Most of the time, your mom takes things in stride. She's raised you—and probably a few siblings—to adulthood without too many disasters along the way. She maintains a household, juggles family finances and very likely works full-time. Naturally she has her opinions, but she generally lets you live your own life. So what is it about your wedding that's turning her into a control freak? Why do you feel compelled to hide details from her for fear she'll derail your plans? And, most importantly, what can you do to keep your relationship from devolving into an endless string of arguments over the merits of engraved versus thermographed invitations?
Back in Her Day
Before working through your issues with Mom, try to understand what's behind this troubling shift from laissez-faire parent to wedding autocrat. It may well be the way she was raised. "Even if your mom's hip to 21st-century trends, a wedding—your wedding—is likely to bring out the traditionalist in her," warns Danielle Claro, author of How to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) (Berkley). "Our moms grew up in families where their mothers did the bulk of the wedding planning. Since they didn't work outside the home, they viewed their daughter's wedding as a motherly duty—and as a right." Also, your mother was more likely to have been a younger bride than you are, and—unlike you and your contemporaries—more likely to have been living at home when she wed.
Teddy Lenderman, a wedding consultant from Terre Haute, Indiana, and author with Gerard J. Monaghan of The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Wedding (Alpha Books), agrees. "Although today's mothers realize that times have changed and that they don't get to take total control, it's still a struggle for them to feel as important to their daughters' weddings as their mothers were to theirs. A wedding is a rite of passage for both of you. A bride who understands that will go a long way toward keeping the peace." In other words, your mother may simply be pining for her little girl.
Setting Boundaries
|
The Right Words Both of you at your wits end? Follow these dos and don’ts to keep your kinship with mom on an even keel. • Do discuss your budget in detail from the start. When The Great Centerpiece Debate ensues, at least cost will not become a hot-button topic. Firm finances also keep Mom's guest list from spiraling out of control. • Do keep her informed. If your mom feels out of the loop, she just might strike out on her own. • Do tell Mom that you want to hear her opinions and will consider each one. Listen to her, and look for ways to incorporate some of her ideas. • Do not freak out, even if you feel your mom’s treating you like a difficult teen. Try to understand where she is coming from instead, and let potential squalls blow over. • Do not tell your mother she does not know what she is talking about. If she thinks it is inappropriate for you to have two maids of honor, for instance, lend her an up-to-date book or article on the topic. • Do not tell Mom to butt out. Your wedding is a special time for her, too. |
Your well-intentioned mom may not even realize that her tri-weekly phone calls asking what she can "help out with" are not really helpful at all. You don't have to shut her out completely in order to maintain control—but you do have to set boundaries early on. Talk to your mother about the role you'd like her to play. This is where you lay down the law—gently. "It's easy to get off on the wrong foot if you constantly say ‘don't' to your mom," says Claro. Statements like "Don't worry about the cake" or "Don't visit the reception site, I've got it covered" bruise her ego, make her feel left out—and probably put her on the defensive. Now you've got a worse problem! Instead of listing all the things she shouldn't do, keep her focused on what you would like her to do.
Advises Claro, "Target her strengths. If she's creative, put her in charge of something artistic, like the flower arrangements. If she's a crack negotiator, let her haggle with the pastry chef while you select the style of cake you want. A mom who's good at making people feel comfortable might be happy tackling the seating arrangements."
"Communication is key," stresses Lenderman. "Take time to find out what's most important to your mom. Is it the church decorations? The favors? Once you've got a sense of her priorities, make sure she gets a voice in those decisions. If it's the menu, for instance, find three different menus you and your fiancé like, then let her make the final selection. That way, both of you have your wishes accommodated."
When Things Get Out of Hand
The course of mother-daughter interactions rarely runs perfectly smooth. So if the battles continue despite your best efforts, consider hiring a wedding consultant. A consultant can be a great neutral party; her expertise can help you see opposite sides of an issue. "On several occasions, I've been hired as a referee," says Lenderman. "If a mother and daughter are arguing about which caterer to use, I can lay out the pros and cons objectively and help them reach a compromise. In the end, it saves a lot of stress."
Next: What to do if you still disagree ►
If You Still Disagree
"I got married in the same small town where I grew up," says Colleen DeSimone, an accounting manager from Boston. "My mom had used the same florist shop for years, and raved that it was the best in town, so I agreed to go with them." Once Colleen saw samples of the arrangements to be used at her wedding, however, she was less than thrilled. "They weren't what I wanted at all. Even worse, the florist was charging three times what I wanted to pay!"
But Colleen's mother was so insistent that in the end Colleen capitulated. "Keeping the peace with Mom was more important than the money," she admits. "And by giving in on the florist, I was able to use the seamstress I wanted instead of the one Mom preferred." Did Colleen do the right thing? Yes: "A smart bride will pick her battles," says Claro. "Let your mom have her way once in a while. Consider it a gift to her."
For Miranda, that meant giving in on the videographer and choice of entree. "I knew Mom would throw a nice party, even if the details weren't exactly what I'd pictured," she says. "And avoiding confrontation with her helped me focus on what was really important—getting married to the man I love."
Buy the Books: Order How to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) by Danielle Claro (Berkley) or The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Wedding by Teddy Lenderman and Gerard J. Monaghan (Alpha Books) from Amazon.com.