being present when the foursome got together.
But Suzanne was underestimating her folks. "If Suzanne's parents really are fun and easy to get along with, then they've dealt with couples like this in social situations before," says Dr. Zax. "It seems this is more likely Suzanne's issue—her parents and in-laws don't have a problem at all. Suzanne should back out of it; remember that all four parents are adults and can handle it. "
In fact, acting like adults is something brides and grooms should be able to expect from everyone—including themselves. That means that Dad limits his pre-dinner scotches, Mom restrains herself from showing too many baby pictures, ex-husbands and -wives act civil or remain at a distance at family events if necessary, and newlyweds don't ask their parents to be people they are not.
Sometimes, acting civil is the best a couple can hope for. "There was one situation where the in-laws were competitors in a professional arena," says Dr. Leslie Parrott. "One of the fathers was on a board that was trying to oust the other in-law, who was president. That was about as tense as you can imagine. "We sort of lowered expectations so that, while they didn't expect their families to be friends together, they could create moments that would become traditions and that would create some memories to bind them," she says. It was important for the couple to leave behind completely the expectation of their parents being friends. "Basically, they went to their families and said, ‘You love us. We're your kids. We see our marriage as a lifetime commitment so even if it's a high-maintenance relationship for you guys, it's not one you can walk away from because we're in it for the long haul.' It took about two years for some real change to occur," remarks Dr. Parrott.
Next: How to plan the first meeting >>
Family Practice
To smooth the first meeting—assuming your parents don't know each other from any other setting and also assuming that you've primed them with some well-chosen connections—invite everyone to a neutral place. A restaurant is always good because then nobody is "in charge." Another especially effective strategy: Take the initiative during introductions by pointing out similarities and broaching "talking points." That way, the parents don't have to scramble to come up with things to say, "and they feel honored by their kids," says Dr. Leslie Parrott.
For instance, you might say: "Mr. Greene, I'd like you to meet my dad. You would have no way of knowing this but he is an unbelievable fly-fisherman." Your fly-fishing father-in-law will be grateful for the "in" you've provided, and your dad will be pleased with the compliment.
At first, the newlywed couple can and should act as a bridge for the parents and in-laws. Make those connections—"Mom, Mr. Curtis went to U.C.L.A., too; Dad, Mrs. Curtis is also a huge John Grisham fan." But be careful not to overdo the "running interference" tactic. "There's no sense in trying to be the mediator forever," says Dr. Les Parrott. "Once you become the messenger between the two sets of parents, you set up a pattern." After a while, you just have to leave them alone to get on with it.
Three things to keep in mind during the wedding plans: Be sensitive to what all of your parents are saying so you know what their truly important issues are. Be clear with your fiancé about what is non-negotiable so you know how far the two of you are willing to compromise on your wedding in trying to be sensitive to your parents. And, lastly, remind all the parties involved of the bigger picture. "Parents need to remember that the wedding is just one day, but they'll need to maintain a cordial relationship with this other family for a long time because they're going to be sharing grandchildren," stresses Dr. Zax.
The bigger picture, the one that includes living happily ever after, will be much prettier if you have set the scene right from the beginning. It's really not a matter of just getting through the wedding. Even if your parents and his live thousands of miles apart, their influence—and tension if there is any—will be felt in your relationship. Dr. Zax calls it the "Greek chorus" of your marriage. "You and your husband are not an isolated island," she says. "You are part of a chain of islands and you're all connected."