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Answers to who traditionally pays for what, who pays for whom, and other issues of wedding finances.

by Diane Forden, Bridal Guide Editor in Chief

• What’s considered the right amount of money for a wedding gift? I don’t want to seem cheap, either.
• My godmother is hosting a pre-wedding party for us and some friends are performing at the ceremony.
  Should we give them gifts?
• Do I need to pay for an out-of-town bridesmaid's travel expenses?
• Do we need to pay for guests to travel to our destination wedding?
• How much should we tip each wedding professional?
• How can we gracefully ask our parents to contribute to wedding expenses?
• What do the groom's parents traditionally pay for?
• What could a wedding consultant do for me, and what would it cost?
• Who is responsible for hosting/paying for the engagement party?
• Since we're no longer getting married, is it appropriate for my ex-fiancé to keep the ring?
• Do I have to pay for the room block for my destination wedding, and how do I distribute welcome baskets without spending a fortune?
• Who contributes financially to the bridal shower?
• How do I make sure my vendors deliver what they promised?

What’s considered the right amount of money for a wedding gift? I don’t want to seem cheap, either.

Q: What’s considered the right amount of money for a wedding gift? I’ve recently been laid off and can’t afford to give my friends as much as I had originally planned. I don’t want to seem cheap, either. Clifton, New Jersey

A: There isn’t any set amount that’s considered appropriate for a wedding gift. You give what you can afford. Period. Let’s face it, the bleak economy has cut into nearly everyone’s budgets and, with your job loss, it’s perfectly understandable that you can’t be as generous as you’d like. If writing a check makes you feel uncomfortable, then select an item from the couple’s registry list. They’ll be glad you were a part of their special day, and they’ll appreciate receiving something that can be put to good use in their home.

My godmother is hosting a pre-wedding party for us and some friends are performing at the ceremony. Should we give them gifts?

Q: We plan to give gifts to everyone in our wedding party. However, my godmother is hosting a pre-wedding party for us, and some friends are performing at the ceremony. Should we give something to them as well?
-Buffalo, New York

A: Smart of you to ask! You’re right on target and, yes, your godmother and friends should receive a token of thanks. To be more specific, gifts should be given to soloists and musicians or to anyone who goes above and beyond to assist in some way. And don’t forget the guest-book attendant, friends or relatives who host or drive out-of-town guests and your parents. These gifts needn’t be expensive, so don’t panic about the cost. Money clips, business-card cases, key rings, picture frames, small jewelry items or decorative boxes, engraved pens, flowers or plants, scented soaps, potpourri, candles, votives, stationery and mani/pedi gift certificates—all are wonderful presents that won’t break the bank. Believe me, the gesture is well worth it, and your friends and relatives will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Do I need to pay for an out-of-town bridesmaid's travel expenses?

Q: One of my bridesmaids lives in another state. Am I responsible for paying for her transportation to and from my wedding? —Akron, Ohio

A: You are not responsible for your attendants" travel expenses. However, you are responsible for their accommodations and should make arrangements for your out-of-state attendants to stay with you, another member of the wedding party or any friends and relatives who graciously offer a room in their homes. Its probably a good idea to discuss travel costs with your bridesmaid now so that there is no misunderstanding about finances later on. And if the travel costs will be too much of a burden for her, you may want to help contribute to the expense as a gift for being in your wedding.

Read Who pays for what? for more about financial responsibilities.

Do we need to pay for guests to travel to our destination wedding?

Q: My fiancé and I have planned a romantic destination wedding in the Caribbean and have invited 20 guests from the U.S. Are we responsible for their airfare and lodging? —Stanhope, New Jersey

A: Not to worry! It is solely the responsibility of your guests to pay their own way if they want to attend your wedding. You should, however, try to make their travel plans as pleasant, convenient and budget-friendly as possible. Set aside a block of rooms at a hotel and look for leads on low airfares (you may be able to get a good deal if a lot of seats are bought at once). Why not send your invited guests a brief newsletter now with hotel and airline recommendations, itineraries and any other interesting and useful tips about your destination? Your guests will appreciate your efforts and will still be free to make their own travel arrangements at their convenience.

How much should we tip each wedding professional?

Q: Are there any particular guidelines for tipping wedding professionals? I am not sure whom to tip or how much I will need to give them. —Corpus Christi, Texas

A: Tipping depends somewhat on where you live and, in some cases, is included in your overall fee (especially when dealing with caterers or banquet halls). You should clarify this when you sign your contract. An additional tip of 15 to 20% is generally expected for your maitre d" or banquet manager. Limo drivers also expect to receive a 15% tip, as do many wedding consultants.

It is not necessary to tip musicians, florists, bakers or photographers, however, unless they perform an extra-special service. Clergy members are generally given a small "gift" (ask what's typical for your congregation), while civil officiants charge only a flat fee. Other possible people you will need to tip: ceremony assistants (altar boys or girls), organists, powder and coat room attendants and parking valets. Again, many of these gratuities will be included in your overall fee, so be sure to ask.

See our Tipping Guide for more gratuity guidelines.

How can we gracefully ask our parents to contribute to wedding expenses?

Q: Whats the most tactful way to ask both sets of parents if they will help pay for the wedding? —Portland, Maine

A: Asking parents if they intend to help out with wedding costs should not be a scary thing. But for a lot of couples broaching the subject can be a bit uncomfortable, especially if their parents have not said a word about making any contributions. Naturally, you do not want to be in limbo wondering how much you will be able to spend on your wedding, so the sooner you do ask, the easier it will be to start your planning.

First, discuss with your fiancé the type of wedding you want to have—and be practical. Chances are a guest list of 500 for a wedding in Venice will not fit into your budget! Decide how much you both can afford to spend. Determine a rough estimate for your guest list, the time of year you would like to marry, the day of the week and where you might like to have your reception. All of these factors will determine the expense of the wedding. Next, ask your parents if they can meet for lunch or dinner—you will want the setting to be relaxed and casual - to discuss wedding plans. You and your fiancé may choose to do this together or you may want to talk with your own parents separately.

When you do get together with your mom and dad, let them know the type of wedding you envision, how much you think it will cost and what you and your fiancé can afford to spend. Ask your parents if they had planned to help out in any way. And make sure they understand that your intention is not to embarrass or pressure them, but to determine if you need to alter your plans to accommodate a smaller (or maybe even larger!) budget. How they respond depends upon their financial status and personal beliefs. They may not be able to contribute a great deal of money, but may offer to pick up the tab for some part of the wedding. Let them know that any amount offered is appreciated.

If neither set of parents can provide any financial assistance, you and your fiancé will probably need to rethink your original plans. But do not get discouraged: Most wedding pros will offer suggestions in order to work within your budget. And with a little ingenuity and creativity, many couples have had beautiful weddings for far less than they imagined.

Read our article on Budget Basics for hints about requesting parental contributions.

What do the groom's parents traditionally pay for?

Q: Help! My future in-laws are insisting that I plan a very traditional (and somewhat expensive) wedding but are refusing to help pay for anything. Is there an official list of financial responsibilities for the groom's parents?—Houston, Texas

A: You may be surprised to discover that a "list" of monetary obligations for the groom's parents does not exist simply because, traditionally, they were only expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner. The bride's parents paid for the majority of the expenses, including all ceremony and reception costs (food, liquor, wedding cake, music, photos, flowers), the wedding invitations and related expenses, and the bride's attire and trousseau. The groom himself picked up the costs of the marriage license, the bride's engagement and wedding rings, the bride's bouquet, corsages for the mothers, the boutonnieres, the ceremony officiant's fee, and the honeymoon.

However, with the costs of weddings growing and many couples marrying later (when they are more likely to have careers and incomes of their own), more and more brides and grooms are contributing to - or even picking up entirely—the costs of their weddings. If this is your situation, then you are certainly entitled to spend your money as you see best in order to stay within your budget. Explain to your future in-laws that as much as you might want to include several traditional aspects in the wedding, you must limit your expenses and would greatly appreciate their understanding. Ask them if they have any suggestions or advice so that they realize how sincere and concerned you are. After all, you do not want to disappoint or antagonize them but you and your groom-to-be must be realistic about your financial situation and goals for the wedding.

Most importantly, be sure that your fiancé fully supports you in this decision and that you together present a united front. Even if his parents are contributing to the costs in some way, you are not obligated to heed their every wish. In this case, though, you might give them the option of putting their money toward those elements that mean the most to them.

What could a wedding consultant do for me, and what would it cost?

Q: I am really feeling overwhelmed. My job is very demanding - I have to put in long hours, travel and even work some weekends. My fiancé is just as busy, We both feel that theres no time to tackle wedding planning details. A friend suggested hiring a wedding consultant. What exactly do they do and how much do they cost? —Huntsville, Alabama

A: Sounds like you are an ideal customer for a wedding consultant! A good consultant can do many things: He or she is a professional party planner, with experience in coordinating all types of weddings, who can not only save you time but may also be able to save you money. Because of their extensive contacts, consultants can often get discounts from vendors. They will work with your budget and make sure you get the most for your money—negotiating contracts with vendors as well as coordinating and supervising details and, in general, keeping things organized and on schedule. Your wedding consultant will advise you about etiquette and offer creative ideas and cost-cutting tips.

Consultants fees vary according to where you live, how big a wedding you are having and how much time the consultant spends on the job. But you can expect to pay in one of three ways: Some consultants charge an hourly rate (anywhere from $75 to $200 per hour), others charge a flat fee and still others may ask for a percentage (usually 10% to 15%) of the entire cost of the wedding.

If you think you may not be able to afford a consultant to plan your entire wedding, consider hiring one for an initial three-hour consultation to get you started and help map out a schedule of what you need to do. You can also bring in a consultant at any point during the planning process or hire one just for the wedding day itself to keep things running smoothly. In light of your demanding jobs and busy lifestyles, its certainly worth looking into. Call the Association of Bridal Consultants (860-355-0464) or the National Bridal Service (804-288-1220) for names of wedding consultants in your area. Chances are you will have less stress, more peace of mind and will really be able to enjoy the months before your wedding.

Who is responsible for hosting/paying for the engagement party?

Q: My fiancé and I are not sure who is supposed to host the engagement party. My parents, who are paying for the wedding, claim it is up to his folks, but they insist that my parents are responsible. Can you please help? —Boulder, Colorado

A: Traditionally, it is the bride's parents who host the engagement party. However, today just about any friend or relative can do the honors. Keep in mind that an engagement party is not a requirement; it's supposed to be a fun way for members of the bridal party and both families to get to know each other before the wedding. You two can even host the party yourselves, and if you plan a very casual and low-key celebration, like a cookout at home, your expenses will be minimal. But before this disagreement escalates into a major family feud, you should decide what type of affair to have and whether it's worth having a party at all. Your parents have plenty to pay for already, and they may be too stretched financially to take on any more costs.

Since we're no longer getting married, is it appropriate for my ex-fiancé to keep the ring?

Q: Eleven months ago, my ex-fiancé broke our engagement and refuses to return the ring—even though I've asked her several times. I don't understand why she would want to keep a symbol of a failed relationship. Should she return the ring? —Manchester, Vermont

A: Ethically, since she broke the engagement, she should return the ring. If you called it off, however, then she would not be expected to do so. Unfortunately, state laws dictate that an engagement ring is a gift and the property of the person who receives it, so she has no legal obligation to give it back. Obviously, she is not thinking of the ring as a symbol of any kind, and my guess is that she expects to profit from it financially, which may have already happened. I'm sorry for your heartbreak and disappointment, but, trust me, you will look back on this one day and be very grateful that you never walked down the aisle with this woman—especially after you've met that special someone who will give you the kindness, care and love you deserve.

Do I have to pay for the room block for my destination wedding, and how do I distribute welcome baskets without spending a fortune?

Q: Our wedding will take place at a hotel in the Caribbean, and I've read that a block of guest rooms should be reserved ahead of time. Does that mean we have to pay for them? Also, who distributes the welcome baskets, and how can I put these together without spending a fortune? —Columbus, Ohio

A: Reserving a block of hotel rooms does not mean you have to pay for them. You're simply ensuring that enough rooms are set aside and available for your guests when they make their reservations. The rooms may not all be on the same floor or even in the same area, but chances are they will be available at a special discounted group rate. Make a point of asking about this when you reserve.As for the welcome baskets, many hotels will distribute them to your guests' rooms, but may charge as much as $5 for each delivery. Again, ask about the policy at your hotel: To avoid paying the fee, you may want to recruit family members or friends to help with the distribution.

Your welcome baskets need not be elaborate or pricey, either. Keep the contents simple: Include an itinerary of the weekend festivities, a map of the area, brochures on local attractions and a list of restaurants in the area (with phone numbers included), as well as a packet of tissues, candy, mints snacks or fruit. If your budget allows, include bottled water and keepsake votives. Finally, a message welcoming your family and friends to your wedding is a gracious personal touch.

Who contributes financially to the bridal shower?

Q: My daughter is going to be a flower girl in my brother’s wedding, and the maid of honor asked me if I would like to help pay for the bridal shower. Am I supposed to make a financial contribution? —Flint, Michigan

A: No, you’re not. The bridal shower is the bridesmaids’ responsibility. They plan it and pay for it unless, of course, the bride’s mother also offers to chip in. The parents of the flower girl and ring bearer are only required to pay for their children’s attire, shoes and accessories and any travel or lodging expenses. Obviously, the maid of honor is not aware of the protocol, so I would politely decline any involvement and let your brother know about her request. If his fiancé hears any grumbling from her bridesmaids, she can set the record straight.

How do I make sure my vendors deliver what they promised?

Q: A recently married friend was very disappointed when her florist didn’t deliver all the boutonnieres requested and didn’t let her know that she’d made some substitutions for the flowers. How can I make sure nothing like this happens with my vendors? —Beaumont, Texas

A: The best way to avoid mishaps like these is to always check references and have detailed contracts. Before signing on the dotted line, phone your local Better Business Bureau to see if a company has a history of consumer complaints, and deal only with those companies and individuals that you know to be reputable.

As for the contract, insist that everything you discuss be put in writing to safeguard against empty promises and hidden fees. Never pay anything—not even a small deposit—without first signing a contract that includes all parts of the agreement, including services that will be provided, the dates of service, the method of payment and the cancellation and refund policies. Make sure the locations and delivery schedules are noted and that all taxes, gratuities and overtime fees are spelled out. If you’re not a hundred percent comfortable with the conditions, don’t sign on the spot. A reputable pro won’t pressure you, and if someone does, don’t hire him! Be sure to read every contract carefully and make certain you retain a copy for your files. You’ll gain peace of mind knowing that all of the details discussed with your vendors are noted in the contracts.