Wedding Invitation Q&As

Composing wedding invitations involves complex-and beautiful-etiquette guidelines. We RSVP to your urgent questions.

By:

Diane Forden, Editor-in-Chief

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Home Page Title:

Wedding Invitation Q&As

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Everything you need to know from picking the paper to choosing the guest list.

Bride's Family is Hosting

Q: How should the invitation be worded if the bride's family is paying?

A: Here is the traditional wording which lists the bride's parents as hosts:

Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Rogers
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Elizabeth
To
Gary Clark
etc.

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Both Sets of Parents Are Hosting

Q: Both my and my fiancé's parents are hosting our wedding reception in November. How should our invitations be worded? —Quincy, Illinois

A: When the groom's family is co-hosting the wedding with the bride's, the invitation should read as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. John Sloan
and
Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their children
Kaitlyn Sloan
and
Thomas Smith
on Saturday, November 27th, 2001
etc.

See our Invitation Wording Examples [45] for handling other situations.

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Bride's Parents, Groom's Parents, and the Couple Are Hosting

Q: We're paying for a significant chunk of our own wedding, but both families are also contributing. How do we word the invitation?

A: To share billing amonst all three parties, here is the traditional wording:

Elizabeth Rogers
and
Gary Clark
together with their parents,
request the honour of your presence
etc.

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Couple Hosting

Q: My fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding. Should the wording on our invitations reflect that? —Corpus Christi, Texas

A: You have two choices. The first is:

Sarah Wilson Taylor
and
Marc Andrew Holmes
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
Saturday, the nineteenth of October
two thousand and eight
at six o’ clock
(location)

Or, you can say:

The pleasure of your company
is requested at the marriage of
Sarah Wilson Taylor
to
Marc Andrew Holmes, etc.

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Divorced Parents

Q: My divorced parents are both hosting my wedding, along with my stepfather, my mom’s husband. How should the invitations be worded to include all of them? —Walnut Creek, California

A: Your mom and stepfather should be listed first, followed by your dad:

Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Jones
and
Mr. Jonathan Rogers
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of
(your name), etc.

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Deceased Parent(s)

Q: Even though my mother passed away when I was ten years old I would still like to include her name on my wedding invitation. Is this proper and, if so, how should the invitation be worded? —Tupelo, Arkansas

A: It's perfectly fine to include your mother's name on the invitation, as long as it does not appear is if it were being sent by her. Instead, you have two options: The invitation can be issued by you and your fiancé and read:

Together with their families,
Jennifer Drake,
daughter of John Drake and the late Barbara Drake,
and
Brian Connors,
son of Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Connors,
request the honour of your presence at their marriage,
etc.

Or you can opt for more traditional wording:

The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of
Jennifer Drake,
daughter of John Drake and the late Barbara Drake,
to
Brian Connors,
son of Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Connors,
etc.

Many brides and grooms in your situation acknowledge a deceased mother (or other relative) on their wedding day with a loving tribute in the wedding program, a poem or reading recited in her memory at the ceremony, or a meaningful song played at the reception. The sentiment expressed in any of these gestures will not only contribute to the heartfelt emotions of the day but will also be recognized and appreciated by other family members and guests.

Q: My fiancé’s dad, girlfriend and grandparents are hosting our wedding. On my invitations I also want to include the names of my deceased mom, stepdad and father. How should the invitation be worded? —Atlanta, Georgia

A: You have quite a few names to mention, but I can certainly understand your wish to honor all your loved ones who have passed on. Your fiancé’s dad and girlfriend are on the first line, followed by his grandparents. Your mom and stepdad are listed below your name, followed by your father. Here’s how your invitation should read:

Mr. David Smith and Ms. Susan Jones
and
Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smith (grandparents)
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of
Andrea Wynnfield
daughter of
the late Mrs. Ann Blake and Mr. John Blake
and
the late Mr. Eric Wynnfield (your dad)
to
Robert Joseph Smith, etc.

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Children Aren't Invited

Q: With the exception of three children from my immediate family, I only want to have adults at my reception. How can I let this be known without offending guests who have children? —Boulder, Colorado

A: Even though you plan to have children from your immediate family at your reception, your invited guests should not assume that their children may also attend. Inside the outer envelope of your invitation be sure to include an inner envelope with only your invited guests' names on it. You may also want to enclose a handwritten note to relatives and friends explaining that as much as you would love to invite their children, you simply cannot do so because of space or cost limitations. If you wish, mention that children will be most welcome to attend the ceremony. It's best to make certain, well before your wedding day, that all of your guests understand and will comply with your wishes.

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Destination Wedding with Later Home Reception

Q: My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding with only our immediate families in attendance. Upon our return, my parents will host a reception for our other relatives and friends. How should the invitation be worded? —Rutherford, New Jersey

A: It's certainly a nice gesture for your parents to host a dinner for the happy couple. I'm sure that those who weren't at the wedding will love having this opportunity to celebrate and wish them well. Here's one way to word the invites:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Brown
invite you to join us
as we celebrate the
marriage of our daughter
Hillary
to
Liam Waterson
on Saturday, (date/time)
(location)

Another option:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at a reception
in honor of
Mr. and Mrs. (your married name), etc.

If your choose not to be referred to as “Mr. and Mrs.,” then the invitation can read “at a reception to celebrate the marriage of (your name) and (your husband’s name).”

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No Formal Sit-Dinner

Q: At our reception, we’ll be offering sandwiches and salads. How should we word the invitations so that our guests know not to expect a formal sit-down dinner? —St. Louis, Missouri

A: It’s smart—and considerate of you—to inform your guests about the type of meal they’ll be served so they can plan accordingly. On the invitation, after stating where the reception will be held, simply put "Light refreshments will be served." You and your fiancé can also spread the word to family members and friends beforehand.

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Additional Weekend Activities

Q: We plan to hold a day-before barbecue and a post-wedding brunch during our weekend-long celebration. Is it OK to enclose the invitations to those events in our wedding invite? —Sarasota, Florida

A: Yes, it’s perfectly fine—and think of the money you’ll save on postage! If you plan to ask the same guests to the barbecue, wedding and brunch, then combine your pre- and post-wedding events on one invitation and enclose it with the wedding invitation. And you can make things even easier by using one RSVP card for all three events. Here’s an example:

Please respond by June 5th
M______________will attend the wedding
M______________will attend the barbecue
M______________will attend the brunch

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Entrée Must Be Selected in Advance

Q: Is it appropriate to ask guests to select their main entrée in the wedding invitation? —Plainfield, New Jersey

A: Most couples arrange to have menu choices or special requests taken by the wait staff at the reception. However, if your caterer insists on knowing a count ahead of time, then the entrée options can be mentioned on the reply cards but not on the wedding invitation.

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Bilingual Invitations

Q: My fiancée and I are getting married in St. Petersburg, Russia. She is Russian, I am American. We will have both American and Russian guests. Is it okay to have the invitations written in both languages? If so, should they be separate or can they be on the same card, front and back holding different languages?

A: Not only would it be OK to have your wedding invitation written in both languages, it would also be a wonderful touch. Your guests will certainly appreciate your consideration. Check on the pricing, though. It may be more cost effective to have separate invitations rather than double printing on one. But I do like the idea of a single invite printed in both languages, one on each side — it will set the tone for a multicultural wedding that will undoubtedly be beautiful and unique. And, if you plan to have wedding programs, you should make these bilingual as well, especially if you incorporate traditions from both countries in your ceremony. Wedding programs written in English and Russian will help your guests understand and appreciate what's taking place and give them a greater sense of community and participation.

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Inviting Guests to Reception Only

Q: My fiancé and I plan to have a small wedding ceremony with only our immediate families present. Afterwards, we’re inviting many guests to a country club reception. How should we word the invitations so that our reception guests will understand they’re not attending the ceremony? We don’t want to insult anyone but we do want our ceremony to be private. —Kingston, Ontario

A: You’re not alone. Many brides and grooms opt for a small, intimate ceremony followed by a large reception filled with other family members and friends. Since it’s a personal choice to have a very private ceremony, I doubt that the guests invited to your reception will feel slighted. In fact, they’ll probably look forward to a fun-filled party! But, if you’re in the least concerned, you could spread the word now about your decision so there are no surprises and, if you’re comfortable with the idea, consider videotaping the ceremony which you can then screen later on at the reception.

Invitations, if your parents are hosting the reception, should read as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Markham
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception of their daughter
Suzanne Marie
and
Jonathan Paul Hollings
Saturday, the 26th of May
at six o’ clock
Arbor Hills Country Club
Kingston, Ontario

Include an R.S.V.P. with your address in the lower left-hand corner, or enclose a separate response card. For those intimates invited to the ceremony, include a separate ceremony card as well.

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Inviting Dates of Guests to Reception Only

Q: The church where my fiancé and I plan to marry is very small. We both have large families and there just isn't room for extra people. How do we inform our single friends of our 'no date to the ceremony' policy even though they are more than welcome to bring dates to the reception? —Evans, Georgia

A: It's all in how you word your invitation. If only a certain number of people can be accommodated at the ceremony then your formal invitations should be sent to all guests inviting them just to the wedding reception. The wording would be:

Mr. and Mrs. James Flynn
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception for their daughter
Sally Ann
and
Mr. Mark Wilmot
Saturday, the twelfth of August at six o'clock
(name the reception site and location)

To your single friends, be sure to write '… and Guest' on the inner envelope so they know dates are welcome at the reception. And for those also invited to the church ceremony, you can either extend the invitation orally or write a personal note to be sent separately or included in the formal invitations. That way, there should be no confusion.

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Bride's Family is Hosting

Q: How should the invitation be worded if the bride's family is paying?

A: Here is the traditional wording which lists the bride's parents as hosts:

Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Rogers
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Elizabeth
To
Gary Clark
etc.

Both Sets of Parents Are Hosting

Q: Both my and my fiancé's parents are hosting our wedding reception in November. How should our invitations be worded? —Quincy, Illinois

A: When the groom's family is co-hosting the wedding with the bride's, the invitation should read as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. John Sloan
and
Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their children
Kaitlyn Sloan
and
Thomas Smith
on Saturday, November 27th, 2001
etc.

See our Invitation Wording Examples [45] for handling other situations.

Bride's Parents, Groom's Parents, and the Couple Are Hosting

Q: We're paying for a significant chunk of our own wedding, but both families are also contributing. How do we word the invitation?

A: To share billing amonst all three parties, here is the traditional wording:

Elizabeth Rogers
and
Gary Clark
together with their parents,
request the honour of your presence
etc.

Couple Hosting

Q: My fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding. Should the wording on our invitations reflect that? —Corpus Christi, Texas

A: You have two choices. The first is:

Sarah Wilson Taylor
and
Marc Andrew Holmes
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
Saturday, the nineteenth of October
two thousand and eight
at six o’ clock
(location)

Or, you can say:

The pleasure of your company
is requested at the marriage of
Sarah Wilson Taylor
to
Marc Andrew Holmes, etc.

Divorced Parents

Q: My divorced parents are both hosting my wedding, along with my stepfather, my mom’s husband. How should the invitations be worded to include all of them? —Walnut Creek, California

A: Your mom and stepfather should be listed first, followed by your dad:

Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Jones
and
Mr. Jonathan Rogers
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of
(your name), etc.

Deceased Parent(s)

Or you can opt for more traditional wording:

The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of
Jennifer Drake,
daughter of John Drake and the late Barbara Drake,
to
Brian Connors,
son of Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Connors,
etc.

Children Aren't Invited

Destination Wedding with Later Home Reception

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Brown
invite you to join us
as we celebrate the
marriage of our daughter
Hillary
to
Liam Waterson
on Saturday, (date/time)
(location)

Another option:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at a reception
in honor of
Mr. and Mrs. (your married name), etc.

If your choose not to be referred to as “Mr. and Mrs.,” then the invitation can read “at a reception to celebrate the marriage of (your name) and (your husband’s name).”

No Formal Sit-Dinner

Q: At our reception, we’ll be offering sandwiches and salads. How should we word the invitations so that our guests know not to expect a formal sit-down dinner? —St. Louis, Missouri

Additional Weekend Activities

Entrée Must Be Selected in Advance

Q: Is it appropriate to ask guests to select their main entrée in the wedding invitation? —Plainfield, New Jersey

Bilingual Guests

Inviting Guests to Reception Only

Invitations, if your parents are hosting the reception, should read as follows:

Include an R.S.V.P. with your address in the lower left-hand corner, or enclose a separate response card. For those intimates invited to the ceremony, include a separate ceremony card as well.

Inviting Dates of Guests to Reception Only

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General Rules for Addressing the Invites

Q: I’ve heard so many different rules about addressing wedding invitations that I can’t get it straight. It seems so confusing. Where do I begin? —Louisville, Kentucky

A: You’re right—addressing wedding invitations can seem a bit confusing, but the rules are relatively simple for most of the people on your guest list. Spell out titles and degrees (“Doctor”), and always use “Mr. and Mrs.” for married couples. If a couple is unmarried but living together, or is married but uses different last names, put their names on separate lines in alphabetical order. (Unmarried couples who do not live together should receive two separate invitations.) And, if a guest is in the military, the title of an officer whose rank is equal to or higher than a captain in the army or a lieutenant in the navy is placed next to his or her name with the branch of service below. You should also include titles for retired high-ranking officers, inserting (Ret.) after their names. And the branch of service should always be listed below the names of reserve officers on active duty, noncommissioned officers and enlisted persons.

As for children, it is unnecessary to include their names on the outer envelope of a wedding invitation. Instead, list them on the inner envelope with their parents (“Mr. and Mrs. O’Brien and Peter”). The absence of a child’s name altogether implies that he or she is not invited. However, many guests may not realize this and assume their children are invited. If you don’t want kids to come, be sure to spread the word that you can only accommodate adults at your reception, and do not leave a space with “Number of guests” to be filled in.

Finally, inner envelopes should be addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Markham” without first names or addresses. Close relatives can be addressed as “Aunt Sue” or “Grandmother Smith” on the inner envelope only. And if a single person is invited with an unspecified guest, add “and Guest” to the inner envelope to indicate that he or she may bring a date (however, it’s always preferable to send an individual invitation to someone’s guest if you know who the guest will be).

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Pre-Printed Labels

Q: Instead of writing addresses by hand on the envelope, is it okay to use preprinted labels? —Goshen, Connecticut

A: As much as it would seem more efficient and less labor-intensive, using pre-printed address labels on your wedding invitations is not recommended. Your invitation is a reflection of your personal style and how you view your wedding. According to Mary Mitchell, spokesperson for stationery giant Crane & Co., 'The invitation sets the tone for your wedding at the very beginning and is just as important a detail as your flowers, decor and menu. Hand-written envelopes indicate that you care to make your wedding a truly memorable occasion.' The message you send with pre-printed labels? 'Let’s just get this over with!' So take the time to write out names and addresses. Why not try your hand at calligraphy or hire someone to do it for you? Make addressing your invitations an opportunity for a fun get-together rather than a chore. Ask your fiancé, bridesmaids, mom or other family members and friends for some help (don’t try to do it all yourself). You’ll discover that your guests will not only appreciate the time taken but will also regard your wedding as the special event you want it to be.

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Addressing a Widow or Divorced Woman

Q: When addressing a wedding invitation to a widow or a divorced woman, should I use her former husband's first name or her first name? And is it okay to put 'and Guest' on an invitation? —Newburgh, New York

A: When addressing an invitation to a widow, it is appropriate to use either her deceased husband's first name (Mrs. John Jones) or her own first name (Mrs. Kathleen Jones).

When you are addressing invitations to a divorced woman, however, do not use her former husband's name. Many women keep their ex-husband's last names, but others revert to their own maiden names, so it would be wise to ask someone close to her which name she prefers.

Finally, it is appropriate to include the working 'and Guest' only if you're not sure.

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Guests with Special Degrees

Q: We have invited a judge, several lawyers and a university professor to our wedding. Is there a special way to address them on the invitations? —Boston, Massachusetts

A: Yes, guests with special degrees should be addressed as such. For a judge, write The Honorable Susan Smith on the outer envelope and Judge Smith on the inner envelope. An attorney’s invitation may be addressed to either Martin Hall, Esq., or—as you would your other guests—Mr. Martin Hall. On the inner envelope simply write Mr. Hall. The outer envelope of a professor’s invitation may be addressed to Jean Kelly, Ph.D. or Professor Jean Kelly. On the inner envelope, write either Dr. Kelly or Professor Kelly.

Q: What is the correct way to address an invitation to a couple when the wife holds a Ph.D.? —Westfield, New Jersey

A: The outer envelope should have her name on the first line and her husband’s on the second line and is addressed as such:

Dr. Jean Kelly
Mr. Bradley Kelly
358 Birch Drive
Roselle, New Jersey 07078

The inner envelope does not include first names or addresses and simply reads: Dr. Kelly and Mr. Kelly.

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Email Invitations

Q: We would like to send out wedding invitations by email to save on costs, plus it’s “greener.” Is this acceptable or should we stick with paper? —New York, New York

A: As tempting as it is to do everything electronically these days, wedding invitations should still be sent the traditional way. After all, with e-mails inundating computers and BlackBerrys on a daily basis, an invitation received through the mail will make it that much more special—a better way to set the tone for your wedding. You can customize your invites however you want and keep costs down by forgoing tissues and multiple inserts. I suggest opting for thermography; it resembles more expensive engraved lettering but costs about 20 percent less, or offset printing, which is super affordable at about $1.50 apiece. As for keeping it green, there are many eco-friendly stationers who use soy ink and recycled paper or non-tree materials like cotton or bamboo. Oblation Papers & Press, oblationpapers.com, Twisted Limb Paperworks, twistedlimbpaper.com and Smock, smockpaper.com are just a few to consider. So mail your wedding invitations and then use the Internet for setting up your website to keep guests informed about other details like location specifics and directions.

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General Rules for Addressing the Invites

Q: I’ve heard so many different rules about addressing wedding invitations that I can’t get it straight. It seems so confusing. Where do I begin? —Louisville, Kentucky

Pre-Printed Labels

Q: Instead of writing addresses by hand on the envelope, is it okay to use preprinted labels? —Goshen, Connecticut

Addressing a Widow or Divorced Woman

A: When addressing an invitation to a widow, it is appropriate to use either her deceased husband's first name (Mrs. John Jones) or her own first name (Mrs. Kathleen Jones).

Finally, it is appropriate to include the working 'and Guest' only if you're not sure.

Guests with Special Degrees

Q: We have invited a judge, several lawyers and a university professor to our wedding. Is there a special way to address them on the invitations? —Boston, Massachusetts

Q: What is the correct way to address an invitation to a couple when the wife holds a Ph.D.? —Westfield, New Jersey

A: The outer envelope should have her name on the first line and her husband’s on the second line and is addressed as such:

Dr. Jean Kelly
Mr. Bradley Kelly
358 Birch Drive
Roselle, New Jersey 07078

The inner envelope does not include first names or addresses and simply reads: Dr. Kelly and Mr. Kelly.

Email Invitations

Q: We would like to send out wedding invitations by email to save on costs, plus it’s “greener.” Is this acceptable or should we stick with paper? —New York, New York

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Dealing with Uninvited Friends and Family

Q: My fiancé and I are having a small, intimate wedding, with only family members and a few close friends in attendance. If people ask me if they’re invited to the wedding—and they’re not—what should I say? —Charleston, South Carolina

A: Just be gracious. Let them know how flattered you are that they would like to attend your wedding, and then explain that as much as you would love to have a huge crowd, you’ve decided that a smaller gathering is more suitable. You can elaborate further— limited space, budget constraints, large families—or simply leave it at that. And if it’s someone you really would have liked to attend, promise to have him or her to your home after the honeymoon to look at your wedding photos or video.

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Inviting Guests with Dates

Q: My fiancé and his family think we should invite everyone to the wedding with a guest. What's the rule? —Mobile, Alabama

A: You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:

Everyone who is married (even if you don't know their spouse)
Couples who are engaged
Couples who are living together
Guests who have had a steady significant other for so long that it would seem awkward not to include their partners.

The last instance is a judgment call, but in most cases your gut will tell you what to do.

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Guest Responds with Uninvited Date

Q: We sent an invitation to my cousin and her teenage daughter. She returned her response card with the name of a man we’ve never met instead of her daughter’s (whom I’d really like to have at my wedding). None of my other cousins are invited with a guest. What should I do?
—Columbus, Georgia

A: People can be very presumptuous, can’t they? Bottom line: Even though your cousin prefers bringing a date to your wedding instead of going with her daughter, it’s not fair to you, her daughter or the other guests—nor is it up to her to make this decision. As uncomfortable as it may be, you have every right to give her a call and explain that since you have not asked any other family members with dates, you wouldn’t want them to be upset when she shows up with her escort. Also tell her that you included her daughter on the invitation because it’s important to you that she attends. Let your cousin know that as much as you would have liked your guests to have the option of bringing a date, space and budget limitations won’t permit it, and you simply can’t accommodate her friend. Hopefully, she will understand and comply with your wishes.

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Dealing With Guests Who Don't RSVP

Q: What should I do about people who still won’t tell me if they will attend my wedding, even after I’ve followed up several times? I only have a couple of weeks left, and my caterer needs the final head count. —Hartford, Connecticut

A: Go with the number of RSVPs you have and give that head count to your caterer. You shouldn’t have had to phone anyone repeatedly, but the fact that some people still can’t make up their minds is inexcusable. If any of your undecided guests should call you at the last minute with a “yes,” you can either inform them that you’ve already given your caterer the head count, or if it’s important to you to have them at the wedding, say you will do your best to accommodate them. If you decide on the latter, let your caterer know immediately and update your seating plan.

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Inviting Coworkers

Q: My wedding will not be big enough to include all of my coworkers, but I would like to invite some of them. How can I do this without offending anyone? —New York City, New York

A: Deciding which colleagues to invite to the wedding has to be one of the trickiest etiquette issues. Much depends on your particular situation, so you really have to go with your gut instinct. Of course, it's perfectly acceptable (and often easiest) not to invite anyone from the office. But many of us are friends with the people we work with and want them at our weddings.

Where to begin? With your boss. It would be improper (and not too smart!) to exclude your supervisor if you'll be inviting others from the office. It's also a wise and kind gesture to invite your assistant or secretary if you have one. After all, nothing motivates like flattery, and such an employee will surely feel honored. From there it gets tougher. If you have a regular crowd you lunch with, you pretty much have to go the all-or-nothing route, as leaving someone out will cause tension. If a group of people work for you (say you're head of a department), you have two options: Invite all of them, or just the most senior members of the group. Other than that, it's up to you to pick and choose without stepping on toes. Just don't do something glaringly obvious, such as inviting only one of two vice presidents. And as far as the president or head of the company goes, unless you're on pretty familiar terms, I'd pass. He or she is surely going to be too busy to give up the time, and it may look to some like you're fishing for gifts or brownie points.

Remember, too, that if coworkers are married, engaged, living with someone or seriously involved, you must include their partners in the invitation. You need not invite single colleagues with dates, however, or include children. Finally, keep in mind that most people understand the limits of wedding budgets and don't expect to be invited to every office wedding. In fact, many people are relieved to not have to buy a gift or give up a night they'd rather spend with their families. So, aside from especially close relationships, don't worry too much about offending anyone.

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Inviting Difficult Family Members

Q: My fiancé and my brother do not get along. In fact, no one really wants be around my brother, who’s always nasty and mean-spirited. Should I include my brother in my wedding or even invite him at all? —Orlando, Florida

A: You don’t have to include your brother in the wedding, but you should invite him. He’s your brother, after all, and regardless of how difficult he may be, he still warrants an invitation. Not to extend one will cause greater problems down the road and damage any chance of ever salvaging a relationship with him. People do change, and he may be going through a difficult time. Years from now, neither of you would want to look back on your wedding day and realize that you didn’t invite your brother because he was being a jerk at the time. So, extend the invitation and let him decide whether or not to attend.

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Inviting Parents of Bridal Party

Q: My girlfriend told me that it’s proper etiquette to invite the parents of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Is this true? —Duluth, Minnesota

A: Not at all! I’m sure you already have enough names on your guest list without adding the parents of the bridal party. Unless these individuals have shared a close relationship with the bride or groom, there’s no need to invite them.

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Can I Invite My Ex?

Q: My fiancée and I have a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We all get along and I would like to invite her—and our daughter, of course—to my wedding. What is the etiquette on this? —Vienna, Virginia

A: As a rule, it’s usually recommended that ex-spouses not be invited to the wedding, even if you have an extremely amicable relationship. There are several reasons for this: Your child may be confused by her mother’s presence at your nuptials. Guests, too, may feel a bit uncomfortable and not know what to say to your ex (putting the focus on her instead of on you and your new wife). Finally, your former wife may not really want to see you tie the knot, and she’ll be in the uncomfortable position of having to decline.

However, I do believe that these situations should be assessed on a case by case basis, and if you and your fiancée have a great relationship with your ex, go ahead and send her an invite. (After all, Bruce Willis happily attended the marriage of his former wife, Demi Moore, to Ashton Kutcher!) Just be absolutely sure that your fiancée is OK with it. If she indicates even the slightest bit of hesitation or doubt, don’t do it. After all, you wouldn’t want your wedding day to be marred by any misgivings or regrets. You should celebrate your commitment to your new wife to the fullest.

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Dealing with Uninvited Friends and Family

Inviting Guests with Dates

Q: My fiancé and his family think we should invite everyone to the wedding with a guest. What's the rule? —Mobile, Alabama

A: You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:

Everyone who is married (even if you don't know their spouse)
Couples who are engaged
Couples who are living together
Guests who have had a steady significant other for so long that it would seem awkward not to include their partners.

The last instance is a judgment call, but in most cases your gut will tell you what to do.

Guest Responds with Uninvited Date

Dealing With Guests Who Don't RSVP

Inviting Coworkers

Q: My wedding will not be big enough to include all of my coworkers, but I would like to invite some of them. How can I do this without offending anyone? —New York City, New York

Inviting Difficult Family Members

Inviting Parents of Bridal Party

Q: My girlfriend told me that it’s proper etiquette to invite the parents of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Is this true? —Duluth, Minnesota

Can I Invite My Ex?

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Engagement Announcement in Newspaper

Q: What is the time frame for submitting our engagement photo and announcement to our local newspaper? —Toledo, Ohio

A: Most announcements usually run two to three months prior to the wedding, but they can be published up to a year in advance. If applicable, you might also want your engagement news to run in your and your fiancé’s hometown papers, as well as your local one. And don’t forget to include your announcement in any alumni and professional publications.

Since the requirements for engagement announcements vary by publication, you’ll need to check with your paper to find out exactly what you need to do. (The lifestyle editor is often the person to contact.) There might be a particular form that you simply fill in and submit. Other papers give you more leeway to create your own announcement, and still others give you the option of using their form or writing it yourself. And be sure to check about any photo requirements. For example, does the picture have to be a certain size? Are black-and-white or color both acceptable? Can you send it digitally? Finally, inquire about any costs. Many newspapers run announcements gratis, but others charge a fee.

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How to Notify Guests if Wedding is Postponed

Q: My grandmother has become very ill, and my fiancé and I have decided to postpone the wedding. Our invitations have already been mailed and the wedding date is several weeks away. What’s the best way to notify our guests? —Madison, Wisconsin

A: From time to time, weddings must be postponed due to illness, cold feet, a family situation or another reason. You have time to send a printed card to everyone, and if you don’t know the new date, use this wording: Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Adams announce that the marriage of their daughter Jennifer Adams to Michael Connolly has been postponed If your wedding had been just a few days away, phone calls and e-mails are the best way to notify guests; you may decide to alert some in this way as well.

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How to Notify Guests that Will Be Childcare Provided During Reception

Q: We would like to provide childcare for our guests’ small children during the reception. How can we let them know? —Marshall, Missouri

A: Kudos to you for making such arrangements; it’s a great idea to provide a nursery for small children at a wedding. Younger tots can easily become restless and disruptive during the reception—but parents often have a hard time finding childcare for them. With a nursery, the kids get attention and activities, and the parents get to let loose and have fun.

Give guests the word by enclosing a separate card in their invitations notifying them that a nursery and babysitting services will be provided. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled and will probably bring along some extra toys to help keep their children occupied. Also, if any of the parents have concerns about the type of care their children will receive, they’ll have ample time to contact you about the specifics.

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Wedding Announcements

Q: My fiancé and I are getting married in Las Vegas and cannot invite too many people. I'd like to send out announcements instead. What's the procedure? —Troy, New York

A: Wedding announcement should be mailed as soon as possible after the wedding ceremony takes place, so you'll probably want to have them addresses and ready to go before you leave for Las Vegas (assuming you'll be honeymooning afterward).

You can have your announcements printed wherever you get your invitations, and formal white or off-white paper is generally preferred. The announcement may be issued by your parents or the two of you, and should include the date, city and state in which the marriage has taken place. The ceremony site is optional. They typically read:

Mr. and Mrs. John H. Brady
have the honor of announcing the marriage
of their daughter
Martha Lynn
to
Michael Thomas Mayer
on Friday, the seventh of October, two thousand
Las Vegas, Nevada

Announcements are usually sent to friends, business acquaintances and relatives unable to come to the wedding - there's no need to send them to guests who did attend. And although no one who receives an announcement is obligated to send you a gift, many people do so.

Q: I’m marrying for the second time and having a very small ceremony in Italy. How should I word our wedding announcements, and when should they be mailed? —Des Moines, Iowa

A: It’s best to send out announcements the day after you exchange vows, but it’s acceptable to do so up to several months afterward. You should send them to friends and relatives who were not invited to the wedding, or to any business associates and acquaintances with whom you’d like to share the news of your marriage. If you prefer getting the announcements out immediately, then be sure to have them printed in advance and ask your mom, a sibling or maid of honor to drop them in the mail while you’re on your honeymoon. Here’s a suggestion for the wording:

Marianne Teresa Miller
and
Jonathan Sinclair
announce with pleasure
their marriage
Saturday, the fourth of October
Two thousand and eight
Positano, Italy

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How to Share Your Wedding Website

Q: What’s the correct way to include the link for our wedding website on our invitations? —Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

A: At the bottom of your invitation, add a line that reads “For more wedding details, please visit our website, www.(your address). Although many wedding sites have maps and directions to venues, keep in mind that not all your guests may own a computer—so be sure to include maps or directions with your invitations.

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Save-the-Dates

Q: Is it appropriate to ask guests to convey their responses via reply card or a phone call after receiving our save-the-date cards? —Falls Church, Virginia

A: No, save-the-date notices are sent to alert guests as to the time and place of a wedding so they have ample opportunity to make the appropriate arrangements. Reply cards are enclosed with the wedding invitation only. However, if you and your fiancé want to get a rough estimate now, I recommend you follow up through e-mail or phone calls. Keep in mind that it may be too early for some people to confirm, so be sure to get your invitations out 4 months before the big day (especially if it’s a destination wedding) and ask to have responses by 10 weeks before the wedding. That should give you plenty of time to finalize all of the details with your pros.

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Engagement Announcement in Newspaper

Q: What is the time frame for submitting our engagement photo and announcement to our local newspaper? —Toledo, Ohio

How to Notify Guests if Wedding is Postponed

How to Notify Guests that Will Be Childcare Provided During Reception

Q: We would like to provide childcare for our guests’ small children during the reception. How can we let them know? —Marshall, Missouri

Wedding Announcements

Q: My fiancé and I are getting married in Las Vegas and cannot invite too many people. I'd like to send out announcements instead. What's the procedure? —Troy, New York

Mr. and Mrs. John H. Brady
have the honor of announcing the marriage
of their daughter
Martha Lynn
to
Michael Thomas Mayer
on Friday, the seventh of October, two thousand
Las Vegas, Nevada

Q: I’m marrying for the second time and having a very small ceremony in Italy. How should I word our wedding announcements, and when should they be mailed? —Des Moines, Iowa

Marianne Teresa Miller
and
Jonathan Sinclair
announce with pleasure
their marriage
Saturday, the fourth of October
Two thousand and eight
Positano, Italy

How to Share Your Wedding Website

Q: What’s the correct way to include the link for our wedding website on our invitations? —Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

Save-the-Dates

Q: Is it appropriate to ask guests to convey their responses via reply card or a phone call after receiving our save-the-date cards? —Falls Church, Virginia

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Charitable Donations in Lieu of Gifts

Q: My fiancé and I would like our guests to make donations to two of our favorite charities in lieu of giving us gifts. How should we share this information with them? Would an insert in the invitations be appropriate? —Raleigh, North Carolina

A: It’s very generous of you to request that your guests give to charitable organizations. The best way to inform your guests is by word of mouth, since gift giving is never mentioned in the wedding invitation. You can, however, set up a wedding website and in that way let guests know your preferences. Share some information about your favorite charities and the reason why you have selected them. Include the addresses where the donations can be sent, as well as links to the charities’ websites. On your wedding invitation you can then write, “For more information about our wedding, please visit (give your website name).” You can also create a registry of your charities with the I Do Foundation and JustGive. Go to idofoundation.org [47] and justgive.org for more information.

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Asking for Cash Wedding Gifts

Q: One of our goals is to buy a home soon after we marry, and we would like to use whatever money we receive at our wedding as a down payment. What is the proper invitation wording for a “greenback” wedding? —Omaha, Nebraska

A: There is no proper wording for such a wedding, or for any type of cash request on a wedding invitation. The only way to let guests know of your gift preference is by word of mouth. Friends and family members can inform invited guests that you are planning to buy a home and would prefer cash, but they should graciously add that any type of gift will be greatly appreciated. And don’t bank on getting enough money at your wedding for a down payment: Couples often overestimate how much cash they’ll receive. Chances are you will have to do quite a bit more saving yourselves before reaching your goal.

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Asking Guests to Contribute to Family College Fund

Q: My fiancé and I have set up a family college fund, and we would like to tell our guests to contribute toward the fund as their wedding gift to us. Is this OK? —Rockville, Maryland

A: Frankly, no. You can certainly set up a family college fund and contribute monetary wedding gifts to it, but you shouldn’t tell your guests what they should give you—or how. Keep in mind that although most guests do give wedding gifts, it’s not a requirement. And the type of gift they choose, whether it’s cash or a coffeemaker, is solely up to them.

A less obvious way to let your wishes be known is to ask your family and friends to help spread the word that you’d prefer a cash gift. And if a guest happens to ask you what you’d like, simply say, “Thank you for inquiring. We do have just about everything we need for our home, but whatever you give us will be greatly appreciated.” It’s a subtle way of letting them know that you’d rather have cash without asking for it outright.

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Charitable Donations in Lieu of Gifts

Asking for Cash Wedding Gifts

Asking Guests to Contribute to Family College Fund

Q: My fiancé and I have set up a family college fund, and we would like to tell our guests to contribute toward the fund as their wedding gift to us. Is this OK? —Rockville, Maryland

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Wedding Invitation Q&As

[1]

[16]

[22]

[32]

[40]

Bride's Family is Hosting

Both Sets of Parents Are Hosting

Bride's Parents, Groom's Parents, and the Couple Are Hosting

Couple Hosting

Destination Wedding with Later Home Reception

No Formal Sit-Dinner

Q: Is it appropriate to ask guests to select their main entrée in the wedding invitation? —Plainfield, New Jersey

Inviting Dates of Guests to Reception Only

Q: Is it appropriate to ask guests to select their main entrée in the wedding invitation? —Plainfield, New Jersey

Addressing a Widow or Divorced Woman

General Rules for Addressing the Invites

Dealing with Uninvited Friends and Family

A: You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:

Inviting Difficult Family Members

Can I Invite My Ex?

Dealing with Uninvited Friends and Family

Inviting Guests with Dates

A: You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:

Guest Responds with Uninvited Date

Dealing With Guests Who Don't RSVP

Inviting Coworkers

Inviting Difficult Family Members

Inviting Parents of Bridal Party

How to Notify Guests if Wedding is Postponed

How to Notify Guests that Will Be Childcare Provided During Reception

Wedding Announcements

How to Share Your Wedding Website

Save-the-Dates

Engagement Announcement in Newspaper

How to Notify Guests if Wedding is Postponed

How to Notify Guests that Will Be Childcare Provided During Reception

Wedding Announcements

How to Share Your Wedding Website

Save-the-Dates

Asking for Cash Wedding Gifts

Asking Guests to Contribute to Family College Fund

Asking Guests to Contribute to Family College Fund