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Planning to ask Mom and Dad to contribute financially to the wedding? Here’s how to broach this very touchy topic.

Who pays for what? Traditional: The bride’s parents pay for the wedding, while the groom’s are responsible for some extras, perhaps the rehearsal dinner or the bar tab. Modern: The couple pays for everything. Modified: The tab is split three ways, among the bride’s parents, the groom’s parents and the couple themselves. Custom: Contributing family members pay for a specific piece—or several pieces—of the wedding. For example, the bride’s parents might take on the reception and the groom’s parents could pay for the photographer and the entertainment.

Money’s a tough enough subject to bring up, but with today’s bad economy, you may find yourself especially nervous about asking your parents and in-laws for help in paying for the wedding. We brought this predicament to financial pro Pam Krueger, author of The Moneytrack Method (John Wiley & Sons, 2008). Here, we lay out the wedding etiquette of asking for money.

Agree to Agree

Before saying anything to Mom and Dad, sit down with your fiancé and discuss your expectations. “Make sure you get to a point where you both agree on your vision and how much it will cost,” says Krueger. “This conversation will be the springboard for how you deal with money as a married couple.” Remember to really listen to your guy and to make compromises. Be honest with each other about both families’ financial situations; you may find that you have to scale back on your original idea.

Say It Right

Whether you speak to Mom and Dad by phone or in person, you need to be very polite when asking for moeny, Krueger says. “Ask, ‘Do you feel comfortable making a contribution to the wedding?’ Then let them suggest what’s best for them.” For example, they might propose a dollar amount or offer to pay for an aspect of the wedding, like the liquor.

Be Specific

Once money is offered and accepted, other issues arise. Will your parents assume that they’ll have more control than you’d like? You’ll have to be clear that the buck stops with you and your fiancé. At the same time, be aware that their contribution does mean that they’re involved. Let’s say that your mother wants to pay for food, but she insists that salmon be on the menu. Before agreeing, consider whether her agenda fits yours.

Also, make sure they know that you’re asking for a gift, not a loan. “Don’t borrow money,” says Krueger. “You don’t want to start your marriage in debt. There are things—a car, a home—you’ll want to buy together as a couple.”

Avoid Hurt Feelings

Remember that there are two sides of the family now: yours and his. If your own mom and dad offer to pay for half the wedding, you should run it by your future in-laws before you agree. Bruised feelings may result whenever people are put in a position to pay more or less than other people. This isn't always about wedding etiquette, make sure you're comfortable with who pays for what at the wedding. The same goes for divorced parents—discuss asking for money with both separately in order to see what each is comfortable with.

Budget Wisely

Once you’ve accepted family contributions, create your wedding budget. “Your job as a couple is to stay on track,” says Krueger. “It wouldn’t be proper wedding etiquette asking for money from your parents and then go over budget.” If you’re planning to save up money yourselves during your engagement, decide how much you can set aside each month and keep a running total as you go; for each couple this will be different. For extra motivation, keep your tally displayed on your fridge.

Krueger suggests using a debit card for wedding-related purchases, so that these costs are immediately deducted from your account, making it easier for you to stay on top of what you have left. If you spend a little extra on any one item, make sure to spend that much less somewhere else.