1. Full Financial Disclosure

Most importantly, you need to share your current financial situation, spending habits, financial expectations with your spouse. and vice versa. Forthright communication of this important information is crucial to forming a strong partnership with your spouse. after all, people argue about money more than sex (it's true!). If this information is kept secret now, you're setting the stage for future financial disaster. For instance, not knowing that your spouse has a low credit score could lead to your debt being combined with their debt, which in turn lowers your credit score.

2. Budget to Reach Financial Goals

Most newlyweds make the major mistake of not constructing a budget to reach key financial goals. Don't fall into this! Without a budget, it's super difficult to achieve financial freedom as a couple. Make sure you construct a yearly family budget to account for fixed expenses (mortgage payments, household and food expenses) and discretionary expenses (travel, shopping) while also allocating some funds for raising children, paying for college, planning a wedding, retirement, etc.

3. Maintain an Emergency Fund

Agree to set aside approximately six months' worth of living expenses in the event that you and your betrothed experience a financial hardship.

4. Plan to Pay Off Debt

It is crucial that you and your spouse evaluate each other's debt levels (credit card, student loans, etc.) and credit scores so that you can put a plan in place to make monthly payments and reduce overall debt. By following a plan, getting a mortgage approved in the future will be much easier.

5. Name Beneficiaries and Update Wills

After marriage, you should evaluate the named beneficiaries of your insurance policy and retirement accounts. Also address the issue if you're currently the beneficiary of someone else's policy. In the event that you have to divide assets due to death, it's always important to have an existing will. However, keep in mind that the beneficiaries you designate for retirement accounts (things like your IRA and 401k) and life insurance policies take precedence over those you name in your will.

6. Review Insurance Coverage Plans

Review yours and your spouse's life, health, auto and homeowners insurance policies since one spouse's coverage may be better than the other. For instance, health insurance coverage can vary dramatically, so be sure to take advantage of the plan that offers the best coverage for both of you.

7. Explore Accountants, Financial Advisors and Lawyers

Whether you have or don't have an accountant, financial advisor or lawyer, you and your spouse will undoubtedly need to make a decision on one for the future. When choosing a professional advisor, it is vital that you do your homework and obtain multiple recommendations from friends and family. While your spouse may be very content with his/her lawyer, you should still seek other references before agreeing to also use the same lawyer.

8. Tax Preparation

When thinking about how you and your spouse want to file for taxes, there are a number of factors to consider, such as your state of residence and individual income level. Generally speaking, it is more tax advantageous to file as married in that you'll do so jointly. An instance where it may not make sense to file jointly is if your spouse has significant liens.

9. Evaluate Checking Account Options

The options are generally as follows: 1) maintain a separate checking account from your spouse, 2) open a joint checking account, or 3) set up a hybrid checking account system. A separate checking account is generally recommended when one spouse has any one of the following: liens against him/her, excessive debt levels, or is not financially responsible. A joint checking account is the most common option because it is convenient and allows for spouses to monitor cash flow together. The hybrid checking account is another option whereby a joint checking account is set up to pay for necessary expenses such as household expenses and two separate checking accounts are maintained by each spouse for spending-money purposes.

10. Last Name Change (If Applicable)

While it may appear rather trivial, changing your last name on your social security card, driver's license, passport and credit/checking accounts is very important since it is a key personal identifier for your financial records.

Ryan Himmel, CPA, is the founder of BIDaWIZ.com, an online marketplace where consumers and business owners alike can get trusted answers to finance, tax and accounting questions from licensed professionals. For more information, visit bidawiz.com.

1. Have some credit established in your name only, even if other accounts are in both names. Use your own card regularly to keep reporting active.

2. If your partner has bad credit and you want to limit your exposure, choose 'authorized user' instead of 'joint account holder' on your cards. This gives your spouse access but makes it easier for you to close the account or put it back in your own name only, if necessary.

3. And finally, schedule a quarterly credit check-in. That way you can keep each other motivated to make improvements.

Photography: The Copyright Group/Superstock.

Though it's important to recognize that your love life will change over time, there's a lot you can do to maintain that spark. Here, tips for keeping things hot long past the honeymoon.

1. Reach Out & Touch Someone

Several studies show that the simple act of hugging for between 30 and 60 seconds increases levels of oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain and contributes to a sense of attachment, notes Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man. Kissing and holding hands reap those same unique benefits.

2. Let's Talk About Sex

Though you'd think a sex expert as famous as Dr. Ruth would give advice that was, well, sexier, she says communication is the key to bedroom bliss throughout your marriage. 'If you keep your needs and desires inside your heads, then the likelihood is that your sex life will slowly diminish in strength and intensity,' says Dr. Ruth. 'But if you explain your likes and dislikes, then together you can create a very good, long-lasting sex life.' No one's saying this is a topic that's easy to discuss- even with someone as close to you as your mate-but doing so today is
like an insurance policy for the future. 'With a solid foundation, even if there are valleys in your sex life, such as during the years when small babies are around, you can climb back toward those peaks,' says Dr. Ruth.

3. Hold on Tight

Sex therapist Ian Kerner emphasizes the importance of having as much physical contact as possible on a daily basis. 'It may sound obvious, but once you're married you tend to become less lovey-dovey and more complacent as you sit side by side, tapping away on your laptops, rather than holding hands or hugging.'

4. Prioritize It

After that walk down the aisle, life gets busy with daily routines and your To Do list gets more crowded, sending sex tumbling to the bottom. Worse, once you're living together it's easy to assume that you can have sex whenever you want, and thus you don't make time for it. But if you don't prioritize your love life at the beginning of your marriage, it'll be harder to do so in the future. Kerner advises consciously making sex part of your daily schedule. For example, take a shower together each morning or go to bed half an hour earlier. If the thought of scheduling sex makes you cringe, you still should leave enough room for sparks to fly. 'After all, sex can't happen if you're on Facebook for hours and finally collapse into bed at midnight,' says Kerner.

5. Do Some Self Discovery

"Sometimes getting married takes away the thrill of feeling desperately sought after,' says sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., author of Sex Smart. 'And it's not uncommon for women to find that their desire goes down at this point.' To keep your libido going strong, learn about your sexuality. Figure out how and where you like to be touched and how to communicate that to your partner. 'Now that the 'chase' is over, you need to learn your own recipe for desire and arousal,' says Zoldbrod. 'Because the more pleasurable sex is for you, the more you'll want it.'

6. Shake Things Up

'Add excitement by introducing new elements,' says Macleod, who suggests sex toys, erotica, role-playing and new positions. 'If you keep sex new and interesting, it will naturally rise to the top of your priority list.'

7. Go for the Novelty

Keeping mental tabs on when, where and how you have sex can help keep the passion alive. 'Ask yourself: Is it too predictable? Do you always do the same things in bed?' says Macleod. If the answer is yes, spice things up. Surprise your mate with sexy lingerie or get romantic somewhere other than the bedroom.'

8. Hang Your "Do Not Disturb Sign"

Day-to-day life can get so hectic that it's easy to live as if you're ships passing in the night. Romantic weekend getaways can remedy this. 'Before you're married, every weekend is romantic,' notes Macleod. 'Tag on a few years of marriage, however, and intimate couple time becomes harder to find than a pair of perfectly fitting jeans.' If an out-of-town adventure is too pricey, transform your bedroom into a romantic love nest with candelight and flowers. Or else, book a night at a local hotel, B&B or campground, or make it a 'stay-cation' and pitch a cozy tent in your backyard. P.S. Be sure to leave those BlackBerrys and cell phones behind!

9. Stay Healthy and Fit

'Exhaustion is the number-one reason long-term couples become less sexually active. In fact, many couples claim that it's fatigue, more than familiarity, that most often extinguishes their libido,' says Macleod. It becomes easier just to switch off the lights and drop off to sleep. Before you know it, you're wondering what happened to your formerly hot sex life. Ward off this all-toocommon situation and give your energy level a big boost by eating a healthy diet that limits sugar and fat and contains fresh produce, lean protein and good-for-you carbs and fats. Also, make sure to exercise regularly. 'As mundane as it sounds, being active during the day will give you the stamina to stay up late at night,' says Macleod. 'And what's great about being in the early years of marriage is that the healthy habits you make now will set the pace for the rest of your life together.' Many couples find that trying to schedule exercise time together helps with motivation-you can keep each other going even during those inevitable times when you both feel too tired. It's worth it!

10. Go Beyond the Bedroom

Pump up the passion under the covers by doing other fun things together. 'Part of what bonds people and creates sexual energy is that sense of play and newness,' says Zoldbrod. In fact, research shows that novelty stimulates the transmission of a brain chemical called dopamine, which is important for arousal and excitement, adds Kerner. Sure, you can get that feeling of novelty by trying out new positions in the bedroom, but you can also get it from watching an athletic event together, going to a play, traveling to a destination that you both decide on, spending time with friends or anything else in which the two of you share a new experience.

11. Be High Maintenance

'It's far easier-and more enjoyable-to keep a love life working than it is to try and fix it after it's broken,' says Macleod, who stresses the importance and effectiveness of 'maintenance sex' in long-term marriages. This is a tried-and-true way to deal with disparate sex drives and differing levels of sexual interest that occur naturally at different times, say, if one of you is feeling preoccupied by problems at work. 'The less interested partner may simply agree to have sex, just to keep things going,' says Macleod. If performed with affection and received with respect and love, this kind of sex can help maintain your sexual and emotional bonds, which strengthens your marriage as a whole. Adds Macleod: 'Sexual intimacy is one of the primary things that distinguishes your married relationship from all your other relationships and it deserves the attention of both partners to be sure that it stays well maintained.' -

How Real Couples Keep the Sizzle

'We have a rule that we only use our bedroom for sex and sleep, and we stick with it by banning anything electronic like TVs, computers and cell phones. Without these distractions we find more romantic things to do.'
-Neil, Los Angeles, CA

'We actually schedule times to make love. It sounds very unsexy, but if we don't 'pencil it in,' it just doesn't happen. Sometimes we simply cuddle or talk instead of having sex, but just making that time together keeps us connected and feeling good about our relationship.'
-Judy, NY, NY

'Shortly after we were married, we both started to let ourselves go, and coincidentally our sex life went downhill, too. We decided to change that by making an effort to look attractive for one another. It may sound trivial, but it's really helped life inside the bedroom.'
-Meredith, Warren, NJ

'I initiate sex more often. When we were dating, I worried about feeling rejected if he wasn't in the mood. But the feeling of commitment that comes with being married has changed all that. When he's not in the mood, it's okay-he's still my husband. But more often than not he's turned on that I'm taking the lead.'
-Melissa, Flushing, NY

Warm up your space with plush pillows, soft throws and chic table accessories.

From Left: Chair, $299, with slipcover, $59.99, from IKEA. Pillows, $10.95-$35, from Pier 1 Imports. Chenille throw, $29.99, from JCPenney. Faux-leather tray, $69.95, from Z Gallerie. Blue glass lamp, $39.99, from bedbathandbeyond.com. Leaf-patterned frame, $14.99, from Cost Plus World Market. Capiz shell frame, $5.99, from HomeGoods. Square glass vases (on table and floor), $12-$59, from Pottery Barn. Nesting boxes, $57/set of 3, by Midori. Bamboo mat, $99, from Cost Plus World Market. Wallpaper, $47/single roll, by Ashford House.

Kitchen Goodies

Cute pieces make it fun to dine and entertain at home.

	These pastel-striped dishtowels are practical and pretty, by Now Designs. $2
	New knobs and pulls, like these from Target, give cabinets and drawers an instant update, sold in sets of 4. $28
	White ceramic lattice napkin holder, from Sur la Table, holds floral napkins by Paperproducts Design. $30
	Perch a mini herb garden of mint, marjoram and lemon basil on your windowsill, by wrapables.com. $30
	A movable cart from IKEA frees up counter space. Cutting board by Architec. Utensils by Cusipro. Each sold separately. $129
	Keep snacks, cereal and baking necessities fresh in a set of colorful canisters, from walmart.com. $20
	Customize your drawers with dividers, from The Container Store. Flatware by Gibson. $3.99-$6.99

Bath Beauties

Create your own soothing oasis with colorful budget-conscious items.

	Get a glow with this set of three scented candles, by BlissLiving. $40
	Attractive baskets store toiletries and extra towels, from Cost Plus World Market. $9.99-$14.99
	Supersoft cotton towels, by Martha Stewart Everyday for Kmart, are a necessary indulgence. $3.99-$6.99
	A splash of color on the wall makes a fresh impression, from Olympic Premium paint. $18
	Marimekko's stylized leaf shower curtain, from Crate & Barrel, spruces up your morning routine. $50
	Kohl's flower-sprigged plush round bath mat is the perfect a.m. wake-up call. $30

Photography: Alexandra Grablewski.

CLASSY PASSES Monogrammed passport holders in pink and green, $23 each, by Invitations by Dawn, invitationsbydawn.com.		PRETTY IN PINK Crystal and mother-of-pearl pendant necklace, $38, available for purchase through a Lia Sophia rep, liasophia.com.
	SOY JOY Hand-poured candle of 100% soy wax, with the scent of sugar blossom and lime, $28, by Seda France, sedafrance.com.		SASSY SHADES Mother-of-pearl vintage-style compact with six eye shadow shades, $40, by Stila, stilacosmetics.com.
PICTURE THIS Keychain-sized digital frame that holds over 60 photo files, $20, by Coby, amazon.com.		SWEET SENTIMENTS Fill-in book that lets you tell her 12 ways she made a difference to you, $29, by Rag & Bone Bindery, ragandbonebindery.com.
	HEAVEN SCENT Spray perfume with notes of pear, freesia, rose, amber and musk, $48 for 1.7 oz bottle, by Lilly Pulitzer, sephora.com.		PETAL POPPERS Floral cocktail rings made of Swarovski crystals, $45 each, by Amelia Rose Jewelry, ameliarosejewelry.com.
KEEP COOL Wine cooler with pink crystal accents, $45, by Lush Life, amazon.com.		ON THE GO Set of three travel-friendly roll-on fragrances, $48, by Clean, cleanperfume.com.
	GIVE THANKS Personalized thank-you cards with printed return address envelopes, $2.75 each, by Bumpercards, bumpercards.com.		PHOTO FINISH Bound album holds up to 200 photos, $28, by Malden, amazon.com.
MIRROR MIRROR Jeweled mirror compacts, $32 for set of three, by Invitations by Dawn, invitationsbydawn.com.		FULL DECK Set of playing cards with a vintage design, $30, by Tiffany & Co., tiffany.com.
	STRONG CASE Leather folio case made for iPod, $25, by Belkin, amazon.com.		DEEP PURPLE Music player with 1 GB capacity, $47, by Samsung, amazon.com.

Photography: Mike Essig.

Find gifts for the groomsmen >>

And for the Groomsmen...

HOLD 'EM Suede poker set, includes card deck, 100 chips, pad and pencil, $36, by Proper Topper, proper topper.com.		GOOD GROOMING Set of shampoo, shaving cream, body wash and scrub, $48, by John Allan's, johnallans.com.
	SPEAK UP Prepay Motorola i290 with walkie-talkie and web functions, $50, by Boost Mobile, boostmobile.com.		WATCH IT Gunmetal-style pocket watch with copper accents, $50, by Things Remembered, thingsremembered.com.
MINI MP3 Clip-on 1 GB iPod shuffle, available with free engraving, $49, by Apple, apple.com.		SPORTS FAN Hand-painted pilsner glasses with dartboard and golf motifs, $25 each, by Designs by Lolita, designsbylolita.com.
	HAMMER IT OUT Sports-theme hammer, with baseball or football motifs, $25, by RedEnvelope, redenvelope.com.		FLIP OUT Nautical flip-flops, $40, by Vineyard Vines, vineyardvines.com.

Photography: Mike Essig.

Meddling Moms

Mother-daughter relationships are complex enough. Add wedding planning to the mix and they get even more so. “A mother's role in the wedding can touch on financial, emotional and cultural issues,” explains Bethann Schact, the bridal coach at One Precious Life Counseling and Coaching Services in Natick, MA.

• Figure out the financials. If your parents are paying for the wedding, they may do so with strings attached. “My mother wasn't sold on the wedding planner so she fired her,” says Lily, 24. “It was frustrating, but she was paying so she had the final word.” You and your fiancé should figure out your budget early on and discuss with both sets of parents who will pay for what and how much. If Mom and Dad are kicking in a large amount, ask them how involved they expect to be. If you find out they want a high level of control, you may want to think twice about the arrangements.
• Pick your wedding planning battles. If you don't care all that much about the flowers and tablecloths, give those jobs to your mom; if the dress and music are critical to you, take those tasks on as your own. When it comes to her desires versus yours, pick those that matter most to you and address them head on. Simply tell her, “I understand that you want me to wear your wedding dress, but finding my own is really important to me. However, I'd love to wear your earrings,” Kadison says.
• Go below the surface. “When you're able to recognize and address the issues underlying your mother's behavior, the two of you can actually become closer through this process instead of more fractured and resentful,” says Paul. Think about what may be triggering your mother's behavior; she may feel she's losing her daughter, or she may be experiencing emotions that have to do with her own marriage. Perhaps she feels she has do your wedding planning because her mother planned hers. Have a heart-to-heart talk. Start by trying this: “Mom, I know this is a really emotional time for you, too. Can we talk about it?”

Inappropriate In-laws

There's that old saying, “A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife.” The essence of this saying may be lurking behind your future mother-in-law's outrageous behavior. “A wedding signifies that it's time for a son to cut the apron strings and to make his future wife the number one woman in his life,” says Paul. “A transfer of allegiance from mother to wife takes place and this may not be easy for his mom or his whole family.”

• Include the in-laws. Often, in-laws feel left out, pure and simple. This happened to Madeline, 29. “My in-laws were upset that we didn't invite more of their friends. At the wedding, my mother-in-law acted displeased the whole time. It was mortifying! I think it was her way of getting even.” Though you don't have to do everything they want, figure out how you can accommodate at least some of their wedding planning demands, so you start out on the right foot with your soon-to-be family.
• Be clear about their role. Not too long ago, there were traditional divisions of wedding planning responsibilities. For example, the bride's family paid for the wedding and the groom's paid for the rehearsal dinner. “But times have changed and these things can't be assumed anymore,” says Schact. So sit down with your in-laws and decide what they will be responsible for. Say something like, “We understand this process can be difficult. But we want everyone to be happy, so let's agree upon what your roles are now.” “Just don't ask your soon-to-be mother-in-law to be your wedding planner. For me, that ended in disaster,” says Beth, 25.
• Let your fiancé do the talking. If there are issues with the in-laws, let your groom-to-be step into the fray and show his family that the two of you are a wedding planning team. “It's part of his transition to manhood and a symbolic start to your life together,” says Paul.

Diva Bridesmaids

“One of my bridesmaids showed up at my shower with a severe hangover,” says Sara, 30. “On the wedding day she was hours late to the hair and makeup session, but still expected full service when she sauntered in.” When a bridesmaid behaves badly, there may be more going on than meets the eye.

• Analyze yourself first. Although you're probably not making extreme demands, perhaps you've gotten a little carried away. “I loved the idea of my maids all having the same hairdo, so I suggested that one of them cut her bangs to match the others,” says Sue, 28. “Later I realized how ridiculous it was and why she seemed so miffed.”
• Pick a point person. Choose a go-to gal to be in charge of the wedding plans of the bridesmaids. “This way you can have her corral them and tell them what to do,” Schact says. “Since she's neutral it may be easier for her to organize them to plan the shower, for example.”
• Have some girl talk. “Your bridesmaid may say that she's ‘busy,' but busy may hide her jealousy of you for getting married or even disapproval of your groom,” says Schact. She also may be worried that your friendship is going to change once you walk down the aisle, which may cast a pall on her feelings about your marriage. Lastly, “old conflicts in your friendship may surface,” says Paul. “Be up front. Try: ‘It seems to be hard for you to be a part of things. I'd like to talk about what's going on.' ” If she's a true friend, she'll be open to making changes.

Photography: Kenzie Shores Photography

Your tableware has a wonderful Italian feel to it. How did your love affair with that country begin?

I first visited Italy when I was 16. Something immediately touched my soul, and I knew I would go back. Sure enough, in my junior year of college I went to study near the town of Perugia, known as one of the last places where you could still find real hand-painted Italian pottery. When I started my company, I was fluent in Italian, and this enabled me to work one-on-one with local artisans to produce pieces rooted in the culture but with a modern spin. Now, I return to the area every year to scour the open-air markets; there are always new colors and shapes that excite and inspire my designs.

You have said that your mother is your muse. How has she influenced your design sensibilities?

Most of your line is packaged in gift sets. Why is that?

What can we expect to see from you in Spring '09?

The theme for this season is all about escape. to better times and to the exciting places that we'd like to visit but maybe can't afford right now. I focused on items that encourage couples to get in the habit of entertaining at home, such as cake and dessert plates, tiered display pieces perfect for mini quiches or tea cookies and oversize platters. They're whimsical and fresh and hopeful; I want to remind people to celebrate together more often.

Photography: (from top) Rosanna Bowles; Secret Garden mini vases, tea accessories and dessert plates; Boho holiday tumblers votives, hurricane lamp and bottles; Beach Bottles vases.

For more information, visit rosannainc.com.

Saving Up

Rent or Own?

Prepping for Parenthood

Retirement Readiness

Dos and Don'ts

DO...double-check health insurance coverage to see if it makes sense for him to switch to your plan or vice versa. or to remain on separate plans. It'll take some number-crunching, but with health insurance costs skyrocketing, it pays to figure out what's most advantageous. Caveat: If one of you has a pre-existing condition that is already covered by your insurance, it may not necessarily be wise to change. Ditto, if you plan to have a baby soon; make sure you're on the plan that has the best pregnancy and birth coverage.
DON'T...spring for life insurance right now, unless you already have children. Life insurance is only necessary if you have someone who depends on your income, such as a child or a nonworking spouse.
DO...work out a mutually acceptable way to handle spending. Some couples find that if they agree to discuss any expenditures over a certain amount, say $100 or $200, they can usually avoid an argument when someone comes home with a new mountain bike. “It's helpful if one spouse doesn't micromanage the other person's spending, but each spouse needs to have some limits,” says Rains.
DON'T...plan to save for your potential (or actual) children's college savings at the expense of your own retirement. There are always ways available to pay for college (scholarships, loans, affordable state universities and community colleges, etc.). Retirement, however, is a different story. and you won't want to come up short for that.

This is your first foray into tableware. What appealed to you about collaborating with Mikasa, and how did you conceive the collection?
Good design is key to attractive tableware, and I feel both of our companies are equally passionate about this. I focused on harmonizing modern silhouettes with bright colors and floral motifs to give the dinnerware a fresh, yet vintage feel. In the same way I construct my fabrics, I layered the colors, shapes and patterns. It was also important to create a broad selection of dishes and shapes, so that they could be used on the table day or evening.

How did your previous textile lines inspire your dinnerware patterns?
Vintage Botanica is based on a print from my Belle fabric collection. I wanted to evoke a mood that is lush, romantic and sophisticated, while staying light, easy and graceful. It's contemporary but fanciful a fresh take for the table of today's woman. My other great loves are gardening and travel (in fact, much of my travel abroad is spent visiting historical gardens), so my fabrics often reflect my fondness for florals and the natural world. Since I love using vibrant motifs on everyday things, it was natural to apply them to my dishes.

How is designing a tableware line different from working with fabric?
Fabric has texture, which I wanted to simulate on the china. I worked to create a beautiful, tactile quality. making a woman feel as though she wants to touch the dishes. It's equally important that the dishes are pleasing to the eye and feel good in your hands.

You often refer to your style as “Midwest modern.” How do you define this?
Because I grew up in a small town in Ohio, I think of the Midwest as honest, approachable and easy; modern applies the idea to today's world. It's about honoring vintage design while reinventing it. My sense of style comes from making things that are exciting and new, yet familiar and comfortable.

What is your favorite wedding gift to give friends and family?
I love to craft things and give gifts with personal meaning, so I consider the taste of the bride and groom, then hand-make them something they can use in their home.

Porcelain tableware and accessory pieces, all from the Vintage Botanica collection by Amy Butler for Mikasa. For more information, please visit amybutlerdesign.com or mikasaandcompany.com.

• When registering make two lists: what you have and what you want. Then register for what you both want.
• To create a harmonious home, combine favorite old pieces (yours and his) with new items you each agree upon.
• Foundation pieces, like a sofa, should be neutral. Big hits of color and pattern can be added in the form of pillows, throws and wall color – changed seasonally.
  
  

HOT TIP: Pack your personal luggage with items you'll need immediately, including clothes, towels, sheets, toiletries and cleaning supplies, especially paper towels and sponges.

1. If you don't love an item or use it daily, get rid of it. Parting with your first set of dishes may be difficult for sentimental reasons, but just think of the effort it will take to pack, transport and unpack them again. Goodwill and the Salvation Army are better for larger donations, but local shelters and churches always need nonperishable items.
2. Anything that is chipped, broken or has missing parts should be thrown away or recycled. Moving companies seldom transport liquids, so properly dispose of cleaning supplies and paint. For your own security, shred personal documents before discarding them.
3. Items you don't use in your daily life. pictures, decorations and collections. should be packed first. If something is particularly valuable, like your grandmother's china, you should move it yourself.
4. Choose the right container for the items you are packing, whether clothing, dishes, lamps or mirrors; this saves time and prevents breakage. Foam sleeves are great for stacking dishes and fragile objects. Pack heavier items, like books, in smaller boxes and lighter, bulkier items in larger ones. If a box rattles, add more cushioning. Wrap furniture in heavy-duty blankets to prevent scratches.
5. Buy a tape dispenser, markers, bubble wrap and packing paper. Label your boxes with a list of their contents; also keep an account of how many boxes belong in each room. That way you'll know sooner rather than later if anything is missing. Make sure this information is visible on every side of the box; you never know how the boxes will be unloaded and stacked.

Choosing a Moving Company

• Use a local company recommended by a friend or acquaintance. Lower bids found online may be unreliable or a scam.
• Check references. Also, contact the Better Business Bureau in your area to make sure that the movers are properly insured and don't have any pending complaints.
• When getting estimates, ask these questions: Do you charge by hour, distance or weight of the belongings? Is gas included? Do you charge for stairs? What happens if something is lost or breaks?

Q: You've had a workshop in India for many years. How have the skills you acquired there affected your design sensibility, particularly with this line?
A: I have a deep love of craft-based design, and I thrived while working with Indian artisans. With Waterford, I learned from the Irish glass cutters and blowers who have been practicing these skills for years. I do my best work when I'm able to fully absorb all aspects of the craft process, including its limitations. It's only then that I know how far I can push it, producing pieces that are anchored in the particular technique yet conceived from an outsider's perspective. It was fascinating to see the idea work just as well in Ireland as it did in India.

Q: How can a bride use these somewhat nontraditional designs on her table?
A: My work appeals to a bride precisely because it doesn't look like her mother's registry yet celebrates the same timeless values: originality, quality and handcraftedness. With strong accents in all three lines, my designs allow a modern woman to express her unique vision for her table and home; the more conventional pieces she registers for will create a lovely backdrop for them.

Q: What is your favorite wedding gift for friends and family?
A: I love gifts with an experiential element. For example, I might take a crystal vase to my favorite florist and have him fill it with beautiful white roses, then hand deliver it to the couple. It's wonderful to give something that retains the memory of the moment and continues to add to the quality of the couple's new life together.

Michael's Registry Tips: • Discuss your lifestyle and what elements are important to you both. Perhaps her tastes can define the formal table and his the more casual meals. • Remember, this should be fun. When else can you go shopping and not have to pay for anything? Focus on choosing items that you can enjoy for a lifetime. • Celebrate each other's personal styles and try to find places in the home where you can both express yourselves. Really learn to enjoy your differences as much as you enjoy your similarities.

1. Divide up tasks with your husband. I've found that vacuuming, mopping and dishwasher duties are chores that men handle well. It's also easier for him to move furniture when he vacuums, so he'll do a more thorough job. Speaking of husbands, never criticize! Offer suggestions, and learn to work together. Think of it as another form of quality time.
2. Set a daily cleanup routine. After dinner, spend 15 or 20 minutes tidying up around the house while your husband gets the dishwasher going. Put a load of laundry in the washer. If you make sure to do this every day, your home will always be neat if the in-laws make an unexpected visit.
3. On the weekend, split up the chores and set a timer for one hour. When the bell rings, reward yourselves with a stroll in the park.
   If the hour wasn't enough, increase the time in 15-minute increments over the next few weeks.
4. Keep cleaning supplies for each room in one place. Store kitchen tools under the sink and put dusting supplies in a closet. Complete one task before moving on to another. and put the cleaning tools away when you're finished.
5. Be sure to use a cleaning product correctly. For example, many disinfectants should soak on a surface for 10 minutes and then be rinsed with water. Most people spray and wipe immediately, leaving bacteria and toxins behind.

HOT TIP: Never rub a spill on carpet. Instead, sprinkle a heavy coat of baking soda, and vacuum when dry. Works for all kinds of spills.

What You'll Need

• A duster made of lamb's wool, a natural material that holds dust and does not require any cleaning agent.
• ACT Natural multipurpose cloths, which use only water to hold dirt and grease.
• Mr. Clean Magic Erasers are great for spills. Add water to clean tiles and walls.
• Sonic Scrubber, a small device that delivers 3,600 strokes per minute as it cleans without soap.

Photography: (top) Alexandra Grablewski; (book) courtesy of Pocket Books.

Get the inside scoop about this publication from Bridal Guide's Q & A with Shandon Fowler!

A Better Groom Guide
Q: Tell me the story behind your publication. Why did you decide to write this book?

A: The engagement seems to last forever, and it builds to the crescendo of the wedding that, even in the most extreme cases, lasts a week at most and more frequently about 36 hours. Then you have all of this time after the wedding to either relax, or think about what just happened. I'm more of the kind to think about what happened. what worked and what didn't work. What we would have changed. What we loved. And, for me, what the hell just happened?

I began thinking about the book while we were still engaged. My wife had given me another groom book as a gift. I thumbed through it a little but mostly found it patronizing. the writers were more concerned about cracking jokes than providing real advice. About two months after our first wedding anniversary, a friend contacted me and said his publisher was looking for somebody to write a guide to getting married from a groom's perspective. It was so serendipitous that it had to happen! I spent about four months writing it and another month revising it with much help from my fantastic editor, Jason Rekulak.

The Woman You Love v. Your Fiancé >>

A: Give us tasks, especially physical labor, and we're fine. Put us in front of a bride who is crying one moment and making threats on our life the next, and we're basically helpless. I wanted to let guys know that they aren't alone. that everyone who gets married goes through extreme personality changes.

There were a couple of instances early in our engagement that made me think I really didn't know the woman I was about to marry. Then, after being roped into watching about 10 minutes of Bridezillas one night with my fiancée, it dawned on me: Women transform themselves to handle the pressures of weddings. This is not the Woman I Love relating with Bridezillas, this is My Fiancée, and the rules of engagement have changed.

The primary difference between the two is that Your Fiancée is hyper-vigilant. The Woman You Love may be afraid of spreadsheets, but Your Fiancée will master them in hours if that's what it takes to get the guest list worked out. The Woman You Love may have never dieted a day in her life, but Your Fiancée will forgo anything remotely fattening for months on end to get to or stay at her optimum dress size. It's really remarkable.

The only advice I can provide for grooms is to just as vigilantly stay out of the way. Encourage your fiancée to get you involved by letting her know your strengths and weaknesses (and don't assume she already knows them!), but don't simply ‘try to be helpful', because most of the time she won't think you are being helpful at all. And, remember, it's not really The Woman You Love insulting you with reckless abandon. it's Your Fiancée. So don't take it too personally but also don't be afraid to tell her when she's gone too far. Just do it rationally rather than engaging her. Don't rattle the cage.

Keeping the Peace >>

A: The two main planning arguments we had were over the size of the wedding and the number of events. I come from a big city and a small family and my fiancée comes from a small town and big extended family, so it had much more to do with the dynamics of a close-knit community than if we'd been married in my hometown. We ended up with something a bit larger than we may have initially imagined, but we have no regrets whatsoever.

As for the events, most guys probably think of just two things: the wedding and the bachelor party, and not necessarily in that order. But there are many more events, especially in the south. engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, bridesmaid luncheons, showers, and more . that all require tight-knit planning. Our main arguments were about how big the parties would be, who would be planning them, who would pay for them, and so on. Plus, I made a big mistake of trying to fit in too much on the wedding weekend itself. It got a little tense and I certainly made some mistakes on planning out my time. But once the parties themselves started, we were able to get past it and have fun.

My advice for guys is to take your medicine (read: let your wife be angry with you and just apologize to her) and wait for her to get past any mistakes you've made. And the same goes doubly in reverse: do not point out your wife's mistakes in the heat of the moment, because you'll almost certainly say or do something you'll regret. Be thoughtful. Anticipate what might pose problems and then address them without challenges or accusations. You may have small arguments if you do it this way, but small arguments that are resolved are way better than big arguments that are not.

The Fun Stuff >>

The Fun Stuff
Q: If you could pick your top three wedding planning favorites (picking out a cake, choosing a location, shopping for registry, making the guest list, etc.), what would they be and why?

A: I think it will differ for every guy, but as a writer and designer who's also into music, I loved making a creative save the date, compiling a mix to give away to guests, and picking the band. I have to admit that I also liked picking out clothes. just because we're dudes doesn't mean we're afraid to dress up. But, naturally, picking the catering was by far my favorite. Who wouldn't like getting free barbecue, cake, tomato sandwiches and more?

I also put together an “Alternative Registry” with non-traditional wedding items. There are a lot of things on your registry that will be beneficial to both you and your wife, and there are a lot of things that are primarily for her. I picked some stuff like camping gear and a gas grill that we would both use, but that might be considered more guy-oriented and “tacky” on a wedding registry. But guess what? Every item on my “Alternative Registry” was bought by friends of mine or by others who were tired of buying the same old wedding gifts.

Keep the Fire Lit >>

Fowler's Tips for Good-Grooming: Encourage your fiancée to get you involved by letting her know your strengths and weaknesses. Give ideas only when asked to do so, and never expect your ideas to matter. Understand that you are part of the support staff. Do not point out your wife's mistakes in the heat of the moment, because you'll almost certainly say or do something you'll regret. Be thoughtful. Anticipate what might pose problems and then address them without challenges or accusations. Set at least one night per week as “date night.”

Keep the Fire Lit
Q: In the engagement section of your book, you talk about ‘How to Keep the Romance Alive' by going on dates, spending a day at the spa, buying flowers, etc. Why do you think this is so important?

A: Having second thoughts during an engagement is very common. in fact, I'd be more suspect of those who say they did not have cold feet at some point than of those who say they have. There's just so much that is asked of you, and your wife can start to seem like more of a business partner than a soul mate. That's why it's important to stay grounded. It is great if you can get away for a weekend or go to the spa, but it can be something as simple as watching a movie or making dinner for your fiancée. I suggest you set at least one night per week as “date night.” It sounds cheesy, but if you set a date and don't allow yourself or your fiancée to get out of it, and then you promise not to talk about the wedding planning at all, you will keep in touch with each other and with reality. My fiancée and I would go out to dinner regularly and completely aviod discussing wedding planning, or we would go to the movies so that we wouldn't have to think about anything except what was on the screen. We certainly had tension during our engagement, as does everyone else, but without those dinners and movies it would have been much worse.

Words of Wisdom >>

Related Articles It's His Wedding, Too! How to Get Your Groom Involved (In the Planning!)

Words of Wisdom
Q: What final advice do you have for grooms who would like to become more involved with the wedding planning?

A: My advice for grooms who want to get involved, and for brides who want their grooms to get involved, is to understand that the groom is part of the support staff. They should help with the heavy lifting, literally and figuratively, as opposed to being a full partner in the wedding. Offer to help in the areas where your strengths lie. help balance the budget if you're an accountant, make the invitations if you're a designer, or pick the photographer and/or videographer if you like electronics. Give ideas only when asked to do so, and never expect your ideas to matter. There will be plenty of time for feeling hurt and insulted once you're married!

Trust me brides, most grooms are totally fine with this arrangement. Give us stuff to do that you know we can get done. and that doesn't require thought. and we'll do it. Better yet, give us deadlines that are padded so that we're not waiting until the last minute, and we'll be the man you always imagined we could be. Then, sit back and enjoy your wedding!

For more information on Shandon Fowler, please visit shandonfowler.com.

Sarah Snow, most recently with the Discovery Home Channel's “Get Fresh With Sarah Snow,” will be the lifestyle expert for Discovery's Planet Green network, launching this June. Here, Sarah's favorite healthy cleaning tips.

1. Cut back on single-use products and opt for some that are multi-purpose, like one cleaner for countertops and windows instead of two; you'll save money as well as natural resources. Plus, fewer bottles means regaining precious storage real estate in your home.
2. Look for recycled toilet paper, tissues, napkins and paper towels. Better yet, choose reusable shammies instead of paper towels.
3. Synthetic fragrances may contain as many as 200 chemical ingredients, some of which can be hazardous to your health. Products scented with essential oils like citrus and eucalyptus are a good alternative.
4. Chlorine bleach can irritate skin, eyes and nasal passages. When mixed with cleaners that contain ammonia or acids, a lung-damaging gas results. Choose products with non-chlorine bleach.
5. Use castile or other plant-based liquid soaps, like Dr. Bronner's, as a body wash. Add a little warm water and use the soap to clean countertops and wood floors.

Less Plastic: Fantastic

Economical formulas and nature-sparing packaging make all these cleaners good choices.

COMPACTOR How to get 48 gallons of cleaner into a 10-ounce bottle? Add 1/2 teaspoon of Shaklee's Get Clean Basic H2 Concentrate to one gallon of water, and clean everything from your cookware to car.

NOT YOUR MOM'S DETERGENT Tide's concentrated 50-ounce formula contains as much detergent as its old 100-ounce containers. Saving on plastic packaging, 2x Ultra Tide proves that good things do come in small packages.

WEE SQUIRT Empty a 1-ounce Glass Plus Dissolvable Refill into a clean, old spray bottle, mix with water and presto!. 32 ounces of spritzable glass cleaner.

SUPER SUDS With Nellie's All Natural Laundry Nuggets, you'll never again overuse detergent. Each dissolvable 1/2-ounce pellet is the right amount of condensed additive-free detergent that you'll need.

PLOP FIZZ Festival's Drop and Clean premeasured packages contain an all-purpose cleaner that works double duty in your bathroom and kitchen. One packet mixed with water makes up to two gallons of bleach-free cleaner. . Kristen M. Intindola

Photography: (top) Drew Endicot; (bottom) Alexanddra Grablewski.

Q: How do you find such a variety of wares, and what standards do you set for them?
A: We're constantly looking for new products that fit our strict design and sustainability standards. From an aesthetic standpoint, we simply don't believe that products need to look eco-friendly to actually be green. For example, we have a fun line of handmade bamboo bowls-colored with a natural lacquer derived from cashew trees-which come in nine colors and look great on any table.

On the sustainability side, we are even more demanding: Merchandise must be made from organically grown fibers, recycled or reclaimed stock or from a naturally occurring, renewable source. Materials we look for include cork, wool, wool felt, organic fabrics and, of course, bamboo. In addition, we look at how the product is manufactured, what packaging materials and dyes are used, how much energy is expended and if the workers were paid a fair wage and have healthy working conditions. We don't want consumers to blindly make purchases but rather to ask these kinds of questions and be responsible for making positive changes in the environment.

Q: Any designers or products that you are particularly excited about?
A: There are many designers entering this realm, some entirely new to the field and others who have been around for years. Galya Rosenfeld, for instance, produces a stunning line of pillows that are entirely handmade of reclaimed ultrasuede strips (which are actually scraps from the upholstery industry). Another favorite, Esque, uses recycled glass stock that is processed in an electric furnace powered by wind energy.

Q: What do you offer for brides who want to make a positive impact on the environment?
A: We are thrilled to feature an online registry that offers distinct, beautiful and sustainable items that can't be found in conventional stores. In the future, whenever you shop, ask these questions: How is this product made? Is it sustainable? Biodegradable? Where is it imported from? When consumers start demanding products that are more thoughtfully made, that will make the biggest impact on our future.

Paul's Top Picks

Recycled glass pitchers by Esque	Organic bamboo bowls by Bambu	Glacier pillow by Galya Rosenfeld

Photography: (Still life) courtesy of branch.

1. Choose recycled paper for party invitations (there are plenty of styles and colors available). Also, check out what you have around the house. Unused graph paper is easy and quick to print on, and sandpaper pieces make an interesting background for pretty colored paper. Evites are another option but a little too impersonal for my taste.
2. When it comes to party supplies and decor, be resourceful. Slice old wine corks and insert place cards in them; use extra fabric for a table runner and look for inexpensive bandannas from a local thrift store to serve as napkins. For beautiful serving pieces, fill recycled glass jars with sangria and fresh fruit. Use your own china, and don't be afraid to borrow or rent tables, chairs, linens or extra dinnerware. If you must buy paper goods, look for those that are recycled, compostable or made from sugarcane.
3. There are several energy-efficient ways to light up your evening. Solar lanterns have special panels that absorb sunlight and cast a soft glow on your festivities as day turns to night. These can easily be moved from place to place or strung on a rope. Another fun option is to decorate garden rocks with a special glow-in-the-dark paint (found at crafts stores); place the rocks on tables or along a path. And choose candles made of beeswax or soy-they're all natural and they burn longer.

HOT TIP: Buy organically grown products from local farmers and markets. Organic wines, for instance, come in many varietals and prices.

Extra Eco-Touches Whenever possible, utilize your local resources. You can find all kinds of inexpensive, recycled and multifunctional houseware and decor items at hardware stores, crafts and thrift shops and flea markets. Galvanized buckets, made from recycled steel, are great for separating waste and can be easily washed and reused; have one for paper, one for glass and another for trash.

Photography: (still life) Courtesy of JCPenney.

There's no better time than right now to create an eco-friendly environment in your home. Here, we're showing healthy, high-tech tools for getting floors squeaky clean, as well as products cleverly designed to be kind to the earth.

IN BASKET, FROM LEFT: Dishwashing brush by Caldrea. Lemon verbena-scented countertop spray by Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day. Biodegradable liquid soap concentrate by Vermont Soap Organics can be used for laundry, dishes or as a hand soap. Nonaerosol spray starch by Scently Pressed. Plant-based Ecover dishwashing liquid from Green-Kits. Goat-hair bristle duster by Caldrea. Blue dryer ball by Nellie's Laundry. Biodegradable scrub sponge by Casabella from The Container Store. Basket made from reclaimed Chinese fir trees from VivaTerra. In foreground: bamboo-handled scrub brush by Casabella and from EcoExpress, Eco-Me Home Cleaning Essential Oil (mix with vinegar or baking soda), and biodegradable sponges by Twist.

Photography: Alexanddra Grablewski.

1. BREATHING ROOM Sleek and chic, the AirPod mini air purifier, from Gaiam, uses less energy than a light bulb to freshen up a 50-square-foot space. The HEPA filter removes illness-causing bacteria; available in three patterns. wave (shown), branches or damask.

2. GREEN SWEEP The bristles on Libman's broom are made from recycled plastic bottles. helping to keep them out of landfills.

3. GOOD WOOD Bamboo tool holder by Casabella will help keep order in your storage closet.

4. RUB A DUB DUB The wooden-handled scrub brush by Caldrea has strong plant-fiber bristles, perfect for cleaning grout between bathroom tiles.

5. MOP UP The mint-green Bissell Steam Mop deep cleans hardwood floors with hot steam. no chemicals necessary. Eco-bonus: The microfiber mop pads can be washed and reused.

6. HOT STUFF Shark's lavender steam mop transforms tap water into a steam cleaner that performs better than chemical mop pads.

7. DEEP CLEAN The hypoallergenic Intellashield vacuum by Oreck contains a built-in antimicrobial agent that helps kill bacteria and eliminate mold and mildew.

8. RIGHT LIGHT Halo's UV-ST Ultraviolet vacuum zaps bacteria and mold with chemical-free ultraviolet rays. It has a 14-inch cleaning path and powerful pick-up but weighs less than 17 lbs.

9. SHELF LIFE from left: Phosphate- and perfume-free window cleaner by Earth Friendly Products from Green-Kits. Caldrea's phosphate- and chlorine-free powdered scrub. Lemon verbena stainless steel spray cleaner, by Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day. Microfiber cleaning cloth, by Eco-Me from EcoExpress. Wardrobe and sisal rug, both by Ikea.

Photography: Alexanddra Grablewski.

You know what to expect from marriage, right? You stop being boyfriend and girlfriend and become husband and wife. You become your own little family. Here, married couples let us in on things they didn't expect.

'We were together for 15 years before we were married, and we considered ourselves a fully committed couple. But I was surprised by how much more committed I felt after marriage. I think part of it was that people's attitudes toward us changed; it was as if we'd never been seen as a 'real' couple before. Once we fit into that category, everyone seemed to 'get' us better!'
-Rachel, Scarsdale, NY

'At first it was hard to get used to the idea that my money wasn't necessarily just mine anymore, and that I was going to have to manage it better, share and save! But now I'd say that I actually love our joint bank account. It's what we've set up to pay our bills and save for the future. Each month we enjoy looking at the amount we've been able to put away together. It's fun seeing something tangible that we've accomplished as a couple.'
-Megan, Livingston, NJ

'Activities that my husband used to do solo or with other guys are now my responsibility. For example, he's a sci-fi geek and I'm expected to watch Star Gate with him.'
-Tamara, Denver

'I'd lived alone for ten years before getting married. On my last couple of nights in my bachelorette condo, I kept thinking how much I would miss my freedom. Now, while I still cherish my autonomy, I get lonely when my husband is on a business trip or out late with the guys.'
-Annabella, Newton, MA

'Job security is not as much of a concern for me now. My husband and
I are in it together, and I know that if something happens, I'll have my partner to fall back on.'
-Liz, Chatham, NY

'Sleeping becomes more of an adventure. There's the romantic notion of spending the night cuddling together, but after you're married, it's more like flying elbows and legs. There's snoring and incoherent talking in one's sleep. (After a while, you learn to appreciate a business trip and a truly great night's sleep all by yourself!) Fortunately, falling asleep and waking up beside the one you love makes it all worthwhile.'
-Robin, Fayetteville, NC

'The best thing is that my husband has started to cook. He definitely takes the lead in the kitchen, and he seeks out new recipes online to try out. (Now if only he'd become as interested
in cleaning up!)'
-Ranee, Apple Valley, MN

'The biggest change was how much we both had to compromise for holidays. We're in Atlanta and my large extended family is in Southern California while his is in the Bay Area. Everyone wants you there for the holidays. When we were dating, my family took priority, but now we've learned to equalize things. It can be a bit hectic, but it's working.'
-Vicki, Atlanta

'Ironically, I found that marriage made us both secure enough to spend more time pursuing our own interests and careers. As singles, we were more likely to spend all our time together; now that we have a solid foundation we're taking more productive steps in other aspects of our lives.'
-Jennafer, Philadelphia

'When I got married, I had to get used to the fact that I no longer had to do everything. My husband would offer to clean or do laundry, and I would say, 'No, I'll do it.' When I finally let him help, I was amazed at how great (and how much easier!) it was to be a team. I never thought I'd let go of my controlling tendencies, but I did.'
-Robin, Fayetteville, NC

'The biggest change for me was becoming our own family. Suddenly, what was best for us-not for our extended families-came first. It's all about my husband and me making decisions that work for us. This can still be hard for me at times, but our decisions are not based on pleasing our families.'
-Jessica, Los Angeles

'I can easily say I am no longer the crazy party girl who used to dance on tables. Since I have been married I have no desire to do that.'
-Lori, Teaneck, NJ

'As a single woman, I was pretty open with my girlfriends about all aspects of my relationship, including arguments, sex, gripes, etc. But after we got married, I became much more protective of our relationship. It's as though a lot of things have become more private. Now, if my husband and I argue, I'll discuss our issues with him before I'll think of confiding in others. What has really surprised me is that I often find that once the two of us talk things over, I no longer need to turn to other people.'
-Beverly, Los Angeles

'Your money and his money become 'our money.' That means shopping isn't the same as it was before we got married because I have to discuss and think more carefully about purchases before I make them.'
-Liz, Chatham, NY

'Suddenly our entire social life is up to me. My husband used to make dinner reservations, but now he acts completely helpless unless I schedule and plan everything.'
-Michelle, New York City

'As a married guy, my diet has become much healthier. My wife is a vegetarian and very health-conscious, and I've come to actually like eating salads and vegetables! I admit I still hit the ice cream and red meat, but much less often.'
-David, New York City

'The thing I never expected from marriage was that I would grow to love my wife more and more each day.'
-Vito, Newton, MA

1. Choose a tablecloth in a pattern or color that complements your tableware; don't limit yourself to the traditional ivory linen. For example, I'm using an African blanket I found at a museum shop, because it matches my china perfectly. Just make sure your cloth hangs straight, 12" over each side of the table.
2. An individual place setting is called a cover. Put your dinner plate in the center of each, with the soup bowl on top (if you're serving that course). And to be sure there's enough elbow and serving room, allow 18" to 20" between every setting.
3. An all-purpose knife, a large dinner fork, a smaller salad or dessert fork, a large soup or dessert spoon and a smaller spoon for coffee or tea comprise the standard American flatware setting. Knives and spoons go to the right of your dinner plate and forks to the left, with the main-course utensils closest to the plate. Flatware for additional courses, such as salad or dessert, is placed on the outside. Pieces of silver should be placed a half-inch apart, one inch from the table's edge and lined up evenly with the bottom of your plate. The idea is that as the meal progresses, guests will utilize the outside service first and work their way in.
4. Place your water goblet above the tip of the knife and arrange the other stemware to the right in a row. For example, if you are serving both champagne and wine with your meal, place the champagne flute next to the goblet, followed by the wineglasses-red first, then white.
5. Cocktails are not traditionally served at a formal table. However, it's acceptable to break the rules. For instance, if you have a guest who prefers a vodka martini to the pinot grigio, simply remove the unused wineglass and let him enjoy his martini. After all, your most important consideration is the happiness and comfort of your guests.

Table Touches

- Set napkins on top of the dinner plate, to the left of the fork or decoratively in the water goblet-but never underneath the silver, which should not be touched until it is used.

- Use the best of what you have. If you don't have enough settings of one pattern, alternate them with your everyday china. This also applies to your serving pieces. Be creative and your table will stand out.

- Place cards are an extra touch that alleviate those awkward moments when guests are finding their seats.

Photography: (still life) by Paul Tillinghast, courtesy of Mikasa; (book cover) courtesy of Clarkson Potter.

Q: Your 'Perfect Pieces' line has a tremendous range of products. Where do you find your inspiration?
A: I have always been influenced by the natural textures and strong silhouettes of America's classic farm homes; in particular, I find the shape of the house as a whole and the distinct roofline to be the most interesting aspects. These elements have encouraged me to use similar linear shapes to create clean, functional pieces-everything from end tables and lamp bases to pillows. I wanted them all to feel relaxed and traditional yet fresh and contemporary for the modern couple. I especially love the graphics on the throw pillows. They are a great way to add interest and color to a room inexpensively and almost effortlessly.

Q: What advice do you have for couples embarking on the sometimes overwhelming registry process?
A: Above all, be sure to address what you need for your entire home. Many couples make the mistake of registering for china and kitchen appliances only. Consider each room in your home individually, and figure out what is aesthetically pleasing to the two of you. Then register for those items that will help you achieve that look. Simplicity of space and light have always been key to my point of view, and usually I find that the introduction of one or two new components can dramatically change a room. Ideally, this should include accents, like art or an interesting mirror to hang on your walls or a gorgeous tabletop object for your entryway.

Q: What is your favorite wedding gift to give to family and friends?
A: I always like to give a beautiful, vibrant vase. My hope is that this will encourage the couple to keep fresh flowers, especially those found locally or seasonally, in the house on a daily basis. Even without a bouquet, though, a lovely vase is a great touch and adds a splash of color to any room.

TIMELESS TOKENS From the Victorial Hagan Perfect Pieces collection for Target, Joanna pillows, Claudia vase, Belle bookends and Jackson side table (left); Jackson book table, Amy table lamp and Chloe embroidered pillow (middle); and Marianne lamp, Flower Head framed wall art and ceramic white dove (right). For more information, visit Target.com. Photography: Courtesy of Target.

Victoria's Secrets

• Choose neutral colors and styles for items like your couch and tables. Use accessories to add personality. It's much easier and less expensive to switch lampshades or add throw pillows to the sofa than it is to bring in new furniture every time you want a different look.
• To freshen up a room, add a plant, votives or
  a centerpiece bowl, arranged with seasonal fruit, to your tables. These small additions make nice focal points at little cost or commitment.
• Think of your living space as a blank canvas and fill it with colors, styles and accessories that you both agree on. Cream and white create a great base palette that can be easily updated as your taste changes.

Q: So even though yours is a line of beautiful, fine china, you don't believe it should be saved solely for special occasions. Why is that?
A: Every day should be a special occasion at the table. With the hectic lives we all tend to lead, dining is a chance to spend quality time with loved ones. Whether you're having an intimate dinner with your fiance or a buffet for ten girlfriends, use the best of what you have and really enjoy it. Setting the table with fine china also gives couples an opportunity to explore their sense of style on a daily basis. You can accessorize your pattern in a number of different ways-with color or even with dishes you already own.

Q: You have said that certain women are your silent muses. How have they influenced your Nancy and Elsie lines?
A: Both women, Nancy Lancaster and Elsie de Wolfe, were celebrated interior designers who had a love of home and entertaining. And I have always been drawn to strong women with whom I've studied, and whose work, energy and philosophy have inspired me. The green-toned and bamboo trellis patterns, specifically, were a natural fit for both women: Elsie had beautiful trellises in her garden at her villa in Versailles, France, and Nancy was an avid gardener. As a child, my maternal grandmother was a tremendous influence on my style of decorating and entertaining. I admired the ease with which she could host a gathering of 40 guests and her confidence about mixing and playing with patterns, accessories and color on her table.

EASY ELEGANCE From Charlotte Moss's dinnerware collection for Pickard, butter, salad and dinner plates, plus tea cups and saucers in Elsie, left, and Nancy, right. For more information on this collection and where to buy, please visit charlottemoss.com or pickardchina.com.

Q: What should couples keep in mind when choosing items for their registry?
A: Their registry is a rare opportunity to fill their homes with beautiful investment pieces. Too often, couples spend time choosing insignificant items like cookie sheets or egg beaters and don't focus on things of value-china, serving pieces and flatware. Weddings are a wonderful occasion for your friends and family to give you something of significance that is elegant and lasting, and that will remind you of them when you use it.

Q: What is your favorite wedding present for family and friends?
A: I like to choose something special from their registry, like two place settings of china or silver, so that after their honeymoon, they can sit down to a nice dinner together.

Charlotte Says

• Follow a trend only if you can adapt some element of it to your own style. Otherwise, stick to what you know you both love.
• Buy one great investment piece to anchor a room, like a fabulous piece of art or a leather ottoman, and build your design scheme around it. Don't waste money on items you don't love just to fill blank spaces. Hold out until you find what you are looking for.
• Communicate with your spouse. Establish decor priorities. Buy the best value possible-and enjoy the home you have created together.

1. Before going to a store, peruse online retailers to get a sense of the kinds of styles and materials that are available. Armed with research, you'll feel more confident when shopping.
2. The frame of the sofa should be strong, preferably made of kiln-dried hardwood, such as oak, maple, birch or alder. These woods last because they are pliable, taking wear and tear extremely well. Other sturdy options include two types of plywood, hardwood and softwood, and steel. The sofa's corners should be reinforced with wooden blocks, which provide additional support.
3. Inquire about spring count; the more springs, the cushier the couch. It will cost more, but you will be paying for quality and durability. Also, look for hand-tied springs as opposed to machine-attached springs, as the former are stronger and tend to stay in place better.
4. All cushion fillings, like foam, down, polyester, fiber, cotton or a combination of these, are comfortable. To see how a couch feels, sit on it without adding any extra throw pillows.
5. Linen, cotton, wool and silk are all popular natural upholstery options. New synthetic materials are also good choices: They are durable and stain resistant. Avoid a sofa that uses staples to attach fabric; these will loosen eventually. Hot glue is a much better option.
6. Above all, conduct a thorough test. Sit on the sofa, shake it, lie down on it, look underneath it. Remember: A good one should last at least 8 to 10 years.

The Lingo

• Synthetic fabrics: manmade upholstery materials like rayon, nylon or polyester
• Softwood: wood from trees like pine or cedar
• Hardwood: wood from trees like oak, cherry and maple
• Blocks: pieces of wood glued to the frame at various stress points to add strength

Hot Tip: To make sure a couch will fit through the door, measure doorways and elevators. Find out if it can be disassembled; inquire about return policy just in case.

Photography: (Portrait and book cover) Courtesy of Jennifer litwin; (still life) courtesy of C.R. Laine.

Photography: Alexandra Grablewski.

Q: In creating your line with Reed & Barton, what qualities were most important to you?
A: I am a collector at heart and wanted to produce quality products that might be passed down through generations of a family. I reinterpreted classic motifs, juxtaposing them against more modern elements. Most importantly, while each line has its own style, every pattern and its accessories may be mixed and matched, so that a couple can create a table that is uniquely their own.

Q: Tell us about your four dinnerware collections and what makes them special.
A: In the design process, I strive to blend traditional and modern, masculine and feminine and casual and elegant. Each of my lines-Marielle, Tiago, Tilden Lace and Elissa-reflect these qualities differently. Tiago is inspired by my collection of 1940s and 50s Russell Wright dinnerware; it is sleek and modern in shape, yet it has traditionally elegant touches, like light platinum banding to contrast with the rich, dark colors. Elissa is classic bone china with a subtle retro motif of white oval dots on the inner rim. It's classic with a crisp, modern flair.

Q: Your collection has been called fine casual. Can you explain the meaning and how it relates to couples?
A: Nowadays, many couples store their china in a cabinet, pulling it out only for special occasions. I created tableware and accessories that have the sophistication and tradition of your grandmother's china, yet are pieces you could use every day. With my collection, meals don't have to be elegant or casual-they really can be a lovely combination of both.

Q: Your barware line, Darby, is extensive. What was the source of your inspiration?
A: It was definitely my collection of vintage barware that I've amassed over the years. Each piece is substantial in weight, and the deep horizontal and vertical cuts suggest a plaid design. The barware is intended to coordinate with each of the four dinnerware lines, and indeed has features drawn from certain patterns. These subtle similarities allow for a dynamic table that's not too matchy-matchy.

Q: What is your favorite wedding gift to give to friends?
A: I like to choose something from their registry, like a set of wine goblets, and then personalize it with a bottle of wine that I know they enjoy. It's a way to give them a gift you know they want while still adding a special touch of your own.

Gallery

From left: Elissa collection, Tiago dinnerware and flatware, and Tiago and Cynthia accessory pieces, all by Thomas O'Brien for Reed & Barton. For more information, please visit reedandbarton.com or the Aero store; 212-966-1500.

Thomas's Tips

• Create balance by incorporating elements you both like. If your tableware pattern is feminine, use accessories with strong, clean lines.
• If you are overwhelmed by all the options at a store, make a list of what you absolutely don't like. Build off each mutual decision. Before you know it, your registry will be complete.
• Compromise is key! Change one element, like the shape, and the piece will have a completely different feel, even if it has the same pattern.
• Nothing is set in stone. You can always go back to the store or the website and make changes.

­Photography: (still life) courtesy of Reed & Barton; (portrait) courtesy of Laura Resen.

“My sister pouts and whines when I talk about my wedding plans, and it's driving me crazy!”

Believe it or not, your sister may be acting out because she feels sad. This is a tough emotion for some people to express, so jealousy, hurt and anger often serve as a mask. Put yourself in her shoes: What she sees is that “all of a sudden, you are putting your husband-to-be first and your entire family second,” explains Allison Moir-Smith, author of Emotionally Engaged, a Bride's Guide to Surviving the Happiest Time of Her Life (Plume). And if your sister isn't married yet, she could also be feeling a lack of self-confidence and concern about her own life. She may be wondering, “Will this ever happen for me?”

So what should you do? Try a gentle approach. You could say, “You seem unhappy. Is there anything I can do to help?” Hopefully, she'll open up and the two of you will be able to share your feelings. “The jealousy will likely go away if your sister believes she's being heard and that her feelings are important to you,” adds Moir-Smith.

Another tactic: Ask your sister to tackle a significant wedding-planning task, like compiling creative favor ideas. This will make her feel important and included in your life. Just let her decide how much she wants to be involved, warns Moir-Smith. “I've been counseling a woman whose sister is getting married soon, and she doesn't want anything to do with the wedding,” she says. “She's very jealous, and even though she knows she'll regret it later on, it's just too painful for her to be involved right now.” If this is the case with your sister, try to honor it.

“It upsets me that my parents don't like my fiancé.”

If your folks are loving, thoughtful people who have always had your best interests at heart, and they have genuine concerns about the man to whom you expect to commit your life, pay close attention, advises Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California, and the author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page Books). Talk to them. without your fiancé present, of course. about what specifically concerns them. For instance, do they think he's too controlling? That he treats you disrespectfully? That he's violent, immature or unreliable? “Parents are right to worry about a guy with such qualities, and you could save yourself a lot of pain and trouble if you listen to them,” advises Tessina.

Maybe the reason is simpler. Your parents probably had dreams about the kind of man you'd marry, and it's possible your guy doesn't quite fit that picture. If that's the case, be patient; they may simply need time to accept that fact. However, you must also be prepared for the possibility that your folks might never approve of your fiancé. If this happens, you must stand firm. “Say, ‘This is the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, and I need you to respect and honor that. If you can't, there will be distance between us,' ” suggests Moir-Smith.

“Our folks don't get along.”

Of course you want your parents to love his. after all, you're about to become “one big happy family.” But this often takes some doing. First, find out what the problem is (you should each talk to your parents separately). Are class or ethnic disparities fueling disagreements between them? If so, maybe they just need time to become comfortable with their differences. Perhaps there is something about his family's religion that your parents don't understand. or vice versa. In that case, you and your fiancé will need to take it upon yourselves to clarify things for them.

If, however, the problem is purely a clash of personalities, you may be best off just minimizing contact altogether, suggests Moir-Smith. “Don't try to force something that isn't there,” she says. It isn't critical that the in-laws get along. “The only thing that is essential is that they behave well when they need to be together, such as at the wedding and other family functions,” says Tessina. Above all, be careful never to side with either set of parents or tolerate any in-law bashing. Says Tessina, “You're beginning a new family, and you don't want to start it off by participating in soap-opera-like squabbling.”

“My parents are divorced and fight often. I don't know how to make them behave on the big day.”

Hopefully, yours are the kind of parents who will put your needs ahead of theirs. at least for your wedding day. Even so, it may be worth reminding them that they have a responsibility to “be civil and gracious toward each other for the few hours of your ceremony and reception,” says Tessina. Also, pay close attention to the seating arrangements: At the ceremony, seat the parent with whom you are closest (plus his or her new spouse, if there is one) in the first row and the other in the second. At the reception, put them at tables with their own relatives, equidistant from the head table. And be sure to acknowledge them both in any toasts you give at the reception, so they never think one is getting preference over the other, she says.

Another option is to allow them to make the call on the seating, says Moir-Smith. “Ask each of your parents, ‘How can we make you most comfortable at the reception? Do you want to be across the room from each other or do you think you would be okay at the same table?' ” she suggests. It makes sense to raise this issue well before the big day so your parents have plenty of time to adjust to the plan and to voice any objections before it's too late. Then, once they've come to their decision, you can focus on the good stuff: enjoying every minute of your special day.

Of course you want your wedding to be fairy-tale perfect. But that's just the first day of the rest of your life as a couple. What you really want is to live, well, happily ever after. Here, couples talk about how to stay wedding-day happy in all the years to come.

Married less than 5 years

'Have regular 'marriage meetings' once a month or so, or more often if you need to. In our meetings, my husband and I talk about anything that's bothering us. This allows us to vent without anger, since the whole point of setting aside the time is to raise problems (or potential ones) and solve them sooner rather than later.'
-Alison Chi, married 21/2 years

'The most important thing my husband and I do to keep sex and romance alive in our relationship is to schedule special dinner and movie dates a few times every month. (We do it even if we feel tired!) We arrange to have a sitter watch our children, and we plan an afternoon or evening just for the two of us.'
-Molly Castelloe Fong, married 3 years

'We do things as a couple to stay connected, like take bike rides on the weekends, run races together and read books to each other in bed. We went through all the Harry Potter books that way! All this keeps our romance on the front burner.'
-Mollie Bridgeman, married 2 years

'Surprise him now and then. Tell him that the two of you are going out with friends, then take him out alone for a romantic dinner.'
-Ranella Hirsch, married 3 years

'It's important to have realistic expectations of marriage and remember that in the story of Cinderella, the ending comes right after the 'I Do' part. The special feeling you get at the beginning does fade, but it turns into a more real, comfortable and accepting love. If this happens, it's natural and doesn't mean something's wrong with your relationship. Enjoy it!'
-Leanne Scarella, married 2 years

'We will sometimes arrange to take a trip to a location that neither of us has been to before, and we do it without making any hotel reservations or specific plans. Once we get there, we decide what we want to do. That way we create little adventures for ourselves, and it's fun to figure it all out together.'
-Dave Wolkowitz, married 4 years

'Put each other first. My husband and I make it clear to each other that our marriage is the number one priority. For example, my husband's in business school and I'm pregnant with our first child. Although he's had to rearrange his internship schedule, he's managed to be with me at every doctor's visit, childbirth class, maternity-ward tour and baby-registry outing. I wouldn't mind going by myself or with my mom or my sister, but the fact that he insists on going tells me that I am number one to him. I really believe there's nothing more romantic than that!'
-Beverly O'Neal, married 3 years

Married 5 to 10 years

'We say, 'I love you' to each other every day, at least once, but usually more often. It's an easy thing to take for granted, but the actual saying of it is a reminder and a sort of mantra to keep the focus on your commitment and your partner. Plus, I feel good that my husband knows how I feel before he goes to work in the morning and before he goes to sleep at night.'
-Kate Bieber, married 6 years

'Don't lose your sense of fun and adventure in the sex department. After five years of marriage, we still look for new places and new positions. The frequency that you have sex will decrease over the years, but the quality doesn't have to. In fact, sex gets better when you're more comfortable with a person, because you're able to tell him what you like or don't like. Also, don't underestimate how great it is simply to cuddle in bed. And touch is so important. My husband and I still hold hands when we're riding in the car or sitting across from each other in a restaurant.'
-Robin Wood, married 5 years

'We have a rule about no TV or computers in the bedroom. We have kids and both of us work full-time, which means we are together only a few hours each night. In that time we don't want to be distracted. This idea isn't innovative, but it has really helped us be a good couple.'
-Kelly Baek, married 6 years

'Use your words! Don't waste time pointing and blaming. Get to the issue and work it out. When one of you is wrong, he or she should say, 'I'm sorry.' And always say, 'Thank you,' even for the little things, especially if he puts his dirty underwear into the hamper. Every person in the whole world wants appreciation, and no one gets enough of it.'
-Lee Murrow, married 6 years

'Once a month, you should treat yourselves to a lovely dinner or night out. When you get dressed up with a little perfume, cologne, a fresh shave and so on, you both feel more sexy and alive.'
-Marianne Bender, married 5 years

'Pursue your separate interests. Whether that means having regular lunch dates with your gal pals, going to the gym a few times a week or reading for 30 minutes every night, you will be a happier person and have more to talk about with your spouse when you are together. Friday nights, I go to yoga and my husband goes out with the guys, but when we get home that night we feel good and really enjoy sharing with each other what we did.'
-Annabella Gualdoni, married 5 years

Married 11 to 15 years

'After your first child is born, resolve not to make any judgments about your marriage for one year. Not only are you sleep deprived, but it's difficult to adjust to your new lives as parents, not just spouses. People will tell you that it's the best time of your life, but it can be tough and it's helpful to keep in mind that it is OK to struggle or experience growing pains. The good news is, it gets much better once you get used to your new roles as parents and the ways children change your relationship.'
-Liz Price, married 12 years

'My husband and I e-mail each other with goofy things we find online, poems or quotes. It helps keep us connected, especially on days when the time zips by and we don't end up seeing much of each other.'
-Andrea Messina, married 13 years

'Don't compare yourself to your girlfriends who are discussing how many times they 'do it' each week. Part of keeping the intimacy in your marriage is remembering the word 'intimacy.' It's your business. (Plus, your friends are probably exaggerating.) Meanwhile, keep the intimacy alive with sex, romance, communication, sharing, laughing, tickle fights, favorite movies and favorite desserts.'
-Vicki Stern Brown, married 15 years

Over 15 years

'My husband and I love to experience new things together, whether it's a trip to the Galapagos Islands or a new restaurant in the San Francisco Mission District. And above all, we share a sense of humor-my husband always makes me laugh.'
-Katie Rodan, married 23 years

'Fearing the empty nest syndrome, we've made an effort to plan little field trips, hikes, museum visits or any other outings that are easy and that we can do together. We also treat each other to random surprise gifts. My husband sends me flowers for no reason, and I whip up new recipes that are interesting, healthy and different.'
-Sharon House, married 37 years

'My wife and I want our relationship to be about 'yes.' Yes, we can go to the movies. Yes, we can plan a cool vacation. Yes, I can clean up the yard. Yes, I can give you a back rub. Of course, there are times when 'no' is a necessary answer, but we're always thinking about how to get back to 'yes.''
-Neil Chethik, married 20 years

'Men: When your wife wants to talk, turn off the TV, put down the newspaper, stop surfing the Net and listen. Show her that you are paying attention to her. It's that simple. And under no circumstances should you propose solutions to her problems-unless she specifically asks you to.'
-Jim Carper, married 22 years

Love Docs' Rx for a Happy Marriage

Don't Fight to Win. 'Make yourself happy rather than right. Being right and being successful, particularly in the setting of relationships, are not even close to the same thing. Your goal should be to make you and your partner happy by doing what works rather than working so hard at showing your partner how you are right and how he or she is wrong.' -Dr. Phil McGraw, Ph.D., author of Relationship Rescue (Hyperion Books)

Pucker up often. 'Many married couples stop kissing when they become too familiar with each other, but this is the first step to a diminishing sex life. Kissing is the most intimate connection between two people and it not only keeps your sex life alive, but also keeps your relationship alive.' -Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love (Peters Publishing)

Make Your Needs Known. 'Your partner can't read your mind; he or she can't guess what your needs are. The only chance your partner will ever have of connecting with you and responding to your needs depends on teaching your partner what really makes you tick.' -Dr. Phil

Talk about sex. 'The best sex begins outside the bedroom with an intimate conversation. By talking to each other, you reduce your anxiety about what your partner wants and add excitement to your love life. Start talking at a time when you're relaxed (not after work or when you're hungry). The car is a great place because you're together, but you don't have to look each other in the eye if you feel embarrassed.' -Linda DeVillers, Ph.D., author of Love Skills: A Fun Upbeat Guide To Sexcessful Relationships (Impact)

Forgive. 'It's not so much what happens between partners that determines the outcome of a relationship, as it is how they handle what happens. If you and your partner have a forgiving spirit, and allow each other some measure of grace when one or the other of you seeks to reduce hostilities, your future will be bright.' -Dr. Phil

1. Downplay size by drawing attention to the room's strongest qualities. Does the window have a stunning view? Draw the eye to it by using lightweight drapery that frames the outdoor scene. If a rug is hiding a beautiful hardwood floor, pull it up and show off the floor's natural beauty.

2. Lighten up! Soft shades reflect light better and expand the space from wall to wall; dark colors tend to shrink it. For optimal results, use no more than three paint colors in a room and stick to the same palette. To make your ceiling appear higher, paint the molding white to draw the eye upward. And, yes, white counts as one color!

3. Place a mirror either above the fireplace, to add the illusion of depth, or across from a window, to bring the outdoors in. Choose the style of mirror based on the theme of the room; for example, an unframed mirror would fit nicely into a modern setting.

4. Furniture with clean, simple lines works best in a small space. Place items on the wall farthest from the door, leaving the center of the room open, and position your sofa at a slight angle to the wall to create a sense of depth behind it.

5. Choose furniture that is multifunctional: A Murphy bed folds back into the wall; a trunk can serve as a cocktail table and storage. An armoire will store your television, music system and DVD collection.

6. Never obstruct a window with furniture or heavy drapery. Instead, frame it with soft treatments, in cotton or silk perhaps, in the same color palette as the walls. The fabric should be long enough to extend above the windows so they seem larger. For privacy, mount shades that can be rolled down when needed.

7. Learn to unclutter! Unnecessary pieces take up valuable space, so if you don't love it, toss or donate it to a local charity. It may be hard at first, but you won't regret it later.

Hot Tip: If you love a certain color, go for it-but choose the lightest shade in that palette. This makes the walls appear farther away.

Photography: Courtesy of Stephanie Cohen.

The Big Day is over, and you and your new husband head up to your hotel suite for a romantic champagne toast, followed by an amazing romp in bed. Well, anyway, that's what happens in Hollywood films. Since real life is often not so picture perfect, we asked some recent newlyweds to share what really happened.

“Before the wedding, my husband and I had separate hotel rooms, but we were planning to stay in my room on our wedding night. So after everything was over, I went upstairs, changed into my lingerie, filled two glasses with champagne and waited for my new husband. But he never came! It turns out I'd forgotten to give him a room key. And I was so tired after the long night that I fell completely asleep and didn't hear either my cellphone or room phone. He waited for 30 minutes in his room and spent another 30 minutes begging the hotel staff to let him into mine. To verify that he was who he said he was, a hotel employee had to come in with him. And there I was, asleep in a chair, wearing my lingerie and still holding onto a full glass of champagne.”
. Bobbi, Richmond VA

“Right after the wedding we went up to our hotel room with a whole bunch of friends and relatives. My sister had gotten us a karaoke machine, so we sang with everyone until 4 a.m.. with me still in my wedding dress, eating chips and drinking wine. It was the best night of my life.”
. Nancy, New York City

“We got married in the morning on a beach in St. John in the U.S.V.I. After the wedding brunch, we all went for a sailboat ride. We had lots more planned, but I was so exhausted that when we returned from the ride, I passed out in a beach chair for the rest of the afternoon. That night, we went out to dinner and I could barely keep my eyes open. Needless to say, I went straight to sleep!”
. Mollie, San Francisco

“By the time we checked into the Ritz-Carlton hotel after the reception, it was very late. We stopped on the concierge level, which had a lounge that offers evening treats. I wanted chocolate-covered strawberries, but since it was sooooo late, the lounge was closed. Despite this, John begged the hotel staff to put together a huge platter of sweets. It was awesome!”
. Vicki, Atlanta, GA

“On our wedding night, we were back at our hotel room by 10 p.m. We hung out with friends in our suite until no one could keep their eyes open anymore. except me! I was far too excited to sleep, but my new husband had no problem at all passing out while I just stared at the ceiling for hours, going over the day. I bet most people have pretty low-key wedding nights and save the wild stuff for the honeymoon.”
. Dori, New York City

“My wife and I were so engrossed with the wedding that we never had a chance to eat. Our caterer gave us doggie bags. When we got back to our hotel room around midnight, all we could think about was food. But when we opened our bags, everything was cold and there were no utensils. We didn't care; we sat on our bed shoveling handfuls of rice, asparagus, fish and fowl into our mouths. When we finally got between the sheets, there was rice pilaf everywhere.”
. Neil, Lexington, KY

“I drank a little too much at my wedding. When I was getting undressed, I broke the baby pearl bracelet that a friend had lent me. I was so upset at myself that there was no ‘consummation of the marriage.' Worse, I woke up the next day, very hung over.”
. Vikki, Mill Valley, CA

“I was so tired after our wedding that I went to our room, took off my wedding dress and fell asleep. We both woke up starving in the middle of the night, so we drove to a 24-hour convenience store and loaded up on snacks.”
. Theresa, Reading, PA

“I woke up, went to the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I was totally surprised to see that a small pillow was attached to my head as if it was glued there. I realized I'd forgotten to take out the hundred or so bobby pins in my hair, and some of them had gotten hooked on the pillow.”
. Jessica, Oakland, CA

“We planned to spend our wedding night at a hotel and to fly to Hawaii the next day. We'd barely eaten at our wedding, so we ordered pasta from room service. My husband got so ill he had to go to a hospital emergency room with what turned out to be an allergic reaction to the shellfish in the pasta. It goes without saying, we missed our flight to Hawaii.”
. Susan, Madison, WI

“I wanted to make sure our room would look completely different from the one in which I'd had my hair and makeup done earlier in the day (when I was still single!). So I asked my wedding planner to add vases of flowers and scented candles, dim the lights, put on music and put some small snacks on a tray on the bed. My husband loved it!”
. Patricia, Boston, MA

Experts Weigh In

From Janet Dunnington, owner of CEO Weddings & Events in Vermont:
“Cover your wedding bed in petals that are the same color as your bridal flowers. If you're having a winter wedding, plan to have a fire crackling in the fireplace when you get up to your room. Then place throw pillows on the floor and sip champagne together. It's great to surprise your partner by arranging to have food and drinks waiting in your room. One bride loved chocolate-chip cookies, so I made sure a homemade batch was there on a platter for her.”

From Xochitl Gonzalez of Always a Bridesmaid Wedding Consulting & Event Design, New York City:
“Be sure to spring for a hotel suite. I know it sounds obvious, but since so many couples live together today, they may decide just to head home and save some money. Don't! You should go someplace special, if only to remind yourselves that this is your first night together MARRIED! Also, don't forget the lingerie. Your moms and grandmas wore bridal peignoirs. the nightgowns that girls received for their wedding nights and honeymoons. It's an old tradition, but it's nice to have something new and sexy (not necessarily a nightgown!) to sleep in.”

By the time you arrive at the party, however, you find that your heart is racing, your palms glistening with sweat. You're baffled: 'This is supposed to be my moment,' you tell yourself. 'Why am I so tense?'

And then it hits you like a ton of toaster ovens: You have stage fright! And if you have the jitters now, how on earth will you make it through the actual wedding?

The Spotlight's on You

Add to that the fact that all eyes are typically on the bride and it's no wonder that even the most confident, laid-back women find themselves anxious about stepping into the spotlight. Take Melissa Popkin, a litigator from Edgewater, New Jersey, who had nightmares for three months leading up to her wedding. 'It would be time to walk down the aisle and my hair and makeup weren't done,' she recalls. 'Or I couldn't find my dress. The idea of being the center of attention was so overwhelming, I became consumed with the notion that something would go wrong.'

The fear of catastrophe. the band leader will quit, the flowers will wilt. is common among brides-to-be. One way to combat it, says Barbanel, is to begin projecting authority from the moment you get engaged. 'The more involved you are in the wedding planning, the more in control you'll feel,' she explains. 'If you take an active role from the start. making decisions about the menu, music, and invitations. by the time you walk down the aisle, you'll have so much experience behind you that you'll feel prepared for anything.' (As a backup, designate a troubleshooter. a sister, brother, or close friend with a calm disposition. who can intercept and deal with any problems that arise on the wedding day.)

Another good long-range plan is to start an exercise program to zap stress during the planning process. Yoga is also effective: It can help you learn to center yourself through deep breathing exercises. 'You have to practice de-stressing techniques when you're not anxious so that you can apply them when you are,' advises yoga instructor Rachel Schaeffer, author of Yoga For Your Spiritual Muscles (Quest Books, 1998). Her book includes programs designed for confidence, peace, energy, and connectedness. with your mate, that is!

In Melissa's case, a relaxed start to her big day cemented a sense of aplomb that stayed with her throughout the event. She woke early and went for a long run to clear her head. Then she took a bubble bath by candlelight, using the time alone to mellow out and think positive thoughts. 'I pictured myself dealing gracefully with every possible crisis,' she says. 'After that, I felt peaceful.'

Walking the Walk

Tracy's reaction is not unfounded. after all, that walk is your big debut in front of both groom and guests, a scary prospect that can unnerve even the most self-assured and poised women. To assuage fear, Audrey Kardon, an etiquette coach in Palm Beach, Florida, suggests practicing the bridal walk several times during your rehearsal. 'The more you practice,' she says, 'the more confident you'll be.'

Even just visualizing the walk can be calming. With the coaching of a therapist who helped her imagine herself walking down the aisle while remaining relaxed, Tracy boosted her courage. These mental rehearsals also helped her realize that her fiancé's presence at the altar made her feel 'safe.' She decided to concentrate on him during the first few minutes to help alleviate some of her fears.

The opposite strategy proved successful for Mindy Holender, a stay-at-home mom in Philadelphia. For her, scanning the crowd loosened her up. 'When the church doors opened I was so nervous that everything was a blur,' she recalls. Nonplused, the bride took a deep breath and focused on guests' smiling faces. 'Once I connected with them and absorbed all the emotion in the room,' she says, 'I felt less like I was on display.' And don't forget the person walking with you down the aisle! Glancing at your dad (or whomever) and squeezing his arm can provide enormous mental. and physical. support.

Luckily, experts say it's not unusual for a serene calm to envelop the bride as she takes her first few steps. It happened to Tracy, who was cool as a rock star when she floated down the aisle at her outdoor wedding last fall, despite the fact that it was raining and the best man forgot the rings. If you don't begin to relax a few bars into 'Here Comes the Bride,' there are ways to project an assured image nonetheless. Walk tall! Hold your head high, don't slump or fidget, and smile. Or, think about a special moment. say, the instant you knew you were madly, deeply in love. right before you begin your march. You'll start to relax in spite of yourself.

And don't forget: You're inviting guests to share this very special moment with you. Embrace their joy at your wedding instead of being daunted by your demons. It is, after all, one of the biggest days of your life. But then, you knew that already.

Buy the Book: Order Yoga For Your Spiritual Muscles by Rachel Schaeffer (Quest Books, 1998) from Amazon.com.

Reconciling who you want to include in your bridal party with who you're expected, requested, or even told to include can seem like an ordeal. With friends and family anticipating or assuming they'll be asked, it's easy to get confused and resentful. After all, this is supposed to be your day, your way, right? Relax. Choosing your attendants needn't be a nightmare. Prioritizing what's important is the key to arriving at a list that pleases everyone-even you.

Choices, Choices

Start by writing your wish list of attendants. Next, add your fiance's picks, and those who would make political sense (your brother's wife to make him happy, for example). See if there are natural groupings that would make choosing easier: all sisters, all school friends, just one sister and one friend, etc. If your list is still unwieldy, consider the following to help you eliminate people or decide their role.

First, think about their responsibilities. The maid/matron of honor is generally the bride's right-hand woman before and on the day of the wedding. Her main duties include planning the bridal shower and helping the bride select her gown and address invitations. The bridesmaids assist the maid/matron of honor and bride. All typically pay for their own dresses and travel expenses.

Second, evaluate your needs and expectations. Is this a gala affair with many details you'll need help coordinating, or a small, no-fuss ceremony? Are you the type of person who surrounds herself with friends and needs a sounding board for every decision, or do you have only one or two close confidantes?

Do you expect your attendants to devote a significant amount of time and money to your wedding? Would you feel comforted knowing that all of your bridesmaids lived in town, mere minutes away for minor emergencies? If someone says she can't afford to participate, can you make up the difference (and not take it personally)? Be honest with yourself: Are your expectations reasonable? Will you get mad if someone can't help out as much as you'd like due to her work or family commitments?

Third, factor in the lifestyle and current situation of those you intend to ask, and how it meshes or clashes with their responsibilities and your needs. For example, what if your sister lives in Alaska and your best friend just lost her job, or if another friend is so swamped with work or a new baby that she barely squeezes in a phone call, much less time to plan a bridal bash. All these circumstances impact a potential maid's ability to do the best job possible. That said, even if someone can't be there physically, she may still provide valuable moral support. So decide what's most important to you.

Popping the Question

If there's someone you want to ask but are concerned she'll feel pressured by time or money constraints, create a scenario in which each of you would feel comfortable backing out gracefully, suggests Danielle Claro, author of How to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) (The Berkley Publishing Group, 1995). Let her know she's one of your top choices but you understand if she has other commitments that make it difficult for her to take part. If you're willing to cover expenses, ask her how she feels about that. If she knows how important she is to you, she'll probably feel flattered, not insulted.

If you expected a friend to say yes and she doesn't, don't be offended. Chances are it's no reflection on you. Your friend is simply doing you the favor of being upfront and honest about the time and money she wants to devote to your event, an occasion she respects enough not to ruin. "It's important to keep perspective," advises Claro. "Your wedding may not be the center of everyone else's year. So try not to let it come as a shock if you get turned down."

If someone does accept and later seems unhappy with her decision, try to determine what's really going on. Lynda, 21, a bookkeeper in White Plains, New York, was surprised when her friend Kathy suddenly began complaining about her bridesmaid dress. "I had to dig to get at what was really wrong," says Lynda. "It turns out that Kathy was afraid of standing up in front of a group. I let her off the hook by asking whether she'd enjoy the day more as a guest. She said yes and we were both relieved."

Blood Ties

Even if you can enforce your will and leave out a family member who expected to be included, consider the effect your stubbornness will have on family harmony. "If you deliberately leave out someone your parents or in-laws want included, you may be making a bigger statement than you intended," notes Claro. Their conspicuous absence is a visible declaration of your rejection. When it comes down to it, would including this person really ruin your wedding day? Or will the repercussions of leaving her out sully family relationships for years to come?

Shortly after we married three years ago, my husband, Robert, and I set off on a very important outing: to the bank. We had merged our books, our dishes and our furniture, not to mention our lives. Now, we were ready to merge our money. After some discussion, we decided to create joint savings and checking accounts, into which both our salaries would be deposited and from which all our bills would be paid, and put both our names on our investment accounts. Why? Because it made sense for us. We share similar spending habits, long- and short-term financial goals and ideas about money in general.

Our decision was right for us, but it's not for everyone. Some couples may choose to keep their money entirely separate; others will merge some funds, like a joint savings account from which they pay household bills, and keep everything else status quo. Which option is right for you? Read on.

What's Ours Is Ours: Merging Your Money

"We really didn't have a lot to begin with, and we do everything together and share everything. Plus, having separate accounts would make us feel like we were keeping secrets."

That's not to say that merging your money is just for starting-out pairs. "To couples who've been together for a long time and have already shared so much-a sexual relationship, a home-merging their money represents the last frontier of joining their lives," says Alisa Cohn, CPA, MBA, a business and financial coach in Brookline, Massachusetts.

From a bookkeeping standpoint, merging your accounts is also the simplest option, says Cohn. You have just one checkbook to balance, one set of statements to track. But the merging option also carries emotional benefits. "Combining your accounts makes you feel more 'married,' " says Cohn.

But an all-for-one, one-for-all approach can have a downside, too. Money is power, and if just one of you is in control of your shared money, this might leave the other in the dark. To keep that from happening, be sure the person "in charge" of the money is only in control of the bookkeeping, not the actual spending and saving decisions, which should be joint. And remember that circumstances usually change over the course of a marriage-one of you may stop working when a child is born, for example-so you must always acknowledge your separate contributions to the marriage, no matter who contributes what. "Otherwise, resentment can set in," says Cohn.

Making It Work

• Designate a bookkeeper. You'll probably find that one of you emerges as a natural for the job, notes Cohn.
• Have frequent money check-ins. The spouse on bookkeeping duty may be more agile with the calculator, but he or she should not be autocratic or secretive; you both should have at least basic knowledge of the money details, like where everything is kept and roughly how much is there.
• Even if you pool your cash, one spouse should not have to "ask" the other for money. Handle this however it suits you best-perhaps you can each withdraw a certain amount of pocket money per week.

Yours and Mine: Keeping Your Cash Separate

A potential downside of keeping money separate however, "means that everything you do or buy together, from groceries to rent to long-term savings, may end up being a negotiation," says Kleiner. It also opens the door to secrecy, like hiding a raise or bonus. "Privacy in a marriage is a good thing, but secrecy is a slippery slope," says Kleiner.

Making It Work

• Know each other's spending and saving habits; your partner's money may be separate from yours, but it should not be a mystery.
• Establish a bill-paying system. If you make unequal salaries and want to avoid issues of power and control, you can each contribute the same percentage of your salary to cover common expenses, says Cohn. Or, you can decide who pays what bills (he gets electric, you get cable, and so on).
• Decide how you'll handle expenses beyond regular outings, like vacations, buying a car or saving for your children's education. One solution: He puts $100 a month into an account for vacations and emergency purchases; you put the same amount into your future children's college savings accounts.

Yours, Mine and Ours: A Combo Approach

Marianne Greene*, 30, and her husband opened a joint bank account even before they wed in May 2000, with the intention of saving for a house. Three years later, they still contribute portions of their paychecks to a shared account for future big expenses. Yet their everyday accounts remain separate-a half-and-half system, says Marianne, who lives in Stratford, Connecticut. "We divide our monthly bills and pay them from our individual accounts," she says. "We did this so we wouldn't feel accountable to each other for every expense-say, if I bought a sweater or he bought a new electronic gadget. Also, I never carry a credit-card balance, while he always has. It's not an outrageous sum, but it's enough where I'd be upset if I was watching it drain 'our' money."

This practical combo approach-some shared accounts, some separate-is a good bet for the broadest range of couples. "You enjoy the same 'we're in this together' feeling that merging your money offers, yet you also retain a feeling of autonomy," says Kleiner. Also, this way, the burden of handling the finances is not placed on just one person, which often leaves the other partner feeling left out. Plus, the plan is flexible enough that you can always change the rules-like merge more of your assets-down the road.

Making It Work

• Settle on a system that works for both of you. You could, for example, agree to each keep 10% of your income in personal accounts and put the remainder into your shared pot. That individual money is yours to manage as you please.
• Share information. Your separate accounts may be "yours," but the two of you still need to practice good financial communication. Have weekly or monthly money sit-downs. Even though all your funds aren't shared, your goals should be.
• Don't be rigid. Circumstances change. If one of you falls behind due to a job loss, for instance, don't "dock" your spouse.

*Name has been changed.

• Just got engaged? Let him help spread the good news. Divvy up your list so he can call his family and friends.
• Is he creative? Ask him to design an engagement announcement card online to be sent out to family and friends.

  Here are some ways that men have pitched in with wedding planning: “My husband helped me with the seating arrangements for thereception. this was a good task for him because he could visualize them,and I couldn't.” . Suzan Kerner. Wedding: August 2002. “Since we combined Jewish and Greek customs, my husband was incharge of finding the stefania (traditional Greek crowns) that wereplaced on our heads during the ceremony. He was also involved inchoosing the band and making sure they could find a bouzouki (a Greekstringed instrument player), so we could have Greek music anddancing.” . Marci Goldstein. Wedding: November 2004. “My husband did one thing. kept my mother-in-law out of our plans!” . Jill Rosenthal. Wedding: August 2002. “The most gratifying part of the wedding planning for me was when Igot our photographer to agree to throw in digital photos for free.” . Rob Coviello. Wedding: May 2003. “For our upcoming wedding, I got my fiancé involved in the food. Ialso schedule time to discuss the wedding. This way, I resist the urgeto harass him with wedding issues, and I have his full attention whenwe do sit down to talk.” . Tamar Ben-Moshe. Wedding: January 2007.

• If he never failed a math test, managing the wedding budget is the perfect task for him. 'Simply put, the man likes to be in charge of the money,' says Samantha Goldberg, owner of Gold Events, in Bridgewater, NJ. Software programs, like Quicken, and wedding-planning programs that include a budget tool might make this task even more appealing to him.
• Does he have negotiating skills? Ask him to work out the prices with vendors, and see what kinds of 'extras' he can manage to get included in your packages.
• In wedding planning, no task is unimportant. Have him take charge of tipping the vendors. Suggest that he create the tip envelopes to hand out at the reception.
• Nowadays many couples write their own wedding vows. Bring out his romantic side by asking him to express his thoughts. Collaborate on writing the vows, or ask him to research any special readings that the two of you would like to include.
• If carpentry is one of his skills, put him to work (and save money!). Goldberg worked with a groom who built a plywood canopy for his ceremony, which was then covered with orange-and-fuchsia organza fabric.
• Remember those exciting nights out on the town when you first started dating? Have him research bands and DJs, and arrange for the two of you to go out on 'dates' to take notes and compare. Once you choose your musicians, he should take charge of providing them with a list of the tunes you both want to hear (and don't want to hear).
• If you've decided to set up your iPod and speakers at the reception, have him create the playlist and enlist a willing tech-savvy guest to help out with the process.
• Ask him to work with your photographer and videographer. “Men want to make sure they won't have to pose for too many photos, and they don't want the photographer to be invasive of their space,” says Goldberg. Your groom can lay out your mutually agreed-upon rules with your professional.
• “The wine and bar menu for the wedding reception is a very big deal for a lot of grooms,” says Sharon Naylor, author of 1000 Best Secrets for Your Perfect Wedding (Sourcebooks). Suggest he throw a wine-tasting party for a group of friends to test out different wines. “Grooms also love getting behind the bar and making up their own drinks,” adds Goldberg.
• If your guy's a “foodie,” let him determine the menu, suggest Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski, authors of The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams (New World Library). Even if he isn't an expert, be sure he accompanies you on your taste-sampling visits to caterers, adds Naylor.
• What groom wouldn't jump at the chance to pick the big-day transportation? “Exotic car rentals are huge right now,” says Naylor. “The Rolls-Royce, the Bentley, the Lotus Esprit, the Hummer stretch limousines. guys get to test-drive all these exotic cars.”
• Is he a secret fashionista? Have him enjoy choosing his own big-day ensemble, whether it's a linen tux for a beach wedding or a black tux paired with a colorful vest for a more formal affair. Ask him to help you play matchmaker and create seating arrangements for your reception tables. “Matching personalities can be fun and exciting for the couple to do together,” says Goldberg.
• These days, people register for all kinds of nontraditional wedding presents. He can take care of signing up for a flat-screen TV, a DVD player or even a computer.
• “A lot more grooms are taking charge of the diplomatic issues that come up between all the people involved in the wedding planning,” says Naylor. Does he have the skills to mediate between you and your respective families if disagreements arise and discussions heat up? If so, then by all means let him be the official peacekeeper!
• If you're worried about the best man's (or anyone's) toast, ask your fiancé to have a heart-to-heart talk with them about your concerns, suggests Sherven. Nervous about his Uncle Bob's tendency to party a bit too hearty? Let your groom know about your concerns beforehand, so that he can handle any situation that might arise (it's always better to be safe than sorry!).
• Make him the unofficial tour guide for your out-of-town guests. Ask him to create a list of sightseeing spots, restaurants and bars in your area so your guests can enjoy your wedding location.
• “More and more men want to take dance lessons because they don't want to make a fool out of themselves during the first dance,” says Naylor. Have him research local instructors and studios.
• Ask him to put on a show to wow your guests by creating a PowerPoint presentation that includes childhood photos of each of you, as well as ones that document your dating relationship and your courtship. This is a surefire crowd-pleaser!
• In regular “wedding update” meetings, get his input on decisions. As time goes on and the big day gets closer, he'll become more and more involved with the details of the day. and that's just as it should be. After all, the wedding belongs to both of you!

Who Pays for What

The traditional way
In past generations, the bride's family paid the majority of the wedding expenses, including the engagement party (optional), the wedding gown and almost all reception expenses, from the invitations to the food, photography and cake. The groom's parents covered only the rehearsal dinner and an engagement party (optional), while the groom himself paid for the honeymoon, the bride's rings, the marriage license, the bride's bouquet, corsages for the mothers, boutonnieres for the dads and the officiant's fee.

The modern way
Because many couples today are marrying later and are financially independent, they may pick up all or most of the tab, and both sets of parents may chip in, too. Another popular option: The couple, the bride's family and the groom's family each contribute one-third of the total cost.

There's no question money does often translate to power, confirms Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW, a psychotherapist and the author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage (Cumberland House Press). “Some people are naturally controlling and feel it's their right to dictate what will happen to the money they contribute,” she says. But this is your wedding day, after all, and you and your guy should be calling the shots. or at least most of them. Of course, diplomacy is required! Here's how to negotiate gracefully and effectively.

First, You Gotta Ask

Wedding planning, especially in the early months of engagement, is like a feel-good fantasy bubble, while talk of money is a giant straight pin threatening to burst it. No wonder many couples are reluctant to sit down and discuss dollars and cents. The risk of not ironing out financial specifics early on, however, is assuming that things will magically sort themselves out. They won't.

Recent bride Jaime King, who was wed in June near San Francisco, California, approached her parents shortly after she got engaged. “I asked them if they were willing to give me any money, or if I should plan on eloping,” she says. They told her that they had $25,000 set aside for her wedding. “It was great to be given a total figure so I could budget accordingly,” she says.

Bartlein applauds Jamie's proactive approach and adds that it's also smart to go to your parents armed with an estimate of what your ideal affair might cost. This way, you can nail down specific figures. You might say something like, “We think we can pull together the wedding we've got in mind for about $20,000. Do you think you might be able to pitch in, and, if so, how much?”

If the answer's yes, consider asking them to write a check for the agreed upon amount. You can deposit it in a bank account you've opened just for wedding expenses and pay bills as they arise. This way, invoices are sent directly to you instead of to your parents, neatly sidestepping any opportunity for them to second-guess your decisions.

The Art of the Deal

Now, taking charge this way does not mean you steamroller your parents with demands of cash and zipped mouths. There's a line between getting what you want and pleasing people who, in all likelihood, only want the best for you. Yes, my husband and I paid for our wedding. But, out of love and respect, we also granted several requests our folks made. For instance, my parents, hearing of our plan to save money by hiring a DJ rather than a band, made it known they preferred live music. So we crunched some numbers and ended up spending extra for a great ensemble, and everyone was happy.

Of course, sometimes you'll have to disappoint the ones you love. When is it appropriate to put your needs first? You might ask yourselves: Does this request from Mom and Dad clash with our overall vision of our wedding day? Maureen Dunn, who's planning a June 2005 wedding in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania , is currently grappling with this very question: Her future mother-in-law wants children to be invited to the wedding, while Maureen and her fiancé feel a reception is not the place for tots under 10. 'She's offered to pay for the kids to come, but for us it's not the money. it's simply our preference,' says Maureen. The couple will take their time deciding what they'll do, in order to give the matter the careful consideration it deserves.

It's also important to establish up front how much decision-making power your parents will have if they're contributing cash. Right after Mom says, 'I'll pay for the flowers' and you thank her, you should ask, 'What does this mean to you, exactly?' If she replies that she'll foot the bill you present her, obviously you're fine. If she says she'd like to be consulted and take part in the selection process, that's fine, too. But if she insists on choosing blooms outright, the buzzer sounds and you go another round or two.

Try to avoid the impulse to go into these negotiations prepared for combat. Remember that often a difficult parent just wants to be heard and appreciated, and will use money as a way to 'make' you listen. So, in the flowers scenario, you could ask Mom to agree to attend meetings with the florist and offer suggestions but to let you have the final say. And beforehand, you two can have fun together poring over magazines and catalogues for ideas. But if she's truly autocratic and vetoes your wishes, 'you might want to tell her, gently but firmly, that you'd prefer to pay for the blossoms yourself,' says Bartlein.

One final thought: While often hard, these talks about money and control issues are great practice for married life!

It's true that having a healthy, satisfying marriage requires attention and care, but who said it has to be hard? 'The best way to stay connected and happy in your relationship is to do a few simple things each day,' explains Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of The Lifetime Book of Love and Sex Quizzes (Hyperion). 'It's like house maintenance. If you straighten up a little every day, your home is always going to look nice. As newlyweds, now is the time to set healthy habits for the rest of your lives together.'

To help you do this, we've found 25 easy ways to improve communication and intimacy, spice things up in the bedroom and, overall, make you feel blissful about your union. Each one takes five minutes or less, so what are you waiting for?

1. Create a shared vision. Pick an uplifting word or phrase that summarizes the essential nature of your relationship, like 'soul mates' or 'perfect partners.' That description, once it's 'in the air,' will affect your thoughts and feelings about your relationship, and will create a self-fulfilling prophecy of a more positive union, says William Ickes, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Arlington.

2. Flatter each other shamelessly. 'Regularly give your partner different kinds of compliments,' suggests Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love (Peters Publishing). Get physical ('Your arms are looking buff!'), express appreciation ('Thanks for bringing home that pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food') or be emotional ('When I'm with you, I feel safe'). 'Your connection will be stronger if you show you don't take your partner for granted,' says Cadell.

3. Take a quiz. A romance, sex or relationship test from a book or a magazine. even an outrageous or silly one. will get the two of you talking. 'It's easy to feel shy about certain subjects,' says Schwartz, 'and quizzes are good icebreakers.'

4. Say 'hello' and 'good-bye'. and mean it. When you're in the middle of something. say, paying bills, sending e-mails or cooking dinner. and your partner comes home, it's easy to say a rote 'hi, honey' without looking up from what you're doing. 'Instead, give each other a hug or kiss, even if it's quick,' suggests Judith Ann Graham, a wedding planner and the author of My Bride Guide (Barricade Books). 'It takes all of 15 seconds, but it makes the other person feel like a priority in your life.'

6. Close the bathroom door 'It's great to be comfortable enough to do anything in front of your spouse, but that doesn't mean you should,' says Carle. Making some private moments too public can send a message that says, 'I don't need to impress you anymore now that we're married.'

7. Do spontaneous favors for each other. Bake his favorite cookies, draw her a peppermint-scented bubble bath or rent the flick you saw on your first date. 'Doing small, unexpected things for each other shows that you care enough to make your mate's life a little easier,' says Graham.

8. Draw 'body maps.' Let's face it: Talking about what turns you on, even to your fiancé or spouse, can be difficult. Eliminate the stress of it by making an outline of your body. front and back. that resembles a gingerbread cookie (don't worry, no one expects it to look like a da Vinci), suggests Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., coauthor of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On (New Harbinger Publications). Use green, yellow and red markers to designate how much you like to be touched in each area. Trade maps, then hit the 'road.'

9. Do 'The Swirl.' Trace langorous, soft circles and S-shaped waves along your mate's neck, arms and palms. 'This electrifies the nerves under the skin much more than just running one's fingers up and down in a straight line,' says Lou Paget, author of 365 Days of Sensational Sex (Gotham Books). 'An irregular swirling pattern surprises your nerves, creating a heightened sensation.'

10. Relive your dating days. 'Research has shown that having couples re-create experiences they shared when they first fell in love can actually help the relationship as much as certain types of marital therapy will,' says Ickes. Write down five things you each loved doing when you began dating. dining by candlelight, browsing bookstores, working out together. and start incorporating them into your life again.

11. Smooch for 12 seconds, twice a day. 'Passionate kissing will keep the juices flowing forever,' says Cadell. 'Kissing is so intimate because you're face to face and looking into each other's eyes.' It also stokes your romantic fires because it's reminiscent of the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't stop locking lips.

12. Think about sex. and only sex. 'If you're worried about your mile-long to-do list or what your mother said on the phone today while you're getting intimate, your sex life may suffer,' says Zoldbrod. So, before things heat up, take a few minutes to jot down all of your thoughts and concerns from the day. 'This releases what's stressing you out and allows you to consciously give yourself permission to focus on more pleasurable activities,' she says.

13. Reminisce. Spend a few minutes looking at old photos or reading cards and notes you wrote each other when you first started dating. Sure, it's a little sappy, but it will show you how far you've come and bring back the giddy vibes from those butterflies-in-the-stomach days.

14. Stock up on Post-its. These sticky pads are lifesavers at the office, but they can also keep things humming along at home. Leave each other little notes on the bathroom mirror, in his or her wallet or on the dashboard of the car. You'll smile. and feel a special little thrill. when you find them.

15. Take a whiff. 'Scents stimulate the limbic system, the part of the brain that affects your mood,' explains Alan Hirsch, M.D., neurologic director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, in Chicago, Illinois. One of the foundation's recent studies found that the most powerful odor for male sexual arousal is a combination of pumpkin pie and lavender. Husbands should stock up on licorice and cucumber, since women respond best to these scents, according to the study.

16. Get cutesy. Having pet names for each other can create feelings of closeness. There's nothing wrong with 'sweet pea,' 'stud muffin' or 'brown eyes,' but you should choose monikers that have special meanings to the two of you. 'Nicknames are very private and intimate because no one else addresses either one of you that way,' explains Carle.

17. Buff up, ladies. 'For women, toning the muscles of the pelvic floor increases circulation to that area, enhancing sexual pleasure,' says Clifford L. Penner, Ph.D., a sex therapist and coauthor of Restoring the Pleasure: Complete Step-by-Step Programs to Help Couples Overcome the Most Common Sexual Barriers (Word Publishing). So, practice Kegel exercises: Simply contract the muscles of the pelvic floor, as if you're trying hard not to urinate, hold for a few seconds, then release and repeat. Do 5 to 10 reps per day, eventually working up to 15 to 20 reps. You can do them anywhere. no one will know you're toning up on the ATM line. And we won't tell.

18. Guys, get sweaty. Believe it or not, a study in the journal Biology of Reproduction found that the scent of male underarm perspiration can lift a woman's moods, reduce her tension and make her feel more relaxed. So, hit the track and watch her spirits soar.

19. Banish the TV from your bedroom. 'Watching television in bed robs you of a lot of good hours spent focusing on each other,' warns Schwartz. 'If it's not there you'll be more likely to talk, cuddle and make love.'

20. Read to each other instead of watching TV. Pick up the newspaper, a book of poems or a collection of jokes and take turns reading them aloud. 'It's a fun activity that can be intimate and romantic,' says Schwartz.

21. Touch base. No matter how swamped you are during the day, squeeze in a just-saying-hi call or e-mail. 'Work can be stressful and crazy,' says Carle, 'and this makes you each other's anchor and bright spot during those times.'

22. Share a soak. Doesn't a hot bath feel amazing after a hectic day? It will feel even better when you do it together. Take turns washing each other's hair and loofah-ing each other's backs. 'This will make you feel loved and tended to,' says Schwartz.

23. Count your blessings. During dinner or before you hit the hay, acknowledge at least one thing that the other person did for you that day that makes you feel grateful. This can be anything from 'you did the dishes tonight' to 'you helped me solve that sticky work problem.' A study at the University of Miami found that when students regularly took stock of the good things around them their level of satisfaction with their lives increased.

24. Coordinate your calendars. Yes, it's crazy that you sometimes have to pencil in time with the person you love and live with, but if you have a busy life (and who doesn't?), you run the risk of hardly ever seeing each other. Stay connected by scheduling a standing date night, a mid-week lunch or even just an hour here and there to run errands together.

25. Be silent sometimes. It's wonderful when you are so comfortable with each other that you don't need distractions, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., a couple's therapist and author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple (New Harbinger Publications). Relish this. it's a sign of true closeness.

For all of its joys, planning a wedding can be pretty maddening, so you'll be pardoned if you pause every now and then to think about good old, red-blooded American sex. More intriguing than another trip to the florist, more stimulating than a chat with that unctuous little fork-rental guy-it's all right with me if you take a few minutes to contemplate the ol' hammer-and-tongs, the slowly melting ice cube, the tousled toss of sheets...whatever it is that sets your mind down that smooth and sweaty path.

But even as your pulse starts to race at the thought of, well, you know, your mind may race in another direction: What's up with sex and marriage? After this thing gets signed, sealed and delivered to the courthouse, what's gonna happen between the sheets? Will your sex life continue to sizzle and pop like truck-stop bacon on a hot greased griddle? Or will it suffer a long slow fade to gray, with all of your hard-earned poetry and passion draining from your bedroom until you get your greatest thrills from late-night cable and the steamier cinema sex scenes? And I know what you brides-to-be must be thinking (some of you, most of you). You're wondering what he's thinking about being conjugally conjoined with you, for the rest of your lives.

What's your guy's take on sex? Hell, I don't know. I've never even met you. And even if I had, I'm hardly qualified to answer such a question. I'm married, yes, and I have sex, but I'm no tantric guru. I just take each day as it comes and do the best I can. It seems to work.

In truth, I am a terrible man to write this article. I don't even like to talk about sex. It makes me stammer and sweat. My eyes roll around, I fidget feebly, and I turn a quite conspicuous shade of red. I am no Wilt Chamberlain-I've had four partners in my life, and only one in the last eight years. I am intrigued, enamored and quite excitable, but far from adventurous. I have never taken anything to bed that requires handcuffs, tranquilizers or more than two C batteries. Rather, I represent something common but not appreciated enough in this world: I love my wife, she loves me, and together we have fine and satisfying sex.

Which may be, upon reflection, the very reason I should be writing this article. My wife and I are regular folks, predictable and routine, and living proof that good sex can be had without Spanish Fly, Cosmopolitan magazine or edible underwear. (Although, to be honest, that new banana-mango flavor has me curious.) And in eight years of courtship, cohabitation and marriage, I may have figured out a thing or two. Or maybe not. But I'll answer a few unasked questions just the same.

Is he thinking that married sex will be just the same ol' routine?

But I will flout conventional wisdom by putting in a good word for routine. Routines evolve because they work. They feel good, to both partners. My wife has a routine that can make popcorn come out of my ears. With any luck, your sexual repertoire will become fine-tuned over the years to the point where it's a source of endless pleasure. Variations on that theme will be intriguing, engaging and alive. No one's pretending that symphonies will come out of your bedroom every time you do the deed, that angels will descend blowing trumpets of pure joy, but you may just get to know a sweeter kind of music, not so loud or alarming but reassuring and wise.

Besides, if blind passion gives way to a knowing intimacy, is that so bad? Intimacy enhances sex, and lets love get in on the act. Don't worry. Passion's not gone for good. It's too insistent an emotion for that. Rest assured it will come roaring back at unexpected moments, lighting up the bedroom like the Fourth of July.

Or it may never go anywhere. That would be exciting. May the stallions of unabashed sexual splendor bless your bedroom for eternity. But if they take a day off, don't sweat it. Enjoy the gentler side of sex. Embrace intimacy. And by all means, work on that routine. The dividends can't help but be profound.

Is he worrying about how he can make love to one woman for the rest of his life?

Oh stop it. That's the classic question posed to the male fiance, and it's always baffled me. That's exactly what I want to do-make love to just one woman for the rest of my life. Ain't that the point? But I will acknowledge that the "how can you?" school of thought has its champions. They like to talk about all the fine women in the world-the bounty of breasts, the profusion of hips, the abundance of lips, and what a tragedy it would be to limit yourself to just one set of each. In my experience, folks who say this have one thing in common: They're all bachelors. No married man I know talks that way. Not even in jest. So, you ask, are my friends saints or liars? Neither, I submit. Just good men deeply in love with their wives, as I am. In spite of what Hollywood, Playboy and the Marlboro Man will tell you, most men are as desperate, insecure and afraid of being alone as any other human on the planet, and most want nothing more than to be truly loved by one woman for the rest of their lives.

Are you sure?

Well... It is true that there are fellas who can't bear the thought of making love to "just" one woman for the rest of their lives. I have friends like that. Either by choice or by chance, they haven't settled down. Perhaps they need that uncharted territory to feel whole or, more likely, they haven't yet met a gal to convince them that same-partner sex for the rest of their lives will be sweeter than blackberry pie.

Take my friend Lou (not his real name). Lou likes to play the field, and I'll give him this: He's committed to his hobby. "On the one hand," Lou told me the other day, "anybody knows that the swinger's life is likely to end in bitter loneliness, trolling bars and looking for someone who's really on your wavelength. On the other hand, it's some lively excitement to take off somebody's clothes for the first time, to explore new territory with mad abandon and with the chance that it may be the superlative lay of your life. Naturally, the trade-off is loyalty, companionship and having a co-pilot in the great journey of life. But I can't sacrifice the former to get the latter. It's just not me."

Good for Lou: He knows what he wants. But (listen carefully here): He's not your fiance. If your fiance felt the same way as Lou, he wouldn't be picking out his tuxedo as you read this. These days, most men come to the altar with all the information they need on the subject at hand. If a man proposes-or accepts a proposal-I take it as pretty good evidence he's decided the settled life is gonna beat the pants off the tomcat life. It's a trade he'll gladly make. I know I did. (Never was much of a tomcat, but no matter. I was still quite happy to hang up those claws.)

But isn't it true that all men are rascals at heart?

I cannot promise that no married man will ever steal a sidelong glance at a comely gal passing by. That's just biology, not to mention poor manners, if you ask me. But for most men, a glance is as far as it will go. Take my friend Mo. Mo's been married for three years and he's quite happy where he is. "As for having one partner for the rest of your days, hell, I've yet to tire of sex with my woman," says Mo. "Love carries that fervor onward. Yes, there are scads of women I see who, if incidents and moments in time could be isolated from reality where they could cause no harm or repercussions, I would quite enjoy... you know. Alas, I have not discovered that plane of existence, nor do I expect to."

Mo is being playful, folks. I suspect he has no actual desire to discover that "plane of existence," for in that plane his love for his wife could not mean as much as it does now. Mo knows that. A man happy in his heart is happy in the sack, because he is making love to the only woman he wants.

So Mo still rocks the house, eh?

You're darn right. The truth is, commitment improves sex. It adds intimacy. It creates a safe, secure place for sexual honesty, adventure and experimentation. Old fears die; guards are dropped; the fields of play are opened wide. My friend Slim is getting married in two weeks-he'll be hitched and honeymooned by the time you read this-and is nothing but thrilled about the direction he sees his sex life taking. Says Slim: "Marriage vows are going to bring us to a different level with our sexual experience. I know this for a fact. I can already feel the difference in where I am today. I think being committed makes me feel secure and not afraid of being hurt. Marriage is like the roots of a tree digging deeper into the ground so the strongest wind won't be able to blow it over. I can only see the sex improving. Luckily, she feels the same way. Yippee!"

Good for Slim. Any final thoughts?

Yes. Remember this. Sex ain't everything anyhow. Sure it sells, and it's absorbing to a point, but when it all shakes down, long-term compatibility has a lot more to do with how you interact at the breakfast table than in the boudoir. The keys to a strong marriage are not lace panties, tight buns and reckless passion on the living room floor, although these things are nice in doses. Rather, it is friendship, understanding, laughter and a gentle caress here and there. It is obvious to say so; it is also easy to forget. Don't.

Which is not to say I can't be titillated. Not by a long shot. My wife can still make the racecars run around in my brain, and I expect she'll be able to do as much until the day I'm planted in the cold and lonely ground. I'm looking forward to it.

Buy the Book: Order The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides (Goofy Foot Press, February 2000) from Amazon.com.

Merely out of curiosity, Shelly Meyers*, 31, of Austin, Texas, bought a book of erotic stories shortly before she got married. After having a steamy read, she suggested that her fiance, Craig, read the book, too.

Let's just say they're into reading before bed these days: In the five years they've been married, the couple have indulged in other erotic tales, and bought an instructional video about improving intimacy. Sharing these experiences, says Shelly, has made them much more comfortable talking about sex.

"My husband is very shy," says Shelly. "The books and videos provide a springboard that comes from a safe place. We're able to say 'Wow, that was an interesting fantasy...' then see where that leads us."

Learning to make love to someone in a way that is sensitive, satisfying and fulfilling certainly seems like something that should come naturally, which probably explains why many of us presume that it does-and why we can become confused or frustrated when it doesn't. Many couples assume that a fabulous sex life naturally follows once we find the right person. But the reality is that developing a mutually satisfying, exciting sexual relationship takes time, effort-and education, says Sandra Scantling, a certified sex therapist and the director of intimacy education at the Sinclair Intimacy Institute, in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. "We're not born great lovers," she says. "We tend to think sex education is just for kids, but really it's not-it's for adults."

But I'm Already a Great Lover!

Now, if you're smugly reading this, thinking, "I'm quite happy with the frequency and quality of our lovemaking," wipe that smirk off your face, because you can always learn something. Maybe it's a position that you've never thought of before, or an oral-sex technique that will drive your husband wild. Experimenting with different types of sexual expression can be tremendously illuminating, says Marianna Beck, Ph.D., co-author of The Ecstatic Moment (Dell, 1997) and founder and co-publisher of the erotic journal Libido.

"There's this expectation that the only kind of satisfying sex is straight intercourse, penis/vagina sex. If couples start to think about how they can get to an excited state without penetration, it's quite amazing the fun they can have," she says. "For example, mutual masturbation can be extremely exciting and sensual to share because it's an extraordinarily intimate act."

Learning more about sex can also keep you from getting into a rut. "People get stuck on routines," says Beck. "They get locked into the time and the place and the position in which they make love. That can really be a sex killer. Yet if you change any part of that, you automatically add spice. Do you always have to make love on a bed or even in the bedroom? Why not the sofa in the living room? You introduce a huge erotic element when you remove sex from its traditional venue and take it to other places."

Couples are also guilty of making assumptions about sex, including how long it should last, what it should include and who should reach orgasm first. But if you take these unspoken beliefs for granted, they can prevent you from exploring your sexuality more fully. "Throw those assumptions out the window!" suggests Beck. "Open yourself up to the more creative end of sex; for example, bring in a video or a vibrator, relocate to another room, consider taking a workshop."

Most importantly, by learning more about sex, the two of you learn more about each other. "It's another form of show and tell," explains Scantling. "Say 'let me show you how I like it' and kiss him in the way that you like to be kissed. Not everybody appreciates the same kind of kiss-in the same way that we all don't like our food seasoned the same way; it's not intuitive. He won't naturally know how you want your breasts touched; nor will you know just what pushes his buttons. Teaching is as much a part of being a good lover as listening is."

Making a Good Thing Even Better

It's well worth putting in the time to educate yourselves about sex because whatever you learn doesn't occur in a vacuum. What that means: The strength and closeness you gain in your sexual relationship will have positive repercussions on your day-to-day relationship.

"When couples think of or experience sex as something that happens just below the waist, they miss the bigger picture," says Scantling. "Sex is one of the ways couples communicate," and when they get better at it, all forms of communication improve. For sex to be good not only at the beginning but throughout the life of your relationship, you have to keep in mind that it's an ongoing process.

Beverly Richards* admits that she was surprised when her husband, a computer technician, brought home sex-education computer software. "At first I thought it was a little strange-it's not like you normally learn about sex on a computer," says Beverly, 38. "But it was interesting-and certainly better than I had expected."

Using the software together gave Beverly and her husband a chance to talk more freely about their sexual desires and expectations. "In some ways, going through the training thing together gave us the opportunity to communicate," she explains. "It may not have been specifically because we learned new techniques or anything, but because we talked about it and figured out what the other was thinking. A lot of us grow up with preconceived notions of what all women want or what all men want and we don't discuss it with each other. We just tend to do those things whether our partner actually wants them or not."

Learning about sex doesn't have to be serious business either. Shelly and Craig enjoyed experimenting with a number of sex toys she received at her bachelorette party. "Toys helped us realize that sex doesn't always have to be the waves crashing against the shore or deep meaningful conversation through touching," says Shelly. "I mean, they're toys; it's fun. The 'accessories' give you permission-or inspiration-to let yourself go. Say you get handcuffs and you're not a handcuff kind of girl, just twirling them around can get you talking and thinking and laughing together-and that's good because you're still sharing that laugh over it as you make love."

Your sexual happiness with each other spills over into other areas of your lives as well, says Linda Banner, a certified sex therapist in Los Gatos, California. "Sex and self-esteem are intertwined. As we develop more confidence with our sexual functioning, we increase our confidence in ourselves and our ability to communicate and to relate with other people," she explains. "The techniques help but really it's a synergistic process. The communication, the relationship, the intimacy-it all works together."

Tools, Techniques and Toys

If you want to learn more about sex, you can hit the books (literally!)-or just about anything else. There's an endless variety of tools available including books, magazine articles, videos, software programs, workshops, retreats and sex therapists. Books like Anne Hooper's Kama Sutra (DK Publishing, 1994) or The New Joy of Sex (Pocket Books, 1992) provide illustrations and text about dozens of positions and techniques that you can try. In fact, just checking out the sex-book section of the bookstore can be an erotic experience to share! Watching videotapes or reading erotica can give the two of you ideas to experiment with as well.

"Erotic videos are a great way to get comfortable and explore ideas about sex and positions," says Beck. "Some, like Candida Royale's Femme productions, are a very gentle and sensual approach to lovemaking; they aren't the often crude porno that you tend to find in video stores."

"It's the old saying, a picture is worth a thousand words," agrees Banner, who has appeared in videos produced by the Sinclair Intimacy Institute and uses them in her practice. "Everyone who has watched these videos has said these are fantastic and they really help." Banner recently treated a couple who came to her because the husband was having rapid ejaculation and erection problems. "After watching the videos, they were able to practice some of the things they saw. He says he feels much more confident and relaxed now," says Banner. "Videos are great because you're in the privacy of your own home. You can stop and start the tape, rewind-or just turn it off and practice."

Other options include weekend retreats and workshops that offer couples a chance to explore their sexuality in greater depth. Workshops that offer instruction in tantric sex-lovemaking that focuses on reaching higher spiritual levels as well as sexual ecstasy-are growing in popularity. If you're interested in attending such an event, ask for references from people who've been there to suss out what the workshop entails-they can vary substantially in structure and format. For example, some suggest complete nudity during group activities; others are more sedate.

If you and your partner have been unable to address sexual issues in your relationship, you may want to consider professional help. Sex therapists and counselors work with individuals and couples to help resolve sexual problems. Check your telephone book for a therapist near you, or contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists for a referral (aasect.org or send a fax to 319-895-6203).

While the combustion of your initial sexual passion may diminish over time, your sex life need not become mediocre or routine. Willingness to explore your sexuality with your partner-while learning more about each other in the process-will keep your marriage strong and exciting in the years to come. It's definitely time well spent!

Says Shelly: "I think that putting time and effort into it has made Craig and me more confident and less inhibited with each other. Even though we're no longer in the first rush of excitement for each other, sex still remains a constantly re-invented experience five years on. We don't want to fall into a routine and we're willing to work to make sure that we don't."

*These names have been changed to protect privacy.

While you probably already have an idea of the kind of lovers you are, what you might not know is how this information can actually lead to a more fabulous sex life, says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and the author of The Lifetime Book of Love and Sex Quizzes (Hyperion). That's where we come in!

Sit down together, and take the following test. Choose answers that apply most of the time, and be honest with yourselves-don't pick answers you wish were true. Then, consult the key on the opposite page to figure out your sexual style (if you don't fit neatly into one category, read the two that best apply) and check our tips for how you can maximize your libidinous leanings. And-need we add?-take our ideas for a test-drive tonight!

1. For you, morning sex is:

A. not as nice as a drawn-out nighttime session;

B. great, especially when you have the day off;

C. an appetizer.

2. Which of the following is most likely to get you in the mood?

A. Thoughtful gestures, compliments and gentle touches exchanged throughout the day;

B. Reading an erotic novel (alone or aloud) or talking about sexual fantasies;

C. Porn.

3. Your turn-your-partner-on underwear arsenal consists of:

A. bras and panties (or boxers on him) in all sorts of fun colors and patterns;

B. classic black bra-and-panty sets in a variety of sexy silhouettes (or, on him, white briefs or combo boxer-briefs that show off his sleek physique);

C. animal-print satin pieces that leave little to the imagination.

4. When it comes to initiating sex, you:

A. both feel a little tentative taking the lead, but eventually the message gets across;

B. subtly rub up against him (or nuzzle her neck and face) and see what comes up;

C. pull his zipper down with your teeth (or slide your hands up her back and unclasp her bra).

5. Of the following activities, which best describes your ultimate erotic limit with your partner?

A. A tasteful nude photo session;

B. Creating a not-so-tasteful sex video, with the knowledge that the "erase" button is at hand;

C. A threesome.

6. You've played hooky from work to spend the day together in bed. This statement is:

A. true;

B. false;

C. true, plus you've actually had sex at work.

Mostly A's: sensual and Romantic

Candles, silk sheets, chocolate-dipped strawberries...for you, love is in the details, especially ones that involve the five senses. Your ideal honeymoon would be spent at a beach resort where you have access to all sorts of feel-good pleasures, like gourmet dinners and a pampering spa that offers tandem massages. Better-Sex Secret: Be aware that a total wine-and-roses existence is very hard to sustain, says Schwartz. At some point, mundane details like the mortgage or your kid's science project just may come crashing into your love nest, and you should be ready for this. Practice for those time-pressed, stress-filled days ahead by having "quickie" shags in the shower or an occasional lunch-hour romp. You'll see that satisfying sex doesn't always require the perfect ambience.

Mostly B's: Passionate, but practical

Although you adore sex-in fact, maybe only your partner knows how deeply sensual you really are-you're practical about the details. For example, while you might enjoy lounging in bed on Saturday morning, if it's laundry day chances are you'll cut the canoodling time by an hour or so. And you wouldn't dream of calling in sick to work to get some extra nookie time. You'll probably choose a honeymoon trip that will allow you to feel a great sense of accomplishment at the end of each day, like a biking tour of Tuscany . Better-Sex Secret: Beware of losing yourself in your "to-do list" tendencies, or you'll risk becoming resentful of sex-and thus of your partner. Be more spontaneous: When you notice how sexy he looks washing dishes with soapsuds all over his face, wrap your arms around him, then lead him to the bedroom; if she balks at playing hooky, remind her that good workers are happy workers.

Mostly C's: Wild and adventurous

Samantha Jones calls you guys for sex tips. You'll try any position, have sex in unusual places and fulfill each other's wildest sexual fantasies. Your ideal honeymoon locale? Anyplace that has a bed! The best news: You've heard that married sex can get routine, but the two of you will probably never get bored, because you're open to experimentation and so focused on pleasing each other. Better-Sex Secret: Your bedroom playbook may be bursting with winning moves, but it's not healthy if being physical is the best-or only-way you connect with each other. "Remember that a strong emotional link is what keeps the passion in a marriage going long-term, which is why you must communicate more," says Schwartz. So, if you have a fight, talk it through thoroughly (before you have that terrific makeup sex). You might be surprised by how this new kind of connection and intimacy makes sex even hotter in the long run. And constantly reaffirm your love for each other as people ("I appreciate that you're so thoughtful"), not just as the god or goddess who gives you those spectacular orgasms.

Q:

A: Absolutely not. Hollywood may have you believing otherwise, but the fact is that very few women orgasm during intercourse, says Carole Altman, Ph.D., a psychologist in Las Vegas, Nevada , and the author of Electrify Your Sex Life (Sourcebooks). The reason is purely anatomical: There are few nerve endings up inside the vaginal cavity, she explains. (It's the same reason that you can't feel a tampon once it's inside you.) On the other hand, the rim of the vagina, the labia and the clitoris are all full of nerve endings, which is why oral or manual stimulation to these areas is so effective. However, you and your fiance can position yourselves so that his thrusts stimulate these extra-sensitive parts, says Altman. The woman-on-top position-especially when he's seated upright on a couch or chair-is great for this. She also suggests that you ask your partner to bring you to orgasm once or twice orally or manually before engaging in intercourse. "If you've already climaxed, you're more likely to do so again, since your body is 'primed,' so to speak," she explains.

Q: My fiance and I have been using condoms since we started dating, but once we're married I'd like to go on the Pill. Is it important for us to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) before we stop using condoms?

A: If either one of you has ever had sex without a condom, and you haven't been tested for STDs since that time, you must be screened before you switch to oral contraceptives, says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a sex therapist in San Francisco and a former research scientist at the HIV Center for Clinical and Behavioral Studies at Columbia University . "Even if you've been in your current relationship for 10 years, you still may be carrying an STD from a past sexual encounter," he states. A common condition like herpes or HPV (human papillomavirus) can lie dormant for many years, so even if you've never had any symptoms of the disease, you still may be contagious. "Couples think that marriage will somehow protect them from STDs, but there's not one STD I'm aware of that cares whether you are married or not," says Gardos.

Q: I'm a virgin, and am both excited and nervous about my wedding night. What can I expect? Will it hurt?

A: Relax! You're about to begin a delightful journey of discovery with your partner for life, says Frank Schultz, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Lakeland, Florida , who specializes in relationship issues. "When you make love with your husband you are connecting not only with your body, but with your head and heart," he says. "You are literally opening up and taking your lover into your life, both physically and metaphorically." Since your first time will occur only once, savor the experience consciously. Take your time, be curious, say what feels good and what doesn't. And follow your instincts: Ask for what you think you might want, suggests Schultz. Also, participate in plenty of foreplay-rubbing, kissing, caressing-so that you are well lubricated before your husband enters you: Vaginal dryness can cause discomfort, and lubrication is a sign that your body is relaxed and ready to "go."

At the same time, however, it's important your expectations for wedding-night sex are not too high. The truth is, many couples feel disappointed that they don't experience the "crashing waves" of ecstasy they've seen on television and in movies. Know, though, that your sex life will improve over time, with plenty of practice and a deepening intimacy between you. Also, note that some women experience a little pain and bleeding their first time, when the hymen, a thin layer of skin just outside the vaginal canal, is torn during penetration. But if you're athletic, it's likely that your hymen is already broken, which means you probably won't bleed or feel any discomfort. (To be safe, however, you may want to place a towel beneath you on the bed, so you don't stain the sheets.)

Q: We both feel embarrassed about telling each other what we want and need in bed. How can we overcome this problem and open up more?

A: Altman proposes this exercise: "Write out a 'wish list' of all the things you're eager to try, and have your fiance do the same," she says. "Then agree to try those items on your lists that appeal to both of you." (You can even do this by pointing!) You might find that you are already in agreement about certain changes you want to make, and this will serve to bring you closer-and make you feel more comfortable when communicating your needs and desires. Still feel funny? Try some nonverbal cues. "Place his hands where you want to be touched, or twist your body in an angle that feels good," says Altman. Be sure to reward the other with a "yes" or a moan when one of you does something right-guys, especially, love this. "It will also guarantee that the behavior is repeated," says Altman.

Q: I adore my fiance, and he's a great lover, but he recently developed a beer belly, and it's kind of a turn-off. Is it okay for me to tell him to do something about it, or should I keep quiet?

A: Suffering in silence is definitely not the answer! By holding your feelings inside, you'll only develop resentments toward your fiance, which will inevitably affect your sex life even more, says Debra Mandel, Ph.D., a psychologist in Los Angeles and the author of Healing the Sensitive Heart (Adams Media). You have two choices as to how to broach the subject: directly and indirectly.

If you go the direct route, tread carefully: He may be as sensitive about his stomach as you are turned off by it, and you don't want to hurt his feelings. A gentle way to tell him: During a quiet moment outside the bedroom (and preferably when he's clothed), let him know that it's important that you and he have a lusty sex life, and that you would feel more passionate if he would take better care of his body. "Then ask him if there is something-excluding plastic surgery!-that you could change about yourself that might make him find you sexier," says Mandel.

If you think his ego would be too bruised by such a conversation, you can approach the matter indirectly: Inspire better eating habits in him by changing your own, suggests Mandel. If you're the cook in the family, prepare healthful food-lean meats, fish and plenty of vegetables. Say "no" to fat-laden takeout meals eaten in front of the TV. Better yet, sign up for a couples' cooking class, where you can learn how to make low-cal fare. Join a gym or take tennis lessons together. Show him that you're willing to help him do whatever it takes to get back in shape.

Q: My fiance and I are not going to live together until we're married. Right now, we usually make love about once a week, when we see each other on the weekends. That's plenty for me, but he says he's going to want sex every day once we're married. Is this going to cause problems between us?

A: "Desire discrepancy" is the single most common complaint heard by sex therapists, says Gardos. But it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with either of you. The keys to avoiding problems here, as with most other issues in maintaining that "happily ever after" vibe, are to compromise and negotiate. When your partner proposes sex and you're not in the mood, you might decide to go ahead and give in. "We do a lot of things that we're not in the mood for, and it's nice to do this for your partner once in a while," says Gardos. (Besides, as the kissing progresses, you might find yourself getting into the groove, in spite of yourself.) Just make sure you don't feel resentful; these feelings will build over time, and can undermine your relationship in the long run. "Or, you can give him an alternative, like, 'How about I give you a really great hand job tonight, and then I promise, if I can get a good night's sleep, tomorrow we can make love?' " says Gardos. Just remember to reassure him that even though you may not be in the mood for intercourse as often as he is, you still find him sexy and enjoy being intimate with him.

Q: We aren't usually very adventurous in bed, but on our wedding night I'd love to surprise my husband. Got any ideas?

A: First, set a romantic mood with candles, satin sheets, his favorite music and whatever else you like-it'll put you both in the same frame of mind. Men are turned on by visuals, so slip into some sexy lingerie (no doubt you received some pretty pieces at your bridal shower). Or, do a striptease, slowly taking off your clothing to reveal a hot number underneath-or your bare bod. Then, give him a sensual massage using oil in his favorite scent, suggests Altman. Or, blindfold your partner with a silk scarf and tickle and tease him with a feather, adds Gardos. Let him take you only when he's ready to explode! Feeling naughtier? Altman recommends this maneuver: Cover your man's entire body with sheets or towels, leaving only his penis exposed. Then have your way with it, without touching any other part of him. "Really, though, almost anything you haven't done before will add a little something special to that night," says Gardos.

Q: Is it true that a couple can get bored with each other, sexually speaking, after they've been married a while? I'm so afraid of this happening.

A: Yes, unfortunately, it's fairly common, says Gardos. "After all, novelty is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs," he says. "That's why it's important to continue wooing your partner even after you're married, doing creative and generous things for and to each other to fan the flame." Come to bed wearing something irresistible once in a while. Suggest a new position to try. Buy sex toys. Plan a date night or a weekend away. Make it a priority to understand what turns your partner on, then make those things happen on a regular basis.

Altman adds that sexual boredom can sometimes be a symptom of bigger problems within the relationship. "It is often an issue for couples who do not continue to respect each other," she says. So, try never to get so comfortable that you forget to treat your partner with common courtesy. "Always say 'please' and 'thank you,' " she suggests. "Do not denigrate or ridicule. Compliment each other, and always hold your partner in high regard." And both of you should use this strategy once in a while: Before you leave for work in the morning, tell him what you plan to do to him sexually later that night. "He'll be panting for you all day long," says Altman. The point of all this? Great sex is as much a part of what happens outside the bedroom as inside.

Admit it: When you think about your honeymoon, you're thinking about sex. Good sex, great sex, lots of sex. We're with you. and we've come up with 10 ways to make honeymoon sex hotter than ever. Sex on the beach? That's the easy part. Here's the rest.

1. Take a nap

Let's face it, after months of meticulous planning and a day or night filled with crazy emotions, meeting, greeting, eating and dancing, sleep may be higher on your to-do list than getting it on with your groom. 'It's important not to put too much pressure on yourselves to have sex on your wedding night,' says Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Happy Relationship (Alpha Books). It's a well-kept secret: Many couples are just too exhausted to conjugate on night numero uno. So if too many champagne toasts have left your libidos lagging, don't push it. Instead, curl up next to your hubby, and get a little shut-eye. After all, you'll have the next morning, the entire honeymoon and the rest of your lives to break the bedsprings - and you'll need some energy to do it!

In the real world: When you're wiped out after a long day, you may feel you're neglecting your sex life if you two just pass out together. But that doesn't mean you have to completely pass on sex. Instead, get out a pen and paper, and write each other a romantic rain check. That way, while you're curled up in the spoon position, you can dream about cashing in that IOU.

2. Play Aladdin

Even if you two are already plenty passionate in your sexual encounters, there are bound to be some things you've been dying to try. and he's sure to have some secret fantasies of his own. 'Before the big day, exchange a list of three wishes, things that you think would heighten your romantic or sexual experience,' says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a certified clinical sexologist and author of Passion Power (Peters Publishing). You don't have to get down and dirty. Start by listing gentle activities, like a sensual massage, having him brush your hair or taking a bubble bath together. You can work up to the kinky stuff later. These wishes will give you both some intriguing tricks to try on your trip, and will also open the doors for communication. and experimentation. down the road.

In the real world: Plan a Wish Night once a month. 'It's a great way to learn about each other,' says Kuriansky, and to tickle each other's fancies - maybe even literally.

3. Tune into your 'sixth sense.'

Don't worry, we're not talking about seeing dead people. 'You need to emphasize the sensual dimension of your relationship,' says Lana Holstein, M.D., author of How to Have Magnificent Sex: The Seven Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection (Harmony). Concentrate on creating a positive element for each of the six. that's right six. senses of the body. According to Holstein, in addition to the familiar five (sight, smell, touch, taste, sound), there is the kinesthetic, your sense of the movement of your body. To create an uber-sensual honeymoon experience, pack massage oils, candles and bath salts, and stock up on delectables like strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate (to tease your taste buds). Ask the concierge to place fresh flowers in your hotel room, and don't forget to bring the music. unless, of course, you like that Muzak on the hotel's TV channel. The tunes will bring pleasure to your ears, and the rhythm will heighten your kinesthetic sense and put you in the mood for motion.

In the real world: Bring the sense-pleasing souvenirs home with you, and place them around the house. Keep those candles on a coffee table or place the massage oil next to the toothpaste in the medicine cabinet. They'll provide daily reminders of your exciting escapade, and they'll also be handy to grab in case of, um, need.

4. Take an erogenous-zone expedition.

'All parts of your body are sexual,' says Cia Rocco, psychotherapist and author of Living As If Your Life Depended On It (Life Care, Inc.). But it's hard to know exactly what spots will make your man melt. and the fact is, he probably doesn't know, either! To overcome that obstacle, Cadell suggests this trick: Have your hubby lie down naked. Starting at the top of his head, kiss, caress and nibble every inch of his body, front and back. Be sure to include even the most seemingly unsexy parts, like his eyelids, the tips of his fingers and the backs of his heels. You never know when you'll hit a hot spot! While you're exploring, have him rate each inch that you touch on a scale of one to 10. As you move along, make mental notes of those zones ranked 8 to 10, and file them away for future reference. When you've finished with this lengthy yet delicious task. and if you're not already too turned on to handle it. switch places and let him nibble his way around your neighborhood.

In the real world: Once you know where his hot spots hide, make a point of seeking them out randomly during sex. Only go for one or two of his most sensitive spots at a time, so that you keep him guessing. and begging for more.

5. Get off your high horse.

Admit it, you like being on top. Most women do (it's easiest for us to control our pleasure that way). But having it your way all the time might send your sex life out to pasture. On top not your favorite? Whatever your tried-and-true sex position is, it may be time to change things. 'Many people make love in the same position and in the same location all the time, which leads to predictability and boredom,' says Cadell. And who wants to be bored in bed? So let go of the reigns, and take a ride on these trails (or go off on a few of your own): Missionary (or man on top). emotionally stimulating because you're face to face. Scissors (or side-by-side) - great for slow, gentle sex, and good for cuddling. Rear entry. best for deep penetration. Standing. not for those with heart problems, but good for a quick ride. 'Start with a fresh awareness that you are creating your own sexual repertoire,' says Rocco, 'and really get comfortable with exploring all the positions.' Who knows, you could be screaming, 'Ride 'em, cowboy!' from a brand new saddle in no time.

In the real world: Rate your favorite rides, compare notes with your cowboy, and revisit those trails every few months to see whether the scenery has changed.

6. Be a tease.

Kiss him, pet him, touch him, grab him. Sure, he knows he's getting the prize in the end, but the more you tease him and build up to the actual event, the more raucous the romp will be. 'Sex play and intercourse are two separate things,' explains Cadell. So instead of running back to your hotel room every time you're feeling sexy, just let him know subtly - or maybe not so subtly - how you're feeling. 'If you are sitting across from each other in beach chairs, try massaging him through his shorts with your toes,' suggests Rocco. It's your honeymoon, after all.

In the real world: 'Accidentally' touch him when he's least expecting it. especially when you're doing mundane things like washing the dishes or brushing your teeth. It'll let him know that you're available to him. and that sex is on your mind, too.

7. Play with toys.

Leave the Barbies at home, but definitely do pack the vibrators, blindfolds, whatever you like. 'Get yourself a whole basket of sex toys,' suggests Cadell. You may have a few new items already, thanks to your bachelorette party. 'Vibrators are great if you're making love in a position in which the penis doesn't directly stimulate the clitoris,' says Cadell. 'The most important thing is to have fun,' says Rocco. Isn't that what you're there for, anyway?

In the real world: The next time you send him off to pick up bread and milk, add 'creative sex toy of your choice' to his shopping list. It'll make a fun diversion for him in the supermarket - he'll be able to find everything from a feather duster to a can of whipped cream there - and it'll insure that he comes straight home with those groceries.

8. Get mouthy.

Guys love oral sex, period. Whether you're a complete novice or know all the right moves, if you're willing to give, he'll be more than happy to receive. and to reciprocate. 'Enthusiasm is far more important than technique,' says Kuriansky. The basic thing to remember is that his penis is simply an extension of the rest of him. 'You should kiss, touch and love it the way you would every other part of his body,' says Cadell. The most drive-him-wild destination on a man is his frenulum, a spot on the underside of the penis that looks almost like a seam. Licking and sucking that spot will send him spiraling into seventh heaven. To get his pulse really racing, suck on a piece of ice or take a sip of hot tea before going down on him. The sudden temperature change will send him into utter ecstasy.

In the real world: Raid the fridge for food and drink to add flavor to the festivities. For example, try squeezing a fresh mango over his penis, or massaging him with chocolate pudding and then licking it off. Just be sure, of course, to choose something you like to eat. and something that won't make him break out in hives.

9. Get in touch with yourself.

Masturbation is just plain erotic. especially when you're doing it simultaneously. But even more important, it's a great way to teach your hubby how you like to be touched. and to learn his personal hand technique, too. 'It's a very important part of your sexual knowledge,' says Rocco. So go ahead, reach down there, and have him do the same. And be sure to keep your eyes open, so you can share the experience. 'Tell your lover what you're thinking,' says Cadell. Once you've taught him how to master your masturbation style, just think of all the other, less intricate things he'll be able to learn (like how to change a roll of toilet paper!).

In the real world: Not in the mood for intercourse, but still feeling hot and bothered? Cuddle up with your cutie for some tandem touching. What a nice way to fall asleep together!

10. Go G-spot hunting.

Every man wants to find it, and every woman wants to be sure she has it. Your honeymoon is a great time to go exploring. 'The G-spot is usually located about one-and-a-half inches inside the vagina,' says Cadell, 'about a third of the way between the vaginal opening and the cervix.' You'll know you've found it when you feel a spot with a ridged texture that responds to gentle stroking. (Some women will even ejaculate.) But it really doesn't matter if you find the Golden Fleece or not, the pleasure is in the pursuit. 'It's a great excuse to try different positions and experiment,' says Rocco. And if you don't hook the big one right away, just think of it as the perfect ploy go fishing again later.

In the real world: Keep that pursuit of happiness alive. You may be back to the daily grind workwise, but that doesn't mean fun time should be the same-old, same-old. Spend one night a week trying new ways to bring each other to orgasm. Lick, stroke, suck, nibble and touch your way to mutual euphoria. And don't worry if you can never quite find that super spot. After all, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

When you're a newlywed, sex is...how can we put it...really hot. But chances are that "we-can't-take-our-hands-off-each-other" feeling isn't going to be there at all times throughout your marriage. Just as there are natural ebbs and flows in life, your sex life will likely also experience ups and downs. Now, don't panic! Just because the two of you might not always feel the same intensity as you did when you were first married doesn't necessarily mean you're no longer in love, or that sex will never be as satisfying again. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite, say relationship experts. These transitions are normal, even healthy, because they force couples to take stock of their union, and to make adjustments and changes that ultimately strengthen their sexual bond-and the marriage as a whole.

We've put together this "road map" for your sex life because we think that being aware of the impact that certain twists and turns ahead might have is the best way to deal with them. Better yet, we believe this guide can help you ensure a fabulously satisfying sex life through your golden anniversary-and beyond.

Milestone: One Year

Likely sex life scenario: You already might have lost a bit of that super-hot lovin' feeling.
Challenge: You want to recapture your newlywed "euphoria."

After about a year or so of marriage, you might not feel the same burning passion you had for each other right after the wedding, say experts. "That's because romantic ideals get tested around the 18-month mark," explains Sandra Scantling, Psy.D., a psychologist in Farmington, Connecticut, and an intimacy expert for Sexualwellbeing.com, a website that promotes sexual health and intimacy. "Behaviors you used to find endearing may have become irritating. For example, the juicy kisses you once loved may begin to feel slobbery, or his cute way of chewing on soda straws has become annoying. Plus, intimacy takes a hit when couples start locking horns over the mundane details of daily life that don't automatically resolve themselves, like who emptied the dishwasher last."

"After I'd been married a year, I started to feel resentful that my husband always sat on the couch, watching television, while I did most of the housework," says Alexis Blunden*, 31, from Wycoff, New Jersey. "That made me none too eager to hop in the sack later on that night. It's hard to get turned on while you're 'keeping score' of who's doing what around the house."

So, how do you get yourselves back on track? Start by simply accepting the fact that your feelings are perfectly normal, says Scantling, and that you can get the passion back. Then, instead of just wondering "What went wrong?", directly address the issues or problems that are getting in the way of your good time. In the case of the aforementioned moist kisses, tell your husband that you love smooching with him, but you'd like to try kissing this way for a while (then show him!). As for the household-chores issue, it's time to speak up. Tell him, calmly, that you need him to pitch in around the house more, and then work out a schedule of chores you can both live with. "It's important to come to the marriage bed without anger and resentment," says Scantling, "and communication is the best way to accomplish this."

"When I told my husband I was angry about feeling like a 1950s housewife, he felt really bad and agreed to take on more household responsibilities," reports Blunden. "Now, when I see him pushing the vacuum around the house or cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, I kind of get turned on!"

Milestone: Five Years

Likely sex life scenario: Good sex doesn't just happen the way it used to-and it may have become a bit routine.
Challenge: You have to work a little harder to keep sex great.

Like many couples who've been married five years, you might find the sexual excitement and spontaneity are no longer there. Your lovemaking sessions may rarely vary-they last the same amount of time, and you use the same moves over and over again. There are several reasons for this: Some couples hit a sexual rut where they simply get comfortable and don't have to put in a lot of effort, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page Books). For other couples, different priorities-work, family-have begun to trump their ability to have fresh, exciting, creative sex.

"My husband and I are still very much in love, but sex is not like what it used to be when we got married, five-and-a-half years ago, because we have kids," says Ginny Byham*, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. "We both work full-time, and, when we come home, we want to spend as many hours with the children as possible, so there's less time for us. When we do make love-generally twice a week-it's usually over pretty quickly, and then we both fall asleep, exhausted."

Of course, not having children can affect your sex life as much as having them. Erin Hill*, 24, from Edmond, Oklahoma, has been married for six years and has spent the last two trying to have a baby. "We're timing my cycle, and, when I'm ovulating, I just want to have sex because I want a baby," she says. "In many ways, it has become a means to an end, and that's taken some of the fun and passion out of it."

Whatever the reasons for a less-than-thrilling sex life, it's important to do something about it now if you're not satisfied, because the years following your five-year anniversary are the most crucial time in your marriage to solidify your sexual bond. (Note: Some couples are happy with routine, and that's okay, too, says Tessina.) Recent statistics from the National Center for Health Statistics found that couples who divorce most commonly do so after 7.2 years of marriage (ever hear of "the seven-year itch"?)-often citing a declining sex life as a major factor.

So, do whatever it takes right now to get excited about sex again. Too busy? Trade babysitting services with friends to make time for leisurely Saturday afternoon lovemaking sessions. (Byham and her husband recently dropped their kids off with Byham's parents for an overnight visit, and they spent the night at a romantic inn nearby.) "And, don't let 48 hours go by without some sort of physical contact," says Scantling. "Even if you can't have intercourse, kiss deeply, hold hands, rub each other's shoulders, just be affectionate. Touching improves intimacy." Also, it's never too late to start mixing things up in the bedroom in order to infuse some excitement into your marriage, adds Scantling. For example, instead of going straight from stacking the dishwasher to bed, cuddle up together with a glass of wine-this'll force you to build a slow, exciting burn. Take turns sharing your sexual fantasies, and then make them come true for each other. Buy erotic videos, pick up some sexy-smelling massage oil and give each other sensual rub-downs, try out a few new positions-whatever turns you on.

Milestone: 10 Years

Likely sex life scenario: You might be thinking, "When's the last time we had sex?"
Challenge: You want to make sex a top priority again.

After a decade of marriage, you might notice that you're having sex infrequently. "When you're married for a long time, sex is a wonderful museum just down the street from your house," says Carolyn Rodgers*, 35, from Richmond, Virginia, married for 12 years. "You know it's great, but it's always there, so you just don't take advantage of it as much as you should." The most common reason for this, according to relationship experts? Couples usually say they're "too busy."

It's no wonder couples feel they have little time for sex: In your mid-thirties to forties, you've likely reached a senior-level position at work and have a growing family to take care of and nurture. Not only that, you're now coping with more complicated parenting issues, like juggling the children's lesson and play schedules and helping the older kids make the sometimes difficult transition into pre-adolescence. In short, neither of you has the emotional or physical energy to spare for sex right now, says Tessina.

So, how do you overcome these sexual roadblocks? First, "Forget the excuse that you have no time for sex," says Scantling. "Yes, it's a challenge to fit it in because your responsibilities are greater than they were 10 years ago, but you must realize that your relationship will shrivel up if you don't nurture it. You have to feed it in the same way you feed your body." So, just as you would make time for an important meeting at work or a school appointment for the kids, you should make time for sex with your spouse. "If you have to, sit down with your husband, get out your calendars and schedule time together-then stick to it," says Scantling. Don't think of it as "scheduling sex"-instead, see it as setting aside some much-needed time alone together that might lead to lovemaking.

Another option for the time-impaired: Consider reinventing your definition of good sex. "Intercourse doesn't have to be on the agenda at all times, as long as you stay connected physically," says Scantling. For Rodgers and her husband, that means cuddling on the couch while they read or watch TV and holding hands during walks. "All these things keep us prepped to turn on the heat when we're able!" she says.

Milestone: 20 Years

Likely sex life scenario: You're probably cuddling more often than actually getting horizontal.
Challenge: Your sex life might need a serious tune-up.

Congratulations! Not only have you built a wonderful life together, you've beaten the odds-statistics show that over half of all American unions end in divorce. That's not to say things are perfect when it comes to your sex life, however. Some common desire sappers around this marital milestone include "blue" feelings associated with children leaving the nest and body image issues. You and your husband may have put on some extra weight in recent years, thanks to your slowing metabolisms, and-yikes!-gravity isn't doing either of you any favors. In short, these changes might be making you feel less attractive than when you were younger.

Plus, "When couples have traveled down the road of life together for many years, sex might feel downright stale," says Scantling. "They've accepted certain 'truths' about their interests, fantasies and preferences, and never reassessed them. In other words, what you think he enjoys (like your blowing in his ear) may not be a turn-on for him any longer-and vice versa. You need to take inventory and, if necessary, shake things up."

Lisa McLeod, 40, from Atlanta, Georgia, has been married for almost 20 years and admits she and her husband are having exactly this experience. "I can't figure out how we went from having sex twice a day to me thinking, 'I have 30 e-mails to write, so how long will this take?' " she says. The good news: Becoming more sexually adventurous and creative shouldn't be too hard at this stage in your lives. You've been married for a long time and should feel really comfortable discussing your needs and desires openly and explicitly. So, talk to each other about certain moves you like and don't like, and ones you both want to try. And, don't be afraid to bring sexual aids into the mix. For example, create a "toy chest" filled with massage oil, mood music, a feather and other sexual enhancers.

That's exactly McLeod and her husband's goal for the coming year. "All sex is not going to be honeymoon sex, but you do need to keep having it so you won't forget how," she says. "One day the kids will leave the nest, your phone will stop ringing and all your work will be done. When that time comes, you'll want to look back and be glad you did whatever it took to have great sex."

The 3 Golden Rules of Great Sex

Whether you've been married for a day or decade, there are a few must-dos when it comes to keeping the spark alive, says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in San Francisco and staff sexologist at Mypleasure.com, an online retailer. Here, his top three sizzling-sex tips:

1. Set aside time for dates. "Couples stop dating when they get married, which means they no longer think of their partners as someone they're wooing," Gardos says. "You need to keep wooing each other." So, remember what it was like before you walked down the aisle. Dress up for dinners out together, and give each other romantic little gifts once in a while. These gestures will help set the mood for romance.

2. Accentuate the positive. Don't ever tell your spouse you're bored or unsatisfied in bed. Instead, let him know what he's doing feels good, but that you've always wished he could "do this"-and then show him exactly what you mean. "Communicating about sexual wants and desires helps keep things spicy," says Gardos.

3. Never stop laughing. "Funny things happen during sex," Gardos says. "You try a position and fall on your face, you find yourself making funny noises-and you might look and feel ridiculous. But all of this is okay. Sex is supposed to be fun! You should never feel embarrassed with your partner-self-consciousness will only inhibit you."

After he said ‘I do' two years ago, Donald* expected his sex life to take a swift swan dive. “I'd always heard married guys long for more excitement,” says the Washington, D.C., resident. “But that didn't happen at all. My wife is amazing and fulfills all my sexual needs completely. My perspective on sex has totally changed since I got married.”

Once men shed their bachelorhood and take on the new role of husband, many find themselves, like Donald, questioning the things they thought they always “knew” about great sex. To get the inside scoop, we spoke to married men about some very personal. yet universal. experiences. Here are a few lessons we learned.

Married Men Know: Great sex starts with good communication.

“Almost every married couple I've seen says that sex gets better over time,” says Gerald R. Weeks, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and board certified sexologist based in Las Vegas, Nevada. “That's because the longer two people are together, the more comfortable they get with each other's bodies and sharing their likes and dislikes.” John*, from Houston, Texas, who has been married for almost 13 years, says that the key to great communication. and thus mind-blowing sex. is having a supportive partner who's willing to explore new sexual avenues. “If I read about an interesting position in a magazine, I know that I can ask my wife about it and she won't judge me,” he says. “Thankfully, she's very adventurous. While she has her boundaries, she'll pretty much try anything.”

But communicating about sex isn't always easy for men, especially those who aren't generally comfortable with sharing their feelings, says Weeks. He's worked with many men who worry, for example, that if they ask their wives to perform a certain sexual act, play out a fantasy or wear something sexy for them, they'll be perceived as selfish or demanding.

To help a male client get over his fears and open up to his wife, Weeks asks the couple to give each other hand or back massages and then verbalize two things to each other as they go along: 1) what feels good about what their partner is doing, and 2) what they would like their partner to do differently. “use more pressure there,” or “move your hand to the left,” for example. “It's a whole lot easier to talk about what you want or what feels good when you're talking about a back massage than it is to talk about any kind of erogenous stimulation,” he explains. After they've gotten used to communicating in this way, Weeks moves the couple on to more intimate types of touching exercises until they feel comfortable discussing explicit desires.

Weeks also recommends that couples read sexual self-help books together and then talk about the things they find interesting. 'Having a book and ‘homework' will help you talk about sex in a less threatening and more neutral way,' he says.

Married Men Know: To have great sex, you must make it a top priority.

'Men often underestimate the extent to which different stresses in life, like work, family and financial pressures, can inhibit desire,' says New York City-based clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Regan Books). Andy*, from Cranford, New Jersey, who has been married for six years, admits that he sometimes unintentionally puts sex on the back burner. 'It is really easy to get caught up with my job, the kids, doing household chores, and the million other responsibilities that I have,' he says. 'It's not hard to take for granted the relationship that should be at the core of everything.'

To make sure he and his wife have that all-important alone time to focus solely on each other and their relationship, they plan a ‘date night' at least once a month. 'Sometimes we'll go out, and other times we'll drop the kids off at their grandparents' house, grab a video and cuddle on the couch,' he says. The couple also goes away for the weekend every year on their anniversary. Last year, they spent a few days in the Berkshire Mountains, in Massachusetts. 'There's nothing like being in a bed-and-breakfast inn in the middle of winter to rekindle the romantic fire,' he says.

To keep sex from getting routine, Weeks encourages couples to constantly introduce new things in the bedroom. 'Novelty is the greatest aphrodisiac,' he says. He also suggests keeping a running list of positions or techniques that each of you would like to try together, and to make an effort to pick something off each other's list every week. 'Over time, you will develop a repertoire of things that you both like to do. a sort of ‘Chinese menu' from which you can select things, depending on your mood.'

'It's easy to fall into a pattern of doing the missionary position every night at 11 p.m.,' admits John. 'But this type of routine gets boring real fast, and eventually neither partner is going to want to do it at all anymore. That's why the longer you are together, the more important it is to find ways to break out of the rut. Fun and spontaneity are key in lovemaking.'

Chris*, from Millville, New Jersey, says that after 20 years of marriage and two children, he's learned it's important to put time and effort into romancing his wife the way he did when they were dating. At least once a week, he brings her flowers, writes love notes or buys her a little present. Sometimes he'll even have a bubble bath waiting for her when she gets home from work. 'I've learned that making my wife happy and showing her how much I love her on a regular basis makes our sex life so much better because it inspires her to do nice things for me as well,' he says. 'And when you're both trying to make each other happy all the time, great sex just sort of happens.'

Married Men Know: It's not just about 'doing it.'

Before they're married, men tend to get stuck on the idea that sex always has to be about penetration, says Kerner. 'A lot of guys focus on intercourse as the apogee of sexual pleasure, and their own and their partner's orgasm as the Holy Grail,' he says. 'But in reality, most couples have a better chance of winning the lottery than they do of consistently having simultaneous orgasms.' After marriage, many men learn that giving and receiving manual and oral stimulation can be complete, and extremely enjoyable, acts of lovemaking all by themselves, says Kerner.

'When I was a bachelor, making sure that my partner was having a good time usually came second to my own satisfaction,' admits Donald. 'But when I got married, that attitude changed drastically. Now I have this deep sense of desire to make sure that my wife is enjoying our experiences together as much as I am. I try really hard never to be selfish in my lovemaking.'

Several years into a marriage, even simple acts of affection can begin to take on a new level of importance, says Weeks. In other words, married men learn what women have known for years: that foot rubs, hand-holding and other sweet gestures can be satisfying expressions of love, even if they don't lead to the mattress mambo.

Married Men Know: The passion may fade a bit, but intimacy deepens.

Some married men are disappointed to discover that the heightened level of physical excitement they shared with their wives at the beginning of their relationship does tend to fade naturally over time. 'When couples are first dating, they'll tell stories about the various places they've had sex and the astronomical number of times they've done it,' says Weeks. 'But after marriage. within two years, typically. that level of red-hot sexual passion tends to diminish.'

However, many guys notice that even as the sparks dwindle, intimacy and compatibility grow. “Married men learn to appreciate sex as a means of expressing the depth of connectedness and friendship that they feel with their wives,” says Weeks. Andy, for example, says that his wife is his best friend, and that their sex life serves in great part to strengthen that bond. “It's gotten to the point where we almost move as one,” he says. “I know exactly what my wife needs at certain times, and she knows what I need. It's like a beautifully choreographed dance we've created thanks to spending every night of the past six years together.”

Twelve years after his wedding, John Testa, from Houston, Texas , is thrilled with his still-wild sex life. 'My wife, Lisa, and I try to keep the spontaneity we had when we first got together,' he says. 'In fact, once Lisa threw out her back while we were doing it on a lawn chair, on our balcony. We told our friends that she slipped and fell, but no one really believed us. They still think of us as newlyweds.'

Even if your love life isn't as adventurous as John and Lisa's, finding ways to keep it fun is crucial in a marriage. 'If a couple experiences sexual boredom, that usually means there's relationship boredom, which often leads to detachment and resentment-all of which can diminish the quality of a marriage over time,' explains Gerald R. Weeks, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and board certified sexologist based in Las Vegas, Nevada.

So how do you keep married sex hot? For this story, we decided to get the male point of view. We asked husbands what they think, and boy, did they open up (especially when we promised to use their first names only)! Read on to learn what sex 'rules' these guys think every wife should follow.

Rule #1

'Be creative, uninhibited and willing to try new things.'

Remember when you were a teenager and sex was a thrill (and perhaps a bit illicit)? Relive those times by doing things like getting down and dirty in the backseat of your car, suggests Chris, from Millville, New Jersey , who has been married for 19 years. 'Stuff we did way back when becomes exciting again eight or nine years into the marriage,' he says. Peter, from Columbus, Ohio , has been married for a little over a year. He finds it thrilling to make love with his wife while staying at their parents' homes because 'there's this feeling you're going to get caught,' he says.

Sometimes all it takes to spice things up is a change of scenery. If you usually make love in bed, suggest a shag under a blanket at the beach or a vertical rendezvous in the shower. Says Daniel, from Arlington, Virginia , who has been married for seven years: "There are many rooms in a house-use them all."

Creativity is key as well, says Adam, from New York City , who's been married for two years. "The best thing my wife ever did for me was to cover her chest in chocolate sauce and greet me at the door when I came home from work," he recalls. "All of the normal excuses-'I'm tired,' 'Let's do it tomorrow,' et cetera-flew right out the window."

David, from Cranford, New Jersey , who has been married for about six years, encourages women to liberate themselves from the idea that sex toys are somehow 'wrong.' "Toys really heat things up because they add variety and spice to your normal routine," he says. If you think your fiance would be offended if you brought one home, David has this to say: "Some guys think a vibrator is going to take their place. To those men, I say: 'If you don't pay attention to your woman, maybe a vibrator will take your place, and maybe it should. But if you are an attentive partner, using toys your wife will go crazy over will only enhance the intimacy you share.' "

Rule #2

"Don't be afraid to share all your sexual desires and fantasies."

Stephen, from Potomac Falls, Virginia , says that he's grateful his wife of almost seven years is as open about sex as he is. "We've been talking about our sexual likes and dislikes since our first date, and it has really kept us in sync," he says. "We know exactly how to drive each other wild in bed, and we use that knowledge to our advantage often."

Indeed, if there's something that you're interested in trying-like a new position or foreplay technique-by all means speak up, say our guys. When David and his wife went to Las Vegas for their five-year anniversary, she surprised him by suggesting that they visit an all-female strip club. "My wife is straight, but I bought a lap dance for her, and it was a major turn-on for us both," he says. "Later, we went back to the hotel and had amazing sex. My feeling is that if a woman is comfortable with that kind of stuff, she needs to bring it up. Guys are good at fixing things, but we can't read minds!"

Sometimes you have to be persistent, adds Peter. "My wife once tried getting me to open up about my sexual fantasies, but I was pretty cagey," he says. "So one day she brought home an adult movie and hinted that, if I wanted, she'd fulfill what was happening on screen. And I certainly wanted."

Rule #3

"Woo us as often as possible-it makes us feel manly."

Stephen says one thing that has definitely helped keep the spark lit in his marriage is that he and his wife have never stopped trying to win each other's heart. They e-mail each other throughout the day just to say "I'm thinking about you" or "I can't wait to see you," and when they go out with friends they'll shoot playful glances at each other over the dinner table. "Always try to court each other the way you would if you were still dating and trying to impress your partner," he advises. "Think about it: Would you come to bed in a flannel nightgown with cream on your face, or would you slip on something sexy? Of course you'd do the latter. The minute you stop paying attention to these kinds of details, you've given up, and intimacy can easily evaporate."

David adds that even an innocent touch from his wife during the day can get his juices flowing. "She may reach over and scratch the back of my head or touch my arm while I'm driving, and she's also really good at giving foot rubs," he says. "If you have that physical contact throughout the day, by the time you're ready for bed you're anxious for more."

Chris and his wife have weekly "date nights," something they've done every week since exchanging "I dos" almost two decades ago. They also regularly go away for romantic weekends without their two teenage daughters, buy each other little 'just because' gifts and cards, and leave love notes for each other around the house. "If you regularly do nice, maybe unexpected, things for your partner, good sex will always follow," he says.

Perhaps what men like most is when their wives tell them how sexy they are. "I love it when my wife slaps my butt while I'm wearing her favorite jeans or tells me that my 'almost-six pack' is really shaping up," says Adam. "Just knowing that she finds me attractive is a big turn-on." Adds John, "I used to be very self-conscious about my sexual performance-about my size, how long I lasted, you name it. But Lisa tells me all the time how great I am in bed and how well-endowed she thinks I am. She's got me thinking that I know everything and that I'm the biggest guy in the world, and that makes me want to prove it to her again and again."

Rule #4

"Look hot and feel good about your body-it's a huge turn-on."

Men are visual creatures, so capitalize on that. "I love it when my wife wears sexy clothes, especially when she wears a low-cut blouse without a bra," says Chris. "When we go out, I see other guys checking her out, and while I wouldn't say that turns me on, it definitely motivates me to want to be a better man for her." And don't underestimate the power of lingerie. "Show me a guy who doesn't enjoy sexy underwear and I'll show you a guy who's dead," says David.

Stephen adds that it's also important for both partners to take care of themselves physically-by eating healthfully and exercising. "I work just as hard to try to stay in shape and to look as attractive to my wife now as I did when we were dating, and she does the same for me," he says.

But perhaps being comfortable in your own skin-no matter how you look or dress-is the most important step in keeping sex hot over the long term, says John. "Between the time Lisa and I met and got married, she'd gained about 60 pounds," he says. "Now her weight is way back down again, but during that time she was never ashamed of her body-and that made her even sexier to me."

All in all, finding happily-ever-after in bed requires some effort-from both partners. But while you're "working" away, just think of all the fun you'll be having.

Play dress-up.

Keep your eyes open. During intercourse, hold eye contact the entire time, recommends Schwartz. 'Doing this will make the moment more intimate, sexy and memorable,' she says.

Take age-old advice. Those who practice Tantric sex follow the pleasure principles outlined in the Tantra, an ancient Indian spiritual text-usually with mind-blowing results! Surprise your new husband by focusing on his lingam (penis, in Sanskrit), says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a board certified clinical sexologist in Los Angeles. Try:

(1) Spiraling the Stalk: Using a lubricant, encircle your hands around his penis, one on top of the other. Simultaneously and gently, twist one hand in one direction and the other the opposite way.

(2) Making the Fire: Softly rub your husband's lubricated penis with both hands as if rubbing a stick to ignite a spark.

(3) The Thousand Yonis (yoni is the Sanskrit word for vagina): Rub his lubricated penis from the top to the bottom, covering the head and sliding your hands down to the base with one hand after the other, in a fluid motion. 'For the man, this feels like he is entering a thousand different vaginas-or the same vagina a thousand times,' says Cadell.

Moves to Try At Least Once

You've heard the rumors: Married sex can become a little ho-hum as the years pass. But that'll only happen if you let it. Once in a while, pull something out of this bag of feel-good tricks:

Use props you already have on-hand. Good sex is creative. So, consider introducing common household items into your foreplay routine, suggests Cadell. A rolling pin makes a terrific massager, for instance. A spatula can be used for a little playful spanking. Or go to the laundry room and make love on top of your tumble dryer while it's on the spin cycle. 'Don't forget to christen all of your furniture as well,' she adds.

Eat dessert. 'Cover your husband in one of your favorite sweets-Jell-O, chocolate sauce, strawberries-or, even better, squash a ripe mango and massage it around his penis,' suggests Cadell. 'Then, devour it-and him.'

Get tied up. Everyone should try light bondage, says Paget. It can be exciting to relinquish control to, or to have control over, someone you completely trust. If ropes or handcuffs feel too scary, try using soft scarves or neckties. Then, take turns having your way with each other.

Watch each other. Only you know what feels the best to your body, so show each other how it's done, says Paget. The act of watching is not only informative, but can be a huge turn-on.

Play with toys. 'When you say 'sex toy,' a lot of people think you're talking about a giant rubber penis or a vibrator,' says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a sex therapist in San Francisco and founder of the online sex-product retailer Mypleasure.com. 'But there are so many other fun things out there.' Buy some chocolate body frosting, massage oil or a sexual board game. 'Bringing new things into the bedroom adds novelty to your routine,' he says.

Share your fantasies. It can be hard to open up about things you've always dreamed of doing sexually, says Gardos. 'But muster up the courage to do it, even if it requires a couple glasses of wine,' he says. 'Sharing these things with your partner can build a deeper bond of intimacy and trust.' Of course, if you're both comfortable with those fantasies, fulfill them for each other.

Enter through the back door. Anal sex is taboo for many people. 'Guys think it's a 'gay thing,' as if somehow gay men have different nerve endings than straight men,' says Gardos. 'And some women think it'll be painful. But if you take it slow and use lots of lubrication, it shouldn't be.' If penetration is too big a step for you, try just touching, tickling or licking each other's perineum, the area between the anus and the opening of the vagina or the base of the testicles. This can be enormously pleasurable for both women and men.

Tried-and-True Moves

Think of these as your 'speed dial' sexual maneuvers. They'll never fail you.

Go 'missionary.' You may call it 'vanilla,' but research shows that the missionary position-where the man lies on top of the woman during intercourse-is still the most popular one around. Trust the numbers.

Talk dirty. Phone sex is a turn-on for most red-blooded males, says Cadell. Shy? Don't try to act like a porn star-just say what you want to do to him tonight. 'If you can think it, you can speak it,' she adds.

Be spontaneous. The element of surprise never gets old, says Cadell. Slip into the shower with your spouse, meet at home for a lunchtime 'quickie,' or head out to the garage after dinner for a make-out session in the back seat of your car.

Stock your bookshelves. Buy manuals describing fun sexual activities and periodically consult them for fresh ideas, suggests Paget. When you're in the mood for something new, throw open a book on the bed and try whatever idea is revealed on that page.

Enjoy a laugh. Play strip poker, decorate each other with body paint, have a pillow fight-do things that aren't about having intercourse, but about having fun together in an intimate way, recommends Gardos. It'll relax you, and help reduce any insecurites you have about your bodies, sharing your fantasies or opening yourselves up in other ways.

Ignore the 'finish line.' One of the biggest sexual myths is that both partners always have to orgasm in order for love-making to be enjoyable, says Gardos. 'Don't be so goal-oriented,' he says. Take more time to enjoy just being together and experiencing all those pleasurable sensations, not only the big moments.

Don't make assumptions. Everyone's body responds differently from one day to the next, so never assume that, just because your husband liked the move you tried last night, he wants you to do it every night from now on, says Schwartz. Instead, when you're doing something you think he likes, ask him, 'How does that feel?' Find out what he needs today. Tomorrow is another day.

The best part of your wedding just may happen after the guests go home and you slip out of your fancy clothes. After all, it's your wedding night and the two of you want to be alone together. You want to make it special, but you don't want to burden it with too-high expectations.

"Today, there seems to be more pressure to make this night amazing and to do something that's 'wow'-perhaps because many people live together before getting married," says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist in Los Angeles and the author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love (Peters Publishing). "But you don't have to make a big production for it to be a wonderful time. There are a lot of little things that couples can do." Here, some simple ways to make your wedding night memorable.

1) Flirt with each other during the wedding. Sure, you're busy attending to guests, but take the time to meet each other's gaze, touch each other's arm or hand and steal some kisses. These little things keep you focused on each other, and build anticipation as the wedding night approaches.

2) Fill your room with fragrance. "Scents are carried to your brain's emotional center, where they can stimulate memories, emotions and moods. They soothe, relax, energize or arouse," explains Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., codirector of the New York Center for Women's Sexual Health at Columbia University Medical Center and the author of Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need and Desire (Putnam). If you're staying in a hotel room, arrange to have a bouquet of flowers put by the bed, as well as scented candles. You can also sprinkle a few drops of essential oil on your sheets. Try ylang-ylang, sandalwood, lavender or jasmine-scents that are said to increase arousal and sexual desire.

3) Let him carry you across the threshold. You're guaranteed to be swept off your feet! This romantic tradition, which dates from Roman times, when it was said to ensure good luck for the couple, is fun for both partners. Go from there to giving each other foot massages (you've been standing all day), and progress as slowly-or as quickly-as you like to a sensual full-body massage.

4) Set the night to music. Load the CD player with your spouse's favorite tunes, and put it on when you enter your hotel room. "Or have a CD of your first dance playing softly in the background as you enter the honeymoon suite," suggests Janet Dunnington, owner of CEO Weddings & Events, an event-planning and production company in Manchester, Vermont.

6) Make a love list. "Record a DVD of yourself telling your husband all the things you love about him-he can make one for you, too," says Cadell. Start by letting your partner know that you can't wait to spend the rest of your life as a twosome, and then list the physical, mental and emotional things about him that you love. These can be everything from his charmingly crooked smile to his wry sense of humor.

7) Feed each other. "It's a great way to get intimate before you get intimate," says Dr. Hutcherson. Put a bowl of strawberries, melon balls, chocolate truffles or other succulent snack by the bed to nibble on.

8) Use aphrodisiacs. "Many people swear by the effects of certain foods, but there are some that really can boost your libido," says Dr. Hutcherson. Chocolate contains caffeine and a feel-good chemical called phenylethylamine, both of which may put you in the mood for sex. Also try honey, which contains boron, or oysters, which contain zinc. Those minerals may increase the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire.

9) Play "Find the Honey." For this game, blindfold your partner, put a dab of honey (or another sweet sauce, like chocolate or caramel) somewhere on your body and then have him find it (giving a few hints is a fun part of the game). "It's cute, fun, erotic and playful," says Cadell. Remember to take turns!

10) Get his-and-hers massages. Arrange to get massages in your hotel room right after the wedding. This will help work out any stressful kinks in your bodies, ease tired-from-dancing feet, and get you both in a very relaxed and cozy state of mind.

11) Re-create the first time. "Many women tell me that the first time they had sex with their partner was the most exciting," says Dr. Hutcherson. "If your wedding night isn't the first time, think back to it and try to relive some part of it." For example, you can listen to the same CD you played back then, wear the same perfume or write down what it was about that first time that was so exciting, and read it out loud.

12) Change the lighting. Surprise your partner by replacing an everyday lightbulb with a red or blue one. "This creates a soft, romantic glow," says Dr. Hutcherson. Or, have a bridesmaid, the hotel concierge or your wedding planner fill the room with rows and rows of candles and light them just before you arrive.

13) Leave something sexy on the bed. Buy your groom some silky boxers or pj's, and lay them out so they're waiting for him. Or guys can buy the bride some fancy lingerie. Either way, this sets a fun, sexy tone.

14) Indulge in playthings. "Before your wedding night, decide that each of you will buy a sex toy that you want your partner to use on you," says Dr. Hutcherson. "This way you both feel comfortable with the idea, and you can have fun trying them out."

15) Bliss out in the tub. Prepare beforehand for a romantic bath. Think rose petals, massage oils and candles, as well as sponges or loofahs to wash each other with. Just turn the water on and enjoy.

16) Relax! Realize the pressure is off. Take the time to talk about your amazing day. Get romantic; make out the way you did when you first met. All of this will make the sex more intimate and thrilling.

17) Have a treasure hunt. Hide sweet (and sexy) items around the room and give him a list of clues, suggests Tasha Bracken, principal design coordinator of Simple Details, an event-planning company. For example, hide chocolates, a bottle of champagne, a CD of your favorite songs, and so on. The final "find" can be you-soaking in the tub or cuddled beneath the covers.

18) Stroll down memory lane. Decorate the room with playful, romantic pictures of the two of you, says Bracken. (Think funny or poignant!) You can also burn a DVD with a slide show of these special photos set to music, and arrange to have it playing when you get back to the room.

19) Paint a rosy future. Cadell suggests writing down some private vows. One example: "To love each other. To help each other. To believe in each other." Another is: "We are committed to providing understanding and forgiveness. To creating a partnership that can grow mentally, physically, sexually and spiritually."

20) Do not disturb. The most important tip for making your wedding night sexy and romantic? "Don't invite friends and family back to your room after the reception," says Bracken. Need we say more?

Marriage license bureaus generally require you to pay in cash, and in most places both bride and groom must apply together, in person. You'll need specific identification - in many states a photo ID (like a driver's license) and Social Security card will suffice, but other places may require a certified birth certificate. (Also bring your divorce decree if you're divorced, or a death certificate if you're widowed.) The majority of states have dropped the blood test requirement, but some do retain it or another medical requirement, as listed below.

Once you have your marriage license, don't lose it! You'll give it to your officiant before the ceremony, where you two and the officiant (and in some states your witnesses) will sign it. Then he or she will mail it in to the license bureau and generally you'll get a certified marriage certificate by mail after a few weeks. Hold on to that in case you need to show proof of marriage in the future. Getting your license may not be the most romantic part of planning your wedding, but it is an essential one.

License Application Questions

Most marriage license bureaus have informational recordings to tell you everything you need to know, but make sure you get answers to the following questions before you head to the courthouse:

• Do we need an appointment or can we walk in to the license bureau?
• Exactly what identification do we need? (e.g., Birth certificate, driver's license, Social Security card, other)
• What is the fee and must we pay cash?
• Do we both need to apply in person?
• How long is the license valid?
• Is there a waiting period?
• Is there a residency requirement (if your wedding will be held in a county you don't live in)?
• Do we need blood tests or other medical certification?

General requirements by state

Where possible, we've included a link to the state's informational site, but many states don't yet post their marriage license requirements online. All of this information is subject to change so please do call your local marriage license bureau to confirm the facts - and please let us know if you spot any outdated information.

Note that many states will let a bride or groom below the stated minimum age marry with parental and/or court consent; call your local marriage bureau for specifics.

Alabama

Alaska

Arizona

Arkansas

California

Minimum Age: 18
Cost: $65 (may vary by location)
Waiting Period: None
Valid For: 60 Days
Blood Test: Not Required
Residency: Not Required
More Information: http://www.dhs.ca.gov/chs/OVR/Marriage/GeneralInfo.htm

Colorado

Connecticut

Delaware

District of Columbia

Florida

Minimum Age: 18
Cost: $88.50; reduced to $56 if the bride and groom attend a four-hour marriage course
Waiting Period: 3 Days
Valid For: 60 Days
Blood Test: Not Required
Residency: Not Required
More Information: http://www.stateofflorida.com/Portal/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabid=30

Georgia

Hawaii

Idaho

Illinois

Indiana

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

Maine

Maryland

Massachusetts

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

Minimum Age: 18
Cost: $35
Waiting Period: None
Valid For: No Expiration
Blood Test: Not Required
Residency: Not Required
More Information: http://www.co.clark.nv.us/clerk/marriage_information.htm

New Hampshire

New Jersey

New Mexico

New York

Minimum Age: 18
Cost: $25
Waiting Period: 2 Days
Valid For: 60 Days
Blood Test: Not Required
Residency: Not Required
More Information: http://www.health.state.ny.us/vital_records/married.htm

North Carolina

North Dakota

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Minimum Age: 18
Cost: $60
Waiting Period: 3 Days
Valid For: 60 Days
Blood Test: Not Required
Residency: Not Required
More Information: http://www.oregon.com/living/weddings/marriage_licenses.cfm (for contact information by county)

Pennsylvania

Rhode Island

South Carolina

South Dakota

Tennessee

Texas

Utah

Vermont

Virginia

Washington

West Virginia

Wisconsin

Wyoming

Your Property

The two of you may have recently moved under the same roof and bought or received as gifts some expensive stuff. Perhaps you've even bought a home together. It's prime time to reassess your property coverage. The type and amount of property you own determine the protection you need. Homeowners insurance covers the cost of replacing the structure of the house, the property inside and the items around it. So if you own a home, you definitely need homeowners insurance.

But if you've bought a condo or co-op, you don't, explains Scott Heiman, vice president of Sussex Financial Group, Inc., an independent insurance agency in Deerfield, Illinois. Typically, the condominium association or cooperative buys coverage for the structure; what you need is to insure your own space. It's less expensive than homeowners since it only insures from the "walls on in," says Heiman, protecting against theft, fire or water damage, for example.

When shopping for any type of homeowners insurance, "Find a policy that provides a guaranteed replacement value rather than actual cash value so that you can replace your property new at today's prices," says Heiman. Also, buy a policy that includes "loss of use," to cover the cost of temporary housing if your place is left uninhabitable. Finally, make sure to adequately total the value of your belongings so you can replace them. Some items, like engagement rings and other jewelry, antiques or artwork, most often exceed the limits of a policy, and need to be listed on a separate "schedule" for an additional cost.

Your Income

When you're at your happiest it's hard to think about the possibility of life not being so promising. But getting married is the ideal time to ponder life insurance, which protects against loss of income due to death, and disability insurance, which pays out if you can't work due to illness or injury. How do you decide what you need? If the two of you have made financial decisions together based on two incomes or the continuation of one income, consider purchasing life insurance, disability insurance or both, advises Howard Sharfman, managing member of the Schwartz Brothers Insurance Agency in Chicago. To determine the amount or type of insurance to buy, Sharfman says to logically play out the scenario. "As unpleasant as it is, couples must ask themselves, 'if something happened to one of us, what would the surviving spouse do and how much would it cost to do it?' "For example, if Jack and Jill earn comparable salaries and Jack moves into Jill's apartment, presumably each could afford to maintain the apartment independently if need be, so they probably have no need for life insurance.

But if Jack and Jill buy a home together, and the mortgage payments, taxes and upkeep of their home rely on both incomes, they should consider term life insurance. "Term life is relatively inexpensive and great for fulfilling a short-term need like paying off a mortgage," says Sharfman. However, if they plan to have a child who will require years of schooling, they should look at a whole or universal life policy, which offers a death benefit and tax-deferred savings.

Right now, notes Sharfman, disability insurance is probably more important than life insurance. The reason: A young person is more likely to become disabled than to die, and a disabled individual continues to consume financially but cannot earn a living. Generally, long-term disability policies kick in after 90 days and a good policy pays benefits through age 65. Benefits are tax free, so if you insure two-thirds of your income you will receive benefits equivalent to 100% of your salary. Premiums vary according to amount of benefit, age and health history.

Employer-provided disability insurance typically covers 60% of pay and is taxable. This means that if you are in a 30% tax bracket, you will receive only 42% of your pay. Therefore, you may need to supplement any employer-provided disability coverage with an individual policy, advises Sharfman.

Your Health

Just because two people get married and become a family, does not mean they need family health coverage. For newlyweds who are covered under their respective employers' group policies, whether to switch to family coverage depends on several factors, including the percentage paid by the employers, the amount of deductibles, and the types of plans and coverage offered.

Keeping single coverage often makes sense, according to Heiman, since employers tend to pay a higher percentage of coverage for employees than for dependents. Many married couples keep their individual coverage and, when they have children, add them to the cheaper plan, Heiman says. Take a look at the numbers to decide what's best. When family coverage is the obvious choice: If one employer pays 100% of the premium, or if one of you is uninsured.

Your Car

And now for the great news: Marriage can save you money on auto insurance! Most insurers offer a multi-car discount, so if you own two cars you can save by placing both on a single policy. Also, marital status improves a young person's rating, meaning lower premiums, explains Sharfman. According to many surveys, most people spend more than they should for car insurance. Make now the time you finally get a policy that makes sense - and that you can afford.

"I'm very careful with my money; I always have been," says Mia Piccolo*, a New York City-based editor who was married in November 2000. "When I met my husband, George*, he was stuck in a revolving door of debt thanks to graduate school. He was paying the minimum amount each month, and figuring that once he finished school he could tackle the balances. He didn't like it, but he had become used to it. But I felt the debt was looming over us; I wanted to start married life debt-free."

Mia's lament is a common one. When two people merge their money, differences in their spending and saving habits quickly come to the fore. And nowhere is this more apparent than in the area of credit-card debt. So what can you do to keep your financial future as promising as your new marriage? In a word: Talk. "We came clean about our credit cards and their balances," says Mia. "Just because you're in love with someone, and know them intimately, doesn't mean you'll know just what cards they have. It's not something that comes up when you're dating."

Know What You've Got

Without looking, can you say how many credit cards are in your wallet? How many are in your fiance's? If you're patting yourself on the back for knowing the correct answers, ask yourself this: What are the interest rates on all those cards? What are the outstanding balances? What's your plan for paying them off? Ah. Now it's time to get specific.

According to Carrie Coghill, coauthor, with Evan Pattak, of The Newlywed's Guide to Investing and Personal Finance (Career Press), the first thing couples should do is take stock. "Lay your cards on the table-literally," she says. Get out statements, and review balances and interest rates.

Second, obtain copies of your personal credit reports. (Contact either TransUnion, 800-888-4213 or tuc.com; or Equifax, 800-685-1111 or equifax.com.) Reviewing that report can be quite an eye-opener. "It shows everything - from credit and charge cards to mortgages and student loans - indicating both open and closed accounts and payment track records," Coghill explains. Double-check all information, and report discrepancies immediately to the credit-card company in question. What you don't know can hurt you: A spotty credit history can hinder your ability to get a mortgage.

When Massachusetts lawyers Beth and Rob Martin married in February 2001, they planned to buy a house, a goal they couldn't accomplish without first having a serious financial discussion. "We reviewed our credit cards," says Beth, "and looked at our credit reports." Thankfully, there were no unpleasant surprises, and the couple bought a home.

Pay 'Em Off, Close 'Em Out

When Mia and George married and she sold the apartment she owned, the couple took a chunk of the proceeds and used them to pay off the balances on both hers and George's cards. "He was hesitant at first to use 'my' money for 'his' debt," says Mia, "but when I explained that the debt was ours now, not just his, and how we'd be at a great financial advantage by starting married life debt-free, he agreed."

After you pay off those cards? Close those accounts! Just make sure you do it the right way. "Cutting up cards and tossing them in the trash doesn't do the whole job," says Rudy Cavazos of Money Management International, in Houston, Texas, which is affiliated with the nonprofit National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC). "Call the credit-card company, tell them you want to close the account, then get the address to which you should send a written request."

Emphasize that you want a "hard" close on the account, says Cavazos, which means you'd have to reapply if you want to open that account again. "A 'soft' close won't show up on your credit report as closed," he explains.

Choosing Credit Wisely

As you're working toward a nice, round zero on that credit-card statement, you should also be reevaluating what cards you'll keep. After all, does it really make sense for both you and your husband to have separate department-store charge cards and separate Visa, MasterCard or American Express accounts? According to Coghill, most couples really only need one joint credit card. You'll reduce the temptation to spend, and you'll only have one statement, which makes record keeping easier. "Use your credit card only when you have to - for car rentals, telephone or internet purchases, and other things that require one," she advises. If you use cash for everything else, like restaurant meals and clothing, you'll likely find yourself spending less.

The question is, how do you know what card is best? According to Cavazos, you should look for three attributes: the lowest possible interest rate; the longest possible grace period (look for a minimum of 25 days); and no annual fee. It's also nice to find a card that gives you some sort of reward, like air miles or points toward hotel stays.

To find cards with the lowest rate, Cavazos suggests going to your own bank first. "Since you have a history with them, they're likely to give you a lower rate-around eight or nine percent." Coghill agrees. "Be honest. Tell them you're looking to eliminate cards," she advises. "Ask them what they're willing to do to keep your business."

Finally, there are great resources on the web for finding low-rate cards, such as bankrate.com. "Shop around for the right credit card just as you would for the right car," says Cavazos.

* These names have been changed.

When Miranda Wallace called her parents to announce her engagement, she expected what we all expect-whoops and hollers, maybe even a few joyful tears. "Instead, my mother reeled off the names of four sites she thought would be best for the reception," recalls the St. Louis attorney. "I knew right then that she'd want complete control of the wedding planning ."

Most of the time, your mom takes things in stride. She's raised you-and probably a few siblings-to adulthood without too many disasters along the way. She maintains a household, juggles family finances and very likely works full-time. Naturally she has her opinions, but she generally lets you live your own life. So what is it about your wedding that's turning her into a control freak? Why do you feel compelled to hide details from her for fear she'll derail your plans? And, most importantly, what can you do to keep your relationship from devolving into an endless string of arguments over the merits of engraved versus thermographed invitations?

Back in Her Day

Before working through your issues with Mom, try to understand what's behind this troubling shift from laissez-faire parent to wedding autocrat. It may well be the way she was raised. "Even if your mom's hip to 21st-century trends, a wedding-your wedding-is likely to bring out the traditionalist in her," warns Danielle Claro, author of How to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) (Berkley, 1995). "Our moms grew up in families where their mothers did the bulk of the wedding planning. Since they didn't work outside the home, they viewed their daughter's wedding as a motherly duty-and as a right." Also, your mother was more likely to have been a younger bride than you are, and-unlike you and your contemporaries-more likely to have been living at home when she wed.

Teddy Lenderman, a wedding consultant from Terre Haute, Indiana, and author with Gerard J. Monaghan of The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Wedding (Alpha Books, 1997), agrees. "Although today's mothers realize that times have changed and that they don't get to take total control, it's still a struggle for them to feel as important to their daughters' weddings as their mothers were to theirs. A wedding is a rite of passage for both of you. A bride who understands that will go a long way toward keeping the peace." In other words, your mother may simply be pining for her little girl.

Setting Boundaries

Advises Claro, "Target her strengths. If she's creative, put her in charge of something artistic, like the flower arrangements. If she's a crack negotiator, let her haggle with the pastry chef while you select the style of cake you want. A mom who's good at making people feel comfortable might be happy tackling the seating arrangements."

"Communication is key," stresses Lenderman. "Take time to find out what's most important to your mom. Is it the church decorations? The favors? Once you've got a sense of her priorities, make sure she gets a voice in those decisions. If it's the menu, for instance, find three different menus you and your fiance like, then let her make the final selection. That way, both of you have your wishes accommodated."

When Things Get Out of Hand

The course of mother-daughter interactions rarely runs perfectly smooth. So if the battles continue despite your best efforts, consider hiring a wedding consultant. A consultant can be a great neutral party; her expertise can help you see opposite sides of an issue. "On several occasions, I've been hired as a referee," says Lenderman. "If a mother and daughter are arguing about which caterer to use, I can lay out the pros and cons objectively and help them reach a compromise. In the end, it saves a lot of stress."

If You Still Disagree

But Colleen's mother was so insistent that in the end Colleen capitulated. "Keeping the peace with Mom was more important than the money," she admits. "And by giving in on the florist, I was able to use the seamstress I wanted instead of the one Mom preferred." Did Colleen do the right thing? Yes: "A smart bride will pick her battles," says Claro. "Let your mom have her way once in a while. Consider it a gift to her."

For Miranda, that meant giving in on the videographer and choice of entree. "I knew Mom would throw a nice party, even if the details weren't exactly what I'd pictured," she says. "And avoiding confrontation with her helped me focus on what was really important-getting married to the man I love."

Buy the Books: OrderHow to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) by Danielle Claro (Berkley, 1995) or The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Weddingby Teddy Lenderman and Gerard J. Monaghan (Alpha Books, 1997) from Amazon.com.

Like I said, it's a fantasy. But I'm still pretty fortunate: In my real-life marriage, there's no animosity; everyone's polite and friendly. Then again, there are no in-law bridge parties either. I've had to change my expectations for the relationship between my parents and my in-laws but, to be honest, the reality works just fine.

'I think that all of us have that myth,' says Leslie Parrott, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist who, with her husband Les Parrott, runs the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. 'We believe that because our respective parents love us and want the best for us, that a relationship between them will naturally form.' When it doesn't, it can be quite a shock. 'Letting go of that myth can be tough.' My husband and I come from the same area. we're both New Yorkers. and share the same religious background. Neither of our sets of parents is divorced. In these days of people marrying across regional, religious, racial and economic lines, not to mention juggling families filled with multiple step-parents, that should have made things a lot easier. But with in-law relationships, 'easy' is a relative term.

'On the cycle of all the important events in the life of a family, a marriage is, in some ways, considered a crisis because it changes so many things that the family has to adjust to,' says. Barbara Zax, Ph.D., co-author of Mending the Broken Bough (Berkley, 1998), a book about mother-daughter relationships. 'With two families coming together, you've got two families dealing with a crisis.'

The Big Meeting

Take heart! You can actually smooth the way before your two sets of parents meet by making sure the picture you paint is a good one. Bone up on the facts about your in-laws. Did either of them go to the same college as your mom or dad? Is someone a real art lover, a Star Wars fan, a phenomenal cook? 'Anything you can do to prep your parents will help,' says Dr. Les Parrott. 'It's important for the bride or groom to show respect for the in-laws so that their own parents see it as well.'

Naturally, that job is harder if, for whatever reason, you don't have much respect or even liking for your future in-laws. And if they or your own parents are divorced and/or remarried, the puzzle gets tougher to complete. Still, the same basic rules apply: You still should try to offer the best possible scenario of your in-laws so that their eventual meeting isn't a disaster. Does your fiancé's mom drive you nuts? Vent to a girlfriend or a therapist. not your mom. 'What you don't show or tell your parents about your future in-laws is just as important,' points out Dr. Zax. 'I've seen lots of harm done in the name of honesty.'

If you've already told your mom that his mother always criticizes your clothes or your cooking, or if you've already confided to your parents that his stepfather is hopeless with money, you may have to do some backpedaling and start pointing out some positive stuff. Above all, remember that getting married is one of those times when maturity is the word of the day. When you think your parents aren't going to like your in-laws, or vice versa, keep two points in mind: These are the people who raised the person you love, and they are going to be the grandparents of children you may someday have.

Your Parents are From Mars…

Your fiancé is, in many ways, a preview of coming attractions. Dr. Zax tells the story of one woman. let's call her Linda. who brought her fiancé, Ted, home into the warm, extroverted, boisterous arms of her family. Overwhelmed by their customary familial camaraderie, Ted backed off, and began shunning family events. His family is formal; the home he grew up in maintained clear separations between parents and children. Thoughtful communication saved the day. Linda gently explained to Ted that her parents weren't trying to take over their lives, only to enjoy their company. And she spoke to her parents to let them know that Ted needed time to adjust to their enthusiasm and not to give up on him.

The meeting of the couple's parents could have been deathly. Yet, when it came time for everyone to get together, Linda forewarned her parents, asking them to tone down their usual exuberance so as not to overwhelm Ted's conservative folks.

In what can be a highly charged emotional situation, it's important for a couple to establish realistic expectations. 'You want to create that relationship but not force it,' says Dr. Les Parrott. 'Remember that these are relationships that your parents wouldn't have chosen if you weren't getting married. But now they have this thing in common, their kids are getting married.' If your parents can develop a friendship. even a superficial one. it'll be beneficial to everybody.

Part of setting realistic expectations is not underestimating your own parents in the equation. 'My parents are fun and easy to get along with,' says Suzanne, who's been married for several years. 'But Michael's parents… I suppose they're well-meaning but they can be both dull and didactic. Conversations aren't give-and-take. they're more like lectures or monologues.' Thinking she was helping, Suzanne took it upon herself to 'save' her parents from her fiancé's, breaking into conversations when they seemed to drag on too long, and always being present when the foursome got together.

But Suzanne was underestimating her folks. 'If Suzanne's parents really are fun and easy to get along with, then they've dealt with couples like this in social situations before,' says Dr. Zax. 'It seems this is more likely Suzanne's issue. her parents and in-laws don't have a problem at all. Suzanne should back out of it; remember that all four parents are adults and can handle it. '

In fact, acting like adults is something brides and grooms should be able to expect from everyone. including themselves. That means that Dad limits his pre-dinner scotches, Mom restrains herself from showing too many baby pictures, ex-husbands and -wives act civil or remain at a distance at family events if necessary, and newlyweds don't ask their parents to be people they are not.

Sometimes, acting civil is the best a couple can hope for. 'There was one situation where the in-laws were competitors in a professional arena,' says Dr. Leslie Parrott. 'One of the fathers was on a board that was trying to oust the other in-law, who was president. That was about as tense as you can imagine. 'We sort of lowered expectations so that, while they didn't expect their families to be friends together, they could create moments that would become traditions and that would create some memories to bind them,' she says. It was important for the couple to leave behind completely the expectation of their parents being friends. 'Basically, they went to their families and said, ‘You love us. We're your kids. We see our marriage as a lifetime commitment so even if it's a high-maintenance relationship for you guys, it's not one you can walk away from because we're in it for the long haul.' It took about two years for some real change to occur,' remarks Dr. Parrott.

Family Practice

To smooth the first meeting. assuming your parents don't know each other from any other setting and also assuming that you've primed them with some well-chosen connections. invite everyone to a neutral place. A restaurant is always good because then nobody is 'in charge.' Another especially effective strategy: Take the initiative during introductions by pointing out similarities and broaching 'talking points.' That way, the parents don't have to scramble to come up with things to say, 'and they feel honored by their kids,' says Dr. Leslie Parrott.

For instance, you might say: 'Mr. Greene, I'd like you to meet my dad. You would have no way of knowing this but he is an unbelievable fly-fisherman.' Your fly-fishing father-in-law will be grateful for the 'in' you've provided, and your dad will be pleased with the compliment.

At first, the newlywed couple can and should act as a bridge for the parents and in-laws. Make those connections. 'Mom, Mr. Curtis went to U.C.L.A., too; Dad, Mrs. Curtis is also a huge John Grisham fan.' But be careful not to overdo the 'running interference' tactic. 'There's no sense in trying to be the mediator forever,' says Dr. Les Parrott. 'Once you become the messenger between the two sets of parents, you set up a pattern.' After a while, you just have to leave them alone to get on with it.

Three things to keep in mind during the wedding plans: Be sensitive to what all of your parents are saying so you know what their truly important issues are. Be clear with your fiancé about what is non-negotiable so you know how far the two of you are willing to compromise on your wedding in trying to be sensitive to your parents. And, lastly, remind all the parties involved of the bigger picture. 'Parents need to remember that the wedding is just one day, but they'll need to maintain a cordial relationship with this other family for a long time because they're going to be sharing grandchildren,' stresses Dr. Zax.

The bigger picture, the one that includes living happily ever after, will be much prettier if you have set the scene right from the beginning. It's really not a matter of just getting through the wedding. Even if your parents and his live thousands of miles apart, their influence. and tension if there is any. will be felt in your relationship. Dr. Zax calls it the 'Greek chorus' of your marriage. 'You and your husband are not an isolated island,' she says. 'You are part of a chain of islands and you're all connected.'

Buy the Book: Order Mending the Broken Boughby Barbara Zax and Stephan Poulter (Berkley, 1998) from Amazon.com.

Competition between the two most influential women in a man's life is as old as the institution of marriage itself. But today's mother-in-law is a new breed. And while there's still the potential for conflict. meddling, rivalry for attention, she-or-me arguments. it's less likely to stem from the sorts of domestic issues that prevailed in the past.

'Home-bound housewives no longer, many moms today are busy with their own careers and outside interests, so the areas of contention have changed,' explains Frances K. Goldscheider, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Brown University in Rhode Island. The sources of tension may change, but the song remains the same: Strained relationships with mothers-in-law are still a sore spot. So, where does the potential for conflict lurk today, and what steps can you take to establish a positive connection with the 'other woman' in your man's life?

Mom, Inc.

Today's brides-to-be are as likely to meet their future mother-in-law over a laptop and a cell phone as a casserole. For Lisa, 35, an interior designer at an architectural firm in Portland, Oregon, meeting her mother-in-law meant being introduced to the CEO of a property development company in St. Louis.

'My mother-in-law had to work her way up as a female in a man's world,' says Lisa. 'She was divorced with two kids to raise, and she did the family thing along with fighting for her career. She's the kind of woman that, well, there's just no stopping her.'

Even though Lisa's own mom is a V.P. in a brokerage firm, she had to admit that her mother-in-law's accomplishments were a bit daunting. 'I don't know if I was intimidated by her success so much as just knowing that this dynamic woman was going to be my mother-in-law,' she says.

Whereas women in your mom's generation may have wondered whether their banana bread or housekeeping passed 'inspection,' you may feel pressure to match your mother-in-law's career smarts. and be a good homemaker. Even if she appears all-doing, chances are, either home, hobbies or work prevails. Consider what you two have in common or in which areas you both excel, and go from there. Lisa decided that professional respect and mutual career interests would be a good foundation on which to start building their relationship.

'I thought hard about where my mother-in-law was coming from and made an effort to develop shared interests with her aside from her son,' says Lisa. These days, the two women keep in touch by e-mail and Lisa's firm and her mother-in-law's company have recently entered into negotiations on a development deal. Lisa says that she's 'thrilled to have a mother-in-law to look to as a mentor.'

A Family Affair

When Chrystal agreed to marry Jeffrey, both 23-year-old students in Houston, she had some initial misgivings about how she would fit into his close-knit, traditional family. Chrystal's own mom is divorced, and she was raised to be very independent. 'I guess I stereotyped Jeffrey's family at first,' Chrystal admits. 'He was still living at home in his parents' big house and spending a lot of time with them.'

The engagement period has enabled Chrystal to get to know Jeffrey's family, especially his mother, much better. even intimately. To save money, Chrystal moved in with her in-laws before the couple's wedding. 'This arrangement has required us to talk openly about keeping boundaries between our relationship and their relationship with Jeff, and that has been great,' she says. 'I am reassured by the way Jeffrey and his mom relate, the respect he has for her as a woman, and the respect his parents have for him, and me, as adults.'

Attitude Check

If the secret to future in-law relationships is respecting everyone's role, what do you do when there is more than one 'other woman' and many complicated roles?

'You decide to be inclusive rather than exclusive,' says Emily, a 25-year-old editor in New York City whose marriage is only two months away. 'Luckily, we're Jewish,' she laughs. 'Our parents and step-parents, siblings, half-siblings, and step-siblings, grandparents and step-grandparents are all part of the processional anyway!'

Extended families are a fact of life for couples these days. In Emily's case, her own parents are divorced and remarried, as are those of her fiancé Aaron, a 26-year-old graduate student at Princeton. But instead of seeing this as a sticky problem, she decided to use the planning period as an opportunity to build better relationships all around.

'Two mothers-in-law means two separate relationships. Aaron was raised mostly by his mom and is her first-born,' Emily explains. 'She is more protective of him than his step-mom is. Her concerns for him are more traditional, and her concerns about the wedding are more traditional, too: the guest list, the rehearsal dinner and family roles.

'There's a different dynamic between Aaron and his step-mom,' Emily continues. 'They have a friendly, casual relationship. She's up-front about how she feels and will discuss the minutiae of wedding planning with me in a way that no one else will.'

A wedding can be a time of social ranking and classification, when mothers-in-law ask 'Who am I in all this?' and 'How important am I to you?' Says Emily: 'I've realized that getting to the heart of what concerns everyone is much more important than just being polite. It may be difficult sometimes, but in the long run, I do think honesty is appreciated by the previous generation of women as much as it is by my own.'

Your mother-in-law was the first woman in your fiancé's life, and she is forever part of him. As these brides-to-be have discovered, communication and understanding can help you make her an important, and positive, part of your own life, too.

Determined to keep her parents from ruining another wedding, Robyn and her husband eloped. Their ceremony was short and peaceful. "But," she admits, "I feel like I missed out on something really special."

It doesn't seem fair that the children of divorce often have two options-elope, or face an ugly situation, a dilemma that's increasingly common. "A lot of the young couples getting married today were born during the peak divorce period of the late '60s and early '70s, so there's a good chance that one or both sets of parents involved in many weddings are no longer together," explains Margorie Engel, author of Weddings: A Family Affair (Wilshire Publications, 1998).

While wedding experts say that getting to the altar can take a small miracle even when families are intact, they agree that having divorced parents tips the scales, especially since conventional wedding rules fail to offer applicable how-to solutions. "The emotional fallout of divorce has been well documented over the years," says Engel, "but the practical implications for family rituals has not."

Here Comes the Bride

Perhaps the most heart-wrenching decision a bride with divorced parents must make, according to Engel, is who will escort her down the aisle. When Laura, 30, an events coordinator in Newport Beach, California, was married two years ago, she found herself questioning her biological father's role at the wedding. "I kept thinking, He abandoned me and never kept in touch. Why should he get the honor of giving me away?"

Unfortunately, there's no easy answer. If you consider aisle-escorting an honor, says Engel, then you should bestow it on the person who has earned it. Ultimately, however, this decision is up to you-choose whoever makes you feel the most comfortable, be it two "fathers", your mother, the groom, or no one. The same spirit should apply to the traditional father-daughter first dance. Go with who seems most appropriate or simply skip this part-there are no "wedding police" lurking in the bushes.

Keep in mind, however, that "this is not the time to 'get back' at a parent," warns Engel. "The purpose of a wedding is to create a new family, not destroy an old one." Engel suggests meeting privately with dad-and anyone else immediately involved-before you announce any decisions. "Open communication, right up front, is key," says Engel. "It will only make matters worse for you if family members have false expectations about your ceremony."

Laura eventually decided to ask both her biological father and mother to walk her down the aisle because she sensed that excluding her father wouldn't merely hurt his feelings, it would also cast a cloud on her special day-and hinder their chances of establishing a stronger relationship down the line.

"The decisions you make regarding your wedding set the tone for relationships afterward," explains Engel. "Consider your choices and motives carefully. You may still be hurt by your parents' divorce or furious at their actions, but if you can summon forgiveness, your wedding can be part of the family healing process."

Step-Parent Puzzle

Most post-divorce, single-parent households are temporary: According to the 1990 government census, 75% of divorced singles remarry, approximately half of them within three years. And more "parents" mean more potential problems. "Children of divorce may blame stepparents for the dissolution of mom and dad's marriage," explains New York City psychotherapist Rita Bigel-Casher, Ph.D., author of Bride's Guide to Emotional Survival (Prima Publishing, 1996). So may abandoned spouses.

For Cassie, 30, an advertising account executive in New York City who was married four years ago, getting permission to invite her father's wife was the thorniest part of the planning process. This was the woman Cassie's dad left her mom to marry. Cassie wanted to include her for her dad's sake, but not if it would make the event traumatic for her mother. "Mom believes this woman ruined her life," says Cassie. "She kept saying, 'How can you do this to me?' I understood why she was upset and I felt like I was being so mean, but my feeling was, 'How can you do this to me? It's my wedding!'"

In situations like this-when highly charged emotions are causing serious conflict-your best bet is to reach out to your parents in an understanding and reassuring way. Ask for their help in making things better. Cassie may not have said exactly the right words, but they worked: After several talks, her mom finally agreed that Wife #2 could come as long as she kept her distance.

The pain is intensified when one parent is remarried and the other still single. Often the single parent feels like a failure, and doesn't want to face his or her successor or ex. Their self-confidence tested, they may feel lonely at the wedding, which is why Engel encourages single parents to invite a guest: "Both parents should have emotional support at the wedding," she says.

Money Changes Everything

If it's not screaming parents, it could be dueling checkbooks. "Many weddings become an arena for some kind of power game," says Engel. But with divorced parents, the game tends to get uglier than usual. Ex-spouses may use money-or their refusal to cooperate-to exercise control over their ex or to win their child's affection.

When there's a disparity in income levels, the power game is played differently. Allison's wedding experience is a perfect-and painful-illustration. Now a full-time mom in Richmond, Virginia, 32-year-old Allison says that her mother refused to help plan her wedding in Houston five years ago. "Since my father was paying for everything, she said she didn't want to spend his money," explains Allison. Even if it meant leaving her daughter to do everything herself, from long-distance. "She was trying to get back at my father, or make some sort of statement," says Allison. "But all she ended up doing was making my life more difficult when I needed her most."

Happily Ever After

Of course, there do exist divorced couples who give their soon-to-be-married children nothing to worry about-happily sharing wedding joys and expenses. But, sadly, such couples are as common as a friendly divorce. That's why today's brides and grooms must create new wedding customs and compromises that work for them. "If following tradition is going to make you a nervous wreck," says Bigel-Casher, "you owe it to yourself, your fiance, and your future together to find an alternative." Especially when doing so can mean saving a $30,000 day from divorce-related disaster!

Most importantly, adds Engel, "Don't let your parents' divorce overshadow your wedding. This special event can lose its celebratory spirit if you focus on the limitations. Instead, focus on the possibilities-and enjoy a dignified and beautiful wedding."

Most importantly, brief all your wedding professionals-planner, photographer, band leader or emcee-on who not to force together for a photograph or embarrass with a "special" dance. In fact, during the interviewing process, make sure your candidates have experience with this sort of situation, for smooth sailing on your special day.

Buy the Book: Order Weddings: A Family Affairby Margorie Engel (Wilshire Publications, 1998) from Amazon.com.

Of course not. But you may be suffering from bridal burnout. you know, the feeling that if you have to take care of just one more detail, or if yet another wrench is thrown into the plan, you're going to grab your groom and elope. 'Though magical, getting married is a major stressor,' confirms Allen Elkin, Ph.D., director of the Stress Management and Counseling Center in New York City and author of Stress Management for Dummies (John Wylie).

In addition to coping with this significant life change, many brides work incredibly hard to plan the perfect wedding, so it's no wonder they might feel overwhelmed. Telltale signs of stress overload: moodiness; irritability; difficulty concentrating; sleep disturbances; loss of appetite and humor. Sound familiar? Read on. it's time to calm down and recharge.

1. Buy your fiancé flowers

2. Dine with your family

3. Indulge in good-mood food

4. Treat your feet

Try this simple tootsie soother from Lori Shubert, treatment manager at the Woodlands Spa at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort & Spa, in Farmington, Pennsylvania: Fill two basins with smooth stones (either from your backyard or from a local home store); add hot water and lavender oil to one, and cold water and eucalyptus oil to the other (you can find these essential oils at many bath and beauty stores).

Soak your feet in the hot water for five minutes and then switch to the cold water for one minute. Repeat four or five times. The combination of hot and cold water will leave you feeling relaxed and peaceful, but reenergized at the same time. Extra credit: Stand in the basins so that the stones stimulate the acupressure points in your feet.

5. Use the 'record, release' technique

6. Play fetch with Fido

7. Immerse yourself in a new project

8. Get moving

9. Loosen up. literally

10. Lean on your fiancé

11. Perk up with peppermint

12. Guffaw. loudly!

13. Bathe yourself in color

14. Phone a friend

15. See a romantic comedy

16. Spin your favorite CD

17. Get some fresh air

18. Plan a night out with friends

19. Take a virtual honeymoon

20. Give something of yourself

21. Keep a journal

22. Have a cuppa

23. Breathe!

24. Catch some z's

25. Pucker up

Rest Assured

Pillow Talk

The type of stuffing also affects a pillow's firmness, as well as its cost (down is much pricier than foam), durability, ease of care and whether or not it's hypoallergenic. Pillows may come in standard (20" x 26"), queen (20" x 30") or king (20" x 36") and should correlate with the size of your mattress. Here is what you can expect from the different fillings.

Down and down-and-feather

Foam

Memory Foam

Natural Rubber

Polyester Filling

Specialty Pillows

For those sensitive to certain chemicals used in some conventional pillows, organic handmade pillows are a good choice. You'll also find some designed to help reduce snoring and head and neck strain.

Pro tip: Consider replacing a mattress every 7 to 10 years and remember that turning a traditional mattress every three to six months will help lengthen its lifespan.

Between the Sheets

What exactly is thread count anyway? The term simply refers to the number of horizontal and vertical threads in one square inch of fabric; in sheets the number may range from 80 to 1,020 (although most stores sell sheets with thread counts ranging from 180 to 320).

Generally, the higher the thread count, the softer the sheets-and the more you'll pay for them. But while thread count is certainly a way to judge bedding, it's equally important to consider the quality of the fibers and the finish (the way the cotton is spun, woven and treated, sanforized to prevent shrinkage and mercerized to add luster). All of these affect fabric softness. Look for bedding with a thread count between 180 and 300 for daily use and 300 and up for anything more special.

Pro tip: New bedding materials, like bamboo (a renewable resource) and organic cotton, are being processed to have the look and feel of silk at a fraction of the cost.

Take Cover

There are lots of ways to top off your bed. Here's some help in making your choice:

Comforter A decorative bed cover that's made of two layers of fabric filled with down or polyester fibers. The stitching on a comforter is not usually as elaborate as the stitching on a traditional quilt.

Duvet A European-style comforter that's usually filled with down or down and feathers. It is slipped into a duvet cover, which one buys separately and is available in a wide range of materials and patterns. The cover can be removed and easily washed. A duvet and duvet cover may be used in addition to (or in place of) a top sheet and other bed coverings.

Quilt A lightweight, decorative cover composed of two layers of fabric and cotton batting or polyester fibers. It's usually stitched all over for decoration and to hold the filling in place.

Matelasse An elaborate type of raised quilting often executed in floral imagery, and can be found on quilts and pillow shams.

Throw Feel a bit chilly? Warm up your feet or shoulders with one of these small coverlets made of cotton, wool, mohair or cashmere.

1. Art does not have to cost a fortune. The key to success is to make the best investment for your price range. Also, you must consider what you really want to live with for the next 10 years. So take your time, look around and choose wisely.
2. Art that has personal meaning to you and your husband, like a piece you bought together on your honeymoon in Hawaii, will always be more satisfying than something merely decorative. Consider coming up with a unifying theme: For instance, if you and your hubby share an interest in gardening, sports or movies, you might collect botanical prints, vintage Olympic posters or classic Hollywood photographs. By specializing in one area, you can make your collection reflect your taste and be more cohesive as a group.
3. Don't let a small space inhibit you. A striking piece of art will become the focal point of the room and take attention away from its flaws. You'll also impress guests with your artistic savoir-faire!
4. Consider asking for art as a wedding gift. Many galleries allow you to register for art almost as you would for tableware. Let close family members and friends convey your wishes to guests.
5. Ask questions. When you go to a gallery, you are not just buying an individual piece of art, you are also paying for the dealer's expertise, reputation and "eye." The best thing a new collector can do is to forge a working relationship with a good dealer; repeat customers are more likely to get the best deals.

1. Start sorting! Together, you should make three piles for your precious possessions. The first should be for important items you need to keep, the second for things you can easily discard. In the third, place anything that is up for negotiation, such as duplicates (discard the inferior one) or items you just can't agree on right now. Clearly label and pack those things away for future consideration.
2. Once you've eliminated the excess, group like items together-tools with tools, photo equipment with photo equipment and so on. Doing this will give you an idea of how much storage room you'll require and allow you to start allotting space.
3. In every house there is an area that becomes a magnet for clutter. Often it is a spot near the most frequently used entrance. The only way to avoid this trap is to set aside an easily accessible, assigned place to put your things-perhaps a basket, a shelf or a cupboard. Doing this will help make it easier to keep stuff off the floor and tables.
4. Share chores with your partner and decide which rooms you'll each be responsible for straightening up. Then post a general schedule that addresses the cleaning-up details for each room. Both of you should try to set aside 15 minutes every morning or evening to tidy up. Keep the schedule simple and stick to it as much as possible.
5. Don't procrastinate! That only creates more stress for you and your man-and more dust bunnies to sweep up later. Taking the trash out as soon as it is full, making the bed (together!) in the morning and rinsing the dishes immediately after dinner are all easy and effective ways to save time and frustration. You will also be creating a space that is comfortable and relaxing for both of you. For more time-consuming tasks, prioritize the top 10, and vow to tackle at least one or two per day. In a week's time you will have accomplished more than you expected.

Pro tip: Place stored items you regularly use where you can easily find and reach them.

Neat Freaks

• If you take something out, put it back-immediately. Leaving things for later creates clutter.
• Abide by the "camper's rule": Leave any part of the house that you "visit" in the same or better condition than it was in before.
• Create a 30-second rule. If it won't take any longer than that to complete a task, do it pronto.

Anne Russ, a marketing consultant in Boston, and Skip Lentz, a computer software executive, never had a single fight-until, that is, they got engaged. "Our first big blow-up was about the wedding itself," Anne recalls. "I didn't want a traditional wedding, and Skip did. I would have preferred to just elope. I didn't want a diamond ring, either." Once Anne stopped yelling, Skip explained to her that, since this was also going to be the happiest day of his life, he wanted to get married in front of his friends and family. "He said, 'How can you not want that?'" Anne recalls. "He also told me that part of the reason he really wanted to get me a diamond was because he was proud that he could afford it. Once I understood how important these things were to him, I had to compromise." But, she laughs, "I kept my name. That was his side of the compromise."

Most people who are in love fight. Not us, you're saying? Give it time: Chances are serious disagreements will pop up eventually. It could be that you and your partner are in the midst of a prolonged infatuation period, wherein little about your mate bothers you enough to hash it out - yet. Or it might be that you're assiduously avoiding conflict, afraid it means something is terribly wrong with your relationship. According to Greg Godek, author of Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School (Sourcebooks, 1997) many couples become distraught over knock-down, drag-out fights that they can't resolve quickly and neatly-and so they sidestep them.

"Don't think that just because you can't tie up the loose ends in a half hour like the couples in TV sitcoms, you've got a problem," says Godek. "Arguments are all about gray areas. In many cases there never will be a real answer, and that's okay." Believe it or not, according to the experts, such heated arguments can actually be a strong sign that your marriage is on the right track. "I don't think there's really a reason to fight until you're committed," says Anne Russ today. "Once Skip and I knew we were in this forever," she explains, "fights took on new meaning; they were something we had to figure out."

What Makes Couples' Fights Different

In the context of a committed relationship, fights provide a way for couples to reconnect, according to Greg Godek. "Although fighting is never fun or nice when you're in the middle of it, the outcome can be positive. In the midst of a fight you're miserable. In a way, it's like exercising. Is working out always fun? No. But it deals with your weak spots." And in a committed relationship, he adds, weak spots are the ones we most need to concentrate on.

Fights with the one we love are truly different, he explains, because the purpose of the fight is different. "In the 'outside world,' it's all about winning and losing," says Godek. But that"s not true of squabbles with your spouse (or future spouse). Here, the purpose is more often to blow off the steam and/or to express an emotion-even if you don't know quite what that emotion is or what's behind your need to emote.

Fights can work like a psychological pressure-relief valve, helping you to reestablish emotional equilibrium. The problem, Godek says, is that we've all been conditioned to believe fighting can only be a win-lose proposition. "Most of us shift into a win-lose mode in an argument," he says. "Because we subconsciously expect an argument to have a clear winner and loser, we line up all of our 'evidence' as though we're going before a jury. We focus on the idea of winning the fight."

Understanding the Arguing Process

To complicate matters further, most couples' arguments typically center on immediate, concrete issues - say, one partner's habit of leaving socks on the floor, or another partner forgetting to fill the car's tank with gas. Nevertheless, explains Godek, "what you think you're arguing about is rarely the underlying reason for the fight." Take the socks-on-the-floor argument: It's more likely about respect, space, or power issues than it is about neatness.

But why do we use such inconsequential issues as socks on the floor to get at the real reasons we're moved to argue? Because, says Godek, human beings are complex. "We don't always make common sense-we make emotional sense, or try to. If I feel a certain way, I don't always need a reason." Nor, sometimes, do we even know the reason ourselves.

That said, Godek offers guidelines to help pinpoint the emotions that lurk behind common arguments. It may vary for the two of you or be different at different times, but these are often on the mark: Arguing about money is rarely about money; it's about power. Arguing about sex is rarely about sexuality; it's about intimacy. Arguing about chores is rarely about the chores; it's about fairness. Arguing about jealousy is rarely about fidelity; it's about maturity. Arguing about work is rarely about the work; it's about time. Arguing about relatives is rarely about them. It's about expectations. But since arguing is by its nature a logical process, he notes, it breaks down when we apply it to emotional issues. That's why many of us are more comfortable shouting about the socks than confronting deep-seated issues of fairness, responsibility, power, or control.

Of course, emotional outbursts go nowhere, although they refuse to die. The key, says Godek, is to get at the underlying emotions. Pinpointing feelings is devilishly difficult, he says, "but that's what can ultimately make fighting rewarding." Anne and Skip are living proof. Today, after a year and a half of marriage, they've weathered-and benefited from-many heated discussions since that first big fight. Recently, Anne wanted to hire a housekeeper to stay on top of cleaning chores-but Skip refused for economic reasons. "I had always spent my money the way I wanted to," says Anne. "But in our marriage, Skip was more in control of the purse strings. When I tried to tell him I didn't feel like I had an equal say in how we spent our money, he told me I was silly, and we fought."

Once Skip understood the emotional issues behind their argument, it clicked as to why it was so important to Anne. In this case, a heated argument paved a way to grasp the emotional issues underlying their fight-and to recommit to making joint spending decisions. Now, they've agreed to hire a housekeeper on an occasional basis.

The trick, obviously, is for both members of the couple to understand and express their emotions. And that's not always easy in the heat of the moment. "The real skill is to determine the purpose of the fight," explains Godek. "Then you can really deal with it." And what if one partner is more even-tempered than the other? "That's fine," says Godek. "As long as both styles of fighting are accepted." For example, he says, say a hot-tempered woman marries a calm, placid man. During arguments, the even-tempered husband should not assume that his feisty bride is in need of advice or calming down when her emotions flare. "It's not fair for one person to put the other in too tight a straightjacket," he says. Nor is it right for the emotional partner to eschew the value of logic. Both parties must believe that emotions are just as valid-if not more so-as logic when they fight.

Fighting the Good Fight

We all know the rules about "How to Fight Fair": Stick to the Point; Discuss One Issue at a Time; Don't Bring up the Past; and-most of all -Never Compare Your Partner to Your Parents. Well, guess what? Following those old-fangled rules can "suck all the emotion out of an argument," says Greg Godek. Why is that a bad thing? Because while such "clean" fights may look and sound good (call them "Made for TV" fights), without emotional release the core problems may never be addressed or resolved. Plus at some point, most of us need to blow off steam.

So let go if you have to-anything goes! The only rules for an air-clearing argument, says Godek, are no hitting, and no throwing objects directly at your partner. But go ahead and slam doors, make noise, shout obscenities-whatever it takes to get the job done. And remember, the most productive fights occur when both of you relinquish the idea of winning or losing. "Phyllis Diller used to say, 'Never go to bed mad; stay up and fight!' It's good advice," says Godek. "Stay up until 2 am if that's what it takes. Ask yourselves: Can you get three hours of sleep and still be okay the next day? The answer is yes!"

Making Fighting Work for You

According to Hedy Schleifer, M.A., a licensed mental health counselor and director of Hedy Schleifer & Associates, A Center For Relationship Therapy, in Winter Park, Florida, every conflict in an intimate relationship presents an opportunity for growth. "Marriage should be a safe laboratory for the creation of two adults," she says. Once two people have established a safety zone, they can invite conflict, and learn from it. Rather than merely serving to keep couples connected, Schleifer maintains, the deeper purpose of marital conflict is healing.

"When we fight, two little children come out," she explains. "You're two or three years old again. When you're shouting at each other, you're hurting." The key is to locate the hurt beneath the anger. And for that reason, she says, simply blowing up isn't enough. "Just because something's resolved doesn't mean it's dissolved," she says. The first step, she explains, is for couples to realize that recurring fights may have little to do with what's going on right now, and a lot to do with what's happened in the past. Once you've done that, she advises, "start looking for clues-what about the past has you shouting or fighting now?"

Schleifer encourages couples to keep a picture of their partner as a child in their wallets. "When you get into a fight, think of that child-that's the person who's hurting," she advises.

It is inevitable that couples will face conflict-especially in the most satisfying marriages, says Schleifer. "The incompatible things between you are really the basis of a good marriage." Such conflicts, in fact, are actually a sign that you're with the right person.

Huh?

"During the idealized, early romantic phase, all you see is compatibility," she explains. "You like broccoli, and so do I. It's a match made in heaven!" But the longer you know your mate, the more differences and incompatibilities you find in one another. And that, says Schleifer, is because the true purpose of marriage is "to help us finish childhood-to complete each other." The personnel department inside of each of us unconsciously selects just the right person for the job.

That's the way it happened with JD Tyre, a freelance photographer in Atlanta, and his wife Lisa, a marketing manager. "I try not to label what we do 'fighting,'" says JD. "What we do is more of a win-win thing. I call it a 'discussion.'"

Because they have become accustomed to hashing things out, JD and Lisa have been able to get at the root of squabbles, whatever they seem to be about on the surface. "For example, in an argument over spending money, we are able to look at our individual irresponsible behaviors and realize that our fight isn't about who spends more on morning coffee, but about our pervasive attitudes about money," says JD.

The key is the seriousness of their commitment. "When we enter into a discussion, we know that our partnership is something that we are committed to. We have agreed to resolve arguments for the betterment of the partnership." Their agreement to disagree provides them with a rare freedom. "We come away from these discussions feeling not only more insightful about ourselves, but also better about our marriage."

Oddly enough, JD already carries in his wallet a picture of Lisa in the first grade. "It reminds me that I married a whole person," he says. "When I first met her, I just thought she was this really hot woman. But when she gave me this picture, I knew I needed to figure out how this person came to be."

Schleifer says couples like JD and Lisa are on the right track. "If you learn to deal with conflict when you are newly married, it will make a huge difference." The goal should be to welcome every conflict, she says, because eventually there comes a day when the majority of the tension is resolved. "At that point, the relationship gets more creative, and there's more energy." All the energy that was caught up in conflict will naturally turn to other things, Schleifer promises. "And life gets richer and more full of passion."

Making Up Is Easy to Do

You know that fighting can't be all bad, because making up is such fun! If releasing pent-up emotions and getting at deep-seated issues aren't enough motivation to hone your arguing skills, consider this: Make-up sex. Looking for innovative ways to make up after the smoke clears? Try one (or more) of these suggestions:

• Give yourselves a score on how "well" you argued (You might want to wait a few hours before trying this one.) You're not scoring each other, but the two of you together. Consider how you handled the fight and what you learned, and give yourself points for creativity. Then redeem those points for a romantic dinner, massages, whatever.
• Create a post-fight ritual Make a point of having a glass of wine on the back porch following each heavy argument. Or take a walk early the next morning. Slow dance to a favorite song. Whatever the ritual, use it to remind yourselves you've made it through another tough one with your love intact.
• Keep a diary Here again, don't try this in the heat of the moment. But do attempt to get down on paper, together, the facts of the argument: what it seemed to be about; what it was really about; where it took place; any really great lines; and - most important - how you both felt afterwards. You may find yourselves laughing at these recollections as years go by.
• Turn the fight around Use the same emotional-release skills you practiced in the argument to communicate fervor. Were you thinking that he looks sexy when he's angry? After the argument, say so-passionately.
• Move beyond flowers and cards to say "I'm sorry" Nurture your partner's spiritual passions. Bring home that new CD he's been pining for, or that book she's been dying to read. A great gesture after a fight about how he spends too much time going to sporting events: two tickets to his favorite team's next home game. Trust us, he'll love it-and you.
• Explore the unknown Visit a new restaurant, check out a performance by a new band, or tackle the climbing wall at the gym. Whatever you do, use the confidence you've gained resolving your disagreements to raise the bar of what you're capable of together. This can mean wilderness camping or it can mean spending a week without TV. You decide.
• Explore the unknown, part two So you've been in the bedroom before. Does that have to make it a dull place? Bring something new to the "table" this time-a fantasy, a stanza of poetry, a romantic movie, a tub of Cool Whip. Use your imagination, and have fun.
• Show and tell Let your partner know you appreciate how he handles you, your disputes, and all the thorny paths you've traveled to a better understanding. You can say it, write it, or toss in an unexpected hug here and there. Make sure the message gets across, though.
• Speaking of unexpected hugs... What about the unexpected naughty Polaroid? Or the unexpected cell-phone whispers? Or the unexpected provocative e-mail? Hi-tech your way to togetherness.
• Really make up Never leap to the make-up part until the argument has been fully resolved, or at least until an emotional connection has been reestablished. Having make-up sex too soon in an effort to smooth over unaddressed problems is ultimately useless and unfulfilling.

Buy the Book: Order Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School by Greg Godek (Sourcebooks, 1997) from Amazon.com.

"Wedding planning is no longer a girls-only process," says Robbi Ernst, author of Great Wedding Tips from the Experts (Lowell House). "As more and more couples are covering some or all of the wedding expenses, grooms have naturally begun to play a bigger role in the planning." New York City-based wedding planner Marci Blum, coauthor of The Wedding Kit for Dummies (IDG Books), agrees. "A marriage is a partnership, and it begins with planning the wedding. If you can work together to plan that, then you'll be in better shape for your marriage," says Blum.

Nice in theory-but how do you go about getting your guy to really care about the planning process? Here are some guidelines that may help to, uh, engage him.

Make room

"Many grooms want to be involved, but they don't know where to start, and they're scared to step on your toes - or your mom's," says Ernst. Your guy probably hasn't thought too much about it, and he may have no idea what a wedding entails, says Ernst, whereas you've likely been picturing your big day for years. It's up to you to pull him in on the decision-making. Let him know there's room for everyone to participate, and that you want to hear his opinions, gut reactions, preferences. Specific questions-"Do we want a band or a DJ?"-usually yield better responses than open-ended ones, which cultivate noncommittal answers: "Whatever. You decide."

Right from the beginning, Heather Mahon, 25, of Belmont, Massachusetts, told her fiance, Mike, she wasn't flying solo. "I reminded him that this was our day, not my day, and that I wanted his input on everything. Since neither of us had a clear picture of what we wanted from the beginning, it worked out really well. Mike didn't feel like he was ruining my 'ideal' celebration with his suggestions."

Give him the details

Put his interests to use

Is your fiance an accountant? Have him draw up a budget. If he's a writer, put him in charge of the vows or the invitation wording. In setting up a two-person plan of attack early on, Rachel Lipkin, 25, of Framingham, Massachusetts, asked her fiance, David, which tasks sparked his interests or enthusiasm-then asked if he would mind committing to them, start to finish. "David loves photography, and he's good at it, so he really wanted to meet all the photographers and see their work before we chose someone. And I was pleasantly surprised at how important choosing the reception location and the band's playlist were to him, too," says Rachel. Tip: Proceed with an open mind. You never know what might grab his interest.

Change your perspective

Before you start planning that fantasy-fuelled extravaganza, stop. Forget the whole wedding idea for a minute. Sit down with your fiance and pretend you're planning a New Year's Eve or birthday party instead. What would be the most important aspect of your shindig? What would you spend the most money on? What's relatively less important? "If you approach it-for a few minutes, anyway-as a laid-back party that the two of you are throwing together, it becomes less intimidating, and you'll get more involvement, input and help from your guy," says Blum.

Mine his memory

Ask your fiance what he remembers about weddings he's attended. What did he love or hate? Which wedding stands out the most, and why? At which wedding did he have the most fun? The answers to these questions will give you both a better idea of what is important to him. "We went to two weddings during the year we were engaged, and we did a lot of observing at them," says Rachel. "One of the best parts was whispering to each other during the evening and then rehashing everything afterwards. It was a lot of fun, and learning each other's preferences brought us closer together," she says.

Discuss your relationship

Any way that you can personalize your ceremony or reception will not only add to your guests' enjoyment, but will also make planning more fun and meaningful for you. Heather was able to do this, thanks to one of Mike's ideas: "We both love golf, so when he suggested we give golf balls and tees with our names and wedding date on them as favors, I immediately agreed."

Jennifer Hardy, 29, of Walled Lake, Michigan, and her fiance, Phil, have put a twist on the reception playlist with a nontraditional tune that hits home. "Since we're both high school teachers and we met at the school where we work, we've requested that the DJ play Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher!'"

Shy away from tradition

Amy and Steve's Washington, D.C., wedding attracted many out-of-town guests who were unfamiliar with the city. So the couple opted to forego the rehearsal dinner and try something different: They rented a coach bus, hired a tour guide and gave their friends and family a "Monuments by Moonlight" tour of the town. "The guests loved it, and it was nice for us to simply relax and mingle before the big day," says Amy. They also personalized their reception with wine choices. "We offered a California red, since that's where Steve is from, and a Long Island white, to represent where I grew up."

Disagreements don't have to drive a wedge between you, says Deborah Cox, Ph.D., who cowrote The Anger Advantage (Broadway Books) with Karin H. Bruckner and Sally D. Stabb. Here's how to even the playing field:

Don't equate anger with hostility.

Make 'feeling' statements, rather than go on the attack.

Learn how to be a good listener.

The morning after Elizabeth Evans* got engaged, she did not want to get out of bed. Although the 29-year-old Boston bride was delighted to have accepted her boyfriend's proposal, she says, "I did not want to face anyone. I was afraid I wasn't 'me' anymore." Marital jitters? That doesn't fully describe Elizabeth's feelings. For her, it felt more like tremors, and they were all the more upsetting because she really, truly wanted to get married. So what was the problem?

In all the fairy tales-not to mention all the movies and all the TV shows-brides-to-be are unequivocally happy. But most women experience premarital worries and woes as they navigate the tricky transition from single life to married life. After all, your psyche is absorbing a major life change. Dalma Heyn, the author of Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women Into Wives (Villard), says that becoming a wife is one of the three most dramatic changes in a woman's life. "It commands as profound an adjustment, both psychologically and emotionally, as her earlier transition into puberty did and as motherhood undoubtedly will."

Call it growing pains, then. But as marriage experts tell us, we can prosper in marriage despite our aching relationship muscles. We've laid out four growing pains associated with the transition to marriage, each of which can be soothed, given time and the balm of love that empowered us to say "I will" in the first place.

"What if I'm not 'me' anymore?"

Remember Elizabeth's post-engagement dread? Back when she was dreaming of the day she would get engaged, she could hardly have imagined that a diamond engagement ring could bring on an identity crisis. Yet suddenly that coveted ring made it hard for her to think of herself as an out-there, independent woman, someone who conquered car repairs and plumbing crises without a man's help. The ring ensured that friends and family would make an embarrassing fuss over her-and seemed to guarantee that the world at large would never look at her in quite the same way again.

Even though Elizabeth and her fiance had dated for six years, their engagement inspired in her a host of unexpected feelings-mostly sadness about leaving one happy period of her life to embrace another. Sometimes brides get so disoriented by these competing emotions that they experience a phenomenon known as jamais vu, a French term that means "never seen." The opposite of deja vu, jamais vu occurs when you momentarily feel utterly lost, when surroundings and people familiar to you nevertheless feel alien.

Heyn says that too often in courtships and marriages "a woman's real feelings are written out of the script." Brides often feel they must "be happy all the time" and "keep busy" planning the perfect wedding. Yet Heyn's research shows that underneath it all, women fear "going under" in marriage, having the title "wife" usurp their individuality. How can you stay attuned to your true emotions and keep your identity from getting caught in an undertow of tradition?

Break some rules. Sneak out and see your fiance the night before your wedding. Burn the list of your former psycho boyfriends at your bachelorette party. Flaunt your personality and infuse stuffy wedding traditions with your own flair.

Recognize the enormity of the transition. Don't invite extraneous changes into your life-you have enough going on! While you're making yourself at home in your new life, forgo switching jobs, getting a puppy or buying real estate unless you must.

"Marriage is closing in on me."

Carol Todaro*, a 34-year-old New York City bride, agreed to forsake all others when her beloved proposed. But forsake her beautiful apartment? The cooperative she'd bought all by herself? The corner unit on the top floor with all the light? The one whose walls she'd painted her favorite hues? "It made perfect sense for me to sell it," says Carol. "It was too small for the two of us and, since the rent on his place was so cheap, we could save money for a house. I was all for it, but still, it felt like I was abandoning my home, something that was all mine."

Moving across town into what had formerly been a bachelor's lair, Carol felt the walls suddenly closing in on her. "I had been so focused on the wedding that I let slide any concerns I had about giving up my single life and becoming a wife," she says. "But suddenly it hit me. I just sold my lovely apartment! I have no nights off from him anymore. I'm going to have to spend holidays with his relatives! I'm going to have to share a bank account with him!"

As happy as Carol is to have found the man with whom she wants to share her life, casting her fate alongside of his is scary. Laurie Colwin acknowledged an engaged woman's fear and trembling in her novel Happy All the Time. You lose your old bearings: "On the one side is your happiness and on the other is your past-the self you were used to, going through life alone, heir to your own experience. Once you commit yourself to someone else, everything changes...You take one timid step forward, but then you realize that you are not alone. You take someone's hand-[your fiance's]-and strain through the darkness to see ahead," Colwin writes.

Yes, it's helpful to steady yourself with the hand of your beloved. But what else can you do when the marriage you always wanted now threatens to hem you in?

• Get creative. There's no one formula for marriage, no rule that says Carol can't enjoy a night off, or even a vacation without her husband to indulge in solitude again. When marriage starts to feel too confining, re-imagine it. Find marital styles that work for the two of you.
• Hang onto some "comfort items." Blow up the photo of the friends who formed your faux family during your single years. Wear the diamond earrings you bought for yourself with that first big windfall. Cherish possessions that remind you of your feisty, independent self.

"This is more than I bargained for."

Isabelle Peterson*, 23, hyperventilated through the first weeks she was betrothed. "His mom didn't seem to be happy about the engagement because he proposed when she was out of town," Isabelle says. To make matters worse, Isabelle and her fiance are saving money for a house by living, for several years, in the basement of his parents' house outside Chicago. So even when she's ballistic, Isabelle has to mind her manners and be a good houseguest. Not to mention that the arrangement has squashed the spontaneity of the young couple's sex life.

Even though she knows these concessions are temporary, Isabelle sometimes thinks, "This is more than I bargained for and considerably less than I wanted for my fiance and me." Because she's in that unique holding period called engagement, and not yet in the defining first years of marriage, she and her fiance have yet to sculpt a satisfying and autonomous relationship.

"The identity of the marriage is the first 'child' the couple produces. Just like a real baby, it can bring the couple great joy," write Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee in The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts (Warner). New marriages, like new babies, are overwhelming, stressful and miraculous. How do you stay upbeat amid a flood of sacrifices and struggles?

• Consider your marriage the birth of a new family. Warren Molton, M.S.W., a marriage and family counselor in Kansas City, Missouri, suggests you set boundaries with relatives and others at the outset. Let families know you won't be spending every holiday with them. New marriages need autonomy and time in order to define themselves.
• Make fun of your predicament. A goofy, silent striptease may be just the antidote to a chilly basement with his parents upstairs. Get funny and get innovative, or the stress will eat you alive.

"Should I be getting married?"

Elizabeth, Carol and Isabelle have something else in common. They all secretly wonder if their anxieties about becoming a wife mean they shouldn't be getting married.

Counselors and clergy members tell us there is a difference between normal, healthy matrimonial growing pains, and doubts severe enough that couples should postpone or cancel their weddings. If you are preoccupied by doubt, so that your anxieties about your upcoming marriage outweigh your excitement, or if you are counting on marriage to transform or alleviate serious problems that already exist in your relationship, the experts agree you aren't ready to walk down the aisle.

And keep in mind that every happily married person has had occasion to think, "What have I done? Why did I marry this lunatic?" or "Maybe I'm not marriage material." More important than this ambivalence, experts say, is what couples do in the face of such questions and doubts.

What important steps can you take to ensure that matrimonial growing pains don't get blown out of proportion? How can you feel confident, taking the hand of your beloved and peering ahead into the unknown?

• Banish "all or nothing" thinking. Avoid the extreme emotions to which newlyweds are susceptible-alternately believing their relationship is God's gift to matrimony or a roller coaster from hell. A lifelong love will have many highs and lows.
• Drop your "to do" list and be still. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do, the most generous gesture you can muster, is to do nothing. Wait for time to help you regain perspective. Let the great love you feel work its magic-to heal and restore you.

*These names have been changed to protect privacy.

I'm proud to say that I managed to keep my cool and have fun. Yes, even when I arrived at church and my brother, one of the groomsmen, was nowhere to be found. (OK, that was nerve-wracking, but I didn't panic. Honest!) In spite of all my planning, the limo had left the hotel without him, and he was stranded without a ride. He eventually got to the church and the ceremony started late, but it wasn't a total catastrophe.

It's not easy to change from perfectionist party planner to a kick-back-and-enjoy-yourself bride, but it's definitely worth it. Here, 10 steps to wedding-day chill.

1. Be organized from the get-go.

You will be more at ease on the big day if you've nailed down the details well before then. As soon as you've started planning, set up a filing system to keep your contracts, receipts and notes together. A few weeks before the wedding, give your vendors any special instructions, as well as directions to the ceremony and/or reception sites. Then check in with them (many pros will call you) a few days before your affair to go over exactly what is expected. It was during a telephone run-through with the bandleader two days before my wedding that I learned he thought that my husband and mother-in-law wanted their special mother/son dance to be 'YMCA'!

2. Hire the best you can find

Spend time early on sussing out the finest wedding pros around. Check their references and view samples of their work. If possible, see your band or DJ at another event and taste the food and cake to be served at your reception. Choose vendors whose work - and personalities - you're comfortable with. Then, on the day of your wedding, you'll be more likely to relax, knowing you're in capable hands.

3. Keep your perspective.

Chances are, there'll be some snags along the way - the napkins are the wrong color, your bouquet is smaller than you expected - but nothing should overshadow the joy of the day. 'I've been a bridesmaid 14 times and an event planner for 13 years. I've seen many people lose it over insignificant details,' says Mary K. Talbot, of Barrington, Rhode Island. 'At my own wedding, I reminded myself that things were bound to go wrong - but probably only I would notice. Instead of worrying, I focused on visiting with family and friends.'

4. Hire a consultant for the wedding day.

In the 1991 movie Father of the Bride, the bride had planner extraordinaire 'Franck' on hand to troubleshoot: He dutifully thawed the flowers when Mother Nature delivered a California snowstorm. Having your own 'Franck' for the day can be a lifesaver. He or she can run interference with the vendors and solve any crises, often without your knowing anything's gone amuck. 'With so many business details wrapped up in an emotional day, it's nice to have someone to assure things go smoothly,' says Polly Flint, co-owner of St. Augustine Weddings and Special Events in St. Augustine, Florida. She'll keep things on schedule and put out potentially disastrous 'fires' while you dance the night away.

5. Recruit someone you trust to help out.

I asked my recently married cousin, Susan, to take charge of distributing boutonnieres and corsages on my wedding day. She also supervised my young cousins, who passed out rose petals for the post-ceremony toss. These may seem like small, even inconsequential assists, but added up they take a hefty burden off your shoulders. Just be sure to choose people who will get the job done and give them explicit instructions to avoid confusion.

6. Keep a sense of humor.

When my MIA brother finally arrived at the church, I broke the tension by joking, 'Glad you could make it. Thanks for coming!' Besides keeping the mood light, laughter 'eases muscle tension,' says Hannibal, Missouri humorist Karyn Buxman, author of This Won't Hurt a Bit (LeMoyne Press). 'If you can let yourself laugh, you won't have a raging tension headache before the party even starts.'

7. Don't borrow trouble.

'Studies have shown that almost half the things that people get stressed about simply might happen,' says Buxman. If you find yourself consumed with what-ifs (as in, 'What if I trip walking down the aisle?'), try Buxman's exaggeration exercise: Ask yourself how the situation could be worse. For example, 'What if I trip and fall down, and my dress flies over my head?' Or even better, 'What if I trip, fall down, my dress flies over my head and everyone sees that I'm wearing blue, day-of-the-week, bikini underwear?' You'll soon realize that the original - and unlikely - premise wasn't so bad after all.

8. Take a big-day time-out.

Be sure to escape the pre-wedding chaos. Pamper yourself with a massage, a workout or a leisurely breakfast before getting dressed. A sane start to the day will go a long way toward helping you keep your cool once the action begins. If you're stressing out mid-festivities, try this anxiety-busting mental vacation suggested by Sybil Evans, a conflict coach and author of Hot Buttons: How to Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down (Cliff Street/HarperCollins): Picture yourself and your new husband on your honeymoon, having a candlelit dinner at a table overlooking the pounding surf. Ahhhhh, that's better.

9. Don't obsess over small imperfections.

When Katy and Chris Halliday, of Hyattsville, Maryland, married last summer, everything was going perfectly - until the garter toss. When the bandleader made the announcement, Katy realized she'd forgotten to wear one! Instead of freaking out about a missed photo op, Katy simply threw up her hands and said, 'Hey, I couldn't think of everything!' Everyone laughed and the party continued. The moral: You're the day's ringleader. Everyone takes cues from you. You can either make bloopers worse by overreacting or play it gracefully.

10. Surround yourself with positive people.

Let's face it: You know exactly who puts you at ease and who sets your nerves on edge. Your wedding day isn't the time to hang out with a sour-faced aunt or critical pal. Spend time with those who make you smile. Before you dress, have coffee with an upbeat friend. And don't forget about your groom! A few private moments between the ceremony and reception can quickly recharge your energy and soothe your frazzled nerves.

A final thought: Regardless of the flowers, music or food, the result is the same - you'll be marrying the man you love. That said, you can bet that when my sister gets married, our brother will be on a tight leash!

Buy the Book: Order Hot Buttons: How to Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down by Sybil Evans (Cliff Street/HarperCollins) from Amazon.com.

For my second wedding, in late 1999, many things were different. I was a little older, with a better sense of what I wanted my wedding to be like. We planned it in six months, which was all I felt was needed. Being more in tune with my decorating taste made registering easier and more rewarding this time. My husband, Bobby, and I wrote our own vows. Our photographer took great, photojournalistic-style pictures, instead of the posed portraits taken at my first wedding, where I felt so many moments never made it onto film. I had half the number of guests as at my first wedding. My bridesmaids wore long black dresses they chose themselves.

And yet initially I had been uneasy about planning another wedding. Hadn't I done the celebratory thing already? Did I deserve a party again? My family and friends had already given me gifts. No one said anything, of course, but I still felt funny. Then I talked to our rabbi, who said that every wedding is a reason for celebration. How right! If you're about to plan your second wedding, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You had the princess gown and the four-tier cake - but the marriage didn't make it. The first thing you have to realize is that you are not alone. "Eighty percent of divorced people get remarried within three years," says Sharon Naylor, author of 1,001 Ways to Have a Dazzling Second Wedding (New Page Books). Even so, "some are still carrying around shame and a sense of failure over getting divorced."

And yet many under-40 second-time brides do feel deserving of a party, and are less likely to be cowed by the etiquette rules of yesteryear. Gone are the days when a second-time bride had to sport soft pastels or a conservative suit for a low-key visit to the justice of the peace. While old-school etiquette says second-timers should skip the frills of a first wedding, that guideline seemed ridiculous to Leslie Henning, 33, of Moonachie, New Jersey. "To save money, I sacrificed certain things that I would have liked at my first wedding. We had a civil service followed by brunch," she says. Feeling fortunate to find love again, Henning wants to celebrate in full force. "This time, I'm pulling out all the stops, with an evening wedding, a videographer and limos."

This Looks So Familiar...

"The second time around is easier," confirms Sarah Boggess, 37, of Albany, New York, whose second wedding was in 1999. "You can have more fun planning because there doesn't have to be as much pageantry if that's not what you want. I got married the first time at age 24, in a church, with a traditional wedding party. My second wedding was held in our own backyard, with just family and friends. I didn't have attendants - to me, the whole bridal-party concept seems more suited to a first-time bride in her twenties."

For Erika Taylor, 33, of San Jose, California, the planning of her September 2001 wedding has been stress-free - the polar opposite of her first wedding. "Back then, I planned for a year and a half and spent tens of thousands of dollars on a reception for 250 guests that was over in a blink of an eye," she says. "I was so stressed out all day making sure that everything went perfectly that I couldn't even enjoy myself." Now, she feels simplicity is the key. "I'm wise enough not to care about what other people think. I'm planning a small ceremony that my fiance and I will actually enjoy - a barefoot beach wedding with just 12 guests."

Regardless of how many times you get married, the first steps in planning are always the same: Figure out the type of wedding you want and the time of year you want to get married, then start calling places to try and secure a date. Once the date is set, everything else will fall into place. Feeling too busy? Consider hiring a wedding planner to take some of the pressure off. "The more mature bride has a more entrenched career, maybe even kids. Her life isn't always conducive to the full-time job that planning a wedding can be," points out Naylor.

I'm Detecting a Theme Here...

Many second-time brides opt for a small ceremony at home, and some get away from it all by planning an intimate destination wedding - a trip to the Caribbean or a jaunt to Las Vegas. But a growing number of second-timers are hosting traditional receptions complete with flowers and music. And whether their weddings are larger or smaller now, second-time brides are infusing their nuptials with a big dose of personality. "Brides who first got married at 23 or 24 are different women at 34 or 35," says Naylor. They have stronger voices, "are better at delegating and have more of an interest in personalizing their wedding to reflect who they have become."

When Christine Benton, now 30 and living in San Diego, got married for the first time in 1997, she was 26 years old. The bulk of the guest list was taken up by her mother's friends and her fiance's family. Her fairy-tale church wedding included a white horse-drawn carriage, a reception in a five-star hotel, huge centerpieces and a live band. Although her second wedding, which took place last October, was larger - she invited about 140 guests - this time she traded someone else's fantasy for her own reality. "I'm half Japanese," explains Benton, "so we held our wedding in a lovely Japanese garden. We hired a vocalist who dressed in Japanese garb and sang Japanese music accompanied by a guitarist." Lanterns and paper-bag luminaries, printed with the Japanese characters for "love" and "longevity," carried out the unique theme. "This time, I felt free to create a ceremony and reception that reflected my own and my new husband's style, rather than focusing on what is 'appropriate.'"

Carolyn Izzo-Feldman, 37, of Nyack, New York, first got married at age 29, and her parents paid for and planned the very traditional affair. For her second wedding, she and her husband covered the costs, organizing an outdoor ceremony in a garden he had designed. Afterward, they moved to a nearby restaurant for a reception featuring a jazz band and a gourmet meal. "It was very special to us because my husband and I met in a garden," she says. "Our invitations were poems printed on scrolls and sent in boxes with dried flowers, and we gave away African violets in tiny pots as favors."

White Not!

Some etiquette experts maintain that second-time brides should not wear white, veils or trains, but few second-timers are listening. As with any wedding, the time of day and level of formality of the event you're planning should dictate what you wear - not to mention your own personal style.

When you start looking for a dress, be open-minded. Think about enhancing your beauty rather than pleasing someone else. While you may opt for white or ivory, you may want to steer clear of overly frilly looks and Princess Diana-style trains. You're not going for the 21-year-old virginal look. "I wore a corset-style gown that definitely showed some cleavage," says Izzo-Feldman. "It wasn't something I would ever have picked for my first wedding, so I thought, 'why not go for it?'"

When I shopped for my dress, the style I had firmly planted in my mind was a simple cocktail dress or sleek evening gown. I was determined to avoid anything "bride-y." Of course, I was wrong. I ended up buying a bridal gown with a beaded, halter-style bodice. It was everything I had sworn I didn't want - and it was perfect. That said, I made a few changes, asking the seamstress to chop off the train so I wouldn't have to bother with a bustle at the reception.

I chose not to wear a veil; instead, I wore my hair in a sleek chignon accented with tiny white flowers. But not every second-time bride skips the veil. "This is the first time I am marrying this particular man," says Henning, "and I want it done right. To me, that means wearing a gown and a veil." Other sophisticated options: a tiara, a jeweled headband or beaded barrettes.

Having some life experience under your belt gives you a better sense of what makes you look beautiful, rather than conforming to a trend. "Every bride wants to look her best, no matter what number marriage it is," says Todd Skog, owner of Todd's Room in Birmingham, Michigan, a hair and makeup salon that specializes in bridal beauty. "Usually, second-time brides have learned what not to do with their hair and makeup. In my experience, they are also less tense than first-time brides, because they know what to expect," says Skog.

Registering Realities

Don't worry: It's completely proper for second-time brides to register for gifts. But since you likely already have a toaster and tablecloths, think about moving beyond the standard registry list and checking out items like luggage, stereo equipment, books, wine or camping equipment. You can even register for your honeymoon. That said, you might also want to do an abbreviated traditional registry, especially if the thought of using the china you and your first husband registered for makes you feel too queasy to eat!

For many second-timers, the problem isn't finding something to register for, but feeling uncomfortable accepting presents from people who forked over a gift for the first wedding. "My main concern was for the family members and friends who'd attended my first wedding," says Boggess. "My fiance had also been married before, and registering just didn't seem right to us. Instead, we made it known that we would like our guests to make a donation to a charity that is dear to both of our hearts." If you choose to do something like this, be aware that some guests will still give you a traditional gift. But at least you know they had that option, and made their own choice.

Izzo-Feldman agonized at first about whether to register, but decided to do it. "People were asking what we wanted, so I thought it would be better to register and get what we need, rather than what we don't." If you do decide to register, you'll have a lot more fun this time. In preparation for your first wedding, you were probably overwhelmed with the task of registering for everything from spatulas to silver. You may have gone to the store with your mother and maid of honor in tow. This time, however, you're a pro. You have the basics, and are now selecting not what you need, but what you want. Your future husband will likely be at your side as you strut straight towards the desk to pick up your scanner and zap your way through your departments of choice.

Be Our Guest

For a very small affair (to which you're only inviting immediate family and a select few dear friends), you may decide to send out an informal note or even extend the invite via telephone. If you are hosting more than 50 guests, however, ordering printed invitations, in a style to match the formality of your event, is necessary. Unless their parents are paying for the whole shebang, most second-timers put their own names first on the invitation. Those with children may want to include their names, too, so that it appears as though the whole family is hosting this joyous occasion.

There is no limit on how many people to invite to a second wedding. "The trend is to have a smaller wedding, but if it's five years past your first marriage, you probably know more people. There are no rules that say a second wedding has to be smaller," says Naylor. No matter how many folks you invite, you should leave your former spouse or in-laws off the list, even if you have a good relationship with them, recommends Elizabeth L. Post in Emily Post on Second Weddings (HarperCollins). There's no need to make anyone feel awkward.

If you have children, by all means include them in the celebration. How about asking them to escort you down the aisle, or to serve as flower girls or ring bearers, or as maid of honor or best man? You can also assign them special duties like handing out programs or wedding favors, or reading a special prayer or singing a song during the ceremony. And, they can come to the altar with you and your new husband to help you light a unity candle.

Don't Forget the Groom!

If your first wedding was really more of a pet project for you and your mother, it may surprise you when your new fiance offers opinions of his own. "I think it's interesting when second-time brides marry first-time grooms," says Boggess. "The groom often wants a more traditional wedding."

That's for sure. When I got engaged and suggested eloping, Bobby glared at me in horror. You would think he had been the little girl who grew up dreaming of that walk down the aisle (minus the princess gown, of course). Apparently, having a traditional wedding meant a great deal to him, and not just a simple ceremony followed by a champagne brunch. My husband wanted an elegant, black-tie, sit-down-dinner affair, with a live band and an open bar. Listen to your guy; it's his day, too. Think of it this way: You certainly don't want him to miss out on anything or, worse, have regrets.

Even with all the planning in place, there are bound to be some jitters as the wedding day approaches. If you find yourself thinking back to your first wedding, don't fret. "You should take the time to remind yourself that you've finally gotten it right, that this time it's going to be different, and that you're a stronger and smarter person," says Naylor. "Your mind may get pulled back to the past, but all you have to do is look around at the day you created - and at that wonderful man waiting for you at the end of the aisle - to know that you don't have to be afraid anymore."

Michelle Frenkel had just finished writing a housewarming card to some friends when she realized her mistake. 'I had written ‘I' all the way through the card,' says the engaged 31-year-old from Phoenix, Arizona. 'Then I signed it with both mine and my fiancé's names. Needless to say, I had to start over.'

Michelle, a public relations consultant in the midst of preparing for her March 2003 nuptials, is certainly not the only bride-to-be to occasionally 'forget' that she is no longer a solo act. It's a tough thing to remember, especially in the hubbub of wedding planning, when everything seems to be all about you, the main attraction, The Bride. But the truth is, that exchange of rings marks a major life shift. from single woman independence to husband-and-wife partnership. and you must begin to adjust to all the changes that brings.

Of course, becoming a 'Mrs.' doesn't mean you will abandon your independence completely. You will still be an individual, with your own career, interests and relationships. But in your new role as a partner in marriage, your husband's needs and desires will factor into almost everything you do. Part of building a successful marriage is recognizing, appreciating and embracing this new role without losing touch with the single woman you were before. It's a balancing act.

For many brides, like Michelle, the transition from 'I' to 'we' doesn't come naturally. So we consulted the experts for ways to steady yourself as you make the leap. Their advice: See your engagement period as a 'trial run' for adjusting to your new status. Start here.

Prepare to Share

'The first step in all of this is beginning to feel married,' says Judith Coché, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist and director of The Coché Center in Philadelphia. And that doesn't mean simply feeling romantic. It means constantly remembering that your opinions, needs and desires are no longer the only ones that matter. 'That can be very hard,' adds Coché, 'especially if you are already established and accustomed to getting your own way.' While there are no quick tips for reaching this point. or many, it's a process that evolves over time. you can start by consciously acknowledging that every decision you make, no matter how small, affects your mate. Always try to take his feelings into consideration before you act, and know that your actions will have consequences.

Julie Soul, 25, first started 'feeling married' in the dinnerware department at Bed, Bath and Beyond last winter, when she and her then-fiancé, Bill, 20, were registering for dishes. She wanted a watercolor style, he preferred a checked pattern. 'I couldn't believe that I had to get another person's opinion on the matter,' says Julie, who was married in August. The couple, from Portage, Michigan, eventually compromised (they settled on a solid-color set in cobalt blue) and now laugh about the dilemma, but it was at that moment that Julie realized that decision-making. even about the simplest things. would never again be a solo activity.

It may be easier for you to assume total control of all the wedding-related decisions, and your fiancé may even be happier taking a backseat, but if you want to build true 'we-ness' into your marriage, it's best to involve him in every aspect of the planning, says Cheryl Storm, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in Tacoma, Washington. That's because the ways in which you communicate at this stage. even about seemingly small details, like what pattern of china you choose for your registry. reveal how you are likely to handle bigger decisions down the road, like buying a house or deciding when to have a baby. 'I commonly hear women who did not involve their fiancés in the wedding planning later complain that their partners are not as involved in their homes and household responsibilities as they would like them to be,' says Storm. 'But it's hard for men to become involved when they're used to their wives making the decisions all along.'

Agree to Disagree

But what if he doesn't like what you like? Chances are, he won't. Disagreements are a huge part of being a 'we.' Newlyweds sometimes give in to each other because they don't want to make waves, but backing away from conflicts won't make them disappear. Instead, expect big differences of opinion, be clear about your position, and listen closely to his. Then compromise, if possible. Most important, be okay. really okay. with not always getting your way. 'In a great marriage, partners get their way only about 50 percent of the time,' says Coché. 'In any disagreement, each person should feel that he or she was handled fairly, otherwise resentment builds up, and it can get nasty.'

To Your Own Self Be True

Keep Your Pals Close

As with interests, some friendships should also be kept separate. In January 2003, Katherine Westhoff, 21, from Kansas City, Missouri, and her intended, Brian, 23, will tie the knot. 'I worry that as we get used to living as a couple, I will have to make couple friends and always do couple things,' says Katherine. She plans to set up monthly girls-only outings with her friends once she's married, so she doesn't lose touch with them.

That's a good plan, confirms Tracey Ellenbogen, MSW, LSW, an outpatient psychotherapist at the Belmont Center for Comprehensive Treatment in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, who runs a workshop called 'Calling All Brides: Stress Management Workshop for Brides.' 'One person cannot possibly meet all of your needs,' she says, 'especially someone of the opposite sex. I've heard some women say, ‘I don't need anyone else but my husband.' But if you jump into your marriage neglecting who you were and with whom you were relating before marriage, you only stifle your own growth. For a relationship to grow, the people in it need to be growing as well.'

Remember, though, that you are not the only one with needs. You must be prepared to give your husband space to fulfill his own desires. Kara Udziela, 33, a newlywed living in Vancouver, Washington, is paying for her husband, Chris, 30, to attend school. Eight months into his computer science program, he told her he was considering changing his major to electrical engineering. This would mean another year of classes and additional financial strain. 'I wanted to cry,' Kara says. 'But instead, I said, ‘I want you to be happy in the long run. One more year won't kill us, compared with 30 years of you going to a job you hate.' ' As it turned out, Chris decided to continue with computer science after all. 'My support paid off,' says Kara. 'He felt he had freedom to explore, and he thanked me for making it okay for him to be scared or unsure and to change his mind.'

Hash It Out Now

It may not be terribly romantic to sit down and decide who'll be taking out the garbage or doing the dishes once you're married, but these conversations are best had now, says Kandi Walker, Ph.D., assistant professor of communication at the University of Louisville, Kentucky. Her advice: Draw up an 'open contract' with your fiancé, in which you actually write down answers to questions such as: Who will do the grocery shopping and the cooking? Who will balance the checkbook? Whose parents will you visit on holidays? 'The answers may change later on,' she says, 'but if partners differ greatly in their marital expectations before the wedding, there is a greater chance of conflict and disappointment down the road.'

If you talk about nothing else, discuss money. it's the topic married couples fight about most. 'I'm so used to my money being my money,' says Sheri Daly, 26, a research analyst in Weymouth, Massachusetts, who was just married in October. 'I like to shop, and it's frustrating sometimes when my husband objects. Our differ