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Answers to who walks when, who stands where, and other ways to make sure your ceremony is perfect.

Answers by Diane Forden, Bridal Guide Editor in Chief

• My fiancé and I live on the West Coast, as does my entire family. However, his relatives live on the East Coast. We can’t agree on the location.
• Since I have a bigger guest list than my fiancé, should we seat both sides of the ceremony evenly to balance the room out?
• Is it appropriate to wear a lacy wedding gown for an outdoor evening ceremony?
• Do we need to play the traditional Wedding March?
• Am I expected to sit with my ex-husband at our daughter's wedding ceremony?
• Do you have any suggestions for a comfortable, affordable shoe?
• I would like to honor my selfless single mother on my wedding day. Do you have any suggestions?
• Our ceremony will be held outdoors and the reception indoors. Should we have the receiving line outdoors too?
• Is a receiving line necessary?
• How do we make sure our quests don't take the seats provided for our elderly relatives?

• What should we discuss with the officiant before our wedding day?
• What's the proper order for the processional?
• How do I decide whether my father or stepfather should walk me down the aisle?
• How do I decide whether my mother or father should walk me down the aisle?
• How do I handle ceremony seating for my mother's same-sex partner?
• How can we personalize our wedding ceremony?
• What is a Unity Candle?
• What do I do with my gloves during the ring exchange?
• Where does the matron of honor stand during the ceremony?
• Can you suggest a ceremony seating arrangement for divorced parents?
• Where should the bride's family sit?
• How should we instruct our ushers to seat guests?
• How can I incorporate my late father's memory into the ceremony?
• Should the groom escort his mother to her seat at the start of the ceremony?
• How can we incorporate our different religious traditions into our ceremony?
• Are wedding programs a good idea?
• Can guests from my family sit on either side of the aisle?
• How do we include our children in the reaffirmation ceremony?

My fiancé and I live on the West Coast, as does my entire family. However, his relatives live on the East Coast. We can’t agree on the location.

Q: My fiancé and I live on the West Coast, as does my entire family. However, his relatives live on the East Coast. We both want to marry near our families and can’t agree on the location. What should we do? San Diego, California

A: Unfortunately, there’s no easy solution. I do understand your fiancé wanting to have his family members in attendance and undoubtedly, traveling across country would be difficult for many of them. However, weddings are traditionally held in the bride’s hometown, and since you—and most of your relatives—live on the West Coast, this would seem to be the logical choice. Also, if your parents are helping to pay for part of the wedding, you need to take that into consideration. If you decide to marry in California, send out your save-the dates now and follow up with your fiancé’s family to gauge how many will be able to attend. You may discover that a greater number than you expected plan on being there. And, for those who aren’t able to make the trip, why not schedule a post wedding celebration with them in your new husband’s hometown after you return from the honeymoon? And here’s another option: Other couples faced with your dilemma often decide to have a destination wedding at a location that’s at a halfway point for everyone. If you marry, say, in Mexico or Texas, both families would need to travel and you’d avoid any semblance of favoritism. Plus, there are lots of well-priced wedding packages and affordable hotel rates now. But before you make your final decision be sure to weigh all factors, such as your own time and budget constraints, the number of guests you can afford to invite and the type of wedding that’s most important to you (casual, formal, brunch, sit-down dinner, etc.) There will be some compromising involved, but isn’t that what marriage is all about?

Since I have a bigger guest list than my fiancé, should we seat both sides of the ceremony evenly to balance the room out?

Q: The guest list for my side of the family is very large, whereas my fiancé will have only a few guests. Since we don’t want his side of the church almost empty, may we have the ushers seat people evenly on both sides of the aisle? —Long Beach, California

A: Absolutely. There’s nothing wrong with making sure there’s a balance. Just alert your ushers to your wishes and tell them that as your side starts to fill, they should begin seating more guests with your fiancé’s family and friends. And if any guest should protest “but I’m a friend of the bride,” your ushers can say it’s your preference to fill the church evenly. Besides, they’ll be able to see and hear the ceremony better than if they were sitting far back on your side.

Is it appropriate to wear a lacy wedding gown for an outdoor evening ceremony?

Q: We’re planning an outdoor wedding that will start at 6 p.m. Is it appropriate to wear a lacy gown? —Scottsdale, Arizona

A: There are no rules that say you can’t wear lace outdoors, so by all means go for it. Some of the prettiest bridal gowns today feature delicate lace accents (Chantilly and venise are two personal favorites) on bodices, skirts, sleeves or jackets. Let’s face it: Nothing says wedding quite like lace. It effortlessly lends romance and femininity to any dress, and it looks especially beautiful when used on fabrics like silk organza, chiffon or tulle. Ask your retailer to show you a variety of gowns with lace details. I think you’ll be amazed at the wonderful selection available in styles that are just right for an outdoor wedding.

Do we need to play the traditional Wedding March?

Q: My future sister-in-law has offered to play the piano for our church service, but I don’t know which musical selections to give her. Do we need to play the traditional Wedding March? —Saint Joseph, Missouri

A: Not at all. In fact, many couples opt for ceremony music that has a special meaning for them and reflects their personalities. Speak with your fiancé about the mood you want to create at your ceremony. Do you both want a traditional feel, or are there some popular songs that have an emotional resonance for you—perhaps a tune that didn’t make the cut as your first-dance choice? If you do decide to go the classic route, some choices to consider for the processional, other than the Wedding March, are Canon in D Minor (Pachelbel) or The Four Seasons (Vivaldi). Or, if you prefer something nontraditional, then you might like “What a Wonderful World” (performed by Louis Armstrong), “You Raise Me Up” (Josh Groban) or “The Prayer” (Bocelli and Dion), to name a few. Take some time to listen to some wedding CDs and go to bridalguide.com/weddingsongs for more suggestions on traditional and nontraditional songs that are suitable for every part of your ceremony and reception. Have fun during the process and keep a notepad handy to jot down any songs you may suddenly think of or hear on your computer or radio. And if you’re marrying in a house of worship, keep in mind that some may have restrictions, so clear all musical choices with your officiant.

Am I expected to sit with my ex-husband at our daughter’s wedding ceremony?

Q: Am I expected to sit with my ex-husband at our daughter’s wedding ceremony? Also, should we dance together after the father/daughter and mother/son dances? I have remarried and don’t want my husband to feel slighted. —Jamestown, Rhode Island

A: If you have a good relationship with your ex, both of you may sit in the first row, along with your spouses or significant others. If, however, your relationship is strained, then you (or the parent who lived with and primarily raised the bride) sit in the first row and the other parent in the third row. Grandparents and siblings occupy the second row. As far as having to dance with your ex-husband, it is not expected. When the parents are called to the dance floor, you should dance with your husband, and your ex can dance with his wife or date.

Do you have any suggestions for a comfortable, affordable shoe?

Q: My fiancé is 6'4" and I’m exactly 5' tall. Naturally, I plan to wear heels for our wedding. Do you have any suggestions for a comfortable, affordable shoe? —Louisville, Kentucky

A: The most important consideration is making sure you wear a heel height that you’re accustomed to. If you’re used to a 11⁄2" or 2" heel, then look for similar bridal styles. Don’t try to wear 3" stilettos! Trust me, by the end of the evening you’ll be barefoot. Shop for your shoes in the afternoon when your foot is slightly swollen, and opt for the most comfortable style. After you’ve purchased the pair, break them in at home. Wear them around the house (you don’t want the soles to be too slippery) and get accustomed to how they feel. Whether your bridal shoes are pumps, sling-backs or sandals, you’ll want to choose the style that not only offers the best comfort and support but also complements your gown. For fashionable wedding shoes generally priced under $100, our go-to gal for bridal accessories, Associate Fashion Editor Alison Rowe, recommends the following companies (all have websites you can peruse): Benjamin Walk Corp., Paradox London, Coloriffics, Salon Shoes, Grace Footwear, My Glass Slipper and Nina Shoes. Happy shopping!

I would like to honor my selfless single mother on my wedding day. Do you have any suggestions?

Q: As a single parent, my mother was completely selfless and often worked two jobs to provide for my brother and me. I would like to honor her in some special way on my wedding day. Do you have any suggestions? —Springfield, Massachusetts

A: It sounds like your mom is pretty amazing and certainly deserves special recognition. There are a number of things you can consider. Why not ask her to be a part of your bridal party as the matron of honor? It’s a wonderful way to acknowledge the loving relationship you share. Or she can escort you down the aisle either alone or with whomever else you may ask to do the honors. Include one of her favorite flowers in your bouquet, or pin one of her brooches onto the handle. If she loves to sing or plays a musical instrument, ask her to perform during the ceremony. Your mom can also light a unity candle and read a verse or give a spiritual reading. And you can even write a special acknowledgement to her in the wedding program. At the reception, hand her the mike so she can give a toast, and be sure that you tell everyone how much you appreciate all the love and guidance she gave you through the years. I promise there won’t be a dry eye in the house, and your mom will always cherish these heartfelt memories!

Our ceremony will be held outdoors and the reception indoors. Should we have the receiving line outdoors too?

Q: When we marry next summer, our ceremony will be held outdoors and the reception indoors. Though the weather may be extremely hot, should we have the receiving line outdoors too? And how can I make my guests comfortable during the ceremony? —Baton Rouge, Louisiana

A: First of all, don’t even think about having your receiving line outside. You won’t want any of your guests to collapse from the heat! After your ceremony, proceed to the indoor location and welcome guests as they enter the venue, or greet everyone during the cocktail hour. You can even forgo the formal receiving line and make the rounds at your reception, visiting everyone at their tables. No matter what method you choose, your friends and family will have the opportunity to wish you well and appreciate your “thanks for coming” acknowledgment.

As for how to keep your guests comfortable during the ceremony, you have a number of options: Make sure there are enough chairs at the site, and if possible situate elderly guests in the shade. You can also set up a table nearby with a basket of handheld fans and a bin of bottled ice water (you can order personalized labels from myjeanm.com or myownweddinglabels.com; for even more ideas on how to make your big day unique, see “75 Ways to Personalize Your Wedding” page tk). By providing these thoughtful considerations you’re ensuring your guests will be cool and comfortable.

Is a receiving line necessary?

Q: Is a receiving line necessary? My fiancé and I are marrying in a nearby church and will have our photographs taken immediately afterward. I’m worried that our schedule will be delayed by having to greet each of our 175 guests after the ceremony. Any suggestions? —Danbury, Connecticut

A: Although a receiving line is not necessary, taking time on your wedding day to greet all of your guests is. That said, there are several things you can do to keep things moving. Consider having a smaller receiving line after the ceremony: The traditional line, which includes parents and attendants, can be shortened to just the two of you and your parents. If you keep your conversations pleasant but brief, the line should move quickly. Another idea: After the ceremony, and before the bridal party recessional begins, you and your new husband can recess up the aisle (followed by your attendants) and personally dismiss each pew of guests. This way, they will have an opportunity to congratulate you as they exit their seats, and the process will not take that long. Or, if you plan to attend your cocktail hour, have a small receiving line for guests as they file from the cocktail hour venue into the reception room. If you choose to forgo a line altogether, then be sure to take some time during the reception to visit each table and thank your guests for helping you to celebrate your marriage. They’ll want to congratulate you, and they will greatly appreciate your consideration.

How do we make sure our quests don't take the seats provided for our elderly relatives?

Q: We expect most of our guests to stand during our outdoor ceremony, but we will have a few chairs set up for elderly relatives. How might we let them know this—and ensure that no one takes their seats? —Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: It’s considerate of you to provide seating for older guests. I think your best bet is to place “Reserved” signs on the backs of the chairs, so that others won’t assume it’s a “first come, first served” arrangement. You should also make sure that your ushers know exactly which relatives are to be seated and that they should escort these guests to their chairs. Should any of the other attendees take a seat, your ushers can politely ask them to stand for the service.

What should we discuss with the officiant before our wedding day?

Q: My fiancé and I have set up a meeting with the officiant at our church. What topics should we bring up? —Roanoke, Virginia

A: It’s a good idea to be prepared for this meeting—there are a number of things to consider. First, confirm your ceremony date and ask if there will be another wedding taking place at your church the same day. (Ideally, you neither want to rush through your ceremony to make room for someone else nor leave your guests waiting for another ceremony to finish up before they can enter the premises.) Ask your officiant about any premarriage requirements you’ll have to fulfill - most faiths require engaged couples to attend religious-based classes or seminars. (If you are not members of the same church, find out beforehand if you should supply any documentation, such as baptism and confirmation certificates.) Your officiant may ask you to fill out an Application to Marry or sign a Letter of Intention to Marry. And, he will probably ask you and your fiancé a number of questions about your relationship, faith and commitment to one another to ensure that both of you are treating your upcoming marriage with the seriousness it warrants.

There are other details to talk about as well. If you’re having a soloist, find out where he/she should stand. Ask if there are any restrictions on decorations. Find out if the church provides an aisle runner, extra candles and candelabra, and what the rental fee is for them. If you’re marrying in the summer, make sure the church is air-conditioned; if your wedding takes place during a cooler month, adequate heating should be a given. Inquire as to whether guests can toss birdseed, blow bubbles, release balloons, etc., after the ceremony. Make sure there are plenty of parking spaces for your guests, and don’t forget to reserve a time for your rehearsal.

What's the proper order for the processional?

Q: Which attendants walk down the church aisle first - the bridesmaids or the maid of honor and matron of honor? Also, where do the ring bearer and flower girl fit in, and do they need to walk together? —Lake Charles, Louisiana

A: In a Christian procession, the order of attendants is as follows: From the back of the church, your ushers proceed down the aisle first and in pairs. If there is an extra groomsman, he can lead the procession alone. Next, your bridesmaids walk down the aisle (starting several pews behind the groomsmen). If you have fewer than five bridesmaids, they walk single file, otherwise, in pairs. If theres a junior bridesmaid, she will be next (two junior bridesmaids walk together), followed by the maid of honor or matron of honor. If you have both a maid of honor and a matron of honor, they can walk together or separately. Behind them is the ring bearer, followed by the flower girl. You can also opt to have your child attendants walk together. Last but not least, of course, is you and your father or other escort.

Believe me, it sounds a lot more complicated than it is. Also, it should ease your mind to know that during the rehearsal your officiant will tell your wedding party the proper order for both the procession and recession, and instruct everyone as to where they should stand or sit.

Read our article on Ceremony Procedures for more about processionals.

How do I decide whether my father or stepfather should walk me down the aisle?

Q: I want my stepfather of 15 years to walk me down the aisle. He's the only dad I have had in my life every day, but he and my mother just went through a nasty divorce and she will be furious if he escorts me. My biological father, who has always supported me financially, will also be upset. I am so worried about everybody else that I am not even excited about my wedding. What should I do? —Tulsa, Oklahoma

A: What you should do is get excited about your wedding and not worry so much about everyone else. It's really unfair when brides- and grooms-to-be (much like you) are caught in the middle of parental disputes and consumed with angst about pleasing them. From money to guest lists to seating arrangements, the arguments ensue and the emotional battles take their toll. Planning a wedding becomes a nightmare and the bride and groom may wish they had eloped instead!

So, allow me to offer you some possible solutions to this problem before you run off to city hall. If you want your stepfather to walk you down the aisle then by all means, you should try to have him do so. You will not be happy on your wedding day if the person with whom you share a strong emotional bond is not at your side. Why not ask your mother to lead the way, walking in front of you, and, if your father and stepfather are on cordial terms, have them both escort you (one on each arm?)

Or consider walking down the aisle with your stepfather and asking your parents to meet you at the altar where they can stand with you and respond 'We do' to the officiant's query of 'Who gives/ supports this woman in marriage?' (Your stepfather would sit in a front row or pew as you take your fathers arm to the altar.)

Finally, many brides opt for a third solution when there is just no way to compromise with their parents: They choose to walk down the aisle alone or with their groom. I know this is not what you want to do, but its something to consider if the situation does not improve.

Hopefully, for the sake of your happiness, your mother will put aside her personal animosity toward your stepfather when she realizes how distressed you are and how important it is for you to include all those you love in your ceremony. Why not invite her to lunch? Spend the day together - just the two of you - talking, reminiscing and ultimately coming to an understanding. Good luck and, in spite of your worries, try to focus on all of the wonderful things about your upcoming marriage.

Read our article on Dealing With Divorced Parents for more suggestions.

How do I decide whether my mother or father should walk me down the aisle?

Q: Since my parents’ divorce many years ago, I’ve only seen my dad once every other year. And even though he would like to walk me down the aisle, and I’m comfortable with this, I do feel that my mom should be my escort, since she is the one who raised me. What should I do? —Franklin Lakes, New Jersey

A: Why not have both your mom and dad walk you down the aisle? That way, you maintain the tradition of a father escorting his daughter, but also honor your mother and acknowledge her role in your life as parent, friend and supporter. I doubt that either parent will object to this arrangement; in fact, I’m sure they’ll both understand your reasons for doing so.

How do I handle ceremony seating for my mother's same-sex partner?

Q: My parents are divorced, my father is remarried, and my mother has a live-in female partner. How do I handle the seating arrangements at the wedding? I am close with my stepmother, but I am not close with my mother's partner - however, I am including her in the festivities. How do I acknowledge everyone without drawing undue attention to my mother's guest? And how do I honor my stepmother without slighting my mother's partner? My father will not sit in the same row as my mother and her guest, and my father is helping us pay for the wedding (and my stepmother is heavily involved in the wedding planning), so I don't think it is fair to sit him in the second row. Also, what do I do about the receiving line?

A: You certainly do have a unique situation and I applaud your sensitivity and concern in wanting to do the right thing for everyone involved. Let's start with the church seating arrangements. As you know, the bride's mother sits in the front row and, if your father were amenable to it, he and his wife would sit in the same row with her. However, since he's refused to sit with your mom and her partner, I don't see any option except to have him and your stepmom sit in the second row. You risk hurting your mom if you ask her and her partner to sit in the second row or even if you ask her partner not to sit up front with your mom. (Although, this is an option and if you think your mom and her partner would be agreeable to it, then broach the subject. But I'm sure it will cause some conflict.)

You might want to explain to your dad how upset you are about the situation and that you don't want him to feel in any way slighted by where he sits in church. You just want everyone to feel comfortable. Does he expect you to ask your mom's partner to make herself scarce during the ceremony? It puts you in a very difficult situation. Discuss it with your dad and see if he gives you any leeway.

Now, you want to know how to acknowledge everyone without drawing undue attention to your mother's guest. No doubt, most of your guests are probably already aware that your mom has a live-in female partner and I don't think you need to worry too much about drawing undue attention. But if you want to acknowledge your stepmom's help, ask her to do a special reading during the ceremony. This is a lovely way to single out those with whom you have a special relationship. She can read a favorite poem or a verse from scripture. Also, when everyone is seated, and the music starts for the pre-processional, have an usher escort your stepmother to her seat before you and your fiance's grandparents and moms are escorted. (Just have your mom escorted during the pre-processional, and not her partner.)

As far as the receiving line, keep it simple - your mom, your fiance's parents, your dad and you and your fiance, in that order.

One last thought, be sure to work out just what photographs will be taken that day and with whom and give your list to your photographer. You might want to have a photograph of you with your mom and dad. You and your fiance with your mom and dad and then again with his mom and dad. Take separate photos of you two with your dad and stepmother and again, of the two of you with your mom and her partner. Better to prepare ahead of time and let all sets of parents know what you'd like. Good luck with all your plans. I'm sure everything will run smoothly considering you're giving such attention to detail now and all your efforts to make sure that no one is slighted or offended in any way.

How can we personalize our wedding ceremony?

Q: My fiancé and I really want to personalize our ceremony so that its unique and even more special to us. Do you have any suggestions? —El Paso, Texas

A: More and more couples today are personalizing their ceremonies by writing their own vows or by including a favorite poem, prayer, Bible passage, or other reading. No matter how you decide to make your nuptials unique, be sure to plan the details in conjunction with your officiant in order to avoid any misunderstandings. Different faiths vary in the amount of customization allowed in the wedding service. And keep in mind that, as a courtesy to your guests, the entire ceremony should not extend past one hour.

When planning your ceremony, spend some quiet time with your fiancé to discuss just what your relationship and marriage mean to you as a couple. Both of you should write down your thoughts and feelings to help you decide what you want to say. You may choose to describe the important facets of your relationship and your ideals for the marriage into which you are about to enter. You can mention the things you love most about each other and talk about your plans and hopes for the future. You can even mention any hardship you have overcome together and how this has helped to strengthen your relationship and commitment to one another.

Also, you may want to acknowledge family members and guests and thank them for what they have contributed to your relationship. They can participate in the ceremony by reading or writing special verses or reciting favorite scriptures.

You can also incorporate music into different parts of your ceremony to make it more meaningful. You will soon discover that it is well worth the time and effort it takes to personalize your wedding ceremony, as doing so will create memories to last a lifetime.

Read our article on Ceremony Procedures for more about customing the proceedings.

What is a Unity Candle?

Q: I have heard of something called a Unity Candle. What is it and how can I incorporate it into my wedding ceremony? —Newark, Delaware

A: The Unity Candle symbolizes the joining together of two separate families and has become increasingly popular over the years. Basically, its a tall candle that stands, unlit, between two smaller, lit candles during the ceremony. One of these smaller candles is placed in the bride's side and the other is on the groom's side. After you are pronounced husband and wife, you each take your respective candle, meet at the Unity Candle and light it with your joined flames. Some brides and grooms choose to light the Unity Candle on their own, while others have parents and other members of their families join them. For those couples marrying for the second time, it is an especially appropriate way to include children from their first marriages in the ceremony and to acknowledge the uniting of two families as one.

Read our article on Ceremony Procedures for more about the Unity Candle.

What do I do with my gloves during the ring exchange?

Q: I will wear a halter-style dress with opera-length gloves. What do I do with my gloves while exchanging rings? —Pecos, New Mexico

A: Easy. Just ask for a little help from your maid of honor. Once you have reached the altar or huppah, remove your gloves and give them to her along with your bouquet. She will hold them for you throughout the ceremony. After the recessional, you can put your gloves back on. You will want to wear them as you enter the reception and during special dances (your first dance as a couple, your dance with dad). From then on you can either wear your gloves a while longer, because you just love the look, or take them off.

Where does the matron of honor stand during the ceremony?

Q: I am confused. Where does the matron of honor stand during the ceremony? I thought the maid of honor stood nearest the bride. —Houston, Texas

A: You are right. Traditionally, the maid of honor stands closest to the bride. At a Christian ceremony she is to the brides left and the other bridesmaids (including the matron of honor if there is one) stand behind them. At a Jewish ceremony the maid of honor stands to the brides right with the brides parents next to her and the other attendants to their right. However, as with so many bridal traditions, the rules have relaxed a bit and you can certainly choose to have both your maid of honor and matron of honor stand beside you at the ceremony.

Read our article on Ceremony Procedures for more about who stand where.

Can you suggest a ceremony seating arrangement for divorced parents?

Q: What is the best seating arrangement for my divorced parents during the church ceremony? My mom has not remarried, but my dad will be there with his fiancé. Also, how should I handle photography after the ceremony? Should I have both my parents in the same picture with me and my new husband? I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings. —Charleston, South Carolina

A: I don't think you need to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. It's obvious that you are wisely planning ahead now to make sure that there are no misunderstandings or uncomfortable situations awaiting your parents—and I'm certain they will appreciate your concern and thoughtfulness.

At the church, have your mother sit in the first pew with either her parents or other close relatives. In the second pew, your aunts, uncles and other members of your mom's family can sit. And in the third pew, your father and his fiancé can be seated with his family.

As far as your wedding pictures, meet with your photographer ahead of time to discuss the types of photos you want and which members of your family should be included. A professional photographer will have dealt with divorced family situations before and can probably offer some expert advice on how to handle potential problems. Make sure you hire someone you feel comfortable with - a pro who can handle difficulties with diplomacy and tact.

If your parents are on friendly terms you can have them in the same family photograph together, separated by you and your husband. You should also have pictures taken with each parent separately. No doubt, your father will ask for a picture of the two of you with him and his fiancé. This is fine (it will certainly please your dad and nurture relations with your future stepmother), but be sensitive to your mom's feelings and include any of her close friends or relatives as well in her photos.

Let your parents know what type of photographs will be taken and who will be in them so there are no surprises or hurt feelings on the wedding day. A little planning and communicating now will go a long way in ensuring that everything runs smoothly so you and your family can celebrate the day without incident.

Read our article on Dealing With Divorced Parents for more ways to prevent hurt feelings.

Where should the bride's family sit?

Q: On which side of the church is the brides family supposed to be seated? —Lansing, Michigan

A: Traditionally, during a Christian wedding ceremony the brides family and friends are seated on the left and the grooms family and friends on the right (as they face the altar). The Jewish ceremony calls for the opposite arrangement: The brides family and friends are seated on the right and the grooms family and friends on the left (as they face the huppah). If you are both expecting about the same number of guests, this arrangement can work out well. However, if either you or your fiancé has invited more people, its a good idea to have the ushers spread everyone out evenly on both sides of the church.

Read our article on Ceremony Procedures for more about seating arrangements.

How should we instruct our ushers to seat guests?

Q: Do we need to explain to our ushers how to seat guests at our church ceremony, or can they just do so at random? —Salem, Oregon

A: There are some traditional rules about ceremony seating, but its really not as stuffy as it may seem. Its not necessary to have reserved seating, with the exception of saving the first few rows for the brides and grooms immediate families.

Traditionally, the brides parents sit in the first row on the left (as you face the front), along with her grandparents and siblings. If the brides parents are divorced and prefer to sit separately, the mother and her husband might sit in the front row while the father and his wife site behind them in the second row. Other special relatives may sit in the second and third rows.

The grooms family is seated in the same manner, but on the right side. (This is the Christian tradition; the Jewish ceremony calls for the opposite arrangement.) And while the guests of the bride and groom are traditionally seated accordingly on the left and right as well, its perfectly acceptable to divide them evenly on either side if one of the partners has invited more people.

How can I incorporate my late father's memory into the ceremony?

Q: My father died two years ago, and I would like to have him symbolically represented at my wedding. How best can I do this? —Jacksonville, Missouri

A: For any bride or groom who has lost a parent or close family member, the wedding day can evoke a flood of mixed emotions. You will feel great happiness on this day as well as a certain sadness that your loved one cannot be there to see you walk down the aisle and share in your joy and excitement. It is only natural that you should want to remember your father on this day by expressing your love for him with a symbolic gesture.

You may want to carry some special keepsake of your father's such as a religious medallion, a piece of jewelry, a pocket handkerchief, or a photo. In your ceremony program, you can include a special tribute to your father written in your own words.

At the reception, you can offer a toast in memory of your dad or ask that the band play one of his favorite songs to which you and your groom might dance. Whatever you choose to do will have a very special meaning to you, and your remembrance will undoubtedly be very touching to other family members and guests as well.

Should the groom escort his mother to her seat at the start of the ceremony?

Q: My fiancé's mother would like him to escort her to her seat at our Christian ceremony, even though her two other sons will be groomsmen and can easily walk her down the aisle. Is her request inappropriate? —Carmel, California

A: Yes. Especially if she is aware of your feelings and in light of the fact that her two other sons will be groomsmen and one or both of them can escort her. At a Christian ceremony, the groom does not usually escort anyone—that particular duty belongs to his groomsmen. He and his best man enter from a side door in the front of the church after the priest or minister has taken his place. The groom stands next to the officiant at an angle facing the congregation with the best man one step behind him.

Perhaps there are other issues that need to be recognized and discussed with your future mother-in-law. She may have very mixed feelings about 'losing' her son, so to speak, and may want him to escort her as proof that she is still an important part of his life. Emotionally, she may be refusing to let him go and needs to know that he will do whatever is asked. Your fiancé should explain that not escorting her down the aisle does not diminish her importance in his life. Perhaps he can plan a special lunch or dinner with his mom right before the wedding. And you might assist him in putting together a photo album of his memorable moments with his mother from infancy to the present. She will no doubt be extremely touched by this sentimental gesture. And rather than focusing on who escorts her, your fiancé can emphasize how much he is looking forward to dancing with her to the special mother-son song hes chosen. That should go a long way towards easing her fears!

Read our article on Getting to Know Your Mother-in-Law for more ideas.

How can we incorporate our different religious traditions into our ceremony?

Q: I am a Baptist and my future husband is Roman Catholic. We have no problem with our different faiths and would like to find a way to incorporate both religious traditions in our ceremony. Our families want us to be married in our own churches. Any advice? —Eugene, Oregon

A: There's no denying it: When two people of different faiths marry, challenges, obstacles, and hurt feelings almost always arise. The most important thing you and your groom can do is remain focused and flexible. Visit each others churches and become acquainted with the services and rituals of the other religion. Discuss what type of ceremony you want to have and where best to have it. You may decide on an interfaith, or ecumenical, service which includes different aspects of both religions. This type of service can be equally divided between the two faiths and often takes place on neutral ground (thus eliminating your families demands that the ceremony be at one particular church). Or, one of your officiants may offer to act as the host at his church, inviting the other clergy members to participate in the ceremony. In either case, it is important to communicate your preferences to your families and emphasize that both religions will be equally respected and represented in a spirit of acceptance and cooperation.

However, your biggest challenge may be in finding the officiants who will participate in an ecumenical service. Some priests, ministers and rabbis simply refuse to officiate at marriages performed outside of their own churches or synagogues. But with interfaith marriages becoming more and more common there are many clergy who will administer the marriage vows in an ecumenical ceremony.

Start by speaking with the priest and minister at your own parishes to find out if they are available and check local magazines and newspapers for advertisements of ecumenical clergy. You might also call theological seminaries, where clergy receive their training, for suggestions.

After you have found your officiants, be sure to meet with both of them at the same time to carefully plan the ceremony. Determine all of the requirements that must be included from both religions. And, once you have established your ceremony procedures, you might want to explain the rituals of each religion in your wedding program so that your guests understand their meaning and feel more included.

Are wedding programs a good idea?

Q: Do you think a wedding program is a good idea? My fiancé and I would like to have one, but we’re not sure what information to put in it. Any suggestions? —Phoenix, Arizona

A: A wedding program is definitely a good idea, for a number of reasons. It helps explain to your guests what they are witnessing and makes them feel more a part of the celebration; it reflects your personal style and it provides you and your guests with a lovely and fitting memento.
The wedding program should include the date, time and place of the wedding and the names of the bride and groom, their parents, the attendants and the officiants, as well as information on any religious or ethnic rituals. You should list the titles and composers of any music performed and identify the musicians and soloists. If you plan to have any readings or prayers recited during the ceremony, be sure to include the words and sources, along with the names of those doing the readings.

Many brides and grooms with deceased parents, relatives or friends choose to write loving tributes to them in the program. Other personal sentiments are acceptable as well, such as thanking your parents or welcoming your guests to share in your joy.

The program itself can be formal and elaborate or more simple in design. Consider a calligraphy-inscribed scroll tied with a ribbon or a printed booklet with a cover sketch. For an outdoor, warm-weather wedding, let your program double as a pretty fan to keep guests cool. Many couples like to create their own wedding programs on the computer. Ultimately, the design choice is yours, and the selection you make is yet another opportunity to express your personal style.

Can guests from my family sit on either side of the aisle?

Q: The guest list for my side of the family is very large, whereas my fiancé will have only a few guests. Since we don’t want his side of the church almost empty, may we have the ushers seat people evenly on both sides of the aisle? —Crested Butte, Colorado

A: Absolutely. There’s nothing wrong with making sure there’s a balance. Just alert your ushers to your wishes and tell them that, as your side starts to fill, they should begin seating more guests with your fiancé’s family and friends. And if any guest should protest with “but I’m a friend of the bride,” your ushers can say it’s your preference to fill the church evenly. Besides, they’ll be able to see and hear the ceremony better than if they were sitting far back on your side.

How do we include our children in the reaffirmation ceremony?

Q: My husband and I are planning to renew our vows. Do you have any suggestions for how we can include our children in the reaffirmation ceremony? —Grafton, Vermont

A: Asking your children to participate in this special occasion is a wonderful idea and there are a number of ways they can do so. If you’re going to have a bridal party, ask if they would like to be a part of it. And if you plan on having a processional, one or more of your children can walk down the aisle with you to meet your husband. Have your kids do readings during the ceremony. They may also want to write a letter or poem for you that they can read aloud. If your children sing or play instruments, ask them to lend their musical talents to the day—it will make it that much more special. Adult children can offer toasts at the reception. And consider presenting your children with gifts to commemorate the day. A piece of jewelry and a beautifully framed family photo are two lovely keepsakes.