You've honored your closest friends and most cherished relatives with a special place in your wedding party. As bridesmaids, they'll throw you a shower, plan a bachelorette bash and attend other pre-wedding events, which means you'll be spending a good deal of time with them in the coming months. But weddings have a way of bringing out people's true colors. And, like an ugly bridesmaid dress, those colors aren't always flattering! So what do you do about the attendant who's out to steal your spotlight? Or the one who complains all the time? Easy! Just use our baffling-bridesmaid-behavior decoder, then follow our keep-the-peace guide.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Rookie
► The Critic
► The Loner
► The Whiner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her
► The Gem
The Diva
This bridesmaid manages to make your wedding all about her. She insists on planning the shower her way and around her schedule, and on the big day spends more time primping for the camera than you do.
Watch out: The Diva is trying to steal your thunder! Kim Thomas, of Santa Barbara, California, regrets having asked her friend Pia to be in her wedding party*. "She was impossible throughout the whole thing," says Thomas. "First, she offered to have the bridal shower at her house, but said she would limit it to 25 people—even though she knows I have a huge family. Fortunately, a lot of my relatives live far away and couldn't make it, so we came in under her limit. Then, she complained about the bridesmaid dress I picked, saying it was too short—but that's because she's really tall. Also, she was late to the rehearsal dinner, even though she was warned that the minister is a real stickler about punctuality. On the day of the wedding, she called me and said she wasn't feeling well, although it was clear she was fine. And then she wouldn't stop whining about a little chip in her nail polish. She even complained when the red polish I lent her to fix it wasn't an exact match!"
What's going on: There are a few reasons a bridesmaid might try to steal the show, says Sheryl Paul Nissinen, a Los Angeles-based bridal counselor and author of The Conscious Bride (New Harbinger Publications). "If she's not married, it's possible that she's jealous, especially if she's older than the bride," says Nissinen. She could also simply be envious of all the attention you're getting (which Thomas believes was the case with her difficult bridesmaid). Another common reason—and this may explain any one of the bridesmaid "acting out" behaviors described in this article—is a subconscious feeling of sadness over "losing" a sister or best friend, Nissinen adds.
How to deal: Have a heart-to-heart with her. You might say, "Hey, I've noticed that you've turned up your nose at every suggestion I've had. It seems like there's something else going on. What's up?" "It sounds so simple, but putting it out there and validating her feelings usually does the trick," says Nissinen.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Rookie
► The Critic
► The Loner
► The Whiner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her
► The Gem
*Names have been changed.
The Rookie
This is the first time she's ever been asked to be a bridesmaid. She doesn't know she's expected to help shop for dresses, plan the shower and bachelorette party, and show up at pre-wedding events. You may feel hurt that she's not more involved.
Such was the case for Felicia Lo, from St. Augustine, Florida, who asked her sister, Dorothy, to be her maid of honor—her first gig as one. Dorothy didn't help the bridesmaids plan any pre-wedding festivities (she didn't refuse to help—she was away at school in another state and didn't make herself available to the other bridesmaids), including the bridal shower or bachelorette party. "As a result, my best friend had to host my shower," says Lo. "And my sister didn't even come to the bachelorette party!"
What's going on: She's clueless! Because she has little or no wedding experience, she is simply unaware that a bridesmaid has responsibilities other than showing up at the church in an outfit the bride's picked out.
How to deal: Don't take her inaction personally. Before you got engaged, you'd probably never heard of a wishing well, either! The Rookie simply needs a crash course in "Being a Bridesmaid 101." Maybe you can buy her one of the many humorous books on the topic, such as The Bridesmaid's Survival Guide (Viking Press), by Mary Kay McDermott, or ask one of your more experienced pals to teach her the ropes. If this person happens to be your maid of honor, you might want to ask another bridesmaid to step in at times (as Lo's best friend did), and perhaps make that willing and able bridesmaid a co-maid of honor as a thank-you.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Critic
► The Loner
► The Whiner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her
► The Gem
The Critic
She's most likely a newlywed, so she's full of advice—usually unsolicited. She'll make a lot of "should" and "can't" statements such as, "You should write your own vows" and "You can't have a chocolate-covered wedding cake!" Or, if you tell her about a wedding detail you've picked out, she'll smile politely, raise her eyebrows and say something like, "When I had my wedding, I did this…" in a not-so-subtle attempt to get you to change your mind. This know-it-all bridesmaid may be well-meaning, but she's driving you crazy with her constant opinions!
What's going on: Believe it or not, this kind of behavior indicates that she has regrets about her own wedding, whether about a style detail or because she simply can't accept the fact that her big day is over, says Nissinen. "It's similar to a bride's mother saying to her daughter 30 years after her own wedding, ‘we should do this' because that's something she didn't get to do for her own event," she says.
How to deal: While at times it may be great to have an expert around (after all, she did offer you that helpful tip about giving your DJ a "do not play" list), you don't have to let The Critic turn your wedding into a "take-two" of her own. When she offers a suggestion you don't like, thank her, but stand firm in your decisions. McDermott advises making statements that give her no room to go further, like, "I know you would choose white roses, but I've had my heart set on freesia since I was five," or "Gosh, your wedding was so great, but I want to do this my own way." If The Critic doesn't get the message and persists, just ignore her—she'll go away once she realizes her comments are falling on deaf ears.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Rookie
► The Loner
► The Whiner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her
► The Gem
The Loner
Your sole grade school pal or gym buddy can feel like a fifth wheel amid a sea of your college sorority sisters. As a result, she may take several steps back from the planning, possibly acting distant and sullen. After she asked a pal from work to be a bridesmaid along with three childhood friends, Tina Stroup, of Towson, Maryland, wondered whether she was right to include this woman in her bridal party. "My friend wasn't interested in dress shopping, planning the shower or even talking about the wedding," says Stroup. "She just disengaged."
What's going on: The Loner feels out of place and may find it hard to assert herself among your friends who share a history.
How to deal: You and the other attendants must make an extra effort to ensure she feels welcome and part of the group. Early on, host a casual bridesmaid dinner where the goal is simply for everyone to get to know one another. Of course, always copy her on group e-mails, and keep the inside jokes to a minimum—unless they're new ones that include all of your bridesmaids. If that doesn't work, you might want to graciously give her an out—which is exactly what Stroup did. Well before the bridesmaid dresses were bought, she sat her friend down and said, "I get the feeling you're not as excited about being a bridesmaid as the other girls, so I want to give you the opportunity to bow out of the wedding party, if you wish." It turns out her coworker was relieved to be let off the hook and happy to attend as a guest. Today, the women are still friends, and there are no hard feelings between them.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Rookie
► The Critic
► The Whiner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her
► The Gem
The Whiner
She's too busy to go gown shopping. She hates all bridesmaid dresses. Planning a shower is such a pain. Why did this wedding-party-pooper agree to be a bridesmaid at all? Cara Cormier, of Richmond, Rhode Island, quickly realized her pregnant matron of honor (she'd be eight months along on the wedding day) was not going to be a happy camper as the wedding planning progressed. "I spent a lot of time picking out four different maternity dresses that I thought would flatter her," says Cormier. "When she finally got around to looking at them, she called me with 101 reasons why she hated all four—the color wasn't right for her, the material was too heavy, it made her look like a tent..." After an unpleasant argument, the two hung up on each other and haven't spoken since.
What's going on: First, let's get one thing straight: "It's never about the dress," says Nissinen. While it may look that way on the surface, there is usually a deeper issue at work. Perhaps, as with The Diva, this bridesmaid is expressing sadness over "losing" you or feeling afraid or unsure about how your relationship might change once you're married (no more girls' nights out?). Sadly, Cormier will probably never find out what her pregnant former-bridesmaid was really feeling. "I doubt that I'll ever talk to her again," she says. "It's not worth the effort to me."
How to deal: It's possible to avoid a blow-up situation like the one Cormier experienced, but you'll probably have to be the one to make the first move. Talk with the difficult bridesmaid and gently say, "What can I do to make you feel better about…?" Hopefully, she'll open up about her real feelings and the problem will simply dissolve. If she resists, perhaps you need to ask her if she wants to bow out of the wedding party. If that doesn't work, you may have to accept that it's time to end the friendship, as Cormier did. People do grow apart, says Nissinen, and a wedding is often the catalyst for such a split because it's so charged with emotions.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Rookie
► The Critic
► The Loner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her
► The Gem
The Had-to-Ask-Her
Even though you really don't want your long-lost-cousin/fiancé's stepsister/insert-random-family-member-here to be a member of your wedding party, you feel obligated to ask her. But giving in to pressure from other people can make you feel resentful.
What's going on: Your invitation to join the bridal party is insincere, and the person you're asking may very well know it—but feels obligated to accept for the same reasons you asked her. A catch-22!
How to deal: Jackie Lisek, a Stewartstown, Pennsylvania-based bridesmaid who suspects she was a Had-to-Ask-Her at a recent wedding, has a tip for brides in this tricky position: Don't extend the invitation in the first place. "If you think it's an obligation to ask someone, that person probably knows it, too," says Lisek. "Personally, I'd rather not be in the wedding in that case." However, if you know that being a bridesmaid is really important to your future sister-in-law, for example, "then do it," advises Nissinen. It could be a big step in improving family relations (we're talking about your future husband's relatives, after all—who will soon be yours, too). Besides, if you chalk it up to keeping the peace with your new in-laws it won't feel like such a burden. Just do your best to make the bridesmaid feel she's as special as all the other attendants, and you can always look back on the experience and feel good, knowing you did the right thing.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Rookie
► The Critic
► The Loner
► The Whiner
► The Gem
The Gem
Hey, not all bridesmaids act out. In fact, we're pretty sure most bridesmaids fall under this category. The Gem is thrilled for you and wants to help in any way she can. If a mocha-colored dress is not her thing, she may tell you, but she'll wear the gown with a smile if that's what you want. She's there when you're feeling overwhelmed by all the planning and need a hug, a shoulder to cry on or a glass of wine (or all three). On the big day, she makes sure you've eaten and even dances with dorky Cousin Eddie.
What's going on: She's a gal who knows the true meaning of friendship.
How to deal: Thank your lucky stars for having a pal like this, then tell her how much her love and support mean to you. And don't forget to feel good about yourself, too— you obviously did something to deserve a true-blue friend like her.
Your bridesmaid is...
► The Diva
► The Rookie
► The Critic
► The Loner
► The Whiner
► The Had-to-Ask-Her