Photo Credit: Creatrix Photography
She’s smart, attractive, accomplished. She’s the first woman he ever loved. Chances are she’s a professional woman, and she may have been a single mom. Over the years, she’s developed an easy confidence. In some ways, she even reminds you of your own mom. But there is one big difference: This woman is about to become your mother-in-law.
Competition between the two most influential women in a man’s life is as old as the institution of marriage itself. But today’s mother-in-law is a new breed. And while there’s still the potential for conflict—meddling, rivalry for attention, she-or-me arguments—it’s less likely to stem from the sorts of domestic issues that prevailed in the past.
"Home-bound housewives no longer, many moms today are busy with their own careers and outside interests, so the areas of contention have changed," explains Frances K. Goldscheider, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Brown University in Rhode Island. The sources of tension may change, but the song remains the same: Strained relationships with mothers-in-law are still a sore spot. So, where does the potential for conflict lurk today, and what steps can you take to establish a positive connection with the "other woman" in your man’s life?
Mom, Inc.
Today's brides-to-be are as likely to meet their future mother-in-law over a laptop and a cell phone as a casserole. For Lisa, 35, an interior designer at an architectural firm in Portland, Oregon, meeting her mother-in-law meant being introduced to the CEO of a property development company in St. Louis.
"My mother-in-law had to work her way up as a female in a man's world," says Lisa. "She was divorced with two kids to raise, and she did the family thing along with fighting for her career. She's the kind of woman that, well, there's just no stopping her."
Even though Lisa's own mom is a V.P. in a brokerage firm, she had to admit that her mother-in-law's accomplishments were a bit daunting. "I don't know if I was intimidated by her success so much as just knowing that this dynamic woman was going to be my mother-in-law," she says.
Whereas women in your mom's generation may have wondered whether their banana bread or housekeeping passed "inspection," you may feel pressure to match your mother-in-law's career smarts—and be a good homemaker. Even if she appears all-doing, chances are, either home, hobbies or work prevails. Consider what you two have in common or in which areas you both excel, and go from there. Lisa decided that professional respect and mutual career interests would be a good foundation on which to start building their relationship.
"I thought hard about where my mother-in-law was coming from and made an effort to develop shared interests with her aside from her son," says Lisa. These days, the two women keep in touch by e-mail and Lisa's firm and her mother-in-law's company have recently entered into negotiations on a development deal. Lisa says that she's "thrilled to have a mother-in-law to look to as a mentor."
Next: Fitting in with the family ►
A Family Affair
When Chrystal agreed to marry Jeffrey, both 23-year-old students in Houston, she had some initial misgivings about how she would fit into his close-knit, traditional family. Chrystal's own mom is divorced, and she was raised to be very independent. "I guess I stereotyped Jeffrey's family at first," Chrystal admits. "He was still living at home in his parents' big house and spending a lot of time with them."Profound changes in women's lives have led to equally big changes in the way they relate to their families, especially their sons. "Even in traditional families, boys have grown up seeing their mothers as whole persons, not just as someone who keeps house," says Dr. Goldscheider. "That means that two generations of women share similar attitudes about gender roles and expectations."
The engagement period has enabled Chrystal to get to know Jeffrey's family, especially his mother, much better—even intimately. To save money, Chrystal moved in with her in-laws before the couple's wedding. "This arrangement has required us to talk openly about keeping boundaries between our relationship and their relationship with Jeff, and that has been great," she says. "I am reassured by the way Jeffrey and his mom relate, the respect he has for her as a woman, and the respect his parents have for him, and me, as adults."
Attitude Check
If the secret to future in-law relationships is respecting everyone's role, what do you do when there is more than one "other woman" and many complicated roles?
"You decide to be inclusive rather than exclusive," says Emily, a 25-year-old editor in New York City whose marriage is only two months away. "Luckily, we're Jewish," she laughs. "Our parents and step-parents, siblings, half-siblings, and step-siblings, grandparents and step-grandparents are all part of the processional anyway!"
Extended families are a fact of life for couples these days. In Emily's case, her own parents are divorced and remarried, as are those of her fiancé Aaron, a 26-year-old graduate student at Princeton. But instead of seeing this as a sticky problem, she decided to use the planning period as an opportunity to build better relationships all around.
"Two mothers-in-law means two separate relationships. Aaron was raised mostly by his mom and is her first-born," Emily explains. "She is more protective of him than his step-mom is. Her concerns for him are more traditional, and her concerns about the wedding are more traditional, too: the guest list, the rehearsal dinner and family roles.
"There's a different dynamic between Aaron and his step-mom," Emily continues. "They have a friendly, casual relationship. She's up-front about how she feels and will discuss the minutiae of wedding planning with me in a way that no one else will."
A wedding can be a time of social ranking and classification, when mothers-in-law ask "Who am I in all this?" and "How important am I to you?" Says Emily: "I've realized that getting to the heart of what concerns everyone is much more important than just being polite. It may be difficult sometimes, but in the long run, I do think honesty is appreciated by the previous generation of women as much as it is by my own."
Your mother-in-law was the first woman in your fiancé's life, and she is forever part of him. As these brides-to-be have discovered, communication and understanding can help you make her an important, and positive, part of your own life, too.
Easy Now
Before you start addressing your future mother-in-law as Mommie Dearest—or worse—meditate on these mantras to promote parental peace.
• Respect her relationship with her son; don’t try to manage it, mediate it or intrude upon it.
• Love may come in time, but "like" is more important right now. Find interests the two of you share, and build a friendship based on them. Involve her in the wedding planning. Ask for her opinions and keep her abreast of decisions as they are made.
• Speak up if you feel she is being unreasonable or unfair. The price of avoiding conflict is deferred anger and resentment, which will only intensify and surface later.
• Keep your sense of humor! Nothing eases tension like a good laugh.