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What happens to a couple's sex life as the years go by? Married men reveal the bedroom secrets only wedded folks know.

After he said ‘I do’ two years ago, Donald* expected his sex life to take a swift swan dive. “I’d always heard married guys long for more excitement,” says the Washington, D.C., resident. “But that didn’t happen at all. My wife is amazing and fulfills all my sexual needs completely. My perspective on sex has totally changed since I got married.”

Once men shed their bachelorhood and take on the new role of husband, many find themselves, like Donald, questioning the things they thought they always “knew” about great sex. To get the inside scoop, we spoke to married men about some very personal—yet universal—experiences. Here are a few lessons we learned.

Married Men Know: Great sex starts with good communication.

“Almost every married couple I’ve seen says that sex gets better over time,” says Gerald R. Weeks, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and board certified sexologist based in Las Vegas, Nevada. “That’s because the longer two people are together, the more comfortable they get with each other’s bodies and sharing their likes and dislikes.” John*, from Houston, Texas, who has been married for almost 13 years, says that the key to great communication—and thus mind-blowing sex—is having a supportive partner who’s willing to explore new sexual avenues. “If I read about an interesting position in a magazine, I know that I can ask my wife about it and she won’t judge me,” he says. “Thankfully, she’s very adventurous. While she has her boundaries, she’ll pretty much try anything.”

But communicating about sex isn’t always easy for men, especially those who aren’t generally comfortable with sharing their feelings, says Weeks. He’s worked with many men who worry, for example, that if they ask their wives to perform a certain sexual act, play out a fantasy or wear something sexy for them, they’ll be perceived as selfish or demanding.

To help a male client get over his fears and open up to his wife, Weeks asks the couple to give each other hand or back massages and then verbalize two things to each other as they go along: 1) what feels good about what their partner is doing, and 2) what they would like their partner to do differently—“use more pressure there,” or “move your hand to the left,” for example. “It’s a whole lot easier to talk about what you want or what feels good when you’re talking about a back massage than it is to talk about any kind of erogenous stimulation,” he explains. After they’ve gotten used to communicating in this way, Weeks moves the couple on to more intimate types of touching exercises until they feel comfortable discussing explicit desires.

Weeks also recommends that couples read sexual self-help books together and then talk about the things they find interesting. "Having a book and ‘homework' will help you talk about sex in a less threatening and more neutral way," he says.

Married Men Know: To have great sex, you must make it a top priority.

"Men often underestimate the extent to which different stresses in life, like work, family and financial pressures, can inhibit desire," says New York City-based clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Regan Books). Andy*, from Cranford, New Jersey, who has been married for six years, admits that he sometimes unintentionally puts sex on the back burner. "It is really easy to get caught up with my job, the kids, doing household chores, and the million other responsibilities that I have," he says. "It's not hard to take for granted the relationship that should be at the core of everything."

To make sure he and his wife have that all-important alone time to focus solely on each other and their relationship, they plan a ‘date night' at least once a month. "Sometimes we'll go out, and other times we'll drop the kids off at their grandparents' house, grab a video and cuddle on the couch," he says. The couple also goes away for the weekend every year on their anniversary. Last year, they spent a few days in the Berkshire Mountains, in Massachusetts. "There's nothing like being in a bed-and-breakfast inn in the middle of winter to rekindle the romantic fire," he says.

To keep sex from getting routine, Weeks encourages couples to constantly introduce new things in the bedroom. "Novelty is the greatest aphrodisiac," he says. He also suggests keeping a running list of positions or techniques that each of you would like to try together, and to make an effort to pick something off each other's list every week. "Over time, you will develop a repertoire of things that you both like to do—a sort of ‘Chinese menu' from which you can select things, depending on your mood."

"It's easy to fall into a pattern of doing the missionary position every night at 11 p.m.," admits John. "But this type of routine gets boring real fast, and eventually neither partner is going to want to do it at all anymore. That's why the longer you are together, the more important it is to find ways to break out of the rut. Fun and spontaneity are key in lovemaking."

Chris*, from Millville, New Jersey, says that after 20 years of marriage and two children, he's learned it's important to put time and effort into romancing his wife the way he did when they were dating. At least once a week, he brings her flowers, writes love notes or buys her a little present. Sometimes he'll even have a bubble bath waiting for her when she gets home from work. "I've learned that making my wife happy and showing her how much I love her on a regular basis makes our sex life so much better because it inspires her to do nice things for me as well," he says. "And when you're both trying to make each other happy all the time, great sex just sort of happens."

Married Men Know: It's not just about "doing it."

Before they're married, men tend to get stuck on the idea that sex always has to be about penetration, says Kerner. "A lot of guys focus on intercourse as the apogee of sexual pleasure, and their own and their partner's orgasm as the Holy Grail," he says. "But in reality, most couples have a better chance of winning the lottery than they do of consistently having simultaneous orgasms." After marriage, many men learn that giving and receiving manual and oral stimulation can be complete, and extremely enjoyable, acts of lovemaking all by themselves, says Kerner.

"When I was a bachelor, making sure that my partner was having a good time usually came second to my own satisfaction," admits Donald. "But when I got married, that attitude changed drastically. Now I have this deep sense of desire to make sure that my wife is enjoying our experiences together as much as I am. I try really hard never to be selfish in my lovemaking."

Several years into a marriage, even simple acts of affection can begin to take on a new level of importance, says Weeks. In other words, married men learn what women have known for years: that foot rubs, hand-holding and other sweet gestures can be satisfying expressions of love, even if they don't lead to the mattress mambo.

Married Men Know: The passion may fade a bit, but intimacy deepens.

Some married men are disappointed to discover that the heightened level of physical excitement they shared with their wives at the beginning of their relationship does tend to fade naturally over time. "When couples are first dating, they'll tell stories about the various places they've had sex and the astronomical number of times they've done it," says Weeks. "But after marriage—within two years, typically—that level of red-hot sexual passion tends to diminish."

However, many guys notice that even as the sparks dwindle, intimacy and compatibility grow. “Married men learn to appreciate sex as a means of expressing the depth of connectedness and friendship that they feel with their wives,” says Weeks. Andy, for example, says that his wife is his best friend, and that their sex life serves in great part to strengthen that bond. “It’s gotten to the point where we almost move as one,” he says. “I know exactly what my wife needs at certain times, and she knows what I need. It’s like a beautifully choreographed dance we’ve created thanks to spending every night of the past six years together.”