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Your mom, your sister or your best friend may be your closest confidante, but she may not always be the one who can give you the best advice for handling wedding-planning dilemmas. In fact, she may even be creating a few of your headaches—or simply may not be interested in listening to your planning woes! For this reason, some brides today are turning to bridal, or wedding, coaches for help in navigating what is often an emotionally bumpy road on the way to the big day. These coaches will work with an engaged woman to help her overcome stress and put wedding planning into proper perspective. "As your wedding plans unfold, you start dealing with conflicting egos, in-laws and too many cooks in your kitchen," says Jeri Kadison, a New York City-based bridal coach. "You may find yourself feeling anxious, tired and self-doubting."
Sound familiar? To help you deal with some typical emotional obstacles, here's advice from top wedding coaches.
Problem: "At first I was so excited about planning my wedding. But as the day gets closer, I've started to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. I love my fiancé, but sometimes I even fantasize about calling off the wedding! What's going on?"
Solution: Sounds like a case of pre-wedding jitters. At the beginning of the process, a bride may be so preoccupied with the details of planning that she forgets she's making one of the most momentous decisions of her life. Then it hits her. "It isn't necessarily a sense of doubt about the man you're marrying, but about the choice you've made to get married," says Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, an interfaith minister and cofacilitator of the Bridal Survival Club in New York City. Rev. Brockway believes that you need to be able to name your fears. She suggests brides ask themselves: Am I afraid my fiancé's not the right guy for me, or am I scared of the way my life will change after I'm married?
"If a bride tells me, ‘I love this guy and feel in my heart he's the right person, but I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my independence,' I can work with her on constructive ways to look at and overcome that fear," Rev. Brockway says. It helps to know that many engaged women share this concern, and that usually they find ways to blend their personal autonomy with their new role as a wife.
Problem: "One of my bridesmaids is driving me crazy. She has her own ideas about every aspect of the wedding, from the bridesmaid gowns to the color of the flowers. She seems to want everything her way. How can I tell her it's my wedding without causing a blow-up?"
Solution: Speak up, sooner rather than later—although you'll have to handle the discussion with care. The fact is, brides often feel guilty or anxious when they have to tell a bridesmaid what to do or not to do. However, says Phyllis Cambria, copresident of WeddingCoachPlus.com, bridesmaids have to learn that the wedding is about the bride, not about them. "Thank your bridesmaid for her wonderful suggestions, and tell her you're sure that all those ideas will work beautifully for her wedding," says Cambria. "Then give her some small assignments, like being in charge of the guest book or finding someone to bring the flowers from the ceremony site to the reception, to make her feel involved and important. I worked with a bride recently who followed this advice, and in the end, her bridesmaid took ‘ownership' of her assigned duties and made sure all the tasks were handled perfectly. Everyone was happy."
Problem: "I have a demanding full-time job, and now I'm stressed out over my priorities. How can I plan my wedding without taking away from my job performance?"
Solution: You need to get very organized so that wedding-planning time does not intrude upon office responsibilities. Think about it: Do you really need to interview six florists and eight bands? "Brides often have a lot of anxiety about how to tackle wedding planning," says Rev. Brockway. "Learn to channel your thoughts and energy toward the things that are most important to you, and then take action." Get up a little earlier in the morning to draw up your daily to-do list, or take an hour at night when you're relaxed. Make a note of phone calls or errands that you can manage to do on your lunch hour, and of course consider which tasks you may be able to delegate to helpful friends. It never fails: Getting all your ducks in a row is always the best stress-buster around.
Problem: "My fiancé and I are paying for most of the wedding, but both sets of parents are involved in our plans, and I'm worried that they'll go ahead and make too many decisions. How can I have them be part of the process without letting them do more than I'm comfortable with?"
Solution: Sit down with your fiancé and discuss with him what your parents should do and what the two of you can do yourselves. Most likely the two of you will want to handle the big decisions, like the kind of ceremony you want and whether you'd prefer a cocktail reception, a sit-down dinner, a party on a yacht or whatever else happens to be your heart's desire. But you can still make both sets of parents feel included and excited about the wedding by seeking their advice on some of the details, says Cambria. "Parents can be asked to select the music that will be played when the bride dances with her father and the groom dances with his mother," she suggests. A bride may want her mother's advice on flowers, if that's Mom's area of expertise, or her father's input on transportation to and from the ceremony and reception sites. Try to think about what suits each person best, and your parents will end up being grateful that you've taken charge in such a thoughtful way.
Problem: "My friends are starting to lose interest in my wedding plans, and I'm very disappointed. At the same time I know that I've bombarded them with too many details. How do I share my plans without turning them off?"
Solution: Don't spend every minute of your time with friends talking about your wedding. Kadison suggests: "Ask yourself if you're remembering your friends' needs and are concerned about their lives. Or are you involved 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with wedding planning? If so, you should reevaluate." Make time to go to movies or concerts with friends and be sure to talk about things that have nothing to do with your wedding. You can keep your friends updated by starting your own Web blog. "Ask each of them individually if they would like to be included in a daily or weekly e-mail update," suggests Kadison. Most brides-to-be have one person—Mom, for example—who will definitely take an interest in every detail of the planning process. Lean on her—she'll love it!
Problem: "I'm prepared to budget more money for our wedding than my fiancé is. In fact, he wants to cut corners on certain items, like the photography, that I feel are very important. I'm concerned not only about how to handle this situation effectively but also about whether our disagreements are a glimpse of money differences we'll experience in the future. What can I do?"
Solution: Treat wedding planning as the first major opportunity for the two of you to learn how to deal with money issues. In fact, if you can learn to compromise now, you're setting a great precedent for the future. "Say things to him like, ‘If you don't mind paying this much money for photography, I'll cut down on the cost of the flowers,' " suggests Rev. Brockway. Whenever there is a disagreement about spending money on a particular item—whether it's your wedding photography now or a new car later—both of you need to ask yourselves, "Can I live without it?" and "Can I live with it?" "If one of you can't live with it or without it, that's when it's time to compromise," she says. And your ability to do so will pay off in a happier relationship in the long run.