How to Spice Up Your Sex Life

Wondering how to keep things exciting? Try some of these tricks and tips to keep your married sex life steamy.

married sex secrets revealed

Play Dress-Up

Wear something that makes you feel daring and sexy, recommends Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the University of Washington and the coauthor of The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-Hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers (Berkley). Try a bustier with garters or even a French maid costume.

Keep Your Eyes Open

During intercourse, hold eye contact the entire time, recommends Schwartz. “Doing this will make the moment more intimate, sexy and memorable,” she says.

Take age-old advice

Those who practice Tantric sex follow the pleasure principles outlined in the Tantra, an ancient Indian spiritual text—usually with mind-blowing results! Surprise your new husband by focusing on his lingam (penis, in Sanskrit), says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a board certified clinical sexologist in Los Angeles. Try:

  • Spiraling the Stalk: Using a lubricant, encircle your hands around his penis, one on top of the other. Simultaneously and gently, twist one hand in one direction and the other the opposite way.
  • Making the Fire: Softly rub your husband’s lubricated penis with both hands as if rubbing a stick to ignite a spark.
  • The Thousand Yonis (yoni is the Sanskrit word for vagina): Rub his lubricated penis from the top to the bottom, covering the head and sliding your hands down to the base with one hand after the other, in a fluid motion. “For the man, this feels like he is entering a thousand different vaginas—or the same vagina a thousand times,” says Cadell.

Moves to Try At Least Once

You’ve heard the rumors: Married sex can become a little ho-hum as the years pass. But that’ll only happen if you let it. Once in a while, pull something out of this bag of feel-good tricks:

Use props you already have on-hand. Good sex is creative. So, consider introducing common household items into your foreplay routine, suggests Cadell. A rolling pin makes a terrific massager, for instance. A spatula can be used for a little playful spanking. Or go to the laundry room and make love on top of your tumble dryer while it’s on the spin cycle. “Don’t forget to christen all of your furniture as well,” she adds.

Eat dessert. “Cover your husband in one of your favorite sweets—Jell-O, chocolate sauce, strawberries—or, even better, squash a ripe mango and massage it around his penis,” suggests Cadell. “Then, devour it—and him.”

Get tied up. Everyone should try light bondage, says Paget. It can be exciting to relinquish control to, or to have control over, someone you completely trust. If ropes or handcuffs feel too scary, try using soft scarves or neckties. Then, take turns having your way with each other.

Watch each other. Only you know what feels the best to your body, so show each other how it’s done, says Paget. The act of watching is not only informative, but can be a huge turn-on.

Play with toys. “When you say ‘sex toy,’ a lot of people think you’re talking about a giant rubber penis or a vibrator,” says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a sex therapist in San Francisco and founder of the online sex-product retailer “But there are so many other fun things out there.” Buy some chocolate body frosting, massage oil or a sexual board game. “Bringing new things into the bedroom adds novelty to your routine,” he says.

Share your fantasies. It can be hard to open up about things you’ve always dreamed of doing sexually, says Gardos. “But muster up the courage to do it, even if it requires a couple glasses of wine,” he says. “Sharing these things with your partner can build a deeper bond of intimacy and trust.” Of course, if you’re both comfortable with those fantasies, fulfill them for each other.

Enter through the back door. Anal sex is taboo for many people. “Guys think it’s a ‘gay thing,’ as if somehow gay men have different nerve endings than straight men,” says Gardos. “And some women think it’ll be painful. But if you take it slow and use lots of lubrication, it shouldn’t be.” If penetration is too big a step for you, try just touching, tickling or licking each other’s perineum, the area between the anus and the opening of the vagina or the base of the testicles. This can be enormously pleasurable for both women and men.

Tried-and-True Moves

Think of these as your “speed dial” sexual maneuvers. They’ll never fail you.

Go “missionary.” You may call it “vanilla,” but research shows that the missionary position—where the man lies on top of the woman during intercourse—is still the most popular one around. Trust the numbers.

Talk dirty. Phone sex is a turn-on for most red-blooded males, says Cadell. Shy? Don’t try to act like a porn star—just say what you want to do to him tonight. “If you can think it, you can speak it,” she adds.

Be spontaneous. The element of surprise never gets old, says Cadell. Slip into the shower with your spouse, meet at home for a lunchtime “quickie,” or head out to the garage after dinner for a make-out session in the back seat of your car.

Stock your bookshelves. Buy manuals describing fun sexual activities and periodically consult them for fresh ideas, suggests Paget. When you’re in the mood for something new, throw open a book on the bed and try whatever idea is revealed on that page.

Enjoy a laugh. Play strip poker, decorate each other with body paint, have a pillow fight—do things that aren’t about having intercourse, but about having fun together in an intimate way, recommends Gardos. It’ll relax you, and help reduce any insecurites you have about your bodies, sharing your fantasies or opening yourselves up in other ways.

Ignore the “finish line.” One of the biggest sexual myths is that both partners always have to orgasm in order for love-making to be enjoyable, says Gardos. “Don’t be so goal-oriented,” he says. Take more time to enjoy just being together and experiencing all those pleasurable sensations, not only the big moments.

Don’t make assumptions. Everyone’s body responds differently from one day to the next, so never assume that, just because your husband liked the move you tried last night, he wants you to do it every night from now on, says Schwartz. Instead, when you’re doing something you think he likes, ask him, “How does that feel?” Find out what he needs today. Tomorrow is another day.